Saying goodbye…

This is a really tough day for me and I hardly know where to begin.  I have been struggling with so many issues over the past couple of years and last night they all came crashing down on me.  Right now, I feel hopeless, lost, and completely out of sorts.  I have been doing everything in my own power, trying to hold on to the tiniest bit of hope, and yet that last bit of hope finally escaped my grip last night and I wanted to completely give up.

I wanted to give up everything and I wanted to forget everyone.  As the night progressed, I finally just spilled everything I had been holding onto for so long.  All the pain that’s been bottled up inside of me, all the disappointment, all the regrets.  All of it came out and my heart felt like it shattered into a million pieces.

Still today, there does not seem to be any relief after all that was discussed.  Everything is still a complete mess and I can’t imagine how any of it will ever be resolved.  The hurts run too deep, the pain seems to be more than I can bear, and I don’t feel like I will ever recover.  I have alienated too many people from my life, tried to forget everyone and everything for so long now.   And because of it, I feel like I am left with this huge hole in my heart.

In the process of trying to forget everyone, I seem to have forgotten who I am too.  I feel as if I can’t change any of this and cannot seem to mend what’s been broken.  I have allowed things to go too far, to get too out of control and my health is declining as well, which I know is completely my fault.

I have debated for months now as to what I should do, and after last night and just how close I was to giving up completely, I feel like I need a break to figure things out.  As hard as this is, I have decided to give up blogging.  I am not sure if this will be permanent or temporary, my brain can’t think that far ahead.  But for now, I just need to get my head and my heart in sync with one another and figure things out.

I am closing comments on my blog and may be deleting my social media accounts as well.  I will leave my blog up for now, but may remove it in the future.  I wish the best to all of you and I hope that you will be happy in your lives and always put God first.  Without Him we are nothing, and you will go down this barren road like I am right now if you don’t put your hope and trust in Him alone.

Love you all so much and I will really miss you.  ~M  xo

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Red – So Far Away

Let these words touch your heart the way that they’ve touched mine.  He is always there, even when we feel so very far away. ~M

 

“So Far Away”

I am right here with you
I couldn’t be more close
Pretending that I’m in this moment,
When I’m only a ghost

I listen to the words you’re saying
Words I’m fighting to believe
It’s like I’m living from a distance
When you’re out of reach

I wanna feel it,
When I mean it,
When I say it,
Can you hear me at all?

And I feel so far away, far away from everything
Outside wondering when I got lost
I threw my arms up in the air, why do I disappear
How can your love be so close
When I’m so far away?

Remember when you found me drowning
You pulled me from the deepest end
I promised that I’ll never leave you
Now I’m drowning again

It’s killing me with every breath
Witnessing the life I lived
Only you know who I am
I’m reaching out my hand

I wanna feel it,
When I mean it,
When I say it,
Can you hear me at all?

And I feel so far away, far away from everything
Outside wondering when I got lost
I threw my arms up in the air, why do I disappear?
How can your love be so close,
When I’m so far away?

I’m so far away [x5]
Yeeeah yeeeeah

And I don’t wanna waste time
Living a half-life
Are you listening?
Now give it back to me!
I remember everything
The way it used to be.
Yeah give it back to me
Yeah give it back to me
I hear your voice
But inside I’m lost.

And I feel so far away, far away from everything
Outside wondering when I got lost
I threw my arms up in the air, why do I disappear
How can your love be so close,
When I’m so far away?

I’m so far away
I’m so far away

A dream that I will never forget…

Time to repost…. A much needed reminder for myself.

Putting My Feet in the Dirt

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I dreamt this dream so very long ago that the exact date escapes me, but here goes my best recollection. I believe the dream came to me in 2005 and it was at this time in my life when I was suffering through a spiritual battle that had been waging war over my soul for fifteen long years. The battle was now reaching its climax and I would either defeat this battle or lose everything in the process. Little did I know that this dream would serve as a turning point in my life. Here is what was going on in my life during the years that led up to this dream…

Without my knowledge, but as I would come to realize later, the Lord was fighting alongside me every step of the way. I fought him daily and searched for answers to my questions in the darkest of places…

View original post 1,613 more words

Selfies…

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“Always post your best selfies on Facebook or Instagram, otherwise you never know what kind of picture will end up on your obituary.”  ~M

 

*I know this is a horrible thing to say, but the thought did recently cross my mind after seeing some recent obituaries.  Seriously… make sure you have a decent photo laying around that can be easily found.  Just saying… If you gotta leave, at least go out looking good!  😉

 


Photo credit:  likes.com