Just let it go…

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“When we let anger and resentment control us, we’re only inflicting unnecessary pain on ourselves.”  ~M


Photo credit: Pixabay.com

Why am I so stubborn?

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At the beginning of this year, I finally decided that I couldn’t keep going like I was, and so I asked my doctor to put me on anti-depressants.  I’d gone all 46 years of my life without them and felt weak for having to ask for them.  I have always tried to do everything on my own, and even to this day, I hate asking for help.  My anger is what usually fuels my motivation when I’m left having to do something that seems overwhelmingly hard.  And rather than ask for help, I usually just use all that built up negative energy and say a slew of cuss words to complete those difficult tasks.

I think this incessant need to do everything on my own, comes from the way I was raised.  I was always made to feel guilty when asking for anything as a child.  I would get reprimanded when even asking for the simplest of things.  And so I learned how to do most everything on my own.  This way of being raised had its benefits in many ways.  I think I am a much more self-sufficient person because of it and I never give up on anything.

I think if I had to choose one word to describe me, it would be “determined.”  But sometimes, I feel like I just want someone else to take care of me for a change.  I would love to have someone there to help me, without me even having to ask.  To say to me, “That’s enough; you’ve done plenty; let me help you.”  And I want to feel like I can say yes to that, and accept their help.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to change.  I’m getting older and more set in my ways.  I’m just plain stubborn most of the time, and my girls would agree.  They see how irritated I get and how I try not to ask for help.  It usually takes breaking something, for me to finally give in and let them help me.  Usually, it’s me that gets broken because of the stupid things I try to do without help.  And of course, it doesn’t seem to stop me the very next time, from repeating the same act of stupidity.  I guess that’s what stubborn people do.  We’re a glutton for punishment.

I just ended the anti-depressants yesterday.  They seemed to help at first, but then after several weeks, I started feeling anxious all the time, extremely restless, and shaky.  My doctor slowly decreased my dose over the last week, and I do feel more like my old self again.  I have mixed emotions though.  I really did feel better for about the first three weeks, and I’m trying to figure out why I started to feel so bad the longer that I took them.

I still feel like I need to do something to control what I believe to be depression, but I’m not sure what to do to help myself.  I think journaling is the best thing that I can continue to do for now.  At least until I find a better way to help myself.  I’d love to have someone to talk to.  Everyone always talks about having a therapist, but I have never had one.  I suppose that’s a luxury that I will never have.  If my insurance covered that sort of thing, I would see a therapist in a heartbeat, but unfortunately, it doesn’t, and so I have to keep on sorting things out for myself.  Anyway, I feel like I’m starting to ramble, so I’ll end this for today.  Thanks for reading.  ~M

#weekendcoffeeshare – Provoked and Peeved

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Good morning everyone, I really hope all of you have been having a lovely week.  It’s been mostly cold, wet and dreary here, so I’m in need of some cheery conversation.  I’ve got a scrumptious homemade chai tea, hot chocolate with extra whipped cream, or regular ol medium roast coffee this morning.  So take your pick!  Alright, let’s get to it…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that my frustration level has hit a new high this week.  I’m normally a very calm and easy going person, until somebody decides to rev me up.  I suppose I’m just tired of letting people walk all over me, but then I wrestle with the notion that I ought to be sweet and nice and not rock anybody’s boat.

Somedays, I think the best thing I could do for myself, is to just let go of anyone who can’t seem to play nice with me.  After all, I shouldn’t have to put up with all the nonsense when I haven’t done anything wrong.  So often, I feel like I’m back in the school yard once again, with the way people act these days!  The behavior of some is quite appalling and so often unnecessary.

Okay, my little rant is over.  I just needed to get that out, it’s been welling up inside me all week and simply needed to be said.  Now to my very kind and thoughtful blogger friends, I have no problems with any of you.  All of you have been so sweet to me, and WP is my happy place because of it.  So thank you fellow bloggers, let us continue to unite as an unrelenting positive force!

Now I do believe, there is a silver lining in every lousy thing we may face.  And this week was no exception.  I took all the anger that had been building up inside me this week and poured it all out into my writing.  I was having a bit of writer’s block at the beginning of the week, and then all it took was that one last hit over the head for the dam to break, and for me to finally regain my thoughts once more.

Isn’t it funny how our emotions can often drive us to actually getting things accomplished?  When I get angry or upset, I turn my frustrations into productivity.  If I’m at home and someone upsets me, watch out!  I’ll have my house cleaned in a quarter of the time it normally takes me.  That’s just how I am, and how I’ve always been.  I suppose that’s always been my way of fighting back and not giving in to defeat.

There are so many people I know, who just give up the minute life gets a tad bit difficult.  I think this drives me crazier than anything else.  How can you simply give up, when things don’t go according to plan?  In my mind, that just causes a person to become even more beaten down.  Anyway, enough about me and what I think.  Tell me about your week; anything new and exciting to share?  I’d really love to hear about it, so please leave me a message in the comments section.

One final thought… I really hope all of you have a very blessed week, and please don’t ever give up.  Turn your frustrations into creative energy and focus on the positives!  Hugs and kisses!  ~M

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Many thanks to Nerd In The Brain for hosting the #WeekendCoffeeShare, a collective of chats over digital coffee among bloggers. To find out more, and to see this weeks posts, go here.


Photo credit: pixabay.com and giphy.com