The grass isn’t always greener…

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The grass often looks greener on the other side, and yet so often it’s just an illusion, and when you do finally get there, it’s really just a hill covered in slime. ~M


Photo credit: https://pixabay.com/photos/backlit-girl-silhouette-beautiful-2178297/

I really loved my rose-colored glasses…

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I’ve kept silent for a long time because I wasn’t even sure what to say. And even now, I really have no idea how to articulate all that I’ve been wanting to share. The one thing I do know is that this year has been really hard; maybe even the most difficult year of my life. The thing is, I feel like I have nobody else to blame except myself. I’ve made some very stupid decisions, and I’ve been paying the price for a lot of them. And it’s interesting to me, at the age of 47, that I am still making such idiotic decisions. One thing I’ve realized is that I need to start trusting my gut more and not allow people to walk all over me. This entire year, I’ve been choosing to disregard things that I didn’t want to believe because it was just easier to look the other way. I thought it was better to ignore what was right in front of me, and give the people in my life unlimited opportunities to redeem themselves. But that way of thinking only backfired and has sort of destroyed the trusting side of me. I know now without a doubt that I have nobody else to blame except for myself because I chose to ignore the obvious, and accepted the consequences in doing so. But I’ve also learned that I can’t allow it to happen anymore, and even if it means further heartache, I have to continue to stand up for myself. I really loved my rose-colored glasses, and if I could wear them for the rest of my life, I would. But I’ve decided that those glasses have outgrown their usefulness. The world isn’t rosy at all, and I don’t know why I ever decided to pretend it was.


Photo credit: Pixabay.com

A truth I often try to deny…

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“If your Bible is closed, then you will feel distant from God. His word and truth are written there. It’s a gateway, not just a book, a two-way highway to heaven.”    ~Carl Webber

This quote was written by my closest friend and confidant, and every time I see it, I feel convicted to pick up my Bible and read it. I love this quote so much, that I printed it out and have it framed on a shelf in my office. It’s a constant reminder to me of a truth that I often try to deny. I’ve really been struggling in recent days. It’s very hard to believe and have faith in God when he isn’t here in the flesh. And even though I still feel his presence every single day, I just wish he’d reveal more of himself to me. I think anyone who believes in God feels like this from time to time. I guess I’m just feeling very discouraged at the moment. My life isn’t how I want it to be, and deep down, I think I often try to blame God for my unhappiness. But I’ve got to remember that he didn’t promise me a perfect life, and I really should be grateful to him that I have any life at all. Anyway, these are the thoughts swirling around my head on this beautiful Monday afternoon. Hope all of you are having a good start to your week. ~M xo

Be Somebody – Thousand Foot Krutch

“Be Somebody”

I’m just the boy inside the man, not exactly who you think I am
Trying to trace my steps back here again so many times
I’m just a speck inside your hand, you came and made me who I am
I remember where it all began so clearly

I feel a million miles away, still you connect me in your way
And you create in me something I would’ve never seen

When I could only see the floor, you made my window a door
So when they say they don’t believe, I hope that they see you in me

After all the lights go down, I’m just the words you are the sound
A strange type of chemistry, how you’ve become a part of me
And when I sit alone at night, your thoughts burn through me like a fire
You’re the only one who knows who I really am.

We all wanna be somebody, we just need a taste of who we are.
We all wanna be somebody, we’re willing to go but not that far.

And we’re all see through, just like glass
And we can shatter just as fast
That light’s been burned out for a while,
I still see it every time I pass
It was lost in the corners of my mind,
Behind a box of reasons why
I never doubted it was there,
It just took a little time to find and even when…

I feel a million miles away, still you connect me in your way
And you create in me something I would’ve never seen

When I could only see the floor, you made my window a door
So when they say they don’t believe I hope that they see you in me

After all the lights go down, I’m just the words you are the sound
A strange type of chemistry, how you’ve become a part of me
And when I sit alone at night, your thoughts burn through me like a fire
You’re the only one who knows who I really am

We all wanna be somebody, we just need a taste of who we are
We all wanna be somebody, we’re willing to go but not that far
We all wanna be somebody, we just need a taste of who we are
We all wanna be somebody, we’re willing to go but not that far

I’m just the boy inside the man, not exactly who you think I am
Trying to trace my steps back here again so many times

When I could only see the floor, you made my window a door
So when they say they don’t believe, I hope that they see you in me

Is true happiness really achievable?

My goal for 2017 was to bring happiness to others.  We’re only ten days in, and I already feel like the exact opposite has occurred.  It really seemed like such an easy task too.  I thought I could just be more positive, portray an air of happiness, and then everyone else would just follow suit.  Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work?  Lead by example and everyone will follow… am I right?  And yet it hasn’t worked at all.

I know I’m not very good at hiding my true feelings, but I thought I was doing a really good job of at least controlling the negative ones.  I suppose I’ve come to the conclusion, that I can’t fool anyone, least of all myself.  I’m trying desperately to hide behind the positives though.  It’s the only way I can continue to live, without completely drowning in my own sorrows.  Its mind over matter… don’t you think?  Isn’t that the only way any of us can really survive?

We often try to fool ourselves into thinking we’re happy, because that’s what everyone is after.  We all want that wonderful happy life, which is so often fakely displayed everywhere we look.  Do you really believe that smiling family on Facebook, is happily living life free of any problems or issues?  And see this is the problem, we believe everyone else has everything so easy and so perfect, when in actuality, true happiness doesn’t really exist.

We need to realize that we aren’t ever going to be completely happy on this earth, or in this life, because that’s an impossibility.  It’s unfortunate though, because we live with the idea that it’s achievable, which only makes us feel like complete failures when we never obtain a perfectly happy life.  Having hope is one thing, but we’ve got to be realistic as well.

So I’m changing my goal for 2017.  I don’t want to bring happiness to others, but I want to show others how to find slivers of happiness right where they are.  In the misery and agony of our imperfect lives, there are sometimes moments of happiness. Fleeting as they are, we need to hold onto those moments, and bring them back into focus on those particular days, when grief overtakes our sad little lives.  We certainly can’t give up and quit, just because things aren’t going our way.

Anyway, enough of my ranting.  I’m not even sure any of what I’m saying is making any sense.  All I know is, I can’t continue to live my life waiting for perfection.  This is it, this is my God given life; and I’d better make the best of it, or I may not have one left at all.