I’ve kept silent for a long time because I wasn’t even sure what to say. And even now, I really have no idea how to articulate all that I’ve been wanting to share. The one thing I do know is that this year has been really hard; maybe even the most difficult year of my life. The thing is, I feel like I have nobody else to blame except myself. I’ve made some very stupid decisions, and I’ve been paying the price for a lot of them. And it’s interesting to me, at the age of 47, that I am still making such idiotic decisions. One thing I’ve realized is that I need to start trusting my gut more and not allow people to walk all over me. This entire year, I’ve been choosing to disregard things that I didn’t want to believe because it was just easier to look the other way. I thought it was better to ignore what was right in front of me, and give the people in my life unlimited opportunities to redeem themselves. But that way of thinking only backfired and has sort of destroyed the trusting side of me. I know now without a doubt that I have nobody else to blame except for myself because I chose to ignore the obvious, and accepted the consequences in doing so. But I’ve also learned that I can’t allow it to happen anymore, and even if it means further heartache, I have to continue to stand up for myself. I really loved my rose-colored glasses, and if I could wear them for the rest of my life, I would. But I’ve decided that those glasses have outgrown their usefulness. The world isn’t rosy at all, and I don’t know why I ever decided to pretend it was.
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“If your Bible is closed, then you will feel distant from God. His word and truth are written there. It’s a gateway, not just a book, a two-way highway to heaven.” ~Carl Webber
This quote was written by my closest friend and confidant, and every time I see it, I feel convicted to pick up my Bible and read it. I love this quote so much, that I printed it out and have it framed on a shelf in my office. It’s a constant reminder to me of a truth that I often try to deny. I’ve really been struggling in recent days. It’s very hard to believe and have faith in God when he isn’t here in the flesh. And even though I still feel his presence every single day, I just wish he’d reveal more of himself to me. I think anyone who believes in God feels like this from time to time. I guess I’m just feeling very discouraged at the moment. My life isn’t how I want it to be, and deep down, I think I often try to blame God for my unhappiness. But I’ve got to remember that he didn’t promise me a perfect life, and I really should be grateful to him that I have any life at all. Anyway, these are the thoughts swirling around my head on this beautiful Monday afternoon. Hope all of you are having a good start to your week. ~M xo
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“Is not your fear of God your confidence, and the integrity of your ways your hope?
Originally posted: February 23, 2016
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