crossroad – Putting My Feet in the Dirt

Good morning fellow bloggers! How have all of you been lately? I’m so glad you decided to visit me today. I’ve got plenty of hot tea and coffee, or iced tea if you prefer that instead. So pick what you like best and let’s sit down and have a heart to heart talk. Okay, I’m not gonna lie. This conversation is not going to be all hearts and flowers. But I’m keeping it real today.

So here it is, I’m just gonna lay it all out here and let my heart sort of bleed onto this boring white page. I’ve been struggling worse than I think I ever have before. I can’t seem to escape these depressive thoughts anymore. I’m doing everything in my power to try and do something about it. Since writing is what I’m most passionate about, I’ve been trying to focus on creating more humorous posts. I’m also getting outside more and doing things that I normally love to do. But for some reason, I just can’t seem to lose this sinking feeling within myself. I’m not really sure what to do about any of it. I’m definitely feeling the pull to break away from everything and everyone around me. I’ve been doing the fake smile thing lately. Hopeful that nobody notices how I’m really feeling. Of course then there’s always that one person who ruins it for me and asks me how I’m doing. Then the tears start to well up and I can’t even answer back. And of course they have no idea why their question has set me off and I end up feeling like an idiot for not being able to respond to their question properly.

I’m also at a crossroad in my life right now and I’m making a huge effort to try and work on my relationship with my hubby. He’s about to leave again since he’s in the military and I’m not sure when I will have a chance to see him again. I very much love him, but I feel our relationship is still very fragile, and because he’s leaving, I wonder if it’s going to hinder the progress that we’ve made. Fear is sort of taking hold of me at the moment because we are facing so many unknowns. Anyway, he and I have talked in depth about all of this and I think we are both just sort of holding our breath, hopeful for a happy ending. These last couple of years have taken their toll on both of us and perhaps being apart will be the best thing for us. Being away from each other has often helped us in the past. It seems to give us the time we need to sort out our feelings.

Another thing I’m struggling with is the fact that I don’t really know anybody where I live, and so with my hubby leaving, I’m beginning to feel like I’m about to be stranded. We’ve always moved around so much that I’ve never really been able to establish any close friends where I live. And because we’re always moving, I also tend to shy away from making friends in the first place. It seems easier not to have any friends than to always be saying goodbye to them. Since I really don’t have any close ties to Wisconsin, I’m thinking I will welcome another move in the coming future. I’ve always loved the feel of a fresh start in a new place. I get bored easily when I stay in one place for too long and my love for travel leaves me ever wanting to get away.

Anyway, these are the main things I’m struggling with at the moment, and so if I tend to throw a sort of depressive post in the batch once in a while, please forgive me for doing so. I’m just not always in the best frame of mind and sometimes there are days which just seem to get the better of me. I hope all of you are doing well and staying in good health. I want to thank all of you for being my long distance friends and for always showing me how much you care. Blogging has been a great outlet for me, and since I do move around so much, I’m blessed that I can take all of you with me wherever I go. 😉