“You can’t change the way a person acts towards you, but you can change the way you respond.” ~M
This past year was not the best year for many reasons, and I think many of you can probably relate. So this year, I decided to make some small changes that I thought might help my overall physical and mental health. For the past two months I’ve written about the goals I’m hoping to achieve, and you can read about those goals here.
I must admit, February was awful. The only goal I continued with was my daily step goal. I was able to manage 10,000 to 12,000 steps per day but gave up on all my other goals after the first week. I know the reason I didn’t do so well was because of some personal issues I was dealing with at the beginning of the month, and I just couldn’t get motivated after dealing with all of that. So after the first week of February, I decided to give myself the rest of the month off and restart my goals at the beginning of March.
Needless to say, I’m happy February is behind me now and I’m hopeful that my emotional state will just keep improving. I haven’t even weighed myself yet because I’m afraid to look at the scale. I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled at the end of this month, and I was really hoping to be in better physical shape by then. I know I can’t achieve all of my goals overnight, so I’m giving myself a little bit of grace, and I’m also giving myself some credit for at least sticking to my walking routine. I’ll be back next month and hopefully, by then, I’ll have better news to share. I’m determined not to give up because I know that won’t get me anywhere. So here’s to restarting once again! 🍻 Cheers! ~M xo
“Sometimes we have to give up the whole world in order to keep someone who means the world to us.” ~M
Photo credit: Pixabay
I finally started seeing a therapist several months ago, and my therapist has tasked me to try and figure out what I want for myself. I never really think about what I want out of life without first thinking about how my desires will impact everyone else around me. And according to my therapist, this seems to be an area that I need to work on. I place others needs before my own a lot of the time, and I mainly do it because I try to protect my friends and family, and do what seems best for them. I also tend to compare myself to other people, and think that if they’re alright with something, that I should be too. And right now, there are a lot of people telling me that I should be okay with the life I have and appreciate what I have. A lot of people think I should disregard the hard to deal with issues in my life, and just accept everything as it is; but should I? That’s another question my therapist wants me to figure out for myself. And according to him, I need to stop listening to other people and make some decisions for myself. The problem is, making decisions is difficult for me. I grew up in a very strict home, being directed and told what to do every day of my life. I wasn’t allowed to make my own decisions. And so when I was finally out on my own for the first time, having to make decisions for myself, I really didn’t know how to do that. I think it’s funny how our growing up experiences affect us so much later on in life. But this is just one example of how our upbringing can really screw us up. I know my parents did the best they could, but I just wish my mother hadn’t been so darn overprotective. Oh well… I’ve made plenty of mothering mistakes myself. Just ask my four girls… I’m sure they have a million stories to tell. I guess we can only try and do our best. We are only human, after all.
I’ve kept silent for a long time because I wasn’t even sure what to say. And even now, I really have no idea how to articulate all that I’ve been wanting to share. The one thing I do know is that this year has been really hard; maybe even the most difficult year of my life. The thing is, I feel like I have nobody else to blame except myself. I’ve made some very stupid decisions, and I’ve been paying the price for a lot of them. And it’s interesting to me, at the age of 47, that I am still making such idiotic decisions. One thing I’ve realized is that I need to start trusting my gut more and not allow people to walk all over me. This entire year, I’ve been choosing to disregard things that I didn’t want to believe because it was just easier to look the other way. I thought it was better to ignore what was right in front of me, and give the people in my life unlimited opportunities to redeem themselves. But that way of thinking only backfired and has sort of destroyed the trusting side of me. I know now without a doubt that I have nobody else to blame except for myself because I chose to ignore the obvious, and accepted the consequences in doing so. But I’ve also learned that I can’t allow it to happen anymore, and even if it means further heartache, I have to continue to stand up for myself. I really loved my rose-colored glasses, and if I could wear them for the rest of my life, I would. But I’ve decided that those glasses have outgrown their usefulness. The world isn’t rosy at all, and I don’t know why I ever decided to pretend it was.
Photo credit: Pixabay.com