“On days when you feel fragile, just remember your foundation is shatterproof.” ~M
Photo credit: pixabay.com
Photo credit: pixabay.com
I feel like my heart isn’t in anything right now; I don’t want to do anything; I don’t want to go anywhere; and least of all, I don’t want to socialize. People are reaching out, trying to ask me if I’m ok, and to most, I can’t even respond. I keep asking myself, “What kind of person am I?” That I can’t even respond to a simple email, phone call, or text message.
I sort of feel like I’m floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean, and there is nothing for as far as the eye can see. And I want to be here; out of reach of most anyone or anything. I’m alone without a plan as to where I’m going, and I just don’t care. I don’t want to do anything else, except for simply float peacefully along, and leave everything else behind.
I don’t think I’ve ever isolated myself as much as I am right now. And there are times when I question why I’m doing this. But I feel like I need it. The quiet has been soothing to my soul. I’m loving the peace of not having to talk to anyone, to explain myself, to share all the horrible ugly things that I’m so often dealing with. I don’t want to talk about any of it because then it becomes real. And I can’t deal with the reality of the things that I know I will eventually need to face. I just don’t want to right now.
The funniest thing is, I start a social media communications class next week. It’s a requirement for my major and one of the last general education classes that I still need. 40% of my grade will be the discussions I have with other students. So much for being anti-social! Lol. At least I don’t have to talk about my personal life, but still…
Anyway, so here I am, floating along. It’s rather calm at the moment, but that usually means there’s a storm brewing on the horizon. And even though I can’t see it, I’m sort of securing myself to the raft right now; bracing myself for what’s to come. I just hope the storm passes quickly if and when it finally does arrive.
At the beginning of this year, I finally decided that I couldn’t keep going like I was, and so I asked my doctor to put me on anti-depressants. I’d gone all 46 years of my life without them and felt weak for having to ask for them. I have always tried to do everything on my own, and even to this day, I hate asking for help. My anger is what usually fuels my motivation when I’m left having to do something that seems overwhelmingly hard. And rather than ask for help, I usually just use all that built up negative energy and say a slew of cuss words to complete those difficult tasks.
I think this incessant need to do everything on my own, comes from the way I was raised. I was always made to feel guilty when asking for anything as a child. I would get reprimanded when even asking for the simplest of things. And so I learned how to do most everything on my own. This way of being raised had its benefits in many ways. I think I am a much more self-sufficient person because of it and I never give up on anything.
I think if I had to choose one word to describe me, it would be “determined.” But sometimes, I feel like I just want someone else to take care of me for a change. I would love to have someone there to help me, without me even having to ask. To say to me, “That’s enough; you’ve done plenty; let me help you.” And I want to feel like I can say yes to that, and accept their help.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to change. I’m getting older and more set in my ways. I’m just plain stubborn most of the time, and my girls would agree. They see how irritated I get and how I try not to ask for help. It usually takes breaking something, for me to finally give in and let them help me. Usually, it’s me that gets broken because of the stupid things I try to do without help. And of course, it doesn’t seem to stop me the very next time, from repeating the same act of stupidity. I guess that’s what stubborn people do. We’re a glutton for punishment.
I just ended the anti-depressants yesterday. They seemed to help at first, but then after several weeks, I started feeling anxious all the time, extremely restless, and shaky. My doctor slowly decreased my dose over the last week, and I do feel more like my old self again. I have mixed emotions though. I really did feel better for about the first three weeks, and I’m trying to figure out why I started to feel so bad the longer that I took them.
I still feel like I need to do something to control what I believe to be depression, but I’m not sure what to do to help myself. I think journaling is the best thing that I can continue to do for now. At least until I find a better way to help myself. I’d love to have someone to talk to. Everyone always talks about having a therapist, but I have never had one. I suppose that’s a luxury that I will never have. If my insurance covered that sort of thing, I would see a therapist in a heartbeat, but unfortunately, it doesn’t, and so I have to keep on sorting things out for myself. Anyway, I feel like I’m starting to ramble, so I’ll end this for today. Thanks for reading. ~M
Photo credit: Pixabay.com
Well, I know I haven’t been around for a while, but I’ve been working really hard to get through school. Blogging has sort of had to take a backseat for the time being because of the amount of work I’ve had to do. I’ve managed to stay at the top of my class since I started, and today I received the best news ever. I ended up with a perfect score on my final exam and was told it was one of the best finals that my professor has ever received. My exam consisted of five essays and ended up being eleven pages long, so to find out how well I did, caused the tears to flow straight away. For a writer especially, I think we want to know that our writing is good and we crave encouraging feedback. So for me, today is just the best day ever. To know somebody thought so highly of my work just makes all the difference in the world to me. Finding out about how well I’ve done, makes me feel like all the effort I’ve been putting forth is finally paying off. There have been some days when I haven’t been sure, when I’ve doubted everything and have wanted to throw in the towel and call it quits. So often, I feel like my time is spread so thin, I don’t have enough of me to go around, and I feel like I’ve had to let some people down because of it. I hardly ever put myself first in anything I do, but I’ve had no other choice since I started school this year, and the guilt has been eating me up inside. Feels like my family suffers because of it and I hate knowing that. But I also know in my heart that there is a reason behind all of this madness. I feel like this is leading me down a path that I need to continue to follow. I’m not sure where this will eventually take me, but I’m really excited to find out. And I’ve made myself a promise not to give up no matter how hard it gets. I need to do this and discover exactly what it is that I’m eventually supposed to do. And maybe in the process, I’ll actually figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I think that’s a question most of us ask ourselves our whole lives. It would be so great to finally have an answer for that.
Photo credit: pixabay.com
Photo credit: pixabay.com
Photo credit: pixabay.com
I have to admit, when someone asks me if I’m fine or okay, I start to get a bit defensive. I immediately begin to wonder if I’m starting to look weak or somehow flawed. I’ll come up with any number of excuses to convince the person that I am completely okay and that they need not worry about me. But 9 times out of 10, when somebody asks me this, I only go on the defensive because they are completely right. I’m not always fine and somehow it seems they’ve noticed it. I’m terrible at being able to hide my emotions and I’m drawn to people who are really good at reading them. So with that combination, I am always sure to be found out.
Today, I was thinking all of this over and began to wonder why I am so set on having people believe that I’m okay, when in fact I’m actually not. I think part of it stems from my upbringing. I grew up in a home where I was taught to “suck it up and drive on.” If I ever had a problem, I was told that it was inconsiderate to speak of it and burdensome for others to hear it. I was told that there were plenty of other people who had worse problems, so my problems were not important enough to speak of. I’m almost thinking this was a generational thing because I see a lot of people my age who were told the same thing. We weren’t allowed to complain or voice our opinions like people are nowadays. Everything was a certain way, and whether we liked it or not, that’s just the way it was. We didn’t have many choices or options, we were just told to do what we were supposed to do, and not ask questions or complain.
I had my first and only panic attack when I was 18, and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I had just started a new job, in a new state, and was living with my biological father for the first time. I didn’t know anybody and barely even knew my dad. I had no idea I was feeling anxious at the time because I had grown accustomed to the feeling of anxiety and usually just tried to brush it off as if nothing were wrong. But for some reason, that day, my body wouldn’t cooperate with me just brushing off the anxious emotions which were welling up inside of me. I was completely alone, facing the world for the first time on my own, and uncertainty and fear began to overwhelm me.
Well, that first day on the job only lasted about 20 minutes, before the anxiety attack started. Everything began to turn different shades of gray and I could barely stand due to the sudden dizziness I felt. All sound became muffled and it seemed like I had gone into a dark tunnel where sounds just echoed off the walls around me. I could hear my breathing, which was raspy and strained, and the pounding of my heart, a sound I had never heard audibly, was now the only other sound I could hear. I could no longer speak because I could no longer hear my own voice. It was probably the scariest moment of my life, and I had no idea what was happening.
I remember somebody leading me to a storage room and making me sit down on some boxes. I remember sitting there thinking that I might possibly be dying, but I had no idea what to do about it. After being left there for what seemed like ages, finally, somebody came back for me and tried to ask me what was wrong. I remember not being able to explain to them what was wrong and so eventually they seemed to give up and just drove me home and left me at my apartment.
I don’t remember how long I was back at my apartment before I was coherent enough to call my dad, but after he got home, I remember trying to explain to him what had happened. Since I had never experienced something like that before, I couldn’t really explain what had happened to me. Looking back, I think everyone at that store must have thought I was on drugs or something. I never did end up going back to that place and I don’t think I ever contacted anyone to tell them that I wasn’t coming back. It was years before I ever fully understood what had happened to me that day. I haven’t had another panic attack since then and I really hope I never do.
I’ve since become a master at hiding my anxiety and rarely admit to anyone that I am often depressed. The only time I really confide in anyone is after my feelings of anxiety have subsided. I feel like it’s safer for me to talk about it then after the suicidal thoughts have left me, and when I can control my emotions better. I always have this fear that if I actually tell someone how I’m really feeling that they will lock me away somewhere, for fear that I may otherwise harm myself.
I’ve seen my own daughter end up in a mental hospital and so I know what they are like. The place she stayed at did her absolutely no good and actually made her mental state worse. She became like a prisoner while she was there and we had no say in anything that happened to her. The psychiatrist there told my husband and me that he had complete control of our underage daughter and that he wouldn’t release her until he wanted to. I wouldn’t wish a place like that on my worst enemy and it breaks my heart every time I think of my daughter having to have been there.
It all started out with our family physician insisting that we take her there, and once we did, we lost all parental rights and were only allowed to visit her for about an hour each day. We drove the two hours there and back every day, all in order to be able to at least see her and tell her how much we loved her. But I would never allow it again for any of my family members, no matter what the situation, and I certainly never want to end up in a place like that myself. So even though I struggle with anxiety and depression, I do so without medication, without therapy, and without any sort of outside help. I “suck it up and drive on.” It’s the way I was taught and the way I’ll forever remain.
Photo credit: pixabay.com
Good morning fellow bloggers! How have all of you been lately? I’m so glad you decided to visit me today. I’ve got plenty of hot tea and coffee, or iced tea if you prefer that instead. So pick what you like best and let’s sit down and have a heart to heart talk. Okay, I’m not gonna lie. This conversation is not going to be all hearts and flowers. But I’m keeping it real today.
So here it is, I’m just gonna lay it all out here and let my heart sort of bleed onto this boring white page. I’ve been struggling worse than I think I ever have before. I can’t seem to escape these depressive thoughts anymore. I’m doing everything in my power to try and do something about it. Since writing is what I’m most passionate about, I’ve been trying to focus on creating more humorous posts. I’m also getting outside more and doing things that I normally love to do. But for some reason, I just can’t seem to lose this sinking feeling within myself. I’m not really sure what to do about any of it. I’m definitely feeling the pull to break away from everything and everyone around me. I’ve been doing the fake smile thing lately. Hopeful that nobody notices how I’m really feeling. Of course then there’s always that one person who ruins it for me and asks me how I’m doing. Then the tears start to well up and I can’t even answer back. And of course they have no idea why their question has set me off and I end up feeling like an idiot for not being able to respond to their question properly.
I’m also at a crossroad in my life right now and I’m making a huge effort to try and work on my relationship with my hubby. He’s about to leave again since he’s in the military and I’m not sure when I will have a chance to see him again. I very much love him, but I feel our relationship is still very fragile, and because he’s leaving, I wonder if it’s going to hinder the progress that we’ve made. Fear is sort of taking hold of me at the moment because we are facing so many unknowns. Anyway, he and I have talked in depth about all of this and I think we are both just sort of holding our breath, hopeful for a happy ending. These last couple of years have taken their toll on both of us and perhaps being apart will be the best thing for us. Being away from each other has often helped us in the past. It seems to give us the time we need to sort out our feelings.
Another thing I’m struggling with is the fact that I don’t really know anybody where I live, and so with my hubby leaving, I’m beginning to feel like I’m about to be stranded. We’ve always moved around so much that I’ve never really been able to establish any close friends where I live. And because we’re always moving, I also tend to shy away from making friends in the first place. It seems easier not to have any friends than to always be saying goodbye to them. Since I really don’t have any close ties to Wisconsin, I’m thinking I will welcome another move in the coming future. I’ve always loved the feel of a fresh start in a new place. I get bored easily when I stay in one place for too long and my love for travel leaves me ever wanting to get away.
Anyway, these are the main things I’m struggling with at the moment, and so if I tend to throw a sort of depressive post in the batch once in a while, please forgive me for doing so. I’m just not always in the best frame of mind and sometimes there are days which just seem to get the better of me. I hope all of you are doing well and staying in good health. I want to thank all of you for being my long distance friends and for always showing me how much you care. Blogging has been a great outlet for me, and since I do move around so much, I’m blessed that I can take all of you with me wherever I go. 😉
Photo credit: pixabay.com and giphy.com
Caller- “Hey, are you ok?”
Writer- “Yeah, why?”
Caller- “Well, I just read your blog post.”
Caller- “Well you sounded sort of depressed.”
Writer- “Yeah, so?”
Caller- “Well it just sort of worried me.”
Caller- “Well, because you sounded so sad.”
Writer- “Can I ask you a question?”
Caller- “Sure, ask away…”
Writer- “When’s the last time you released all of your inner angst and just let it go.”
Caller- “Oh me? I never do that.”
Writer- “And how do you feel keeping all of those emotions bottled up inside of you?”
Caller- “Well, not too good I suppose.”
Writer- “Well then, shouldn’t I be more worried about you at the moment than you are about me?”
Caller- “Hmmm, yes I suppose… probably.”
Writer- “Well then, I think you’ve answered your question. Godspeed my good friend. Hope you’ll be okay.”
Caller- “Oh yeah… right, hmmm….. goodbye.”
Photo credit: pixabay.com
Photo credit: pixabay.com
Happy New Year!
Leaving behind 2016 is a welcome relief for me. I would say it was probably one of the worst years of my life, and yet in the midst of the ugliness of it all, there were countless blessings that came out of it. So looking back, I wouldn’t want 2016 to go any differently than it did. I realize the pain and heartache had to come, in order for the renewal and blessings to be fulfilled.
I suffered severe depression over the past year, and tried to hide it from my family and friends. I prayed countless times that God would take me from this world and allow me to escape the suffering which I felt I could no longer face. I ended up with what doctors thought was perhaps a cancerous tumor. I thought this is it, this is what I prayed for, and this is how I will die.
Then reality hit me and I thought to myself, what have I been doing? Why have I been praying to leave my family who obviously needs me right now? My girls had both announced that they were getting married, and my two youngest were still being home schooled by me. I felt so selfish and such guilt for asking for such a terrible thing. I knew I deserved whatever happened to me at that point, and I believe I still do depending on what happens in the future.
For now, my doctors believe that I am fine. The results of all of my tests look good. I am supposed to go back this February to have all of the tests repeated to confirm everything is still good. I am at the point where I don’t even want to have those tests repeated. I feel good and I just don’t see the need to go through everything again. I have yet to decide what I will do.
While going through the cancer scare, I felt like I was going through it alone. I didn’t feel the comfort and love from my husband that I really needed, and because of that, I ended up resenting him even more than I already did. We had been through so much the year prior and nothing had been resolved. I thought here’s the time I need you most, and you still aren’t here for me. I felt like nobody was really there. Yes, I was having my own little pity party, even though I had prayed for it to happen. I wonder why we do these things to ourselves. I look back and shake my head; because realistically, I only had myself to blame.
I think I spent most of 2016, just trying to figure out how to change my frame of mind. I was tired of being unhappy, tired of being in a marriage where I didn’t feel loved, tired of not having any real friends, and mostly tired of feeling lonely. I tried to relay how I was feeling to my husband on countless occasions, but it didn’t really sink in until September, when he found a poem I had written about how I didn’t love him anymore. It was then that things began to change.
Finally, all of the words that I had been saying, all of the tears I had been crying, and all of the resentment that I had toward him, became apparent to him. It was at that point, that I knew I couldn’t stay any longer. I was ready to leave, and I was fully prepared for him to let me. What I was not prepared for, was what happened next. Instead of pushing me away after I spilled my heart out to him and confessed all of the terrible things I had been doing because I had been so lonely; my husband did quite the opposite, he forgave me… it was instantaneous.
He forgave me and vowed to be a better husband to me. He blamed himself for the things that I had done to him, and said it was his fault for not being there for me. He apologized over and over and begged me to stay. He broke down and cried and told me that he would change. I sat there in complete disbelief. I wondered why he would want to stay with me now and wondered where his motivation was coming from. I thought maybe he just didn’t want to lose me because I’m good at things, like cooking and cleaning, and taking care of the kids. He hadn’t seemed to want much to do with me before I confessed how terrible I had been to him, so why would he want me now?
I’ve spent the last four months, wondering if his love for me is really real. I’ve been confused about his true intentions and why he would take me back now, after I confided in him that my heart was someplace else. He has spent the last four months reminding me every single day, of how much he loves me and how much he wants me back. I have been resistant at times. Hesitant to believe what he is really saying, and wondering if it will last. Somedays I feel convinced that he really does mean what he’s saying and somedays I still have my doubts.
I thought I had forgiven him for the things he had done to me and some things that affected our daughters. But apparently I was wrong. I had never really forgiven him, and because of this, I just couldn’t accept his love when he was finally ready to express it to me. I am still struggling, but really wanting to work things out. I suppose I never really stopped loving him, but I hated the man that he had become. Now I am left with a completely different person. Somebody whom I hardly even recognize. I keep thinking that I will wake up one day and this whole new him will be nothing but a passing dream. I want so much to accept what he is telling me each and every day. I want to love him and I know I can’t live without having somebody by my side. Love is the most important thing to me in life.
So now that 2017 is here, I have decided to take the advice of one of my dear friends, and jump back in with both feet. I want to try and mend what has been broken, and hopefully be able to fully let go of the past hurts and regain the love for my husband that he deserves. We have all made terrible mistakes in life. I need to finally forgive him the way God already has. My own daughter even told me before she got married this year, she said to me… “Mom, Dad really loves you and he isn’t the same man he used to be. He is a good father to us girls and he needs you. So please forgive him and leave the past behind.” Her words have haunted me since that very day, and I know I need to take her advice and leave the past behind.
The enemy has already tried to discourage me from doing that. Even in the last couple of days, there have been things that have occurred, which have been reminders of the pain which I am so desperately trying to forget. I know I can’t let that happen, and I pray that God will just be my protector and keep me from the things which I’ve faced over the last couple of years. I know the only way I will sort everything out, is with his mercy and love covering me in every single aspect of my life.
I feel so blessed to have two daughters, who have both married within the last two months, and I am really looking forward to this new year and all that the Lord has in store for me and my family. Despite the many tears and frustrations, I have much to be thankful for. I believe that no matter what we are facing, there are still so many things that we can be grateful for in our lives. We just have to look at the complete picture and consider the glass half full instead of half empty. Many blessings to all of you for the coming year. It’s a time to start anew and find the happiness that awaits each and every one of us!
This is a really tough day for me and I hardly know where to begin. I have been struggling with so many issues over the past couple of years and last night they all came crashing down on me. Right now, I feel hopeless, lost, and completely out of sorts. I have been doing everything in my own power, trying to hold on to the tiniest bit of hope, and yet that last bit of hope finally escaped my grip last night and I wanted to completely give up.
I wanted to give up everything and I wanted to forget everyone. As the night progressed, I finally just spilled everything I had been holding onto for so long. All the pain that’s been bottled up inside of me, all the disappointment, all the regrets. All of it came out and my heart felt like it shattered into a million pieces.
Still today, there does not seem to be any relief after all that was discussed. Everything is still a complete mess and I can’t imagine how any of it will ever be resolved. The hurts run too deep, the pain seems to be more than I can bear, and I don’t feel like I will ever recover. I have alienated too many people from my life, tried to forget everyone and everything for so long now. And because of it, I feel like I am left with this huge hole in my heart.
In the process of trying to forget everyone, I seem to have forgotten who I am too. I feel as if I can’t change any of this and cannot seem to mend what’s been broken. I have allowed things to go too far, to get too out of control and my health is declining as well, which I know is completely my fault.
I have debated for months now as to what I should do, and after last night and just how close I was to giving up completely, I feel like I need a break to figure things out. As hard as this is, I have decided to give up blogging. I am not sure if this will be permanent or temporary, my brain can’t think that far ahead. But for now, I just need to get my head and my heart in sync with one another and figure things out.
I am closing comments on my blog and may be deleting my social media accounts as well. I will leave my blog up for now, but may remove it in the future. I wish the best to all of you and I hope that you will be happy in your lives and always put God first. Without Him we are nothing, and you will go down this barren road like I am right now if you don’t put your hope and trust in Him alone.
Love you all so much and I will really miss you. ~M xo