For them…

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The sudden silence is what gets to me most, every time he leaves.  Then my chest starts to tighten, and the tears begin to well up, and at that point, I know I’m done for.  There’s no holding back the flood of emotions no matter how hard I try.  I bury my face in my hands, trying so hard to hide the pain that’s gushing out through every inch of my being.

I can’t let anyone know how much this hurts, how lost I am, how much I don’t even want to do life anymore because I’m always feeling so alone.  Five minutes have passed, and I’m wiping the evidence away.  Putting on my brave soldier face once more, shrugging my shoulders and getting a grip just the way I’ve been taught.  I cannot cry, I can’t let anyone know that I’m weak, and I can’t ever confess to anyone that sometimes I’d rather be six feet under than endure another day alone.

There are little people counting on me, babies that need protecting, loved, and cared for.  And this is why I bury all of it, deep inside where nobody can see. If anyone ever found out what I was really thinking, what would they do?  What would they say?  So I fight through it, the let downs, the misery, the feelings of loneliness and despair.  And I put on a happy face because that makes everyone else feel better when I do that.  They need me to be happy, and I can’t let them down.  I’ve got to hold it together, for them…

 

Justin Bieber – Purpose

 

Feeling like I’m breathing my last breath
Feeling like I’m walking my last steps
Look at all of these tears I’ve wept
Look at all the promises that I’ve kept

I put my all into your hands
Here’s my soul to keep
I let you in with all that I can
You’re not hard to reach

And you bless me with the best gift
That I’ve ever known
You give me purpose
Yeah, you’ve given me purpose

Thinking my journey’s come to an end
Sending out a farewell to my friends, for inner peace
Ask you to forgive me for my sins, oh would you please?
I’m more than grateful for the time we spent, my spirit’s at ease

I put my heart into your hands
Learn the lessons you teach
No matter when, wherever I am
You’re not hard to reach

And you’ve given me the best gift
That I’ve ever known
You give me purpose everyday
You give me purpose in every way

Oh, you are my everything
Oh, you are my everything

[Spoken:]
I don’t know if this is wrong, because someone else is telling me that it’s wrong. But I feel this so let me just like try my best not to let this happen again. We weren’t necessarily put in the best position to make the best decisions

You can’t be hard on yourself for it, these are the cards you were given so you have to understand that’s not who you are. You know you’re trying to be the best you can be, but that’s all you can do. If you don’t give it all you got, you’re only cheating yourself give it all you got but if it ends up happening, it ends up happening

That’s what happening with me, it’s like “God, I’m giving it all I’ve got, sometimes I’m weak and I’m going to do it.” And it’s like I’m not giving myself grace, I’m just like understanding that’s how it is

You will always be my treasured friend…

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I thought I’d lost someone today.  Someone who has filled a void in my heart, like nobody else ever has.  I can’t imagine going through the rest of my life without this sweet person.  They mean the world to me and have become my closest and most trusted confidant.  I have never had a friend quite like this particular one, and the thought of losing them left me feeling heartbroken. 

I tried to go about my day as usual, but eventually the tears erupted for the millionth time and I could no longer hold back how terrible I felt.  My hubby tried to console me, tried to reassure me that I hadn’t lost them.  And yet I’m still not quite sure where I stand. 

My daughter Autumn came up to me this morning and asked me what she should draw for art class.  Thinking about how happy this friend of mine has always made me feel, I told her to draw what makes her the happiest.  A little while later, she brought back this picture of me and her.  It was the sweetest gesture and a drawing I will always treasure, because happiness to her, means her and me together.   

Happiness is always about having those special people in our lives that mean the most to us.  We cannot even hope for anything better.  So to my dear friend C… If you by chance happen to read this.  You will always be a treasured friend to me and I love you as if you are part of my family.  I prayed my whole life for somebody like you, so please don’t ever forget how much you mean to me. 

 

Love, ~M  xoxo