Why am I so stubborn?

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At the beginning of this year, I finally decided that I couldn’t keep going like I was, and so I asked my doctor to put me on anti-depressants.  I’d gone all 46 years of my life without them and felt weak for having to ask for them.  I have always tried to do everything on my own, and even to this day, I hate asking for help.  My anger is what usually fuels my motivation when I’m left having to do something that seems overwhelmingly hard.  And rather than ask for help, I usually just use all that built up negative energy and say a slew of cuss words to complete those difficult tasks.

I think this incessant need to do everything on my own, comes from the way I was raised.  I was always made to feel guilty when asking for anything as a child.  I would get reprimanded when even asking for the simplest of things.  And so I learned how to do most everything on my own.  This way of being raised had its benefits in many ways.  I think I am a much more self-sufficient person because of it and I never give up on anything.

I think if I had to choose one word to describe me, it would be “determined.”  But sometimes, I feel like I just want someone else to take care of me for a change.  I would love to have someone there to help me, without me even having to ask.  To say to me, “That’s enough; you’ve done plenty; let me help you.”  And I want to feel like I can say yes to that, and accept their help.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to change.  I’m getting older and more set in my ways.  I’m just plain stubborn most of the time, and my girls would agree.  They see how irritated I get and how I try not to ask for help.  It usually takes breaking something, for me to finally give in and let them help me.  Usually, it’s me that gets broken because of the stupid things I try to do without help.  And of course, it doesn’t seem to stop me the very next time, from repeating the same act of stupidity.  I guess that’s what stubborn people do.  We’re a glutton for punishment.

I just ended the anti-depressants yesterday.  They seemed to help at first, but then after several weeks, I started feeling anxious all the time, extremely restless, and shaky.  My doctor slowly decreased my dose over the last week, and I do feel more like my old self again.  I have mixed emotions though.  I really did feel better for about the first three weeks, and I’m trying to figure out why I started to feel so bad the longer that I took them.

I still feel like I need to do something to control what I believe to be depression, but I’m not sure what to do to help myself.  I think journaling is the best thing that I can continue to do for now.  At least until I find a better way to help myself.  I’d love to have someone to talk to.  Everyone always talks about having a therapist, but I have never had one.  I suppose that’s a luxury that I will never have.  If my insurance covered that sort of thing, I would see a therapist in a heartbeat, but unfortunately, it doesn’t, and so I have to keep on sorting things out for myself.  Anyway, I feel like I’m starting to ramble, so I’ll end this for today.  Thanks for reading.  ~M

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Day 13 of our 21 day adventure

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Today we left Vegas and we are driving out to Pahrump to visit relatives. Upon arriving, we are greeted with warm inviting hugs and all decide to sit outside in the patio. It’s earlier in the day and the cooler air is a welcoming change from the Las Vegas heat that we have been dealing with for the last 7 days.

IMG_1228Aunt Bobbi gives us a tour of her vegetable garden and some of her plants. Poor Uncle Dave is pretty much bed ridden at the moment and so we are leaving him to rest quietly in the house. After a few hours of talking and catching up, we know we must leave, since we are meeting my brother David up near Mt. Zion today.

IMG_1237I am really excited about visiting Mt. Zion National Park. I had a dream several years ago that left me puzzled and searching for answers. After having the dream, I searched the internet for clues and I somehow came across pictures of Mt. Zion. After viewing the pictures, I realized that I had in fact dreamt of Mt. Zion, even though I had never actually heard of or seen this place before. Since then, I always knew that somehow… someday… I would visit this place. I am so excited for what may happen and I am curious if anything will spark a resemblance to my dream.

IMG_1484After a couple hours of driving, we catch our first glimpse of Great White Throne Mountain, located in Mt. Zion National Park. Its huge white peak stands out against the other red mountain peaks that surround it. I immediately get tears in my eyes as I recognize this particular mountain peak from my dream. I try to hide my tears, not wanting Brian to notice this sudden change in my emotions. It’s hard to put into words how I am feeling at this moment. All I can say, is that I know I have been here before. In my dream, I clearly saw what I am seeing now and I can hardly believe my eyes. It’s been 11 years since I had that dream, but I can still replay that dream in my mind as if I had just dreamt it.

IMG_1241It’s mid-afternoon now, and my brother has been waiting for us for a couple of hours. We pull into the Quality Inn, which is located in Springdale, UT. The parking lot is almost non-existent, and the people at the front desk aren’t the nicest people that I’ve ever met, but still… the room turns out to be nice and clean and I feel happy that we made the choice to stay here. There’s a pool right outside our room that looks inviting and on the other side of the parking lot is a crowded RV park.

IMG_1232After texting my brother to let him know that we have arrived, we meet up with him and my nephew Levi who is 6 yrs. old. It’s really good to be able to see them and visit with both of them. This is the first time that I am able to see my nephew Levi and he reminds me of my youngest daughter Autumn who is almost the same age.

IMG_1238We are all very hungry since it is now close to dinner time, so we decide to walk down the street to see if we can find a place to eat. We find a restaurant called “Wiley’s Ranch” and decide to try it out. I am surprised when we get our menus at how expensive everything is. My brother and I decide to order the fish, which ends up tasting like it’s straight from a box. The fish is so salty that I can hardly continue to eat it. I don’t like to complain though and since we paid so much for the meal, I try to eat as much as I can.

IMG_1488I’m enjoying getting to see my brother for the first time in about 8 years. It’s hard not seeing my family very often and I wish that we didn’t live so far away. I don’t have any of my family living near me and it has been this way for the last 21 years. I often find myself trying to forget them, so that it doesn’t hurt so much being away from them. I am thankful for this time that I can spend with my brother and nephew. I can only imagine the fun adventures that we will have this coming week.