What? Can’t I just stay in hibernation?

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I’ve been pushing everyone in my life away.  I’ve always been like this, but over the past several years, the urge to be completely alone has gotten worse. The moment I feel like someone isn’t making an effort to be a part of my life, I start to pull away from them.  It’s a defense mechanism I’ve used all my life.  My parents were some of the very first people that I began to push away.  My mom and I had an especially strained relationship when I was growing up, and by the time I turned 18, I moved out and never looked back.  I wasn’t even done with high school at that point, but I was done feeling unwanted by her, and so I left.

This pattern has continued my entire life.  As soon as I feel like someone isn’t happy with me, or doesn’t want me, I pull away and just let them go.  It’s always seemed easier that way.  I like doing things for others, and I love giving as much as I possibly can to the people around me, but I don’t want to have to plead with someone to stay in my life and to want me around.  And I don’t feel like I have the energy to deal with all the drama that comes from complicated relationships anymore.  I guess that’s why I have a very limited number of close friends, and why I’m hesitant to get close to anybody else.

These are just the thoughts that are running through my mind at the moment.  I have a very good life, and plenty of people who I know love me and accept me, but right now, I just feel like pulling away from everyone.  I don’t want to leave myself open to anymore hurts.  I’ve had enough of it already, and so I feel like escaping the potential for more heartache by closing myself off and shutting down.  Anyway, I thought journaling would be a good thing for me right now, so I think I might start writing out my thoughts like this and posting them every now and then.  Since I don’t feel like being very social right now, I’ve closed the comments section.  I just need time alone; I think we all do once in a while.  Thanks for reading.  ~M xo

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Saying goodbye…

This is a really tough day for me and I hardly know where to begin.  I have been struggling with so many issues over the past couple of years and last night they all came crashing down on me.  Right now, I feel hopeless, lost, and completely out of sorts.  I have been doing everything in my own power, trying to hold on to the tiniest bit of hope, and yet that last bit of hope finally escaped my grip last night and I wanted to completely give up.

I wanted to give up everything and I wanted to forget everyone.  As the night progressed, I finally just spilled everything I had been holding onto for so long.  All the pain that’s been bottled up inside of me, all the disappointment, all the regrets.  All of it came out and my heart felt like it shattered into a million pieces.

Still today, there does not seem to be any relief after all that was discussed.  Everything is still a complete mess and I can’t imagine how any of it will ever be resolved.  The hurts run too deep, the pain seems to be more than I can bear, and I don’t feel like I will ever recover.  I have alienated too many people from my life, tried to forget everyone and everything for so long now.   And because of it, I feel like I am left with this huge hole in my heart.

In the process of trying to forget everyone, I seem to have forgotten who I am too.  I feel as if I can’t change any of this and cannot seem to mend what’s been broken.  I have allowed things to go too far, to get too out of control and my health is declining as well, which I know is completely my fault.

I have debated for months now as to what I should do, and after last night and just how close I was to giving up completely, I feel like I need a break to figure things out.  As hard as this is, I have decided to give up blogging.  I am not sure if this will be permanent or temporary, my brain can’t think that far ahead.  But for now, I just need to get my head and my heart in sync with one another and figure things out.

I am closing comments on my blog and may be deleting my social media accounts as well.  I will leave my blog up for now, but may remove it in the future.  I wish the best to all of you and I hope that you will be happy in your lives and always put God first.  Without Him we are nothing, and you will go down this barren road like I am right now if you don’t put your hope and trust in Him alone.

Love you all so much and I will really miss you.  ~M  xo