I’ve been pushing everyone in my life away. I’ve always been like this, but over the past several years, the urge to be completely alone has gotten worse. The moment I feel like someone isn’t making an effort to be a part of my life, I start to pull away from them. It’s a defense mechanism I’ve used all my life. My parents were some of the very first people that I began to push away. My mom and I had an especially strained relationship when I was growing up, and by the time I turned 18, I moved out and never looked back. I wasn’t even done with high school at that point, but I was done feeling unwanted by her, and so I left.
This pattern has continued my entire life. As soon as I feel like someone isn’t happy with me, or doesn’t want me, I pull away and just let them go. It’s always seemed easier that way. I like doing things for others, and I love giving as much as I possibly can to the people around me, but I don’t want to have to plead with someone to stay in my life and to want me around. And I don’t feel like I have the energy to deal with all the drama that comes from complicated relationships anymore. I guess that’s why I have a very limited number of close friends, and why I’m hesitant to get close to anybody else.
These are just the thoughts that are running through my mind at the moment. I have a very good life, and plenty of people who I know love me and accept me, but right now, I just feel like pulling away from everyone. I don’t want to leave myself open to anymore hurts. I’ve had enough of it already, and so I feel like escaping the potential for more heartache by closing myself off and shutting down. Anyway, I thought journaling would be a good thing for me right now, so I think I might start writing out my thoughts like this and posting them every now and then. Since I don’t feel like being very social right now, I’ve closed the comments section. I just need time alone; I think we all do once in a while. Thanks for reading. ~M xo