Grace…

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“Grace is a form of love that most never see.”  ~M


Photo credit: pixabay.com

Switchfoot – Dare You To Move

“Dare You To Move”

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Little Do You Know – Alex & Sierra

Little do you know
How I’m breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I’m still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece
Little do you know
I need a little more time

Continue reading “Little Do You Know – Alex & Sierra”

On the subject of cheating…

Today was a bit of a somber day for the attendees at our local church.  It appears that our pastor resigned because of his unfaithfulness to his wife.  I am a member of this church, but no longer a regular attender.  I have found organized religion to be very frustrating at times and so I don’t go as often as I used to.  I enjoy my quiet time at home, worshipping God in my own way, without the distractions from others.

It seems that the majority of church goers these days, are generally just there to keep up with appearances.  To me, being a believer is more than just putting on a fake smile and acting as if I’m living a good morally correct life.  I don’t need the acceptance of others, and I don’t care if the world loves me without question.  God should be the only person who I look to for acceptance.  As long as He loves me, I figure I’m good to go, and the Bible plainly states He does, so there’s no doubt in my mind about that.

I do attend church for my children’s sake, because they are home schooled and they like to attend in order to see their friends on Sunday mornings.  But still… it isn’t on a regular basis.  I used to feel guilty when I would miss a Sunday, but that all changed for me over the years.  I started to see the true colors of the people who were there, and it simply broke my heart because of what I witnessed.  This isn’t the first church I have attended where things like this have happened and I suppose over the extent of my life, I have just become tired of all the drama.

I can almost guarantee, that after what happened today, half the church will leave and move on to other churches.  Each one will feel so disappointed by what they have learned, because of the indiscretions of our head pastor, they just won’t be able to find peace within those walls anymore.  And yet, if we could see the hearts of every individual that attends the church, I bet at least three quarters of them have cheated on their spouses before; at least in their thoughts.  The thing is, the only difference is, they haven’t gotten caught, and their true desires aren’t seen.  We begin to judge people before we even think about our own thoughts and the way we’ve been behaving ourselves.

I myself, have never had a physical affair, nor do I intend to, but the thought has crossed my mind plenty of times.  And given the opportunity, I honestly can’t say for sure what I would do.  To even admit to this, would probably get me kicked out of the church, and yet many others are thinking the very same thing.  I believe none of us are free from the temptations that surround us on a daily basis, and this is the reason that so many of us fail at being obedient and living Godly lives.  Even now, my heart has not been in a good place lately.  I find myself longing for things, which I should never even consider, and yet I still do.

This topic has been thoroughly discussed in my own marriage.  My husband knows that I am struggling to be completely devoted to him and we are trying to work through the problems that we are currently facing.  I am not ashamed to admit this, because I know that I am not the only one who is dealing with this kind of situation.  I have been very unhappy in my relationship and it has led me down some very tempting pathways.

I honestly don’t think that we are any different from the millions of other Christian couples out there.  I am tired of people being shamed for things, when really we should be building them back up, and helping them fix the problems that they are facing.  Belittling others doesn’t solve anything and expecting a pastor to be any different than anyone else is completely absurd.  We are all sinners and we all struggle, whether we care to admit it or not.

So today, I am feeling sorry for my pastor and his wife.  Sorry because apparently their marriage was failing and they couldn’t seem to fix what was broken.  It takes two people to make a marriage work, so I will not take sides.  I can only hope and pray, that they will now find their way through this mess that they are dealing with, and I think the hardest part will come from the conviction of the church.  They will most likely lose friends, possibly family members who cannot understand.  Their own children may start to take sides.  Who knows…. It won’t be pretty I’m sure and I just hope that they will both come out stronger in the end, for all that they have had to endure.

We never know what causes a marriage to crumble and unless we are in that relationship ourselves, I feel we have no right to judge another person’s marriage.  We can offer up helpful solutions and give a word of advice, but even in that, we have to be careful not to overstep our boundaries.  I think the best thing we can do, is just pray and let God handle the situation.  Each of us have enough of our own existing problems to deal with ourselves.

Him vs. Her – Is this for real?

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It’s been awhile since I wrote a Him vs. Her, and there’s been a few things that I’ve wanted to share, so here goes…

As I’ve spoken of in recent days, hubby and I have been having quite a bit of trouble getting through these past two years.  We’re coming up on 23 years of marriage in February and although things haven’t been the best, I see a ton of progress being made in our relationship.

One thing that has recently changed, is the fact that hubby began to ask himself why we weren’t connecting the way we ought to be.  He started praying about a lot of things that he had been struggling with, and asking God to show him where he was going wrong.

One morning he suddenly woke up, and announced to me that he was no longer going to be the man that just let life pass him by.  He vowed to encourage me in my own faith, to stop withholding his love from me, and promised to become the man that I deserve.

I was quite taken back from his sudden change of heart.  I truly wondered if he was serious.  After so many years of me feeling rejected and unloved by him, I wondered why he wanted to change now.  I was actually a bit angry at first, and wondered why he waited almost 23 years to change his tune and be the man that I had always hoped he would be.

It’s been about a month now, and my head is still spinning from the changes that I see in him.  I still have my doubts that things will stay this way and I am unsure of how to act sometimes, because I had gotten so used to feeling as if I didn’t matter to him.  I felt ignored, unimportant, and very unhappy most of the time.

So now confusion is setting in.  I keep asking myself… Is this real?  Will this last? And do I really want to give him a chance to fix what’s been broken for so long?  My stubborn side tells me not to give in; warns me that he had his chance, and reminds me that my heart has since moved on.  And yet the part of me that has never stopped loving him, tells me to forgive and forget; to let go of the past and move forward, because obviously God has taken his heart and changed it for the good.

I feel vulnerable in accepting the possibility that he really has changed.  I feel like I could wake up tomorrow and be taken for granted once again.  I don’t think I can handle another 23 years of feeling that way and I’m almost fearful of being blindsided and letting that happen again.

I have become stronger in these last two years.  Learning to be more independent of him because he wasn’t always there, and quite honestly, I grew to love the freedom of being alone, because it meant that I didn’t have to continue feeling rejected by him.  I used writing as my escape and felt like I didn’t need him anymore.

So now, I have a choice to make.  I am struggling every day to either accept this unexpected gift that apparently God has given me, or throw it all away because I’m stubborn and tired of trying.  It sounds like an easy choice, and yet I’m fighting against my own will to keep myself from getting hurt.  My heart just won’t let me forget all the suffering and the pain, which plagued me for so long.  And yet I know what I must do.

In recent days, I have been blessed with loving words of affirmation, by my husband who is trying so very hard to make things right.  Tonight I spent some time going through all the notes that he’s been leaving for me over the past month, and I affixed them to the tree that I painted on my office wall.  I decided that I needed these loving reminders, to help me move forward.  I need to forget the years of bad memories and replace them with the good ones that we are finally making together.  I think I may eventually win this battle after all.