“Can anyone truly be happy if they aren’t free?”
~Belle (Beauty and the Beast)
Photo found at: denofgeek.com
Thoughts and Perspectives From the Mind of a Common Girl
Photo found at: denofgeek.com
Photo credit: boston.com
It’s been awhile since I wrote a Him vs. Her, and there’s been a few things that I’ve wanted to share, so here goes…
As I’ve spoken of in recent days, hubby and I have been having quite a bit of trouble getting through these past two years. We’re coming up on 23 years of marriage in February and although things haven’t been the best, I see a ton of progress being made in our relationship.
One thing that has recently changed, is the fact that hubby began to ask himself why we weren’t connecting the way we ought to be. He started praying about a lot of things that he had been struggling with, and asking God to show him where he was going wrong.
One morning he suddenly woke up, and announced to me that he was no longer going to be the man that just let life pass him by. He vowed to encourage me in my own faith, to stop withholding his love from me, and promised to become the man that I deserve.
I was quite taken back from his sudden change of heart. I truly wondered if he was serious. After so many years of me feeling rejected and unloved by him, I wondered why he wanted to change now. I was actually a bit angry at first, and wondered why he waited almost 23 years to change his tune and be the man that I had always hoped he would be.
It’s been about a month now, and my head is still spinning from the changes that I see in him. I still have my doubts that things will stay this way and I am unsure of how to act sometimes, because I had gotten so used to feeling as if I didn’t matter to him. I felt ignored, unimportant, and very unhappy most of the time.
So now confusion is setting in. I keep asking myself… Is this real? Will this last? And do I really want to give him a chance to fix what’s been broken for so long? My stubborn side tells me not to give in; warns me that he had his chance, and reminds me that my heart has since moved on. And yet the part of me that has never stopped loving him, tells me to forgive and forget; to let go of the past and move forward, because obviously God has taken his heart and changed it for the good.
I feel vulnerable in accepting the possibility that he really has changed. I feel like I could wake up tomorrow and be taken for granted once again. I don’t think I can handle another 23 years of feeling that way and I’m almost fearful of being blindsided and letting that happen again.
I have become stronger in these last two years. Learning to be more independent of him because he wasn’t always there, and quite honestly, I grew to love the freedom of being alone, because it meant that I didn’t have to continue feeling rejected by him. I used writing as my escape and felt like I didn’t need him anymore.
So now, I have a choice to make. I am struggling every day to either accept this unexpected gift that apparently God has given me, or throw it all away because I’m stubborn and tired of trying. It sounds like an easy choice, and yet I’m fighting against my own will to keep myself from getting hurt. My heart just won’t let me forget all the suffering and the pain, which plagued me for so long. And yet I know what I must do.
In recent days, I have been blessed with loving words of affirmation, by my husband who is trying so very hard to make things right. Tonight I spent some time going through all the notes that he’s been leaving for me over the past month, and I affixed them to the tree that I painted on my office wall. I decided that I needed these loving reminders, to help me move forward. I need to forget the years of bad memories and replace them with the good ones that we are finally making together. I think I may eventually win this battle after all.
I’ve always felt bad for sharing what’s on my mind. Maybe this sort of feeling stems from my childhood, back when children were to be “seen and not heard.” I wasn’t allowed to voice my opinions about anything or express my emotions without being told I was, “talking back.”
I was a very shy and quiet child, but as the years went by, I grew completely tired of having to stay quiet. My mother was happy with me, as long as I did what I was told and didn’t interrupt. By the time high school rolled around, I had had enough of being silent, and I began rebelling against my mother.
I think I threw her into a tizzy the day I finally left home. My mother had kept me in a submissive rut for too many years. She stifled my ability to have friends and had controlled my entire life. I couldn’t take it any longer and after she dared me to leave, I was all too eager to accept the invitation.
After the last yelling match we ever had, I ran to my room in a huff, packed a bag, and left before she even had a chance to know what I was up to. I never looked back and I’ve never once regretted my decision. It felt so good to finally be free. Yes, I was only 18 years old at the time and I hadn’t even finished high school yet, but I was determined to make it on my own and I did.
Still to this day, I find it easy to let go of people in my life who try to drag me down; especially those who try to control me. And I feel so awful for the people around me, who let others get away with controlling them. I also have no room for people who really don’t want to be a part of my everyday life and those who would rather keep me at arm’s length. I lived that sort of life for far too long and life is too short to live like that again.
I suppose that’s why in the last year, I’ve turned to writing poetry. I can say what I want, without anybody really knowing what I am actually writing about. I can be serious, funny, or completely imaginative. That’s the wonderful thing about writing, I can tell any story I want, true or not, and I don’t have to answer to anybody for it. This is what I love most about blogging and this is why I continue to write.
WordPress has become sort of a home away from home for me. It allows me to share my daily burdens and pain, along with my hopes and dreams for the future. It’s the only place I can really share my heart completely and not be told to keep silent. There’s freedom in being able to share one’s deepest thoughts and desires and there’s happiness in being able to express one’s ideas and viewpoints without criticism. So thank you to all of you for being such good listeners and for offering your love and support along the way. It’s meant the world to me. ~M
Photo found at: flickr.com