I once had a friend who I loved completely. Probably more than I even should’ve. But the thing is, they weren’t there to give, but to take instead. And they took a lot from me. The last straw was when they plagiarized some of my work. And rather than make things right, and give me credit in their book, they decided to instead tell me that I should feel honored for what they did, and they couldn’t guarantee that they wouldn’t do it again.
Needless to say, we are no longer friends, and after looking them up on social media, I proceeded to block every online place I could think of that they might be. In doing so, I discovered just how unashamed they were for their actions because they are out there promoting their book, taking full credit for something that isn’t entirely theirs. I honestly couldn’t believe what I was seeing because I trusted this person for five years, and we were as close as friends could be. But apparently, some people have no regard for others, and they just want to stomp on anyone who gets in their way. I’m quite sure this person will likely steal from me again, and so I’m not sure what I will do if that happens. It’s bad enough when random strangers steal your work, but it’s a whole different story when it’s someone you were once really close too.
Anyway, it’s just good to finally be done with this person and to never have to hear from them again. I think the worst part is that my trust has been broken, and that’s something that is very difficult to get back once it’s taken from you. But I’m moving on, and I’m literally doing so, as I’m just about to move several states away from where I currently am. It’s freeing to know that I’ll soon be starting over, and I guess it’s good I’m not dragging along any drama with me when I go. I’m really excited about what’s ahead, and I think this new, exciting change is just what I need.
I’ve kept silent for a long time because I wasn’t even sure what to say. And even now, I really have no idea how to articulate all that I’ve been wanting to share. The one thing I do know is that this year has been really hard; maybe even the most difficult year of my life. The thing is, I feel like I have nobody else to blame except myself. I’ve made some very stupid decisions, and I’ve been paying the price for a lot of them. And it’s interesting to me, at the age of 47, that I am still making such idiotic decisions. One thing I’ve realized is that I need to start trusting my gut more and not allow people to walk all over me. This entire year, I’ve been choosing to disregard things that I didn’t want to believe because it was just easier to look the other way. I thought it was better to ignore what was right in front of me, and give the people in my life unlimited opportunities to redeem themselves. But that way of thinking only backfired and has sort of destroyed the trusting side of me. I know now without a doubt that I have nobody else to blame except for myself because I chose to ignore the obvious, and accepted the consequences in doing so. But I’ve also learned that I can’t allow it to happen anymore, and even if it means further heartache, I have to continue to stand up for myself. I really loved my rose-colored glasses, and if I could wear them for the rest of my life, I would. But I’ve decided that those glasses have outgrown their usefulness. The world isn’t rosy at all, and I don’t know why I ever decided to pretend it was.
I feel like my heart isn’t in anything right now; I don’t want to do anything; I don’t want to go anywhere; and least of all, I don’t want to socialize. People are reaching out, trying to ask me if I’m ok, and to most, I can’t even respond. I keep asking myself, “What kind of person am I?” That I can’t even respond to a simple email, phone call, or text message.
I sort of feel like I’m floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean, and there is nothing for as far as the eye can see. And I want to be here; out of reach of most anyone or anything. I’m alone without a plan as to where I’m going, and I just don’t care. I don’t want to do anything else, except for simply float peacefully along, and leave everything else behind.
I don’t think I’ve ever isolated myself as much as I am right now. And there are times when I question why I’m doing this. But I feel like I need it. The quiet has been soothing to my soul. I’m loving the peace of not having to talk to anyone, to explain myself, to share all the horrible ugly things that I’m so often dealing with. I don’t want to talk about any of it because then it becomes real. And I can’t deal with the reality of the things that I know I will eventually need to face. I just don’t want to right now.
The funniest thing is, I start a social media communications class next week. It’s a requirement for my major and one of the last general education classes that I still need. 40% of my grade will be the discussions I have with other students. So much for being anti-social! Lol. At least I don’t have to talk about my personal life, but still…
Anyway, so here I am, floating along. It’s rather calm at the moment, but that usually means there’s a storm brewing on the horizon. And even though I can’t see it, I’m sort of securing myself to the raft right now; bracing myself for what’s to come. I just hope the storm passes quickly if and when it finally does arrive.
It’s been another great month, and if I’m correct in my thinking, we’ve now gone a whole year doing these together. So, pat yourself on the back if you been doing these every month since we started. That’s a very long time to stick with something like this. Hope you all enjoy this months new prompts which can be found here – August Writing Prompts. Love you all… Have a great month! ~M xo
“If your Bible is closed, then you will feel distant from God. His word and truth are written there. It’s a gateway, not just a book, a two-way highway to heaven.” ~Carl Webber
This quote was written by my closest friend and confidant, and every time I see it, I feel convicted to pick up my Bible and read it. I love this quote so much, that I printed it out and have it framed on a shelf in my office. It’s a constant reminder to me of a truth that I often try to deny. I’ve really been struggling in recent days. It’s very hard to believe and have faith in God when he isn’t here in the flesh. And even though I still feel his presence every single day, I just wish he’d reveal more of himself to me. I think anyone who believes in God feels like this from time to time. I guess I’m just feeling very discouraged at the moment. My life isn’t how I want it to be, and deep down, I think I often try to blame God for my unhappiness. But I’ve got to remember that he didn’t promise me a perfect life, and I really should be grateful to him that I have any life at all. Anyway, these are the thoughts swirling around my head on this beautiful Monday afternoon. Hope all of you are having a good start to your week. ~M xo
Well, I wasn’t going to do another Midnight Madness tonight, but I began to think twice after reading to my daughter from her Bedtime Bible.
Normally this book isn’t too bad, aside from the very glossed over parts about what truly happened in certain stories. I suppose they figure it’s a children’s book, so they have to keep it somewhat discreet.
However, after reading it tonight, I have finally come to realize just how ill advised this book really is. And I began to wonder if this is the reason why so many Christians are often left confused on how they should treat other people.
Here’s one of the bits of advice given for today, on “How to Treat Friends…”
“If your friend is sad, do not try to cheer him up, that will only make him feel worse.”
Do not try to cheer him up??? What? I nearly took the book and threw it against the wall! Thank goodness she wasn’t reading this piece of garbage by herself, and I’m fairly sure we can find a much better book to read next time. Thankfully we have a whole set of Dr. Seuss!