Rambling…

I finally started seeing a therapist several months ago, and my therapist has tasked me to try and figure out what I want for myself. I never really think about what I want out of life without first thinking about how my desires will impact everyone else around me. And according to my therapist, this seems to be an area that I need to work on. I place others needs before my own a lot of the time, and I mainly do it because I try to protect my friends and family, and do what seems best for them. I also tend to compare myself to other people, and think that if they’re alright with something, that I should be too. And right now, there are a lot of people telling me that I should be okay with the life I have and appreciate what I have. A lot of people think I should disregard the hard to deal with issues in my life, and just accept everything as it is; but should I? That’s another question my therapist wants me to figure out for myself. And according to him, I need to stop listening to other people and make some decisions for myself. The problem is, making decisions is difficult for me. I grew up in a very strict home, being directed and told what to do every day of my life. I wasn’t allowed to make my own decisions. And so when I was finally out on my own for the first time, having to make decisions for myself, I really didn’t know how to do that. I think it’s funny how our growing up experiences affect us so much later on in life. But this is just one example of how our upbringing can really screw us up. I know my parents did the best they could, but I just wish my mother hadn’t been so darn overprotective. Oh well… I’ve made plenty of mothering mistakes myself. Just ask my four girls… I’m sure they have a million stories to tell. I guess we can only try and do our best. We are only human, after all.

Advertisements

How can I forget?

coffee-1869647_1280 (1)

 

I’ve got the past, present, and future all on my mind today. I keep trying to overcome the past, but the present just won’t let me forget, which makes the future look like it’ll just be more of the same. And I’m so tired of thinking about the past. Most days, I wish that somehow I could forget everything, and then perhaps I could overcome and heal from the things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. But no matter what I do, or what I try, I can’t forget the hurts, the struggles, and the reality of my life. I still think that it’s possible to overcome the past, but I think in order to do that, I need to face those issues head-on and stop sweeping them under the rug.

I’ve been on WordPress for five years now, and I have made some amazing friends, but the majority of you don’t really know me. I have been a closed book for a very long time, and that is mainly because I’ve been trying to protect my family and friends from knowing what’s really been going on. Sometimes I feel like it makes things worse to be open and honest with the ones you love. I think most people would say that some things should never be talked about because they are just too hard for most people to handle. But because I’ve been keeping things bottled up, I feel like I’m almost at my breaking point now. I’ve been mostly dealing with everything on my own, with very little support from anyone except a few close friends. And I feel like I don’t even want to tell my close friends everything because I don’t like overwhelming people with my problems. Everyone already has enough to deal with in their own lives, and I don’t want to be the kind of friend who heaps on more. I think this is why I’ve alienated nearly everyone from my life. I’ve been afraid that if I stayed close to anyone, that I might accidentally explode and reveal all of the things that I’ve been trying to work through.

After thinking things over while I was on vacation this month, I feel like I am only doing myself an injustice by not saying anything, and I’m on the verge of baring my heart and soul to everyone. I know I have already lost the majority of the connections with my family and friends, and so I don’t think I could do any more damage than I already have. But at the same time, I am still trying to protect my immediate family from some very damaging issues. I’ve been wanting to see a counselor, and discuss some of these issues there, but I’ve tried to find someone in the past, and our insurance wouldn’t cover the cost of those visits. So I’m sort of in a weird dilemma right now. I feel like I need to start talking about all the things that I should have addressed years ago. I think talking about them, and getting them out in the open is the only way to fix anything. I’m still not sure if writing about all of this on my blog is the best approach, but I need to do something; I just wish I knew what to do.

~M

Would you rather?

dice-1209417_960_720

I was just playing one of my favorite games with my girls tonight called, “Would you Rather.”  It’s a great question and answer game and for one of the challenges my oldest daughter had to come up with her own question.  She asked this… “If you had the ability, would you rather change something in the past for the better or something in the future?  And as I thought about this question, I thought I’d rather change something in the future, because the idea of changing the past always makes me wonder if I’d likely then screw up the future.  But then my youngest daughter had this perspective, she said she’d rather change something in the past because in that way it would likely fix something in the future as well.  So in her mind, she was killing two birds with one stone.  Lol… She is always so much more optimistic than I am.  I suppose it’s a gamble either way no matter what choice is made.  What would you do and why?

It was the year 2117…

It was the year 2117, and a brand new shiny city had been built in the middle of the rain forest.  Strangely enough, there were hardly any trees left; just a few scattered vines growing haphazardly on some of the buildings.  The Amazon River wound its way through the spacious city and man-made islands could be seen throughout.  Streets were a thing of the past and boats and airplanes were too.  Those who were mentally strong enough, could travel instantaneously through mind control.  Others who lacked this ability, were at the mercy of those who could.

Most of the buildings sat atop wide pedestals and were sporadically spaced throughout the city.  Some were shaped like huge cigars standing on end, while others were shaped like flying saucers atop narrower single columned structures.  There were only a few ordinary looking buildings; and even those were all elevated off the ground.  A maze of passageways existed underneath the crowded city.  Vines crept and clung to the undersides of the buildings and the majority of the passages were dark and vacant.

Most people walked along netted bridges, which had been built high above the city.  These bridges seemed to connect most of the buildings together, so that people never really had to set foot on the ground.  The majority of people were very free with their bodies.  Little clothing was worn and most of the people seemed intoxicated and grungy looking.  There were quite a few structures built of woven bamboo.  These places were used mainly by the lower class citizens.  Many of the buildings did not even have rooftops, and were instead completely open to the elements.  The upper class citizens were mostly found in the taller buildings; which were all constructed of polished metal.

In the heart of the city, was a large open pavilion; and the view from this vantage point was breathtaking.  The pavilion was divided into sections by bamboo woven walls.  Each separate area held feasting tables, which ran the length of the open rooms.  The rooms were crowded and extra seats were nonexistent.  Food was not available for purchase; instead, neon-colored alcoholic beverages were served in shot glasses.  These colored concoctions littered the tables from one end to the next.

The rooms were filled with people, who appeared expressionless and incoherent.  One woman even had her newborn baby lying in front of her on the table.  The baby was malnourished and naked; untouched and unloved, with its umbilical cord still attached.  One of the woman’s breasts, rested along the edge of the table.  Allowing her baby to suckle while she proceeded to get wasted.  A sign above her read “Viewer Discretion Advised.”

Written by, Michelle Cook


Based on a dream… dreamt on February 2, 2017.