How can I forget?

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I’ve got the past, present, and future all on my mind today. I keep trying to overcome the past, but the present just won’t let me forget, which makes the future look like it’ll just be more of the same. And I’m so tired of thinking about the past. Most days, I wish that somehow I could forget everything, and then perhaps I could overcome and heal from the things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. But no matter what I do, or what I try, I can’t forget the hurts, the struggles, and the reality of my life. I still think that it’s possible to overcome the past, but I think in order to do that, I need to face those issues head-on and stop sweeping them under the rug.

I’ve been on WordPress for five years now, and I have made some amazing friends, but the majority of you don’t really know me. I have been a closed book for a very long time, and that is mainly because I’ve been trying to protect my family and friends from knowing what’s really been going on. Sometimes I feel like it makes things worse to be open and honest with the ones you love. I think most people would say that some things should never be talked about because they are just too hard for most people to handle. But because I’ve been keeping things bottled up, I feel like I’m almost at my breaking point now. I’ve been mostly dealing with everything on my own, with very little support from anyone except a few close friends. And I feel like I don’t even want to tell my close friends everything because I don’t like overwhelming people with my problems. Everyone already has enough to deal with in their own lives, and I don’t want to be the kind of friend who heaps on more. I think this is why I’ve alienated nearly everyone from my life. I’ve been afraid that if I stayed close to anyone, that I might accidentally explode and reveal all of the things that I’ve been trying to work through.

After thinking things over while I was on vacation this month, I feel like I am only doing myself an injustice by not saying anything, and I’m on the verge of baring my heart and soul to everyone. I know I have already lost the majority of the connections with my family and friends, and so I don’t think I could do any more damage than I already have. But at the same time, I am still trying to protect my immediate family from some very damaging issues. I’ve been wanting to see a counselor, and discuss some of these issues there, but I’ve tried to find someone in the past, and our insurance wouldn’t cover the cost of those visits. So I’m sort of in a weird dilemma right now. I feel like I need to start talking about all the things that I should have addressed years ago. I think talking about them, and getting them out in the open is the only way to fix anything. I’m still not sure if writing about all of this on my blog is the best approach, but I need to do something; I just wish I knew what to do.

~M

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Would you rather?

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I was just playing one of my favorite games with my girls tonight called, “Would you Rather.”  It’s a great question and answer game and for one of the challenges my oldest daughter had to come up with her own question.  She asked this… “If you had the ability, would you rather change something in the past for the better or something in the future?  And as I thought about this question, I thought I’d rather change something in the future, because the idea of changing the past always makes me wonder if I’d likely then screw up the future.  But then my youngest daughter had this perspective, she said she’d rather change something in the past because in that way it would likely fix something in the future as well.  So in her mind, she was killing two birds with one stone.  Lol… She is always so much more optimistic than I am.  I suppose it’s a gamble either way no matter what choice is made.  What would you do and why?

It was the year 2117…

It was the year 2117, and a brand new shiny city had been built in the middle of the rain forest.  Strangely enough, there were hardly any trees left; just a few scattered vines growing haphazardly on some of the buildings.  The Amazon River wound its way through the spacious city and man-made islands could be seen throughout.  Streets were a thing of the past and boats and airplanes were too.  Those who were mentally strong enough, could travel instantaneously through mind control.  Others who lacked this ability, were at the mercy of those who could.

Most of the buildings sat atop wide pedestals and were sporadically spaced throughout the city.  Some were shaped like huge cigars standing on end, while others were shaped like flying saucers atop narrower single columned structures.  There were only a few ordinary looking buildings; and even those were all elevated off the ground.  A maze of passageways existed underneath the crowded city.  Vines crept and clung to the undersides of the buildings and the majority of the passages were dark and vacant.

Most people walked along netted bridges, which had been built high above the city.  These bridges seemed to connect most of the buildings together, so that people never really had to set foot on the ground.  The majority of people were very free with their bodies.  Little clothing was worn and most of the people seemed intoxicated and grungy looking.  There were quite a few structures built of woven bamboo.  These places were used mainly by the lower class citizens.  Many of the buildings did not even have rooftops, and were instead completely open to the elements.  The upper class citizens were mostly found in the taller buildings; which were all constructed of polished metal.

In the heart of the city, was a large open pavilion; and the view from this vantage point was breathtaking.  The pavilion was divided into sections by bamboo woven walls.  Each separate area held feasting tables, which ran the length of the open rooms.  The rooms were crowded and extra seats were nonexistent.  Food was not available for purchase; instead, neon-colored alcoholic beverages were served in shot glasses.  These colored concoctions littered the tables from one end to the next.

The rooms were filled with people, who appeared expressionless and incoherent.  One woman even had her newborn baby lying in front of her on the table.  The baby was malnourished and naked; untouched and unloved, with its umbilical cord still attached.  One of the woman’s breasts, rested along the edge of the table.  Allowing her baby to suckle while she proceeded to get wasted.  A sign above her read “Viewer Discretion Advised.”

Written by, Michelle Cook


Based on a dream… dreamt on February 2, 2017.

Him vs. Her – A New Chapter

For the last two years now, I have been very unsure about the future of my marriage.  The past sort of caught up with my husband and the present sort of caught up with me.  Needless to say, we were both at fault in different ways.  About four months ago, I had finally gotten to the point where I decided I was tired of trying.  In my mind, I just sort of gave up and decided it was time to figure out plan B.  I started picturing my life without him.  Wondering what I would do apart from him and where I would go.  We still have two children at home, so that was of course another concern of mine.  What would happen to them if we split up, how would we work it all out?  And yet I could never actually see us getting to the point of divorce.  I really couldn’t even fathom the idea of such a drastic decision.

After admitting to my husband that I didn’t think I could continue on the way things were, he in turn seemed to agree.  And yet divorce was the furthest thing from his mind.  His immediate response was to somehow fix what was broken in our marriage and strengthen the parts which looked salvageable.  For four months now, he has been trying very hard to turn things around.  I have to admit, I haven’t made things easy.  I have fought him every bit of the way, by not really believing any of what he’s been saying.  After years of empty promises, I didn’t want to allow myself to be tricked again.

His first response was to begin by writing me poetry; which is something he had never done in his entire life.  I remember reading the words he wrote during those first few months and thinking to myself… “He can’t really mean any of this.”  I thought… “This is just another one of his schemes to make me believe him, but it’s not going to last.” Over the years he would say he would try harder, but there was never any long lasting changes to support his efforts.  It was mostly just cheap talk and I knew I didn’t want to fall for that again.  I was finally ready to move on and I didn’t want to get sucked back into a life of false hopes.

Well it’s been four months now since he’s started blogging.  And I think the turning point for me was when he wrote this… Heart of Sadness.  Since then, I have begun to believe that he is truly being sincere.  He finally seems to understand and acknowledge how I’ve been feeling.  We tell each other everything, but I had often wondered if he was really hearing me.  I wasn’t sure if he understood that I didn’t feel the same kind of love for him anymore.  I wondered if he could live with that fact, or if it would ultimately destroy our marriage.  Yet the more we talked, the more I knew he understood, and he told me very sweetly that he just wanted me to be happy.

I suppose because he isn’t demanding my love, I am slowly finding my way back to him.  We have been making immense progress, and I am finally accepting that he really is changing for the better.  I’m starting to believe him when he tells me he loves me, and I’m hopeful once more that we can make our marriage work.  We will be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary on the 5th of February and I’m excited to get away for a few days and just have some time alone with him.  We’ve literally spent half our lives together now, and both of us know that we can’t just throw all of that away.  I honestly just can’t picture my life without him, and I hope I never can.

So to my husband… aka, SW.  I have hope that we will make it, TTF…… ❤️  Love always, ~Me

 

A quick update…

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to give all of you a quick update.  Since the start of the new year, I have been trying to figure out a way to make this year better than last.  I know I can’t have a repeat of last year, as it nearly killed me.  So after doing a lot of thinking over the last couple of weeks, I have decided that I really need to focus more of my time on novel writing.  I also want to make some changes here on WordPress.  So you may see me introducing a variety of new and different types of blog posts from here on out.  Another thing is, I am no longer going to be active on social media.  So Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc… have all been removed from my phone.  These platforms have just become too much of a distraction for me and I can’t seem to focus on the work that I need to get done because of it.  I may decide to check those accounts once a month if I have some free time, but I definitely won’t be on there more often than that.  Anyway, here’s to hoping that I’ll be able to make some progress this year.  Hope all of you are doing the same.  Love you guys!  ~M  xoxo