Thoughts and Perspectives From the Mind of a Common Girl
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I once had a friend who I loved completely. Probably more than I even should’ve. But the thing is, they weren’t there to give, but to take instead. And they took a lot from me. The last straw was when they plagiarized some of my work. And rather than make things right, and give me credit in their book, they decided to instead tell me that I should feel honored for what they did, and they couldn’t guarantee that they wouldn’t do it again.
Needless to say, we are no longer friends, and after looking them up on social media, I proceeded to block every online place I could think of that they might be. In doing so, I discovered just how unashamed they were for their actions because they are out there promoting their book, taking full credit for something that isn’t entirely theirs. I honestly couldn’t believe what I was seeing because I trusted this person for five years, and we were as close as friends could be. But apparently, some people have no regard for others, and they just want to stomp on anyone who gets in their way. I’m quite sure this person will likely steal from me again, and so I’m not sure what I will do if that happens. It’s bad enough when random strangers steal your work, but it’s a whole different story when it’s someone you were once really close too.
Anyway, it’s just good to finally be done with this person and to never have to hear from them again. I think the worst part is that my trust has been broken, and that’s something that is very difficult to get back once it’s taken from you. But I’m moving on, and I’m literally doing so, as I’m just about to move several states away from where I currently am. It’s freeing to know that I’ll soon be starting over, and I guess it’s good I’m not dragging along any drama with me when I go. I’m really excited about what’s ahead, and I think this new, exciting change is just what I need.
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I finally started seeing a therapist several months ago, and my therapist has tasked me to try and figure out what I want for myself. I never really think about what I want out of life without first thinking about how my desires will impact everyone else around me. And according to my therapist, this seems to be an area that I need to work on. I place others needs before my own a lot of the time, and I mainly do it because I try to protect my friends and family, and do what seems best for them. I also tend to compare myself to other people, and think that if they’re alright with something, that I should be too. And right now, there are a lot of people telling me that I should be okay with the life I have and appreciate what I have. A lot of people think I should disregard the hard to deal with issues in my life, and just accept everything as it is; but should I? That’s another question my therapist wants me to figure out for myself. And according to him, I need to stop listening to other people and make some decisions for myself. The problem is, making decisions is difficult for me. I grew up in a very strict home, being directed and told what to do every day of my life. I wasn’t allowed to make my own decisions. And so when I was finally out on my own for the first time, having to make decisions for myself, I really didn’t know how to do that. I think it’s funny how our growing up experiences affect us so much later on in life. But this is just one example of how our upbringing can really screw us up. I know my parents did the best they could, but I just wish my mother hadn’t been so darn overprotective. Oh well… I’ve made plenty of mothering mistakes myself. Just ask my four girls… I’m sure they have a million stories to tell. I guess we can only try and do our best. We are only human, after all.
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I’ve got the past, present, and future all on my mind today. I keep trying to overcome the past, but the present just won’t let me forget, which makes the future look like it’ll just be more of the same. And I’m so tired of thinking about the past. Most days, I wish that somehow I could forget everything, and then perhaps I could overcome and heal from the things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. But no matter what I do, or what I try, I can’t forget the hurts, the struggles, and the reality of my life. I still think that it’s possible to overcome the past, but I think in order to do that, I need to face those issues head-on and stop sweeping them under the rug.
I’ve been on WordPress for five years now, and I have made some amazing friends, but the majority of you don’t really know me. I have been a closed book for a very long time, and that is mainly because I’ve been trying to protect my family and friends from knowing what’s really been going on. Sometimes I feel like it makes things worse to be open and honest with the ones you love. I think most people would say that some things should never be talked about because they are just too hard for most people to handle. But because I’ve been keeping things bottled up, I feel like I’m almost at my breaking point now. I’ve been mostly dealing with everything on my own, with very little support from anyone except a few close friends. And I feel like I don’t even want to tell my close friends everything because I don’t like overwhelming people with my problems. Everyone already has enough to deal with in their own lives, and I don’t want to be the kind of friend who heaps on more. I think this is why I’ve alienated nearly everyone from my life. I’ve been afraid that if I stayed close to anyone, that I might accidentally explode and reveal all of the things that I’ve been trying to work through.
After thinking things over while I was on vacation this month, I feel like I am only doing myself an injustice by not saying anything, and I’m on the verge of baring my heart and soul to everyone. I know I have already lost the majority of the connections with my family and friends, and so I don’t think I could do any more damage than I already have. But at the same time, I am still trying to protect my immediate family from some very damaging issues. I’ve been wanting to see a counselor, and discuss some of these issues there, but I’ve tried to find someone in the past, and our insurance wouldn’t cover the cost of those visits. So I’m sort of in a weird dilemma right now. I feel like I need to start talking about all the things that I should have addressed years ago. I think talking about them, and getting them out in the open is the only way to fix anything. I’m still not sure if writing about all of this on my blog is the best approach, but I need to do something; I just wish I knew what to do.
~M
Putting My Feet in the Dirt 