Why am I so stubborn?

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At the beginning of this year, I finally decided that I couldn’t keep going like I was, and so I asked my doctor to put me on anti-depressants.  I’d gone all 46 years of my life without them and felt weak for having to ask for them.  I have always tried to do everything on my own, and even to this day, I hate asking for help.  My anger is what usually fuels my motivation when I’m left having to do something that seems overwhelmingly hard.  And rather than ask for help, I usually just use all that built up negative energy and say a slew of cuss words to complete those difficult tasks.

I think this incessant need to do everything on my own, comes from the way I was raised.  I was always made to feel guilty when asking for anything as a child.  I would get reprimanded when even asking for the simplest of things.  And so I learned how to do most everything on my own.  This way of being raised had its benefits in many ways.  I think I am a much more self-sufficient person because of it and I never give up on anything.

I think if I had to choose one word to describe me, it would be “determined.”  But sometimes, I feel like I just want someone else to take care of me for a change.  I would love to have someone there to help me, without me even having to ask.  To say to me, “That’s enough; you’ve done plenty; let me help you.”  And I want to feel like I can say yes to that, and accept their help.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to change.  I’m getting older and more set in my ways.  I’m just plain stubborn most of the time, and my girls would agree.  They see how irritated I get and how I try not to ask for help.  It usually takes breaking something, for me to finally give in and let them help me.  Usually, it’s me that gets broken because of the stupid things I try to do without help.  And of course, it doesn’t seem to stop me the very next time, from repeating the same act of stupidity.  I guess that’s what stubborn people do.  We’re a glutton for punishment.

I just ended the anti-depressants yesterday.  They seemed to help at first, but then after several weeks, I started feeling anxious all the time, extremely restless, and shaky.  My doctor slowly decreased my dose over the last week, and I do feel more like my old self again.  I have mixed emotions though.  I really did feel better for about the first three weeks, and I’m trying to figure out why I started to feel so bad the longer that I took them.

I still feel like I need to do something to control what I believe to be depression, but I’m not sure what to do to help myself.  I think journaling is the best thing that I can continue to do for now.  At least until I find a better way to help myself.  I’d love to have someone to talk to.  Everyone always talks about having a therapist, but I have never had one.  I suppose that’s a luxury that I will never have.  If my insurance covered that sort of thing, I would see a therapist in a heartbeat, but unfortunately, it doesn’t, and so I have to keep on sorting things out for myself.  Anyway, I feel like I’m starting to ramble, so I’ll end this for today.  Thanks for reading.  ~M

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Trudging along…

Well, I know I haven’t been around for a while, but I’ve been working really hard to get through school.  Blogging has sort of had to take a backseat for the time being because of the amount of work I’ve had to do.  I’ve managed to stay at the top of my class since I started, and today I received the best news ever.  I ended up with a perfect score on my final exam and was told it was one of the best finals that my professor has ever received.  My exam consisted of five essays and ended up being eleven pages long, so to find out how well I did, caused the tears to flow straight away.  For a writer especially, I think we want to know that our writing is good and we crave encouraging feedback.  So for me, today is just the best day ever.  To know somebody thought so highly of my work just makes all the difference in the world to me.  Finding out about how well I’ve done, makes me feel like all the effort I’ve been putting forth is finally paying off.  There have been some days when I haven’t been sure, when I’ve doubted everything and have wanted to throw in the towel and call it quits.  So often, I feel like my time is spread so thin, I don’t have enough of me to go around, and I feel like I’ve had to let some people down because of it.  I hardly ever put myself first in anything I do, but I’ve had no other choice since I started school this year, and the guilt has been eating me up inside.  Feels like my family suffers because of it and I hate knowing that.  But I also know in my heart that there is a reason behind all of this madness.  I feel like this is leading me down a path that I need to continue to follow.  I’m not sure where this will eventually take me, but I’m really excited to find out.  And I’ve made myself a promise not to give up no matter how hard it gets.  I need to do this and discover exactly what it is that I’m eventually supposed to do.  And maybe in the process, I’ll actually figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  I think that’s a question most of us ask ourselves our whole lives.  It would be so great to finally have an answer for that.