Where did my heart go?

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I feel like my heart isn’t in anything right now; I don’t want to do anything; I don’t want to go anywhere;  and least of all, I don’t want to socialize.  People are reaching out, trying to ask me if I’m ok, and to most, I can’t even respond.  I keep asking myself, “What kind of person am I?”  That I can’t even respond to a simple email, phone call, or text message.

I sort of feel like I’m floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean, and there is nothing for as far as the eye can see.  And I want to be here; out of reach of most anyone or anything.  I’m alone without a plan as to where I’m going, and I just don’t care.  I don’t want to do anything else, except for simply float peacefully along, and leave everything else behind.

I don’t think I’ve ever isolated myself as much as I am right now.  And there are times when I question why I’m doing this.  But I feel like I need it.  The quiet has been soothing to my soul.  I’m loving the peace of not having to talk to anyone, to explain myself, to share all the horrible ugly things that I’m so often dealing with.  I don’t want to talk about any of it because then it becomes real.  And I can’t deal with the reality of the things that I know I will eventually need to face.  I just don’t want to right now.

The funniest thing is, I start a social media communications class next week.  It’s a requirement for my major and one of the last general education classes that I still need.  40% of my grade will be the discussions I have with other students.  So much for being anti-social!  Lol.  At least I don’t have to talk about my personal life, but still…

Anyway, so here I am, floating along.  It’s rather calm at the moment, but that usually means there’s a storm brewing on the horizon.  And even though I can’t see it, I’m sort of securing myself to the raft right now; bracing myself for what’s to come.  I just hope the storm passes quickly if and when it finally does arrive.

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Why am I so stubborn?

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At the beginning of this year, I finally decided that I couldn’t keep going like I was, and so I asked my doctor to put me on anti-depressants.  I’d gone all 46 years of my life without them and felt weak for having to ask for them.  I have always tried to do everything on my own, and even to this day, I hate asking for help.  My anger is what usually fuels my motivation when I’m left having to do something that seems overwhelmingly hard.  And rather than ask for help, I usually just use all that built up negative energy and say a slew of cuss words to complete those difficult tasks.

I think this incessant need to do everything on my own, comes from the way I was raised.  I was always made to feel guilty when asking for anything as a child.  I would get reprimanded when even asking for the simplest of things.  And so I learned how to do most everything on my own.  This way of being raised had its benefits in many ways.  I think I am a much more self-sufficient person because of it and I never give up on anything.

I think if I had to choose one word to describe me, it would be “determined.”  But sometimes, I feel like I just want someone else to take care of me for a change.  I would love to have someone there to help me, without me even having to ask.  To say to me, “That’s enough; you’ve done plenty; let me help you.”  And I want to feel like I can say yes to that, and accept their help.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to change.  I’m getting older and more set in my ways.  I’m just plain stubborn most of the time, and my girls would agree.  They see how irritated I get and how I try not to ask for help.  It usually takes breaking something, for me to finally give in and let them help me.  Usually, it’s me that gets broken because of the stupid things I try to do without help.  And of course, it doesn’t seem to stop me the very next time, from repeating the same act of stupidity.  I guess that’s what stubborn people do.  We’re a glutton for punishment.

I just ended the anti-depressants yesterday.  They seemed to help at first, but then after several weeks, I started feeling anxious all the time, extremely restless, and shaky.  My doctor slowly decreased my dose over the last week, and I do feel more like my old self again.  I have mixed emotions though.  I really did feel better for about the first three weeks, and I’m trying to figure out why I started to feel so bad the longer that I took them.

I still feel like I need to do something to control what I believe to be depression, but I’m not sure what to do to help myself.  I think journaling is the best thing that I can continue to do for now.  At least until I find a better way to help myself.  I’d love to have someone to talk to.  Everyone always talks about having a therapist, but I have never had one.  I suppose that’s a luxury that I will never have.  If my insurance covered that sort of thing, I would see a therapist in a heartbeat, but unfortunately, it doesn’t, and so I have to keep on sorting things out for myself.  Anyway, I feel like I’m starting to ramble, so I’ll end this for today.  Thanks for reading.  ~M

Morning thoughts

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I woke up feeling better about things today. I think I’m starting to realize that I’m holding on to too much from my past. It’s hard though when you suddenly get a reminder of past wrongs. I can forget all the past hurts for a while, but then they seem to crop up again. A few weeks ago, I was triggered by a family member, and since then, I feel like I can’t move past what they did. And what they did, made me feel like I no longer matter to them. It feels like they’re trying to erase me from their life.

I’ve been trying to let it go, trying to rationalize why they did it. Some people just don’t even realize that they’ve hurt someone. I would like to think that they weren’t intentionally trying to hurt me, but in the back of my mind, I just can’t shake the feeling that they were. I’m at the point now, where I would rather not care one way or the other. But I do care because it’s someone I’ve known my whole life.

It’s been good for me to be off social media. I think it was the best idea I’ve ever had. There were so many reasons why I finally broke free of it, but I think one of the biggest reasons I left, was because I was constantly being reminded of how I don’t really fit into my families lives anymore. They all live so far away, and I’m no longer a part of all they do on a daily basis. It often causes me to resent my own husband, for leaving me secluded like I am, away from everyone. But then I wonder, am I better off anyway? Perhaps it’s saving me from all the drama that comes from family relationships. And I agreed to all of this, so I shouldn’t be blaming anyone for how I feel.  Maybe it’s just better it all turned out like this. I don’t really know for sure, and I doubt I ever will. So for now, I think I just need to let these thoughts go. I need to do a better job of trying to forget the past hurts. I just need to let it all go and try to get back to feeling like me again.

What? Can’t I just stay in hibernation?

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I’ve been pushing everyone in my life away.  I’ve always been like this, but over the past several years, the urge to be completely alone has gotten worse. The moment I feel like someone isn’t making an effort to be a part of my life, I start to pull away from them.  It’s a defense mechanism I’ve used all my life.  My parents were some of the very first people that I began to push away.  My mom and I had an especially strained relationship when I was growing up, and by the time I turned 18, I moved out and never looked back.  I wasn’t even done with high school at that point, but I was done feeling unwanted by her, and so I left.

This pattern has continued my entire life.  As soon as I feel like someone isn’t happy with me, or doesn’t want me, I pull away and just let them go.  It’s always seemed easier that way.  I like doing things for others, and I love giving as much as I possibly can to the people around me, but I don’t want to have to plead with someone to stay in my life and to want me around.  And I don’t feel like I have the energy to deal with all the drama that comes from complicated relationships anymore.  I guess that’s why I have a very limited number of close friends, and why I’m hesitant to get close to anybody else.

These are just the thoughts that are running through my mind at the moment.  I have a very good life, and plenty of people who I know love me and accept me, but right now, I just feel like pulling away from everyone.  I don’t want to leave myself open to anymore hurts.  I’ve had enough of it already, and so I feel like escaping the potential for more heartache by closing myself off and shutting down.  Anyway, I thought journaling would be a good thing for me right now, so I think I might start writing out my thoughts like this and posting them every now and then.  Since I don’t feel like being very social right now, I’ve closed the comments section.  I just need time alone; I think we all do once in a while.  Thanks for reading.  ~M xo

December Writing Prompts

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December Writing Prompts

  1. In between the clover and the dampened earth.
  2. A mirror image of who he once was.
  3. The truth sucked the life right out of his chest.
  4. Had the map really changed, or had he read it wrong to begin with?
  5. A blanket, soft and warm, with the faintest hint of her perfume.
  6. Deep down in the dungeon…
  7. Two halves of a dress, frayed and worn.
  8. Consumed by fear, he stood as still as the dark night above him.
  9. And as the moon exploded…
  10. She dressed, then wept as the music faded away.
  11. Destiny awaited, they had no other choice.
  12. Holding her gaze briefly from across the room, he knew…
  13. Transfixed by the lights, she never noticed he was there.
  14. A steady breeze guided them along.
  15. Keeping his hands in his pockets, he nervously played with his keys.
  16. And suddenly the door began to melt against the brass frame.
  17. Was it a glitch, or just his imagination?
  18. Droplets of sweat fell to his lap as the blade glistened.
  19. Venom poured from his eyes, poisoned tears.
  20. He drank the last drop, then plummeted into the sea.
  21. Decompression arrived quickly after the window blew out.
  22. Heavenly creatures featured boldly in her dreams.
  23. She reeked of sugary sweets, and her teeth gave away her disguise.
  24. Fishnet stockings were a real nice surprise.
  25. An eruption of presents was all that could be seen.
  26. A half-eaten muffin and a spoon, were all that remained.
  27. She snickered as she ran, until she noticed what was behind her.
  28. The last bell chimed and not even the crickets could be heard.
  29. The floating orb hovered over the painting above the hearth.
  30. Planter boxes of peculiar looking pansies, lined the odd shaped path.
  31. Entombed inside the jar of honey, the key could clearly be seen.

So, I’ve realized that a lot of you are having issues with pingbacks, and I’m very sorry if I have missed any of your lovely posts because of it.  I am trying my best to keep up with everybody, but I must say, it is getting harder and harder to do that.  Please message me at herwritinghaven@gmail.com if you continue to have issues, and I will do my best to walk you through the process.

And there’s another thing I’d like to mention this month about the prompts.  It seems that a lot of you are trying to keep up with the prompts by doing them in order on a daily basis.  But for this month, I’d really like it if you didn’t do them in order.  I want everyone to look through the list and pick and choose which ones they want to do, and please don’t feel like you have to do them all!  You’ll just feel defeated if you can’t keep up, and I don’t want anyone to feel that way.

Another thing that you might want to try this month, is to print the prompts out, cut them apart into thin strips of paper, and then fold them and place them in a jar.  It’s so much fun to do this.  You can then reach inside each day, and pull out a random prompt to write about.  I have a jar full of writing prompts that sits on my desk for this very purpose, and I find them to be very inspiring.

Whatever you end up deciding to do, all you really need is 10 minutes.  Here’s one of the best method’s I know of…

Settle into your favorite place in the house with a hot drink to warm your waking bones.  Once you’ve warmed up a bit; grab your journal, a trusty pen, and a timer.  Then, set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts.  Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!  Write about anything and everything that comes to your mind, and don’t stop until the ten minutes are up.

I often find myself writing short stories or poems during those ten minutes, but you can write about anything you like.  And don’t be alarmed if what you’ve written doesn’t quite make sense.  The whole idea behind doing this exercise is to get your mind ready and working so that you can begin your day.  Just think of it as exercise for your brain, and once you’ve done your ten minutes of writing, you’ll feel more prepared to tackle the rest of your day.

Please just enjoy the writing process this month.  And never feel like you have to stick to a list of rules with my prompts.  These are for you my blogging friends, do with them as you please.  😉

As always, I will be writing and posting over on my other blog, which can be found here. So please come visit me if you get a chance, and hopefully I can keep up with all of you!

One last thing… don’t forget to pingback your posts!  ~M xo

November Writing Prompts #NaNoWriMo

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Well, we’re finally into November!  Can you believe it?  And since many of you are taking part in NaNoWriMo this month, including myself, I wanted to give you an idea on how you can use these prompts to help during your novel writing endeavors.

First of all, I’d like you to think about your morning routine.  What gets you moving in the morning?  What wakes you up and gets your mind motivated to write?  If you happen to struggle with motivation like so many of us do, here’s a simple thing that can help inspire you to write each and every day.  I do this with my daughters every morning, and it really helps to spark the flow of creativity.

Begin by settling into your favorite place in the house with a hot drink to warm your waking bones.  Once you’ve warmed up a bit; grab your journal, a trusty pen, and a timer.  Then, set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts listed below.  Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write!  Write about anything and everything that comes to your mind, and don’t stop until the ten minutes are up.

I often find myself writing short stories or poems during those ten minutes, but you can write about anything you like.  And don’t be alarmed if what you’ve written doesn’t quite make sense.  The whole idea behind doing this exercise is to get your mind ready and working so that you can begin your day.  Just think of it as exercise for your brain, and once you’ve done your ten minutes of writing, you’ll feel more prepared to tackle that novel which is just begging to be written!

And just to let you all know, I will still try to write a few poems this month, but will mostly be focusing on writing my novel.  If you haven’t had the opportunity to visit my new blog where I’m now posting all of my poetry, then please stop by for a visit one of these days and have a look!  Here’s where I can be found… Her Writing Haven.

Good luck everyone… and let the writing begin!  ~M xo

1. Cradled and cocooned
2. Unassuming diversions
3. Deepest desires
4. Prolonged agony
5. Musical undertones
6. A chance meeting
7. Scalloped edges
8. Incessant dreaming
9. Beads of sweat
10. Flaming arrows
11. Killing curiosity
12. Still of night
13. Breezy blunders
14. Mediocrity and milkshakes
15. Bamboozled
16. Insignificant artifacts
17. Orion’s Belt
18. Fastidious matters
19. Teardrops and teacups
20. Iridescent truths
21. Crunchy munchies
22. Wheezing and sneezing
23. Jumbled words
24. Temporary turmoil
25. Naked canvas
26. Fractured figures
27. Neverending sugar cubes
28. Ceiling wax
29. The art of boredom
30. Bedknobs and broomsticks


Photo credit: pixabay.com

Day 11 of our 21 day adventure

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I’m still laying here in bed contemplating the day. I am thoroughly exhausted after hiking all day yesterday and part of me just wants to stay here and lounge around for the remainder of the day. Brian looks like he could use a break as well. I know that I can’t waste my time here though. After all… we only have ten more days away from our simple life back home and I really want to relish every day that we have before the adventure ends. It’s not that I don’t have plenty of adventure back home, it’s just a different kind of adventure… one that involves two huge dogs, one small rat, two girls that tell me every day how happy they are that I’m their mom, a husband that works crazy hours for the Army and my job as: mother, teacher, and wife… and everything else that falls under these three categories.

IMG_1049I slowly drag myself out of bed and as soon as I finish getting ready, Brian starts to get ready too. After several attempts to leave the hotel, we are finally on our way. We’ve decided to go to Shark Reef today and then see a show at the Excalibur Casino called: Tournament of the Kings. After stopping for mochas to help us wake up, we take a wrong turn down Las Vegas Boulevard and find ourselves temporarily lost. Mandalay Bay is our first destination and I hope to win big; just like I did several years ago. Unfortunately, today is not my lucky day, and we head to the Luxor to see if our luck is better there. Still no luck… it appears that this trip is just not panning out for us and I feel foolish for wasting our money.

IMG_1045Back to Mandalay Bay we go after losing what should have been saved for future bills back home. Finding Shark Reef is next to impossible, since the crowds are still lurking about leftover from the 4th of July. We finally spot the ticket booth and make a beeline for the mile long line. As we scurry over, a young couple approaches us and asks us if we are planning to buy tickets for Shark Reef. Of course we tell them that we are, and they explain that they have two free tickets that they would like to give away and they ask us if we would like to have them. I look at Brian and he looks at me. I think we are both sharing the same thoughts about this. I wonder if this is for real or a joke. After all… who just comes up and gives someone free tickets that would otherwise cost $40? We end up graciously accepting the tickets and head for the entrance to Shark Reef.

IMG_1061As we stand here in line, I think both of us are wondering if the tickets are actually real. As we get closer to the entrance, I feel weird for not having to pay. When we finally reach the entrance, the tickets are well received and to my surprise, they actually work to get us in. I am still in disbelief by the whole encounter and I am feeling grateful that we were delayed and took that wrong turn earlier this morning.  I know that if we hadn’t taken that wrong turn, we would never have been in the pathway of the lovely couple that gave us these free tickets. This kind of thing seems to happen to us all the time, and I am always amazed at how God provides for us even when I make stupid decisions like foolishly gambling away money that I should have saved.

IMG_1038Shark Reef turns out to be kind of a letdown and I am relieved that it didn’t cost us $40 to get in. Isn’t that the way it always is though? The first time you visit a place it always seems more amazing and exciting than the second time you go. Why is that? Has the initial wow factor worn off? Or do things really just change that much? I can never really tell… It’s like eating sugary treats nowadays versus when I was a kid. For some reason, nothing seems to taste as good as it did when I was a little girl. Has the product changed or have I? I wonder if I will ever know…

IMG_1040It’s later in the day now and off to Tournament of the Kings we go! This is a dinner show and sounds like it will be a lot of fun. As we enter the arena, we are seated at a long banquet table near the front. Before long, the entire place is full and everyone is being served dinner. The fun part is… utensils are not allowed. Because of the medieval theme, we are required to eat everything with our hands, just like ladies and knights did back in medieval times. Not long after we receive our dinner, the games begin! Jousting is the chosen sport and we watch as the men are knocked off of their horses. The crowd is asked to take part in motivating the kings by yelling encouragements to spur them on. The show is exciting and ends all too soon.

IMG_1046Heading back to the car, we decide to try our luck one more time at the Luxor. Brian and I sit down at a Dungeons and Dragon game, which happens to sit two people at once. We agree that this is the final slot machine that we will play for the day, and we agree to gamble $5. The next thing we know, the machine awards us a winning ticket for $30! We’re so excited that we have finally won something!

IMG_1042With the night still young, we head back to the resort and check out the pool area which is on the fourth floor of the resort. We haven’t had a chance to see what the pool is like yet, and want to see the observation deck as well. Unfortunately, when they built the resort, they put the observation deck facing away from the strip and towards the airport instead. What a waste of a good view…

IMG_1070After enjoying the cooler night air for a little while, we head back to our room and watch a little bit of television. I am surprised to see that the only show that I really care to watch is actually on at the moment. So I plop myself down to watch the remainder of the Bachelorette. It’s Katelyn’s season and I am hoping that she picks Nick. It’s a nice way to unwind after a long day and the first normal thing I’ve done in the last eleven days.