You’re worth more…

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“Never fight for someone who won’t fight for you.”  ~M


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Casting Crowns – Broken Together

What do you think about when you look at me

I know we’re not the fairytale you dreamed we’d be

You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand

And we dove into a mystery

 

How I wish we could go back to simpler times

Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light

Now on this hallowed ground, we’ve drawn the battle lines

Will we make it through the night

 

It’s going to take much more than promises this time

Only God can change our minds

 

CHORUS:

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine

Could healing still be spoken and save us

The only way we’ll last forever is broken together

 

How it must have been so lonely by my side

We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind

I’m praying God will help our broken hearts align

And we won’t give up the fight

 

It’s going to take much more than promises this time

Only God can change our minds

 

CHORUS:

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine

Could healing still be spoken and save us

The only way we’ll last forever is broken together [x2]

#MidnightMadness – 3/28/2017

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“Every life in this world has been painted by God’s own hand.  That’s why I am thankful to God because when he painted my life, he included a lovely color that is YOU.”  ~CBC

*My husband wrote this note and gave it to me several months ago.  I consider it to be, one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. 


Photo credit: pixabay.com

Him vs. Her – The window to his soul

Recently, I’ve been asking myself how it is that my husband and I have had such a quick turn-around in our marriage.  Since September he made the decision to go above and beyond what any normal husband would do, all in order to prove to me that he really wanted to make our relationship work.

I fought him for several months, not believing a word a word of what he was saying and figured he would go back to his old typical ways.  Six months later he has surprised the heck out of me.  He has completely changed into an entirely different person.  It’s as if God said, “Alright Michelle if this is what you want, your perfect wish is granted!”  And then instantly, he handed me somebody new.

At first, I thought an alien had quite possibly taken over my husband’s body.  He is actually so different, that I had to get used to him all over again and frankly it sort of scared me at times.  All of a sudden I had a stranger living in my house, telling me how much they loved and adored me over and over.  And it’s been non-stop for six months now.

So I’ve been trying to figure out what finally broke through my concrete exterior, in order for him to reach in and take back my heart; which had undoubtedly gone into deep hibernation.  After pondering this for quite some time, I’ve finally figured it out!  It’s his eyes… he is finally looking at me!

During our 23 years of marriage, he would never look me in the eyes when he spoke to me.  He just couldn’t do it.  I would ask him to and he just never could.  So connecting with him was very hard, because I could never really relate to him on a deeper level.

Now, when I look at him, he doesn’t look away.  His focus is completely on me and his eyes say it all.  He loves me and what more could a girl want!  He has finally revealed to me the window to his soul.  And I have to say, the view takes my breath away every single time I’m met with those baby blue eyes.  I can only hope that window remains open for the rest of our days.  I would hate to lose such a beautiful sight.

 

 

So ungrateful!

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I tried to get the sweetest picture of my hubby sleeping today. He was hugging the pillows like a teddy bear, 🐻 and had the most angelic 😇 look upon his face. So I crept up close to him, as close as I could get, and was just about to snap a picture, when suddenly he opened his eyes, and shifted his position.

I said…. “Why did you have to move!?!  I was about to capture the cutest picture of you ever!” His sleepy reply…. “I sensed imminent danger….”

So this is the only picture I could get, after he glared at me and shoved a pillow over his face. Sheesh! And all I wanted to do was capture his sweet handsome face! So ungrateful! Lol…. 😜

Typical married life…

Well I’m back, and made it through the worst vacation ever.  I ended up being sick the entire time, and yet fortunately my husband was with me and took good care of me.  It seems we are completely cursed when it comes to anniversaries. Every year on our anniversary, one of us is either sick or in the hospital; it’s been a running joke now as to who it will end up being.  Why we even try to plan romantic getaways for our anniversary anymore, is beyond me.

In between the mad dashes to the bathroom, my husband kept saying, “Well at least we’re together.”  I just rolled my eyes at him and thought to myself, as sweet as that sounded, he couldn’t possibly mean it; and yet he kept insisting that he really did.  After seeing the look in his eyes, I believe he really meant it.  Being in the military and working for a department that operates 24 x 7, my husband gets very little time off from work.  He also doesn’t get paid overtime, even if he works a 60 hour week; so I just feel awful that he had to spend his only few days off, tending to me.

Anyway, I’m home now and trying not to feel frustrated, and yet I really feel like forces beyond our control, once again cheated us out of quality time together.  As soon as we got home today, we also received some unexpected news.  While we were away, my husband’s unit was trying to reach him; it seems that they have a very special job for him, one that will take him away from me for over a year.  I’m excited for him, because this is exactly the break in his career that he’s been waiting for, but of course I will miss him when he goes.  This is the life of a military family though, and we will get through it just like we always have.

Him vs. Her – A New Chapter

For the last two years now, I have been very unsure about the future of my marriage.  The past sort of caught up with my husband and the present sort of caught up with me.  Needless to say, we were both at fault in different ways.  About four months ago, I had finally gotten to the point where I decided I was tired of trying.  In my mind, I just sort of gave up and decided it was time to figure out plan B.  I started picturing my life without him.  Wondering what I would do apart from him and where I would go.  We still have two children at home, so that was of course another concern of mine.  What would happen to them if we split up, how would we work it all out?  And yet I could never actually see us getting to the point of divorce.  I really couldn’t even fathom the idea of such a drastic decision.

After admitting to my husband that I didn’t think I could continue on the way things were, he in turn seemed to agree.  And yet divorce was the furthest thing from his mind.  His immediate response was to somehow fix what was broken in our marriage and strengthen the parts which looked salvageable.  For four months now, he has been trying very hard to turn things around.  I have to admit, I haven’t made things easy.  I have fought him every bit of the way, by not really believing any of what he’s been saying.  After years of empty promises, I didn’t want to allow myself to be tricked again.

His first response was to begin by writing me poetry; which is something he had never done in his entire life.  I remember reading the words he wrote during those first few months and thinking to myself… “He can’t really mean any of this.”  I thought… “This is just another one of his schemes to make me believe him, but it’s not going to last.” Over the years he would say he would try harder, but there was never any long lasting changes to support his efforts.  It was mostly just cheap talk and I knew I didn’t want to fall for that again.  I was finally ready to move on and I didn’t want to get sucked back into a life of false hopes.

Well it’s been four months now since he’s started blogging.  And I think the turning point for me was when he wrote this… Heart of Sadness.  Since then, I have begun to believe that he is truly being sincere.  He finally seems to understand and acknowledge how I’ve been feeling.  We tell each other everything, but I had often wondered if he was really hearing me.  I wasn’t sure if he understood that I didn’t feel the same kind of love for him anymore.  I wondered if he could live with that fact, or if it would ultimately destroy our marriage.  Yet the more we talked, the more I knew he understood, and he told me very sweetly that he just wanted me to be happy.

I suppose because he isn’t demanding my love, I am slowly finding my way back to him.  We have been making immense progress, and I am finally accepting that he really is changing for the better.  I’m starting to believe him when he tells me he loves me, and I’m hopeful once more that we can make our marriage work.  We will be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary on the 5th of February and I’m excited to get away for a few days and just have some time alone with him.  We’ve literally spent half our lives together now, and both of us know that we can’t just throw all of that away.  I honestly just can’t picture my life without him, and I hope I never can.

So to my husband… aka, SW.  I have hope that we will make it, TTF…… ❤️  Love always, ~Me

 

On the subject of cheating…

Today was a bit of a somber day for the attendees at our local church.  It appears that our pastor resigned because of his unfaithfulness to his wife.  I am a member of this church, but no longer a regular attender.  I have found organized religion to be very frustrating at times and so I don’t go as often as I used to.  I enjoy my quiet time at home, worshipping God in my own way, without the distractions from others.

It seems that the majority of church goers these days, are generally just there to keep up with appearances.  To me, being a believer is more than just putting on a fake smile and acting as if I’m living a good morally correct life.  I don’t need the acceptance of others, and I don’t care if the world loves me without question.  God should be the only person who I look to for acceptance.  As long as He loves me, I figure I’m good to go, and the Bible plainly states He does, so there’s no doubt in my mind about that.

I do attend church for my children’s sake, because they are home schooled and they like to attend in order to see their friends on Sunday mornings.  But still… it isn’t on a regular basis.  I used to feel guilty when I would miss a Sunday, but that all changed for me over the years.  I started to see the true colors of the people who were there, and it simply broke my heart because of what I witnessed.  This isn’t the first church I have attended where things like this have happened and I suppose over the extent of my life, I have just become tired of all the drama.

I can almost guarantee, that after what happened today, half the church will leave and move on to other churches.  Each one will feel so disappointed by what they have learned, because of the indiscretions of our head pastor, they just won’t be able to find peace within those walls anymore.  And yet, if we could see the hearts of every individual that attends the church, I bet at least three quarters of them have cheated on their spouses before; at least in their thoughts.  The thing is, the only difference is, they haven’t gotten caught, and their true desires aren’t seen.  We begin to judge people before we even think about our own thoughts and the way we’ve been behaving ourselves.

I myself, have never had a physical affair, nor do I intend to, but the thought has crossed my mind plenty of times.  And given the opportunity, I honestly can’t say for sure what I would do.  To even admit to this, would probably get me kicked out of the church, and yet many others are thinking the very same thing.  I believe none of us are free from the temptations that surround us on a daily basis, and this is the reason that so many of us fail at being obedient and living Godly lives.  Even now, my heart has not been in a good place lately.  I find myself longing for things, which I should never even consider, and yet I still do.

This topic has been thoroughly discussed in my own marriage.  My husband knows that I am struggling to be completely devoted to him and we are trying to work through the problems that we are currently facing.  I am not ashamed to admit this, because I know that I am not the only one who is dealing with this kind of situation.  I have been very unhappy in my relationship and it has led me down some very tempting pathways.

I honestly don’t think that we are any different from the millions of other Christian couples out there.  I am tired of people being shamed for things, when really we should be building them back up, and helping them fix the problems that they are facing.  Belittling others doesn’t solve anything and expecting a pastor to be any different than anyone else is completely absurd.  We are all sinners and we all struggle, whether we care to admit it or not.

So today, I am feeling sorry for my pastor and his wife.  Sorry because apparently their marriage was failing and they couldn’t seem to fix what was broken.  It takes two people to make a marriage work, so I will not take sides.  I can only hope and pray, that they will now find their way through this mess that they are dealing with, and I think the hardest part will come from the conviction of the church.  They will most likely lose friends, possibly family members who cannot understand.  Their own children may start to take sides.  Who knows…. It won’t be pretty I’m sure and I just hope that they will both come out stronger in the end, for all that they have had to endure.

We never know what causes a marriage to crumble and unless we are in that relationship ourselves, I feel we have no right to judge another person’s marriage.  We can offer up helpful solutions and give a word of advice, but even in that, we have to be careful not to overstep our boundaries.  I think the best thing we can do, is just pray and let God handle the situation.  Each of us have enough of our own existing problems to deal with ourselves.

Just a quick update on where I’ve been…

I want to apologize for not reading and commenting on as many blogs as I usually do.  I have been so busy over the last few months, because both of my girls are getting married this year.  As a matter of fact, one just got married last month in California, and the other gets married next month in Florida.  And yes, they just had to get married and move to states, which are completely opposite of where I live!  Lol…

So I’m currently down in Florida this week, helping my daughter get everything planned for her wedding day.  I don’t know how much help I’ve really been, but I’m here nonetheless.

Yesterday was mostly picking out wedding decorations, and today she went out shopping for wedding attire for the men.  Tomorrow is meeting with the photographer, snapping a few pre-engagement photos, then ordering the cake, flowers, etc…..

I’m currently at our resort, making garland and bows.  It’s so much better if I just make the things she wants to use as decorations, and a whole lot cheaper too!

Florida is so nice this time of year, compared to the cool fall days in Wisconsin.  We leave here on Friday to head back, but it’s been a nice break for me, and fun spending some time with my daughter.  Hope everyone is having a good week!  ~M

 

Him vs. Her – Is this for real?

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It’s been awhile since I wrote a Him vs. Her, and there’s been a few things that I’ve wanted to share, so here goes…

As I’ve spoken of in recent days, hubby and I have been having quite a bit of trouble getting through these past two years.  We’re coming up on 23 years of marriage in February and although things haven’t been the best, I see a ton of progress being made in our relationship.

One thing that has recently changed, is the fact that hubby began to ask himself why we weren’t connecting the way we ought to be.  He started praying about a lot of things that he had been struggling with, and asking God to show him where he was going wrong.

One morning he suddenly woke up, and announced to me that he was no longer going to be the man that just let life pass him by.  He vowed to encourage me in my own faith, to stop withholding his love from me, and promised to become the man that I deserve.

I was quite taken back from his sudden change of heart.  I truly wondered if he was serious.  After so many years of me feeling rejected and unloved by him, I wondered why he wanted to change now.  I was actually a bit angry at first, and wondered why he waited almost 23 years to change his tune and be the man that I had always hoped he would be.

It’s been about a month now, and my head is still spinning from the changes that I see in him.  I still have my doubts that things will stay this way and I am unsure of how to act sometimes, because I had gotten so used to feeling as if I didn’t matter to him.  I felt ignored, unimportant, and very unhappy most of the time.

So now confusion is setting in.  I keep asking myself… Is this real?  Will this last? And do I really want to give him a chance to fix what’s been broken for so long?  My stubborn side tells me not to give in; warns me that he had his chance, and reminds me that my heart has since moved on.  And yet the part of me that has never stopped loving him, tells me to forgive and forget; to let go of the past and move forward, because obviously God has taken his heart and changed it for the good.

I feel vulnerable in accepting the possibility that he really has changed.  I feel like I could wake up tomorrow and be taken for granted once again.  I don’t think I can handle another 23 years of feeling that way and I’m almost fearful of being blindsided and letting that happen again.

I have become stronger in these last two years.  Learning to be more independent of him because he wasn’t always there, and quite honestly, I grew to love the freedom of being alone, because it meant that I didn’t have to continue feeling rejected by him.  I used writing as my escape and felt like I didn’t need him anymore.

So now, I have a choice to make.  I am struggling every day to either accept this unexpected gift that apparently God has given me, or throw it all away because I’m stubborn and tired of trying.  It sounds like an easy choice, and yet I’m fighting against my own will to keep myself from getting hurt.  My heart just won’t let me forget all the suffering and the pain, which plagued me for so long.  And yet I know what I must do.

In recent days, I have been blessed with loving words of affirmation, by my husband who is trying so very hard to make things right.  Tonight I spent some time going through all the notes that he’s been leaving for me over the past month, and I affixed them to the tree that I painted on my office wall.  I decided that I needed these loving reminders, to help me move forward.  I need to forget the years of bad memories and replace them with the good ones that we are finally making together.  I think I may eventually win this battle after all.

 

Pure bliss and happiness, are closer than I once thought.

Well, today was a much better day.  I still don’t have a working cell phone, but I rather enjoyed unplugging for once and I think I accomplished a lot more because of it.  I’m still writing for Channillo, and so I added another chapter to my series today.  I’m up to 6 subscribers now!  Woo hoo!  Lol….  I know it doesn’t seem like much, but honestly… those 6 subscribers mean the world to me right now.  There’s just something about knowing that somebody, (anybody at all) is reading my very first book!  It tickles me to no end!  Yes, I’m smiling from ear to ear and doing the happy dance because of it.

Anyway, another thing that has me blissfully happy today, is the fact that I have been asked to start selling my poetry at one of our local shops downtown.  Today I was finally able to order most of the supplies that I will need.  I was able to find a ton of frames and mats on sale.  Now I just need to figure out how to personalize and decorate each one, to really make them stand out.  I’m just so excited to finally have the opportunity to move forward with selling some of my work.  I am no longer letting these opportunity’s pass me by.  It’s do or die time, and I need to be smart for once and take these God given opportunities that are finally crossing my path and just run with them. 

Things on the home front have been improving.  Hubby and I have really been working through some tough issues and I believe that we are finally making immense progress.  My future seems to be clearer than it has been in a long time, and we have even been talking about writing a book together.  Hubby’s a huge history buff and I’m not very good with remembering historical details as much as he is, so I think by combining my love for writing and his love of history, we may end up coming up with something pretty amazing.  He’s been jotting down some ideas, and I think after the first of the year, we will begin to have some time to really sit down and plan what we want to write about.

I was gone all last week, as my oldest daughter recently got married in California.  The ceremony was beautiful and each of them wrote their own vows to one another.  I feel truly blessed, knowing that my daughter was able to find such an amazing husband.  She is in good hands and I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that she will be well cared for.  They are both currently full-time missionary’s and seem excited to stay in the mission field. 

Now that I’m back in Wisconsin, I’m really missing the warm weather that we had out there.  Of course I don’t miss the constant traffic that we had to deal with and the fast pace of life that seems to be the norm out there.  After growing up in California, I vowed never to move back.   (And really how can you, when each house is a million dollars plus on average.)  I am still very much content in my choice to stay in the mid-west, where daily life is more relaxed, less expensive, and where I can actually breathe the air without coughing up a lung.

Today has been a wonderful day, I slept in late, ran errands, went to our church small group this evening, and then I came home and proceeded with the normal day to day stuff that I needed to catch up on.  I feel content and happy right now and since it’s getting late here, I should sign off.  So if you’re reading this, I really do hope that you have a wonderful God filled week, full of joy and happiness.  Much love, to all my faithful readers.  You guys are the best!  ~M  xoxo

 

Heart issues…

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Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit Copper Falls State Park, in northern Wisconsin.  Hubby and I have been having quite a rough patch lately and so we decided that we really needed a day away to just enjoy the beauty of God’s wonderful creation.  Whenever we’re feeling far away from each other, we are usually feeling very much apart from God as well, and it always seems the closer we get to God, the closer we get to each other.

It’s been a very tough year for us and I have been searching for answers to try and sort things out for both of us.  It’s hard to admit it, but I really feel like we have drifted apart in a way that makes it very difficult to reconnect.  I would say outwardly, we look like the perfect couple.  We never fight or argue, we have fun together, we laugh, we are still very intimate, and we generally like to spend time with each other.  I know most people would be saying at this point, well than what’s the problem?

The problem seems to be a heart issue with me.  I love this man of mine dearly, but I don’t feel that I am in-love with him.  I find myself so often wishing that I could change the way I feel about him, but the more I try, the more hopeless I become.  Can I stay married to somebody that I am not in-love with?  I would say absolutely yes.  I have lived this way for so long now, feeling this way about him, and so it has become routine for me.  I don’t believe in divorce and I know that life isn’t always greener on the other side anyway.  So I feel I just need to go along with who I chose to be with, who I made lifelong vows to, and just accept the fact that there is one significant piece missing, and hope I will someday find that missing piece within our relationship.

We have a very unique relationship in that he knows my deepest darkest secrets, and I know his as well.  Knowing those things is very hard and not always easy to understand, and yet we both accept each other for who we are and try to move forward every day.  Neither one of us has ever wanted to give up on the other, and he has really been patient with me lately, just wanting me to find happiness, even if it isn’t with him.  And so we continue on, hoping that the future will bring clarity to both of us.  Life isn’t always easy, but I believe I am blessed in a million amazing ways and I never want to take those blessings for granted.

Him vs. Her – The grime of life

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Where to begin… I really have no idea what to write about.  Everything I’d been considering earlier, sounded so much better as I was standing in the shower this morning.  However, I do think that this quote sort of sums things up for me today.  It’s too bad all of the muck in my life, couldn’t have somehow broken free and lost its way down that drain.  No matter what I do, the problems and issues I’m currently facing, just never seem to go away.  I suppose I feel that I have come to a place in my life, of complete discontent and unhappiness.  So much so, that I have been trying to find happiness in all the wrong places and have set myself up for failure during the process.  Backtracking is the hardest thing of all, because once we move forward, we can never seem to go back the same way we came.  True the saying goes… nothing ventured, nothing gained.  But then again, I think I’ve been testing the fire with my bare hands, and now I’m paying the price for that.  Life… does it ever get any easier?  Sigh…


Quote found at: pinterest.com