Come rescue me…

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“I wanna look up into your eyes every day and feel your soul connecting with mine.” ~M


Photo credit:  Pixabay.com

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For them…

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The sudden silence is what gets to me most, every time he leaves.  Then my chest starts to tighten, and the tears begin to well up, and at that point, I know I’m done for.  There’s no holding back the flood of emotions no matter how hard I try.  I bury my face in my hands, trying so hard to hide the pain that’s gushing out through every inch of my being.

I can’t let anyone know how much this hurts, how lost I am, how much I don’t even want to do life anymore because I’m always feeling so alone.  Five minutes have passed, and I’m wiping the evidence away.  Putting on my brave soldier face once more, shrugging my shoulders and getting a grip just the way I’ve been taught.  I cannot cry, I can’t let anyone know that I’m weak, and I can’t ever confess to anyone that sometimes I’d rather be six feet under than endure another day alone.

There are little people counting on me, babies that need protecting, loved, and cared for.  And this is why I bury all of it, deep inside where nobody can see. If anyone ever found out what I was really thinking, what would they do?  What would they say?  So I fight through it, the let downs, the misery, the feelings of loneliness and despair.  And I put on a happy face because that makes everyone else feel better when I do that.  They need me to be happy, and I can’t let them down.  I’ve got to hold it together, for them…

 

How can I forget?

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I’ve got the past, present, and future all on my mind today. I keep trying to overcome the past, but the present just won’t let me forget, which makes the future look like it’ll just be more of the same. And I’m so tired of thinking about the past. Most days, I wish that somehow I could forget everything, and then perhaps I could overcome and heal from the things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. But no matter what I do, or what I try, I can’t forget the hurts, the struggles, and the reality of my life. I still think that it’s possible to overcome the past, but I think in order to do that, I need to face those issues head-on and stop sweeping them under the rug.

I’ve been on WordPress for five years now, and I have made some amazing friends, but the majority of you don’t really know me. I have been a closed book for a very long time, and that is mainly because I’ve been trying to protect my family and friends from knowing what’s really been going on. Sometimes I feel like it makes things worse to be open and honest with the ones you love. I think most people would say that some things should never be talked about because they are just too hard for most people to handle. But because I’ve been keeping things bottled up, I feel like I’m almost at my breaking point now. I’ve been mostly dealing with everything on my own, with very little support from anyone except a few close friends. And I feel like I don’t even want to tell my close friends everything because I don’t like overwhelming people with my problems. Everyone already has enough to deal with in their own lives, and I don’t want to be the kind of friend who heaps on more. I think this is why I’ve alienated nearly everyone from my life. I’ve been afraid that if I stayed close to anyone, that I might accidentally explode and reveal all of the things that I’ve been trying to work through.

After thinking things over while I was on vacation this month, I feel like I am only doing myself an injustice by not saying anything, and I’m on the verge of baring my heart and soul to everyone. I know I have already lost the majority of the connections with my family and friends, and so I don’t think I could do any more damage than I already have. But at the same time, I am still trying to protect my immediate family from some very damaging issues. I’ve been wanting to see a counselor, and discuss some of these issues there, but I’ve tried to find someone in the past, and our insurance wouldn’t cover the cost of those visits. So I’m sort of in a weird dilemma right now. I feel like I need to start talking about all the things that I should have addressed years ago. I think talking about them, and getting them out in the open is the only way to fix anything. I’m still not sure if writing about all of this on my blog is the best approach, but I need to do something; I just wish I knew what to do.

~M

Morning thoughts

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I woke up feeling better about things today. I think I’m starting to realize that I’m holding on to too much from my past. It’s hard though when you suddenly get a reminder of past wrongs. I can forget all the past hurts for a while, but then they seem to crop up again. A few weeks ago, I was triggered by a family member, and since then, I feel like I can’t move past what they did. And what they did, made me feel like I no longer matter to them. It feels like they’re trying to erase me from their life.

I’ve been trying to let it go, trying to rationalize why they did it. Some people just don’t even realize that they’ve hurt someone. I would like to think that they weren’t intentionally trying to hurt me, but in the back of my mind, I just can’t shake the feeling that they were. I’m at the point now, where I would rather not care one way or the other. But I do care because it’s someone I’ve known my whole life.

It’s been good for me to be off social media. I think it was the best idea I’ve ever had. There were so many reasons why I finally broke free of it, but I think one of the biggest reasons I left, was because I was constantly being reminded of how I don’t really fit into my families lives anymore. They all live so far away, and I’m no longer a part of all they do on a daily basis. It often causes me to resent my own husband, for leaving me secluded like I am, away from everyone. But then I wonder, am I better off anyway? Perhaps it’s saving me from all the drama that comes from family relationships. And I agreed to all of this, so I shouldn’t be blaming anyone for how I feel.  Maybe it’s just better it all turned out like this. I don’t really know for sure, and I doubt I ever will. So for now, I think I just need to let these thoughts go. I need to do a better job of trying to forget the past hurts. I just need to let it all go and try to get back to feeling like me again.

Casting Crowns – Broken Together

What do you think about when you look at me

I know we’re not the fairytale you dreamed we’d be

You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand

And we dove into a mystery

 

How I wish we could go back to simpler times

Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light

Now on this hallowed ground, we’ve drawn the battle lines

Will we make it through the night

 

It’s going to take much more than promises this time

Only God can change our minds

 

CHORUS:

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine

Could healing still be spoken and save us

The only way we’ll last forever is broken together

 

How it must have been so lonely by my side

We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind

I’m praying God will help our broken hearts align

And we won’t give up the fight

 

It’s going to take much more than promises this time

Only God can change our minds

 

CHORUS:

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine

Could healing still be spoken and save us

The only way we’ll last forever is broken together [x2]

#MidnightMadness – 3/28/2017

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“Every life in this world has been painted by God’s own hand.  That’s why I am thankful to God because when he painted my life, he included a lovely color that is YOU.”  ~CBC

*My husband wrote this note and gave it to me several months ago.  I consider it to be, one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. 


Photo credit: pixabay.com

Him vs. Her – The window to his soul

Recently, I’ve been asking myself how it is that my husband and I have had such a quick turn-around in our marriage.  Since September he made the decision to go above and beyond what any normal husband would do, all in order to prove to me that he really wanted to make our relationship work.

I fought him for several months, not believing a word a word of what he was saying and figured he would go back to his old typical ways.  Six months later he has surprised the heck out of me.  He has completely changed into an entirely different person.  It’s as if God said, “Alright Michelle if this is what you want, your perfect wish is granted!”  And then instantly, he handed me somebody new.

At first, I thought an alien had quite possibly taken over my husband’s body.  He is actually so different, that I had to get used to him all over again and frankly it sort of scared me at times.  All of a sudden I had a stranger living in my house, telling me how much they loved and adored me over and over.  And it’s been non-stop for six months now.

So I’ve been trying to figure out what finally broke through my concrete exterior, in order for him to reach in and take back my heart; which had undoubtedly gone into deep hibernation.  After pondering this for quite some time, I’ve finally figured it out!  It’s his eyes… he is finally looking at me!

During our 23 years of marriage, he would never look me in the eyes when he spoke to me.  He just couldn’t do it.  I would ask him to and he just never could.  So connecting with him was very hard, because I could never really relate to him on a deeper level.

Now, when I look at him, he doesn’t look away.  His focus is completely on me and his eyes say it all.  He loves me and what more could a girl want!  He has finally revealed to me the window to his soul.  And I have to say, the view takes my breath away every single time I’m met with those baby blue eyes.  I can only hope that window remains open for the rest of our days.  I would hate to lose such a beautiful sight.

 

 

So ungrateful!

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I tried to get the sweetest picture of my hubby sleeping today. He was hugging the pillows like a teddy bear, 🐻 and had the most angelic 😇 look upon his face. So I crept up close to him, as close as I could get, and was just about to snap a picture, when suddenly he opened his eyes, and shifted his position.

I said…. “Why did you have to move!?!  I was about to capture the cutest picture of you ever!” His sleepy reply…. “I sensed imminent danger….”

So this is the only picture I could get, after he glared at me and shoved a pillow over his face. Sheesh! And all I wanted to do was capture his sweet handsome face! So ungrateful! Lol…. 😜

Typical married life…

Well I’m back, and made it through the worst vacation ever.  I ended up being sick the entire time, and yet fortunately my husband was with me and took good care of me.  It seems we are completely cursed when it comes to anniversaries. Every year on our anniversary, one of us is either sick or in the hospital; it’s been a running joke now as to who it will end up being.  Why we even try to plan romantic getaways for our anniversary anymore, is beyond me.

In between the mad dashes to the bathroom, my husband kept saying, “Well at least we’re together.”  I just rolled my eyes at him and thought to myself, as sweet as that sounded, he couldn’t possibly mean it; and yet he kept insisting that he really did.  After seeing the look in his eyes, I believe he really meant it.  Being in the military and working for a department that operates 24 x 7, my husband gets very little time off from work.  He also doesn’t get paid overtime, even if he works a 60 hour week; so I just feel awful that he had to spend his only few days off, tending to me.

Anyway, I’m home now and trying not to feel frustrated, and yet I really feel like forces beyond our control, once again cheated us out of quality time together.  As soon as we got home today, we also received some unexpected news.  While we were away, my husband’s unit was trying to reach him; it seems that they have a very special job for him, one that will take him away from me for over a year.  I’m excited for him, because this is exactly the break in his career that he’s been waiting for, but of course I will miss him when he goes.  This is the life of a military family though, and we will get through it just like we always have.