The sudden silence is what gets to me most, every time he leaves. Then my chest starts to tighten, and the tears begin to well up, and at that point, I know I’m done for. There’s no holding back the flood of emotions no matter how hard I try. I bury my face in my hands, trying so hard to hide the pain that’s gushing out through every inch of my being.
I can’t let anyone know how much this hurts, how lost I am, how much I don’t even want to do life anymore because I’m always feeling so alone. Five minutes have passed, and I’m wiping the evidence away. Putting on my brave soldier face once more, shrugging my shoulders and getting a grip just the way I’ve been taught. I cannot cry, I can’t let anyone know that I’m weak, and I can’t ever confess to anyone that sometimes I’d rather be six feet under than endure another day alone.
There are little people counting on me, babies that need protecting, loved, and cared for. And this is why I bury all of it, deep inside where nobody can see. If anyone ever found out what I was really thinking, what would they do? What would they say? So I fight through it, the let downs, the misery, the feelings of loneliness and despair. And I put on a happy face because that makes everyone else feel better when I do that. They need me to be happy, and I can’t let them down. I’ve got to hold it together, for them…
“It’s a good thing I’m not God, the characters in my stories suffer enough already as it is.” ~M
Photo credit: Pixabay.com
He was the boy
Who brought a smile
Wherever he went
Yes, he was that boy…
And my tears just won’t relent
*Sorry folks, but grief won out tonight… ~M
Photo credit: pixabay.com
“Let your burdens be like water and your blessings be like honey.” ~M
Well today should be considered one of the worst days I’ve had so far this year, and yet I sort of just feel like laughing right now. And yet earlier in the week, when I couldn’t have had a better day (that’s just how amazing it was), all I wanted to do was cry.
I am really starting to question my sanity at this point. I have to say though, if what I faced today is really one of the worst days I could have, than I really should be counting my blessings. So many people are facing much worse issues than I am. I guess it all just comes down to perspective. We can either let that bad day get to us, or we can say to ourselves, “It could have been much worse, time to move on…”
So I’ve decided to let the burdens of this day, sort of run off my back. Yes, they are still here, but I’m choosing to carry them lightly; sort of like you carry a dirty, stinky old sock. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully it will be a whole lot better. I’m choosing to be positive about the things which I cannot change about today. Hope you are too!
Much love, ~M xoxo