Rambling…

I finally started seeing a therapist several months ago, and my therapist has tasked me to try and figure out what I want for myself. I never really think about what I want out of life without first thinking about how my desires will impact everyone else around me. And according to my therapist, this seems to be an area that I need to work on. I place others needs before my own a lot of the time, and I mainly do it because I try to protect my friends and family, and do what seems best for them. I also tend to compare myself to other people, and think that if they’re alright with something, that I should be too. And right now, there are a lot of people telling me that I should be okay with the life I have and appreciate what I have. A lot of people think I should disregard the hard to deal with issues in my life, and just accept everything as it is; but should I? That’s another question my therapist wants me to figure out for myself. And according to him, I need to stop listening to other people and make some decisions for myself. The problem is, making decisions is difficult for me. I grew up in a very strict home, being directed and told what to do every day of my life. I wasn’t allowed to make my own decisions. And so when I was finally out on my own for the first time, having to make decisions for myself, I really didn’t know how to do that. I think it’s funny how our growing up experiences affect us so much later on in life. But this is just one example of how our upbringing can really screw us up. I know my parents did the best they could, but I just wish my mother hadn’t been so darn overprotective. Oh well… I’ve made plenty of mothering mistakes myself. Just ask my four girls… I’m sure they have a million stories to tell. I guess we can only try and do our best. We are only human, after all.

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How can I forget?

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I’ve got the past, present, and future all on my mind today. I keep trying to overcome the past, but the present just won’t let me forget, which makes the future look like it’ll just be more of the same. And I’m so tired of thinking about the past. Most days, I wish that somehow I could forget everything, and then perhaps I could overcome and heal from the things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. But no matter what I do, or what I try, I can’t forget the hurts, the struggles, and the reality of my life. I still think that it’s possible to overcome the past, but I think in order to do that, I need to face those issues head-on and stop sweeping them under the rug.

I’ve been on WordPress for five years now, and I have made some amazing friends, but the majority of you don’t really know me. I have been a closed book for a very long time, and that is mainly because I’ve been trying to protect my family and friends from knowing what’s really been going on. Sometimes I feel like it makes things worse to be open and honest with the ones you love. I think most people would say that some things should never be talked about because they are just too hard for most people to handle. But because I’ve been keeping things bottled up, I feel like I’m almost at my breaking point now. I’ve been mostly dealing with everything on my own, with very little support from anyone except a few close friends. And I feel like I don’t even want to tell my close friends everything because I don’t like overwhelming people with my problems. Everyone already has enough to deal with in their own lives, and I don’t want to be the kind of friend who heaps on more. I think this is why I’ve alienated nearly everyone from my life. I’ve been afraid that if I stayed close to anyone, that I might accidentally explode and reveal all of the things that I’ve been trying to work through.

After thinking things over while I was on vacation this month, I feel like I am only doing myself an injustice by not saying anything, and I’m on the verge of baring my heart and soul to everyone. I know I have already lost the majority of the connections with my family and friends, and so I don’t think I could do any more damage than I already have. But at the same time, I am still trying to protect my immediate family from some very damaging issues. I’ve been wanting to see a counselor, and discuss some of these issues there, but I’ve tried to find someone in the past, and our insurance wouldn’t cover the cost of those visits. So I’m sort of in a weird dilemma right now. I feel like I need to start talking about all the things that I should have addressed years ago. I think talking about them, and getting them out in the open is the only way to fix anything. I’m still not sure if writing about all of this on my blog is the best approach, but I need to do something; I just wish I knew what to do.

~M

Would you rather?

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I was just playing one of my favorite games with my girls tonight called, “Would you Rather.”  It’s a great question and answer game and for one of the challenges my oldest daughter had to come up with her own question.  She asked this… “If you had the ability, would you rather change something in the past for the better or something in the future?  And as I thought about this question, I thought I’d rather change something in the future, because the idea of changing the past always makes me wonder if I’d likely then screw up the future.  But then my youngest daughter had this perspective, she said she’d rather change something in the past because in that way it would likely fix something in the future as well.  So in her mind, she was killing two birds with one stone.  Lol… She is always so much more optimistic than I am.  I suppose it’s a gamble either way no matter what choice is made.  What would you do and why?

Tales of the Dark Side – (Part 1, The Broom Incident)

At the age of 19, I enlisted in the Army.  By the time I finally got shipped out, I was 20 years old and ready for the adventure of a lifetime.  After finishing boot camp and AIT (Advanced Individual Training), I decided it was time to go back home and visit my parents.  I’d like to say I was a bit smarter and wiser at that point, but as you’ll soon see, I was still really naïve.

I was fairly happy to be home again.  It had been two years since my mother had dared me to leave, and of course, I had been all too eager to accept her offer.  On this particular day, my parents left to go shopping and so I decided to tidy up a bit and surprise my mother like old times.  I began cleaning and scrubbing the entire house from top to bottom, and when I was finished, I wondered if there was anything else I could do to improve the place.

I noticed a cinnamon scented spice broom over by the hearth and remembered that I had sent it to my mother for Christmas.  I picked it up to see if it still smelled as good as I’d remembered, and was somewhat disappointed that the scent had mostly faded.  Around the top of the broom handle, was a small tag; and I was happy to see that it actually provided directions for maintaining the cinnamon scent.  After reading the directions over, I decided to give it a try.

The directions said to hold the broom over a pot of boiling water, in order for the steam to refresh the cinnamon smell.  So without any worries at all, I proceeded to the kitchen to steam the broom.  I was so excited, because I love the scent of cinnamon, and I knew my mother would be pleasantly surprised when she returned.  I hadn’t counted on what would happen next.

Continued here.

Owl City – Vanilla Twilight

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
‘Cause I’ll doze off safe and soundly
But I’ll miss your arms around me
I’d send a postcard to you, dear
‘Cause I wish you were here

I’ll watch the night turn light blue
But it’s not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn’t so bad
‘Til I look at my hands and feel sad
‘Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I’ll find repose in new ways
Though I haven’t slept in two days
‘Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I’ll sit on the front porch all night
Waist deep in thought because when
I think of you I don’t feel so alone

I don’t feel so alone
I don’t feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I’ll think of you tonight

I’ll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I’ll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I’ll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won’t forget you
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past
I’d whisper in your ear,
“Oh darling I wish you were here”

New Series… Tales of the Dark Side – (Part 1, Childhood Pranks)

Yes, I was the bratty older sister, and anyone who has known me long enough, realizes just how naughty I can be.  Most of my friends and family members know, that if the opportunity arises for me to pull a good prank, I’m usually up for the challenge.  So let me take you back to my senior year in high school…

I had a brother who was an annoying twerp.  Being he was eleven years younger than me, I loathed his presence most days; and since he was much younger, he sort of put a crimp in my bleached blond style.  Especially on one particular day, I remember it well…

I had just gotten home from shopping with my super cool boyfriend, Eddie Spaghetti.  I know… some nickname, but it’s what his sister called him, so it was a name that stuck.  Anyway, Eddie dropped me off at my door, and I went inside wearing my brand new suede jacket.  I had been saving my money from an after school job for months, and even though the jacket was a size too big, I had bought it anyway.  It was exactly what I felt I needed, to properly fit in at school.

I headed for the kitchen, starved from not eating all day, and saw my brother standing there holding a can of coke.  I sauntered over to him, showing off my new look, and said very casually, “What do you think of my new suede jacket?  It only cost me $300.”  Well, that did it, my brother had just taken a huge swig of soda, and he immediately started choking.

Coke began spurting uncontrollably out of his nose and then shot straight out from his mouth, spraying ruthlessly in my direction.  By the end of his choking fit, (yes, you guessed it) I was completely covered in a thick layer of coke spittle.  Or should I say, my new $300 jacket was covered.  My brother immediately started laughing and pointing his finger at me, and in his taunting young voice, he said, “Ha ha… I ruined your new jacket…”

I stood there in shock, trying to absorb what had just happened, and then I suddenly lost all control.  All I knew in that moment, was that my brother needed to be taken down, strangled, and left for dead.  Well, as I was in the process of choking the living hell out of my angelic little brother, my mother happened to show up.

Having just gotten home, she didn’t seem very happy with what she had walked into.  As expected, I got the full ass chewing, about a million crude words hissed at me, and booted into my room where I was grounded for the rest of the day.  I still wanted to kill my brother, but knew I’d never be able to get away with it.  Then the idea of revenge began to seep into my mind.

 

To be continued… here


The Daily Post prompt – Not Lemonade