“If we could change our past, we would have to give up our future.” ~M
Photo credit: pixabay.com
Photo credit: pixabay.com
Photo credit: pixabay.com
At the age of 19, I enlisted in the Army. By the time I finally got shipped out, I was 20 years old and ready for the adventure of a lifetime. After finishing boot camp and AIT (Advanced Individual Training), I decided it was time to go back home and visit my parents. I’d like to say I was a bit smarter and wiser at that point, but as you’ll soon see, I was still really naïve.
I was fairly happy to be home again. It had been two years since my mother had dared me to leave, and of course, I had been all too eager to accept her offer. On this particular day, my parents left to go shopping and so I decided to tidy up a bit and surprise my mother like old times. I began cleaning and scrubbing the entire house from top to bottom, and when I was finished, I wondered if there was anything else I could do to improve the place.
I noticed a cinnamon scented spice broom over by the hearth and remembered that I had sent it to my mother for Christmas. I picked it up to see if it still smelled as good as I’d remembered, and was somewhat disappointed that the scent had mostly faded. Around the top of the broom handle, was a small tag; and I was happy to see that it actually provided directions for maintaining the cinnamon scent. After reading the directions over, I decided to give it a try.
The directions said to hold the broom over a pot of boiling water, in order for the steam to refresh the cinnamon smell. So without any worries at all, I proceeded to the kitchen to steam the broom. I was so excited, because I love the scent of cinnamon, and I knew my mother would be pleasantly surprised when she returned. I hadn’t counted on what would happen next.
The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
‘Cause I’ll doze off safe and soundly
But I’ll miss your arms around me
I’d send a postcard to you, dear
‘Cause I wish you were here
I’ll watch the night turn light blue
But it’s not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn’t so bad
‘Til I look at my hands and feel sad
‘Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly
I’ll find repose in new ways
Though I haven’t slept in two days
‘Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I’ll sit on the front porch all night
Waist deep in thought because when
I think of you I don’t feel so alone
I don’t feel so alone
I don’t feel so alone
As many times as I blink
I’ll think of you tonight
I’ll think of you tonight
When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I’ll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I’ll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won’t forget you
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past
I’d whisper in your ear,
“Oh darling I wish you were here”
Yes, I was the bratty older sister, and anyone who has known me long enough, realizes just how naughty I can be. Most of my friends and family members know, that if the opportunity arises for me to pull a good prank, I’m usually up for the challenge. So let me take you back to my senior year in high school…
I had a brother who was an annoying twerp. Being he was eleven years younger than me, I loathed his presence most days; and since he was much younger, he sort of put a crimp in my bleached blond style. Especially on one particular day, I remember it well…
I had just gotten home from shopping with my super cool boyfriend, Eddie Spaghetti. I know… some nickname, but it’s what his sister called him, so it was a name that stuck. Anyway, Eddie dropped me off at my door, and I went inside wearing my brand new suede jacket. I had been saving my money from an after school job for months, and even though the jacket was a size too big, I had bought it anyway. It was exactly what I felt I needed, to properly fit in at school.
I headed for the kitchen, starved from not eating all day, and saw my brother standing there holding a can of coke. I sauntered over to him, showing off my new look, and said very casually, “What do you think of my new suede jacket? It only cost me $300.” Well, that did it, my brother had just taken a huge swig of soda, and he immediately started choking.
Coke began spurting uncontrollably out of his nose and then shot straight out from his mouth, spraying ruthlessly in my direction. By the end of his choking fit, (yes, you guessed it) I was completely covered in a thick layer of coke spittle. Or should I say, my new $300 jacket was covered. My brother immediately started laughing and pointing his finger at me, and in his taunting young voice, he said, “Ha ha… I ruined your new jacket…”
I stood there in shock, trying to absorb what had just happened, and then I suddenly lost all control. All I knew in that moment, was that my brother needed to be taken down, strangled, and left for dead. Well, as I was in the process of choking the living hell out of my angelic little brother, my mother happened to show up.
Having just gotten home, she didn’t seem very happy with what she had walked into. As expected, I got the full ass chewing, about a million crude words hissed at me, and booted into my room where I was grounded for the rest of the day. I still wanted to kill my brother, but knew I’d never be able to get away with it. Then the idea of revenge began to seep into my mind.
To be continued… here
The Daily Post prompt – Not Lemonade
For the last two years now, I have been very unsure about the future of my marriage. The past sort of caught up with my husband and the present sort of caught up with me. Needless to say, we were both at fault in different ways. About four months ago, I had finally gotten to the point where I decided I was tired of trying. In my mind, I just sort of gave up and decided it was time to figure out plan B. I started picturing my life without him. Wondering what I would do apart from him and where I would go. We still have two children at home, so that was of course another concern of mine. What would happen to them if we split up, how would we work it all out? And yet I could never actually see us getting to the point of divorce. I really couldn’t even fathom the idea of such a drastic decision.
After admitting to my husband that I didn’t think I could continue on the way things were, he in turn seemed to agree. And yet divorce was the furthest thing from his mind. His immediate response was to somehow fix what was broken in our marriage and strengthen the parts which looked salvageable. For four months now, he has been trying very hard to turn things around. I have to admit, I haven’t made things easy. I have fought him every bit of the way, by not really believing any of what he’s been saying. After years of empty promises, I didn’t want to allow myself to be tricked again.
His first response was to begin by writing me poetry; which is something he had never done in his entire life. I remember reading the words he wrote during those first few months and thinking to myself… “He can’t really mean any of this.” I thought… “This is just another one of his schemes to make me believe him, but it’s not going to last.” Over the years he would say he would try harder, but there was never any long lasting changes to support his efforts. It was mostly just cheap talk and I knew I didn’t want to fall for that again. I was finally ready to move on and I didn’t want to get sucked back into a life of false hopes.
Well it’s been four months now since he’s started blogging. And I think the turning point for me was when he wrote this… Heart of Sadness. Since then, I have begun to believe that he is truly being sincere. He finally seems to understand and acknowledge how I’ve been feeling. We tell each other everything, but I had often wondered if he was really hearing me. I wasn’t sure if he understood that I didn’t feel the same kind of love for him anymore. I wondered if he could live with that fact, or if it would ultimately destroy our marriage. Yet the more we talked, the more I knew he understood, and he told me very sweetly that he just wanted me to be happy.
I suppose because he isn’t demanding my love, I am slowly finding my way back to him. We have been making immense progress, and I am finally accepting that he really is changing for the better. I’m starting to believe him when he tells me he loves me, and I’m hopeful once more that we can make our marriage work. We will be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary on the 5th of February and I’m excited to get away for a few days and just have some time alone with him. We’ve literally spent half our lives together now, and both of us know that we can’t just throw all of that away. I honestly just can’t picture my life without him, and I hope I never can.
So to my husband… aka, SW. I have hope that we will make it, TTF…… ❤️ Love always, ~Me
Happy New Year!
Leaving behind 2016 is a welcome relief for me. I would say it was probably one of the worst years of my life, and yet in the midst of the ugliness of it all, there were countless blessings that came out of it. So looking back, I wouldn’t want 2016 to go any differently than it did. I realize the pain and heartache had to come, in order for the renewal and blessings to be fulfilled.
I suffered severe depression over the past year, and tried to hide it from my family and friends. I prayed countless times that God would take me from this world and allow me to escape the suffering which I felt I could no longer face. I ended up with what doctors thought was perhaps a cancerous tumor. I thought this is it, this is what I prayed for, and this is how I will die.
Then reality hit me and I thought to myself, what have I been doing? Why have I been praying to leave my family who obviously needs me right now? My girls had both announced that they were getting married, and my two youngest were still being home schooled by me. I felt so selfish and such guilt for asking for such a terrible thing. I knew I deserved whatever happened to me at that point, and I believe I still do depending on what happens in the future.
For now, my doctors believe that I am fine. The results of all of my tests look good. I am supposed to go back this February to have all of the tests repeated to confirm everything is still good. I am at the point where I don’t even want to have those tests repeated. I feel good and I just don’t see the need to go through everything again. I have yet to decide what I will do.
While going through the cancer scare, I felt like I was going through it alone. I didn’t feel the comfort and love from my husband that I really needed, and because of that, I ended up resenting him even more than I already did. We had been through so much the year prior and nothing had been resolved. I thought here’s the time I need you most, and you still aren’t here for me. I felt like nobody was really there. Yes, I was having my own little pity party, even though I had prayed for it to happen. I wonder why we do these things to ourselves. I look back and shake my head; because realistically, I only had myself to blame.
I think I spent most of 2016, just trying to figure out how to change my frame of mind. I was tired of being unhappy, tired of being in a marriage where I didn’t feel loved, tired of not having any real friends, and mostly tired of feeling lonely. I tried to relay how I was feeling to my husband on countless occasions, but it didn’t really sink in until September, when he found a poem I had written about how I didn’t love him anymore. It was then that things began to change.
Finally, all of the words that I had been saying, all of the tears I had been crying, and all of the resentment that I had toward him, became apparent to him. It was at that point, that I knew I couldn’t stay any longer. I was ready to leave, and I was fully prepared for him to let me. What I was not prepared for, was what happened next. Instead of pushing me away after I spilled my heart out to him and confessed all of the terrible things I had been doing because I had been so lonely; my husband did quite the opposite, he forgave me… it was instantaneous.
He forgave me and vowed to be a better husband to me. He blamed himself for the things that I had done to him, and said it was his fault for not being there for me. He apologized over and over and begged me to stay. He broke down and cried and told me that he would change. I sat there in complete disbelief. I wondered why he would want to stay with me now and wondered where his motivation was coming from. I thought maybe he just didn’t want to lose me because I’m good at things, like cooking and cleaning, and taking care of the kids. He hadn’t seemed to want much to do with me before I confessed how terrible I had been to him, so why would he want me now?
I’ve spent the last four months, wondering if his love for me is really real. I’ve been confused about his true intentions and why he would take me back now, after I confided in him that my heart was someplace else. He has spent the last four months reminding me every single day, of how much he loves me and how much he wants me back. I have been resistant at times. Hesitant to believe what he is really saying, and wondering if it will last. Somedays I feel convinced that he really does mean what he’s saying and somedays I still have my doubts.
I thought I had forgiven him for the things he had done to me and some things that affected our daughters. But apparently I was wrong. I had never really forgiven him, and because of this, I just couldn’t accept his love when he was finally ready to express it to me. I am still struggling, but really wanting to work things out. I suppose I never really stopped loving him, but I hated the man that he had become. Now I am left with a completely different person. Somebody whom I hardly even recognize. I keep thinking that I will wake up one day and this whole new him will be nothing but a passing dream. I want so much to accept what he is telling me each and every day. I want to love him and I know I can’t live without having somebody by my side. Love is the most important thing to me in life.
So now that 2017 is here, I have decided to take the advice of one of my dear friends, and jump back in with both feet. I want to try and mend what has been broken, and hopefully be able to fully let go of the past hurts and regain the love for my husband that he deserves. We have all made terrible mistakes in life. I need to finally forgive him the way God already has. My own daughter even told me before she got married this year, she said to me… “Mom, Dad really loves you and he isn’t the same man he used to be. He is a good father to us girls and he needs you. So please forgive him and leave the past behind.” Her words have haunted me since that very day, and I know I need to take her advice and leave the past behind.
The enemy has already tried to discourage me from doing that. Even in the last couple of days, there have been things that have occurred, which have been reminders of the pain which I am so desperately trying to forget. I know I can’t let that happen, and I pray that God will just be my protector and keep me from the things which I’ve faced over the last couple of years. I know the only way I will sort everything out, is with his mercy and love covering me in every single aspect of my life.
I feel so blessed to have two daughters, who have both married within the last two months, and I am really looking forward to this new year and all that the Lord has in store for me and my family. Despite the many tears and frustrations, I have much to be thankful for. I believe that no matter what we are facing, there are still so many things that we can be grateful for in our lives. We just have to look at the complete picture and consider the glass half full instead of half empty. Many blessings to all of you for the coming year. It’s a time to start anew and find the happiness that awaits each and every one of us!
Today I was reading over some of my favorite passages in scripture and came across Paul’s reminder; “Forget what lies behind and reach forward to what lies ahead.” These scripture verses in Philippians 3:12-16, really spoke to me today and gave me the encouraging words I needed. I hope by reading these words, you will be encouraged as well.
I also came across a related devotional over at: The Hill House
The devotional can be found here – Philippians 3:12-16 devotional
12 Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on [a]so that I may lay hold of that [b]for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. 13 Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let us therefore, as many as are [c]perfect, have this attitude; and if in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you; 16 however, let us keep [d]living by that same standard to which we have attained.
Hope everyone has a blessed Sunday! ~M
Photo found at: pinterest.com
Quoted scripture found at: BibleGateway