As I was heading out from dropping my daughter off at church tonight for Awana, someone stopped me to tell me how well-behaved my daughter always is. It’s so good to hear that your child is well liked by others and acting appropriately when they are away from you. And honestly, I am not surprised by the comment that was made. My daughter Autumn is 8 years old, and one of the happiest children that I have ever met.
She is always smiling, and loves to surround herself with people. It makes it very hard to home school her at times, for I fear that she isn’t getting the social interaction that she requires. And yet by being home schooled, I think it has helped her to stay so well adjusted. She doesn’t have to deal with the kids on the playground calling her names and she doesn’t have to worry about fitting in. She is so happy here at home, that I often wonder what a public school might do to her sweet spirit.
I myself, grew up going to a public school, and I learned from an early age to be very wary of the kids around me. Most of my classmates were affiliated with different gangs in the area, and most would insist that I choose a side. Weapons were routinely brought to school and passed around, which made me feel very unsafe and ill prepared for whatever situation I might be forced into. I felt like an outsider most of the time, since I was one of the few Caucasian girls in my class. It made such a difference, because so often I couldn’t speak their language, and so even if I had wanted to, I couldn’t interact with the majority of the kids around me.
I also grew up in a very poor area of town, and so even during the day, it was dangerous to walk the streets alone. My mother kept me very sheltered because of it, and I wasn’t allowed to do much of anything or go anywhere, because my mother feared what might happen to me if she let me out of her sight for even a minute.
Now that I have my own four girls, I don’t blame my mother for being so overprotective, but I do wish she had been a little less stringent, and perhaps allowed me a bit more freedom than she did. But who knows… by doing that, something terrible could have happened to me, and so I have to believe that she did the best she could, and her over protectiveness probably benefited me in ways, in which I will never fully understand.
On the way home tonight, I couldn’t stop thinking about the comment made about my daughter, and I began to wonder what life would have been like, had Autumn’s twin been born as well. I don’t bring it up very often, but I had a miscarriage early on in my pregnancy with her, and another miscarriage the year prior.
As I think back to that time in my life, I still feel so much grief over losing them. I often sit and wonder about each one; what their personalities would have been like, their potential likes and dislikes, how they would have looked, etc…. And I find myself daydreaming, about how different my life would be now, had they both been born.
It still breaks my heart, knowing that I will never be able to hold either one of them in my arms and rock them to sleep, or sing them a lullaby before tucking them into bed. And when I see my daughter Autumn’s bright smiling face, I just want to wrap my arms around her and never let her go. She is such an amazing blessing to me, as are my other three girls. So today, I just want to say how thankful I am, for the children I do have, and for the loving personalities of each one. I feel amazingly blessed.
Putting My Feet in the Dirt 