I wish I had a thousand years…

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“I wish I had a thousand years to keep telling you how much you mean to me… the rest of this life will have to do.” ~M


Photo credit: Pixabay.com

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I really loved my rose-colored glasses…

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I’ve kept silent for a long time because I wasn’t even sure what to say. And even now, I really have no idea how to articulate all that I’ve been wanting to share. The one thing I do know is that this year has been really hard; maybe even the most difficult year of my life. The thing is, I feel like I have nobody else to blame except myself. I’ve made some very stupid decisions, and I’ve been paying the price for a lot of them. And it’s interesting to me, at the age of 47, that I am still making such idiotic decisions. One thing I’ve realized is that I need to start trusting my gut more and not allow people to walk all over me. This entire year, I’ve been choosing to disregard things that I didn’t want to believe because it was just easier to look the other way. I thought it was better to ignore what was right in front of me, and give the people in my life unlimited opportunities to redeem themselves. But that way of thinking only backfired and has sort of destroyed the trusting side of me. I know now without a doubt that I have nobody else to blame except for myself because I chose to ignore the obvious, and accepted the consequences in doing so. But I’ve also learned that I can’t allow it to happen anymore, and even if it means further heartache, I have to continue to stand up for myself. I really loved my rose-colored glasses, and if I could wear them for the rest of my life, I would. But I’ve decided that those glasses have outgrown their usefulness. The world isn’t rosy at all, and I don’t know why I ever decided to pretend it was.


Photo credit: Pixabay.com

Reality check

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There are some amazing people in my life who I can’t forget because they are always there for me. Even so, life is still very hard sometimes, and it’s easy to feel like I deserve a better life than the one I have. Sometimes I even chase after things that aren’t good for me, and I end up causing myself so much heartache and pain. Slowly but surely though, I have been learning to let go of the things that aren’t meant to be, and to stop feeling as if I should have more. Over the past couple of years, especially, I have seen many people in my life come and go, and it has been extremely troublesome for me. I’ve often felt lonely, abandoned, and disappointed beyond words. And many times, just as I thought that God was answering my prayers, there were instances where my hopes were suddenly shattered, and I began to blame God for all of it. I realize now though that I’ve been looking beyond what is right in front of me every day. I’ve been disregarding the many blessings that I do have and wasting so much of my time chasing empty promises. So today, as I look back and think about how things have turned out; I’m looking at everything in a more positive light and feeling grateful for the life I’ve been given.

For them…

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The sudden silence is what gets to me most, every time he leaves.  Then my chest starts to tighten, and the tears begin to well up, and at that point, I know I’m done for.  There’s no holding back the flood of emotions no matter how hard I try.  I bury my face in my hands, trying so hard to hide the pain that’s gushing out through every inch of my being.

I can’t let anyone know how much this hurts, how lost I am, how much I don’t even want to do life anymore because I’m always feeling so alone.  Five minutes have passed, and I’m wiping the evidence away.  Putting on my brave soldier face once more, shrugging my shoulders and getting a grip just the way I’ve been taught.  I cannot cry, I can’t let anyone know that I’m weak, and I can’t ever confess to anyone that sometimes I’d rather be six feet under than endure another day alone.

There are little people counting on me, babies that need protecting, loved, and cared for.  And this is why I bury all of it, deep inside where nobody can see. If anyone ever found out what I was really thinking, what would they do?  What would they say?  So I fight through it, the let downs, the misery, the feelings of loneliness and despair.  And I put on a happy face because that makes everyone else feel better when I do that.  They need me to be happy, and I can’t let them down.  I’ve got to hold it together, for them…