Do you ever?

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Do you ever think of someone you used to know and wonder where all the time did go? ~M


Photo credit: Pixabay.com

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Where did my heart go?

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I feel like my heart isn’t in anything right now; I don’t want to do anything; I don’t want to go anywhere;  and least of all, I don’t want to socialize.  People are reaching out, trying to ask me if I’m ok, and to most, I can’t even respond.  I keep asking myself, “What kind of person am I?”  That I can’t even respond to a simple email, phone call, or text message.

I sort of feel like I’m floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean, and there is nothing for as far as the eye can see.  And I want to be here; out of reach of most anyone or anything.  I’m alone without a plan as to where I’m going, and I just don’t care.  I don’t want to do anything else, except for simply float peacefully along, and leave everything else behind.

I don’t think I’ve ever isolated myself as much as I am right now.  And there are times when I question why I’m doing this.  But I feel like I need it.  The quiet has been soothing to my soul.  I’m loving the peace of not having to talk to anyone, to explain myself, to share all the horrible ugly things that I’m so often dealing with.  I don’t want to talk about any of it because then it becomes real.  And I can’t deal with the reality of the things that I know I will eventually need to face.  I just don’t want to right now.

The funniest thing is, I start a social media communications class next week.  It’s a requirement for my major and one of the last general education classes that I still need.  40% of my grade will be the discussions I have with other students.  So much for being anti-social!  Lol.  At least I don’t have to talk about my personal life, but still…

Anyway, so here I am, floating along.  It’s rather calm at the moment, but that usually means there’s a storm brewing on the horizon.  And even though I can’t see it, I’m sort of securing myself to the raft right now; bracing myself for what’s to come.  I just hope the storm passes quickly if and when it finally does arrive.

Morning thoughts

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I woke up feeling better about things today. I think I’m starting to realize that I’m holding on to too much from my past. It’s hard though when you suddenly get a reminder of past wrongs. I can forget all the past hurts for a while, but then they seem to crop up again. A few weeks ago, I was triggered by a family member, and since then, I feel like I can’t move past what they did. And what they did, made me feel like I no longer matter to them. It feels like they’re trying to erase me from their life.

I’ve been trying to let it go, trying to rationalize why they did it. Some people just don’t even realize that they’ve hurt someone. I would like to think that they weren’t intentionally trying to hurt me, but in the back of my mind, I just can’t shake the feeling that they were. I’m at the point now, where I would rather not care one way or the other. But I do care because it’s someone I’ve known my whole life.

It’s been good for me to be off social media. I think it was the best idea I’ve ever had. There were so many reasons why I finally broke free of it, but I think one of the biggest reasons I left, was because I was constantly being reminded of how I don’t really fit into my families lives anymore. They all live so far away, and I’m no longer a part of all they do on a daily basis. It often causes me to resent my own husband, for leaving me secluded like I am, away from everyone. But then I wonder, am I better off anyway? Perhaps it’s saving me from all the drama that comes from family relationships. And I agreed to all of this, so I shouldn’t be blaming anyone for how I feel.  Maybe it’s just better it all turned out like this. I don’t really know for sure, and I doubt I ever will. So for now, I think I just need to let these thoughts go. I need to do a better job of trying to forget the past hurts. I just need to let it all go and try to get back to feeling like me again.

What? Can’t I just stay in hibernation?

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I’ve been pushing everyone in my life away.  I’ve always been like this, but over the past several years, the urge to be completely alone has gotten worse. The moment I feel like someone isn’t making an effort to be a part of my life, I start to pull away from them.  It’s a defense mechanism I’ve used all my life.  My parents were some of the very first people that I began to push away.  My mom and I had an especially strained relationship when I was growing up, and by the time I turned 18, I moved out and never looked back.  I wasn’t even done with high school at that point, but I was done feeling unwanted by her, and so I left.

This pattern has continued my entire life.  As soon as I feel like someone isn’t happy with me, or doesn’t want me, I pull away and just let them go.  It’s always seemed easier that way.  I like doing things for others, and I love giving as much as I possibly can to the people around me, but I don’t want to have to plead with someone to stay in my life and to want me around.  And I don’t feel like I have the energy to deal with all the drama that comes from complicated relationships anymore.  I guess that’s why I have a very limited number of close friends, and why I’m hesitant to get close to anybody else.

These are just the thoughts that are running through my mind at the moment.  I have a very good life, and plenty of people who I know love me and accept me, but right now, I just feel like pulling away from everyone.  I don’t want to leave myself open to anymore hurts.  I’ve had enough of it already, and so I feel like escaping the potential for more heartache by closing myself off and shutting down.  Anyway, I thought journaling would be a good thing for me right now, so I think I might start writing out my thoughts like this and posting them every now and then.  Since I don’t feel like being very social right now, I’ve closed the comments section.  I just need time alone; I think we all do once in a while.  Thanks for reading.  ~M xo