Tag Archives: struggles

Are you okay?

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I have to admit, when someone asks me if I’m fine or okay, I start to get a bit defensive.  I immediately begin to wonder if I’m starting to look weak or somehow flawed.  I’ll come up with any number of excuses to convince the person that I am completely okay and that they need not worry about me.  But 9 times out of 10, when somebody asks me this, I only go on the defensive because they are completely right.  I’m not always fine and somehow it seems they’ve noticed it.  I’m terrible at being able to hide my emotions and I’m drawn to people who are really good at reading them.  So with that combination, I am always sure to be found out.

Today, I was thinking all of this over and began to wonder why I am so set on having people believe that I’m okay, when in fact I’m actually not.  I think part of it stems from my upbringing.  I grew up in a home where I was taught to “suck it up and drive on.”  If I ever had a problem, I was told that it was inconsiderate to speak of it and burdensome for others to hear it.   I was told that there were plenty of other people who had worse problems, so my problems were not important enough to speak of.  I’m almost thinking this was a generational thing because I see a lot of people my age who were told the same thing.  We weren’t allowed to complain or voice our opinions like people are nowadays.  Everything was a certain way, and whether we liked it or not, that’s just the way it was.  We didn’t have many choices or options, we were just told to do what we were supposed to do, and not ask questions or complain.

I had my first and only panic attack when I was 18, and I still remember it like it was yesterday.  I had just started a new job, in a new state, and was living with my biological father for the first time.  I didn’t know anybody and barely even knew my dad.  I had no idea I was feeling anxious at the time because I had grown accustomed to the feeling of anxiety and usually just tried to brush it off as if nothing were wrong.  But for some reason, that day, my body wouldn’t cooperate with me just brushing off the anxious emotions which were welling up inside of me.  I was completely alone, facing the world for the first time on my own, and uncertainty and fear began to overwhelm me.

Well, that first day on the job only lasted about 20 minutes, before the anxiety attack started.  Everything began to turn different shades of gray and I could barely stand due to the sudden dizziness I felt.  All sound became muffled and it seemed like I had gone into a dark tunnel where sounds just echoed off the walls around me.  I could hear my breathing, which was raspy and strained, and the pounding of my heart, a sound I had never heard audibly, was now the only other sound I could hear.  I could no longer speak because I could no longer hear my own voice.  It was probably the scariest moment of my life, and I had no idea what was happening.

I remember somebody leading me to a storage room and making me sit down on some boxes.  I remember sitting there thinking that I might possibly be dying, but I had no idea what to do about it.  After being left there for what seemed like ages, finally, somebody came back for me and tried to ask me what was wrong.  I remember not being able to explain to them what was wrong and so eventually they seemed to give up and just drove me home and left me at my apartment.

I don’t remember how long I was back at my apartment before I was coherent enough to call my dad, but after he got home, I remember trying to explain to him what had happened.  Since I had never experienced something like that before, I couldn’t really explain what had happened to me.  Looking back, I think everyone at that store must have thought I was on drugs or something.  I never did end up going back to that place and I don’t think I ever contacted anyone to tell them that I wasn’t coming back.  It was years before I ever fully understood what had happened to me that day.  I haven’t had another panic attack since then and I really hope I never do.

I’ve since become a master at hiding my anxiety and rarely admit to anyone that I am often depressed.  The only time I really confide in anyone is after my feelings of anxiety have subsided.  I feel like it’s safer for me to talk about it then after the suicidal thoughts have left me, and when I can control my emotions better.  I always have this fear that if I actually tell someone how I’m really feeling that they will lock me away somewhere, for fear that I may otherwise harm myself.

I’ve seen my own daughter end up in a mental hospital and so I know what they are like.  The place she stayed at did her absolutely no good and actually made her mental state worse.  She became like a prisoner while she was there and we had no say in anything that happened to her.  The psychiatrist there told my husband and me that he had complete control of our underage daughter and that he wouldn’t release her until he wanted to.  I wouldn’t wish a place like that on my worst enemy and it breaks my heart every time I think of my daughter having to have been there.

It all started out with our family physician insisting that we take her there, and once we did, we lost all parental rights and were only allowed to visit her for about an hour each day.  We drove the two hours there and back every day, all in order to be able to at least see her and tell her how much we loved her.  But I would never allow it again for any of my family members, no matter what the situation, and I certainly never want to end up in a place like that myself.  So even though I struggle with anxiety and depression, I do so without medication, without therapy, and without any sort of outside help.  I “suck it up and drive on.”  It’s the way I was taught and the way I’ll forever remain.


Photo credit: pixabay.com

#MidnightMadness – 4/25/2017

I was having a conversation with my 15 yr. old daughter, about how everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses.  We came to the conclusion, that we must accept the simple fact, that we can’t possibly do everything.

My daughter had to add this…

 

Brianna – “Hey mom, even Jesus can’t do everything…”

Me – “What do you mean sweetie?”

Brianna – Well, he can’t sin!”

Me – “Oh, good point!”  Lol…

#weekendcoffeeshare – A Place of Acceptance

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How is everyone today on this brisk March morning?  I filled up on Irish coffee last night in celebration of St. Patrick’s Day, so the coffee this morning seems a bit boring and bland in comparison.  Hold on… there we go.  A bit of whipped cream should do the trick!  Ahh…. Perfection!  And in my favorite mug too!  So good…

Alright now, are you ready for the scoop on this week?  Well, if we were having coffee, I’d tell you that after all the soul-searching I’ve been doing in recent days, I think I’ve finally come to a place of acceptance.

Can I get a Hallelujah and a Praise the Lord!?!  Thank you… 😉

Anyway, I’ve started to resolve many of the things I’ve been struggling with. I feel stronger this week, happier than I’ve been in a long time.  There’s finally a sense of peace that has come over me, and I feel determined to be content where I’m at and enjoy the life I have.

Don’t get me wrong, though, coming to terms with everything hasn’t been easy.  I’ve done a lot of praying over the last few months, and questioned God about so many things.  I wanted him to reveal to me why he had allowed some of the recent things in my life to happen, and he has been answering me in ways which I never expected.

One thing I’ve realized is that I’ve been focusing way too much on how others make me feel, and not enough on finding my own happiness within myself.  So to combat this problem, I’ve been giving myself more time alone to do the things which make me happy.

One thing I’ve done which is still working for me has been to stick with a writing schedule.  I’ve been able to push myself farther than I ever thought possible.  Last week I decided to check out Grammarly online, to see if it would be helpful.  At the end of the week, I received a report stating that I had edited 15,000 words for the week.  I really had no idea how much I had actually been writing and I was completely surprised by the word count.

I think the reason I’m able to get so much done, is that I’ve stopped making excuses, and I’m writing for myself; not anyone else.  I’ve gone back to the basic principle which I began with two years ago.  I am writing whatever I want to, regardless of what others will think.  And yes, that does feel a little bit selfish, but I’m tired of having to worry about stepping on somebody’s toes or perhaps offending someone who may have issues with the content of my writing.

This blog started out as a way for me to spill my heart out on a page and resolve things I was struggling with.  I want my blog to always be that way for me and I’ve been holding back at times.  I was worrying too much about what others would think and I seriously wondered if I would be misunderstood.

After much deliberation, I have begun posting some of my older poems from a blog that never seemed to go anywhere.  I have quite a few poems left to carry over, and although they don’t relate to my current situation in life, they were things I struggled through, and I know others will be able to relate to them.  So I feel they are worth posting, and it also gives me a bit of a reprieve on days when I don’t want to write something new.

I don’t think I mentioned it last week, but I finally submitted one of my poems for publication in a magazine.  One which is just about to release its very first issue.  The release date is scheduled for April 20th and I’m excited to find out if my poem will be chosen.  There’s just something about finally seeing my work published on good old-fashioned paper, which really excites me.  I can only hope it will actually happen this time!

I also realized that I’ve made it to the halfway mark in editing my Revelations of the Past series.  If you’re interested in reading it, here’s the link to the series.  I release new chapters twice a week; usually on Wednesdays and Sundays.  If you like historical fiction, then please check it out!  My subscribers are dwindling, so please come and read.  I would really appreciate your support.

Well, enough about me and my week.  What about you and your week.  Anything new and exciting to share?  If so, please leave me a comment and tell me what you’ve been up to.  I love my blogging family and I’m so grateful I found the weekend coffee share.  It’s been a great way to make new friends and I’m really enjoying our time together.  Have a wonderful week!  ~M

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Many thanks to Nerd In The Brain for hosting the #WeekendCoffeeShare, a collective of chats over digital coffee among bloggers. To find out more, and to see this weeks posts, go here.


Photo credit: pixabay.com and giphy.com

 

Heart issues…

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Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit Copper Falls State Park, in northern Wisconsin.  Hubby and I have been having quite a rough patch lately and so we decided that we really needed a day away to just enjoy the beauty of God’s wonderful creation.  Whenever we’re feeling far away from each other, we are usually feeling very much apart from God as well, and it always seems the closer we get to God, the closer we get to each other.

It’s been a very tough year for us and I have been searching for answers to try and sort things out for both of us.  It’s hard to admit it, but I really feel like we have drifted apart in a way that makes it very difficult to reconnect.  I would say outwardly, we look like the perfect couple.  We never fight or argue, we have fun together, we laugh, we are still very intimate, and we generally like to spend time with each other.  I know most people would be saying at this point, well than what’s the problem?

The problem seems to be a heart issue with me.  I love this man of mine dearly, but I don’t feel that I am in-love with him.  I find myself so often wishing that I could change the way I feel about him, but the more I try, the more hopeless I become.  Can I stay married to somebody that I am not in-love with?  I would say absolutely yes.  I have lived this way for so long now, feeling this way about him, and so it has become routine for me.  I don’t believe in divorce and I know that life isn’t always greener on the other side anyway.  So I feel I just need to go along with who I chose to be with, who I made lifelong vows to, and just accept the fact that there is one significant piece missing, and hope I will someday find that missing piece within our relationship.

We have a very unique relationship in that he knows my deepest darkest secrets, and I know his as well.  Knowing those things is very hard and not always easy to understand, and yet we both accept each other for who we are and try to move forward every day.  Neither one of us has ever wanted to give up on the other, and he has really been patient with me lately, just wanting me to find happiness, even if it isn’t with him.  And so we continue on, hoping that the future will bring clarity to both of us.  Life isn’t always easy, but I believe I am blessed in a million amazing ways and I never want to take those blessings for granted.

Twenty- five things I’ve learned over the past year…

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With the New Year approaching, I got to thinking about the things that I have learned over this last year. Here’s a few of them I thought I’d share…

 

Twenty- five things I’ve learned over the past year…

1.) To love others as if it’s my last chance.

2.) Not to over burden people with my struggles.

3.) To guard my heart; because once a piece is lost, you can never get it back.

4.) To let go of things I can’t change.

5.) That the grass is never greener on the other side.

6.) To choose my battles carefully.

7.) Not to joke with serious people.

8.) To love God above all else.

9.) That age doesn’t have anything to do with maturity.

10.) To never think that something can’t happen to me.

11.) That true happiness is achieved when you live each day as if it’s your last.

12.) That doing what I love, is more important than making sure my house is clean.

13.) That each new day brings a whole new load of challenges with it.

14.) That children emulate their parents to exact proportions.

15.) That music can help mend a broken heart.

16.) That finding our passions in life and living them out, brings about true happiness.

17.) That cell phones have killed real communication.

18.) That laughing every day helps more than prescription drugs.

19.) To spend as much time with my kids as I can, before they move out on their own.

20.) Not to be afraid to be the one who loves the most.

21.) That hugging should be required at least three times a day and at our house we have morning, noon, and nighttime hugs. (My daughter invented this rule and she never misses a moment to remind me of this.)

22.) To always keep Kleenex within arm’s reach for all kinds of situations.

23.) To take every opportunity that is set before me and run with it.

24.) That coffee always tastes better when you’re on a coffee date with a friend.

25.) That nobody will ever agree with everything you say and that’s quite okay.

How about you?  What have you learned over this past year or over the course of your lifetime…

 

Photo credit:  livingrichwithcoupons.com