“It’s okay to fail sometimes, just as long as we never give up.” ~M
Photo credit: Pixabay.com
Photo credit: Pixabay.com
I feel like my heart isn’t in anything right now; I don’t want to do anything; I don’t want to go anywhere; and least of all, I don’t want to socialize. People are reaching out, trying to ask me if I’m ok, and to most, I can’t even respond. I keep asking myself, “What kind of person am I?” That I can’t even respond to a simple email, phone call, or text message.
I sort of feel like I’m floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean, and there is nothing for as far as the eye can see. And I want to be here; out of reach of most anyone or anything. I’m alone without a plan as to where I’m going, and I just don’t care. I don’t want to do anything else, except for simply float peacefully along, and leave everything else behind.
I don’t think I’ve ever isolated myself as much as I am right now. And there are times when I question why I’m doing this. But I feel like I need it. The quiet has been soothing to my soul. I’m loving the peace of not having to talk to anyone, to explain myself, to share all the horrible ugly things that I’m so often dealing with. I don’t want to talk about any of it because then it becomes real. And I can’t deal with the reality of the things that I know I will eventually need to face. I just don’t want to right now.
The funniest thing is, I start a social media communications class next week. It’s a requirement for my major and one of the last general education classes that I still need. 40% of my grade will be the discussions I have with other students. So much for being anti-social! Lol. At least I don’t have to talk about my personal life, but still…
Anyway, so here I am, floating along. It’s rather calm at the moment, but that usually means there’s a storm brewing on the horizon. And even though I can’t see it, I’m sort of securing myself to the raft right now; bracing myself for what’s to come. I just hope the storm passes quickly if and when it finally does arrive.
At the beginning of this year, I finally decided that I couldn’t keep going like I was, and so I asked my doctor to put me on anti-depressants. I’d gone all 46 years of my life without them and felt weak for having to ask for them. I have always tried to do everything on my own, and even to this day, I hate asking for help. My anger is what usually fuels my motivation when I’m left having to do something that seems overwhelmingly hard. And rather than ask for help, I usually just use all that built up negative energy and say a slew of cuss words to complete those difficult tasks.
I think this incessant need to do everything on my own, comes from the way I was raised. I was always made to feel guilty when asking for anything as a child. I would get reprimanded when even asking for the simplest of things. And so I learned how to do most everything on my own. This way of being raised had its benefits in many ways. I think I am a much more self-sufficient person because of it and I never give up on anything.
I think if I had to choose one word to describe me, it would be “determined.” But sometimes, I feel like I just want someone else to take care of me for a change. I would love to have someone there to help me, without me even having to ask. To say to me, “That’s enough; you’ve done plenty; let me help you.” And I want to feel like I can say yes to that, and accept their help.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to change. I’m getting older and more set in my ways. I’m just plain stubborn most of the time, and my girls would agree. They see how irritated I get and how I try not to ask for help. It usually takes breaking something, for me to finally give in and let them help me. Usually, it’s me that gets broken because of the stupid things I try to do without help. And of course, it doesn’t seem to stop me the very next time, from repeating the same act of stupidity. I guess that’s what stubborn people do. We’re a glutton for punishment.
I just ended the anti-depressants yesterday. They seemed to help at first, but then after several weeks, I started feeling anxious all the time, extremely restless, and shaky. My doctor slowly decreased my dose over the last week, and I do feel more like my old self again. I have mixed emotions though. I really did feel better for about the first three weeks, and I’m trying to figure out why I started to feel so bad the longer that I took them.
I still feel like I need to do something to control what I believe to be depression, but I’m not sure what to do to help myself. I think journaling is the best thing that I can continue to do for now. At least until I find a better way to help myself. I’d love to have someone to talk to. Everyone always talks about having a therapist, but I have never had one. I suppose that’s a luxury that I will never have. If my insurance covered that sort of thing, I would see a therapist in a heartbeat, but unfortunately, it doesn’t, and so I have to keep on sorting things out for myself. Anyway, I feel like I’m starting to ramble, so I’ll end this for today. Thanks for reading. ~M
I woke up feeling better about things today. I think I’m starting to realize that I’m holding on to too much from my past. It’s hard though when you suddenly get a reminder of past wrongs. I can forget all the past hurts for a while, but then they seem to crop up again. A few weeks ago, I was triggered by a family member, and since then, I feel like I can’t move past what they did. And what they did, made me feel like I no longer matter to them. It feels like they’re trying to erase me from their life.
I’ve been trying to let it go, trying to rationalize why they did it. Some people just don’t even realize that they’ve hurt someone. I would like to think that they weren’t intentionally trying to hurt me, but in the back of my mind, I just can’t shake the feeling that they were. I’m at the point now, where I would rather not care one way or the other. But I do care because it’s someone I’ve known my whole life.
It’s been good for me to be off social media. I think it was the best idea I’ve ever had. There were so many reasons why I finally broke free of it, but I think one of the biggest reasons I left, was because I was constantly being reminded of how I don’t really fit into my families lives anymore. They all live so far away, and I’m no longer a part of all they do on a daily basis. It often causes me to resent my own husband, for leaving me secluded like I am, away from everyone. But then I wonder, am I better off anyway? Perhaps it’s saving me from all the drama that comes from family relationships. And I agreed to all of this, so I shouldn’t be blaming anyone for how I feel. Maybe it’s just better it all turned out like this. I don’t really know for sure, and I doubt I ever will. So for now, I think I just need to let these thoughts go. I need to do a better job of trying to forget the past hurts. I just need to let it all go and try to get back to feeling like me again.
I’ve been pushing everyone in my life away. I’ve always been like this, but over the past several years, the urge to be completely alone has gotten worse. The moment I feel like someone isn’t making an effort to be a part of my life, I start to pull away from them. It’s a defense mechanism I’ve used all my life. My parents were some of the very first people that I began to push away. My mom and I had an especially strained relationship when I was growing up, and by the time I turned 18, I moved out and never looked back. I wasn’t even done with high school at that point, but I was done feeling unwanted by her, and so I left.
This pattern has continued my entire life. As soon as I feel like someone isn’t happy with me, or doesn’t want me, I pull away and just let them go. It’s always seemed easier that way. I like doing things for others, and I love giving as much as I possibly can to the people around me, but I don’t want to have to plead with someone to stay in my life and to want me around. And I don’t feel like I have the energy to deal with all the drama that comes from complicated relationships anymore. I guess that’s why I have a very limited number of close friends, and why I’m hesitant to get close to anybody else.
These are just the thoughts that are running through my mind at the moment. I have a very good life, and plenty of people who I know love me and accept me, but right now, I just feel like pulling away from everyone. I don’t want to leave myself open to anymore hurts. I’ve had enough of it already, and so I feel like escaping the potential for more heartache by closing myself off and shutting down. Anyway, I thought journaling would be a good thing for me right now, so I think I might start writing out my thoughts like this and posting them every now and then. Since I don’t feel like being very social right now, I’ve closed the comments section. I just need time alone; I think we all do once in a while. Thanks for reading. ~M xo
Good morning all my fellow blogging friends,
I hope you’ve all been doing well and I’m excited to be able to bring you another month of writing inspiration. Hopefully March brings warmer weather, and much needed encouragement to those of us who go dormant, and end up hibernating during the winter months. I desperately need some sunshine! Here’s to hoping we all see some soon! ~M xoxo
1. A new fallen snow
2. The last link
3. Panicky and peculiar
4. Sorry, my cat fell off the cupboard
5. Delirious intentions
6. Viable creations
7. Self-centered situations
8. The boy without a name
9. Pandemonium of a new kind
10. Bristly, yet sensible
11. Fact or fiction
12. Swimming through raspberry jello
13. Stranded in Burma
14. Foolish incantations
15. Springtime splendor
16. Invincible endeavors
17. Douglas O’Malley
18. Burping and bellyflops
19. Silver sand
20. The kissing curse
21. Rocket launching ladies
22. The hipster hygienist
23. Nicked nails
24. Creator of days
25. Dimly lit distractions
26. A moose on the loose
27. Squinting through sky blue
28. The widow’s web
29. Partly paisley
30. Suffocated in sinopia
31. Unreplenished urges
If you’re new to prompt writing, and don’t really understand how to use the prompts, please consider the following writing exercise.
Settle into your favorite place in the house with a hot drink to warm your waking bones. Once you’ve warmed up a bit; grab your journal, a trusty pen, and a timer. Then, set your timer for ten minutes and begin writing about one of the prompts. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, neatness, or anything like that; just write! Write about anything and everything that comes to your mind, and don’t stop until the ten minutes are up.
I often find myself writing short stories or poems during those ten minutes, but you can write about anything you like. And don’t be alarmed if what you’ve written doesn’t quite make sense. The whole idea behind doing this exercise is to get your mind ready and working so that you can begin your day. Just think of it as exercise for your brain, and once you’ve done your ten minutes of writing, you’ll feel more prepared to tackle the rest of your day.
As always, I will be writing and posting over on my other blog, which can be found here. So please come visit me if you get a chance, and hopefully I can keep up with all of you!
And one last thing before I forget! I made a quick tutorial for those of you who have been having trouble trying to figure out how to Pingback your posts. Please go here, if you’d like to view the tutorial. 😉