“Life is often full of
crustfallen crestfallen moments, so eat more pizza, but be prepared for heartburn.” ~M
Photo credit: Pixabay.com
Photo credit: Pixabay.com
I’ve been pushing everyone in my life away. I’ve always been like this, but over the past several years, the urge to be completely alone has gotten worse. The moment I feel like someone isn’t making an effort to be a part of my life, I start to pull away from them. It’s a defense mechanism I’ve used all my life. My parents were some of the very first people that I began to push away. My mom and I had an especially strained relationship when I was growing up, and by the time I turned 18, I moved out and never looked back. I wasn’t even done with high school at that point, but I was done feeling unwanted by her, and so I left.
This pattern has continued my entire life. As soon as I feel like someone isn’t happy with me, or doesn’t want me, I pull away and just let them go. It’s always seemed easier that way. I like doing things for others, and I love giving as much as I possibly can to the people around me, but I don’t want to have to plead with someone to stay in my life and to want me around. And I don’t feel like I have the energy to deal with all the drama that comes from complicated relationships anymore. I guess that’s why I have a very limited number of close friends, and why I’m hesitant to get close to anybody else.
These are just the thoughts that are running through my mind at the moment. I have a very good life, and plenty of people who I know love me and accept me, but right now, I just feel like pulling away from everyone. I don’t want to leave myself open to anymore hurts. I’ve had enough of it already, and so I feel like escaping the potential for more heartache by closing myself off and shutting down. Anyway, I thought journaling would be a good thing for me right now, so I think I might start writing out my thoughts like this and posting them every now and then. Since I don’t feel like being very social right now, I’ve closed the comments section. I just need time alone; I think we all do once in a while. Thanks for reading. ~M xo
Photo credit: Pixabay.com
Photo credit: pixabay.com
Photo credit: pixabay.com
Just taking one last look around the room to make sure that I haven’t forgotten anything. It’s with a heavy heart that I leave this glorious place. Being a princess for a day was so much fun. A last long look out of the tower window will have to tide me over until the next thrilling moment occurs. With a sigh, I am determined to have another grand adventure, even though this one here at the Luxor is now ending.
Brian and I pile into the elevator with our mounds of luggage. Watchful eyes scrutinize our every move and I am thankful when we finally make it to the check-out desk. With a quick exchange of information and the final bill paid, we head out to the find the car. A wall of thick steamy air suffocates us within seconds of leaving the air-conditioned sanctuary.
We finally spot our car and hurriedly throw everything into the trunk. We scurry back to the casino to escape the inferno that engulfs us. I immediately feel a cold chill as if ice water is pouring over me from head to toe. I look down to grab my sweatshirt, which I had slung over my purse earlier in the day. Now it seems, to my dismay, that it is nowhere to be found. After taking a few minutes to retrace my steps, and still not finding my sweatshirt, I wonder if it’s worth going back out into the stifling heat to look for it. I explore all of my options, quickly rifling through them in the work center of my brain. Ding! The answer comes to me, and I race to find the nearest security kiosk.
I feel stupid as I explain my pitiful situation and know that I am secretly the biggest cheapskate alive. I mean a sweatshirt… of all things to report as missing… The poor lady in front of me is missing her laptop, and here I am practically crying over a plain black sweatshirt that I purchased from Goodwill.
After explaining the discouraging downfall to my otherwise perfectly wonderful day, and filling out about a gazillion forms after pleading my case, we are finally on our way to that grand adventure that I was so hopeful to find today. I can’t shake feeling disappointed in myself and wish that I could just start my morning over. Why I get so irritated over the little things in life, I will never understand. Is this just me or does everybody get like this from time to time?
After a while, I finally start to forget about the disappointing events of the morning as we happily gamble away our hard-earned money and shop at the same stores where celebrities often frequent. After looking at the price tags in the shops at Crystals, I am really depressed now. How can people afford such lavish things? The frivolity of such extravagant items seems to me to be almost embarrassing. I think to myself, how can people spend gobs of money on such unimportant things when people are starving in China? Seems to me like being a princess isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be. I’m kind of glad that I will most likely never find out.
It’s now 3:00 p.m. and time to find our car, so that we can brave the Vegas traffic and find our timeshare which is off the beaten path. I know what you’re thinking… Yes, we were wrangled into buying one of those. I loathe the day we signed the contract for our timeshare and now we are forced to take a vacation every year, or by default, forfeit our timeshare “points” i.e., hard-earned money.
We finally find the resort and decide that it’s better than we expected. The resort is surrounded by small shops and is within walking distance to the strip, if you don’t mind walking in 116° weather. After exploring our room and situating the luggage, we head downstairs to the concierge desk to buy show tickets. Tonight we are seeing the show “Diva’s” and I am really looking forward to our first opportunity for real adventure.
The day is progressing better than at first and we decide to head out for dinner. We opt for driving back to the strip, rather than trying to walk through the thick humid air. It doesn’t take us long to find parking near the LINQ; however, finding a restaurant that doesn’t cost a fortune is nearly impossible. We finally settle on the “Nook”, which is reminiscent of a delicatessen and seems like a good choice for low budget families like us.
We order gyros and fruit tarts for dessert. The food is exquisite and tastes like heaven. After filling our bellies, we sit back and relax and watch the chefs preparing food from behind the counter. Some of the chefs are flinging pizza dough into the air, while others are carefully arranging garnishes on platters. This place may not be Trumps Palace, but the chefs sure could work there!
After being entertained at the Nook, we head out to Caesars Palace to see the show Diva’s. The theatre is decked out in red velvet and screams sexy. Frank Marino is the star of the show and has us laughing so hard, that I am about to pee my pants. The alcoholic beverage I just drank isn’t helping matters either. I never imagined that a female impersonator could deliver such a thrilling performance and I linger after the final curtain call hoping for more.
At last though, the show is over. We file out through the crowds of drunk, excited people, each hoping for a chance to see Frank Marino in person. Sure enough, there he is, greeting everyone as they make their way out of the theatre. I am tempted to stop, but find myself hesitating because my shyness overtakes me, and once again I lose an opportunity to be someone I’m not.
It’s 2 a.m. when we finally crawl into bed. The LINQ, which is a huge observation wheel, is all lit up and can be seen from our window next to the bed. As I lay back, I think back over the past six days and feel happy and content that we are finally getting away from it all. A part of me feels guilty for enjoying this time away from the kids, but most of me is jumping for joy. Fifteen more days left to enjoy the vacation of a lifetime. Ahhh… I hope the time lingers and that the fun continues.