Reality check

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There are some amazing people in my life who I can’t forget because they are always there for me. Even so, life is still very hard sometimes, and it’s easy to feel like I deserve a better life than the one I have. Sometimes I even chase after things that aren’t good for me, and I end up causing myself so much heartache and pain. Slowly but surely though, I have been learning to let go of the things that aren’t meant to be, and to stop feeling as if I should have more. Over the past couple of years, especially, I have seen many people in my life come and go, and it has been extremely troublesome for me. I’ve often felt lonely, abandoned, and disappointed beyond words. And many times, just as I thought that God was answering my prayers, there were instances where my hopes were suddenly shattered, and I began to blame God for all of it. I realize now though that I’ve been looking beyond what is right in front of me every day. I’ve been disregarding the many blessings that I do have and wasting so much of my time chasing empty promises. So today, as I look back and think about how things have turned out; I’m looking at everything in a more positive light and feeling grateful for the life I’ve been given.

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How can I forget?

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I’ve got the past, present, and future all on my mind today. I keep trying to overcome the past, but the present just won’t let me forget, which makes the future look like it’ll just be more of the same. And I’m so tired of thinking about the past. Most days, I wish that somehow I could forget everything, and then perhaps I could overcome and heal from the things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. But no matter what I do, or what I try, I can’t forget the hurts, the struggles, and the reality of my life. I still think that it’s possible to overcome the past, but I think in order to do that, I need to face those issues head-on and stop sweeping them under the rug.

I’ve been on WordPress for five years now, and I have made some amazing friends, but the majority of you don’t really know me. I have been a closed book for a very long time, and that is mainly because I’ve been trying to protect my family and friends from knowing what’s really been going on. Sometimes I feel like it makes things worse to be open and honest with the ones you love. I think most people would say that some things should never be talked about because they are just too hard for most people to handle. But because I’ve been keeping things bottled up, I feel like I’m almost at my breaking point now. I’ve been mostly dealing with everything on my own, with very little support from anyone except a few close friends. And I feel like I don’t even want to tell my close friends everything because I don’t like overwhelming people with my problems. Everyone already has enough to deal with in their own lives, and I don’t want to be the kind of friend who heaps on more. I think this is why I’ve alienated nearly everyone from my life. I’ve been afraid that if I stayed close to anyone, that I might accidentally explode and reveal all of the things that I’ve been trying to work through.

After thinking things over while I was on vacation this month, I feel like I am only doing myself an injustice by not saying anything, and I’m on the verge of baring my heart and soul to everyone. I know I have already lost the majority of the connections with my family and friends, and so I don’t think I could do any more damage than I already have. But at the same time, I am still trying to protect my immediate family from some very damaging issues. I’ve been wanting to see a counselor, and discuss some of these issues there, but I’ve tried to find someone in the past, and our insurance wouldn’t cover the cost of those visits. So I’m sort of in a weird dilemma right now. I feel like I need to start talking about all the things that I should have addressed years ago. I think talking about them, and getting them out in the open is the only way to fix anything. I’m still not sure if writing about all of this on my blog is the best approach, but I need to do something; I just wish I knew what to do.

~M

#WeekendCoffeeShare – Life goes on…

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Good morning everyone!  Come in and sit down and I’ll make you a cup of your very favorite hot or cold drink.  I have a variety of options, so take your pick.  I’m drinking a steamy mug of hot chocolate, which is filled to the brim with whipped cream.  And yes, I’m being naughty and not following my paleo diet to perfection at the moment, but once and awhile we all need a little flexibility in our lives, and after a month like this… well, let’s just say hot chocolate has been sort of a saving grace for me.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that my life has been completely turned upside down these days and I hardly even know where to begin.  I suppose I’ll start off by saying that I feel completely blessed and thankful that my two oldest daughters have both survived this month.  One had her home threatened by a huge fire out in California, and my other daughter who lives in Florida was in the middle of hurricane Irma.   Both are fine now, and that’s such a huge relief!

Here at home, there has been turmoil as well.  The first week of school was a bit rough, after finding out that hubby is deploying overseas and also that our 4 yr. old dog Pippa has bone cancer.  I’m trying my best to make Pippa as comfortable as possible, but the vet said her days are certainly numbered.  She may only live a few more months which is really sad to me.  Hubby felt so bad when he found out and misses us so much, that he made a surprise visit home over this past week.  It was nice to see him, but at the same time, it was so hard to say goodbye, especially knowing that it may be another year before I see him again.

Here’s some good news though, I had been dealing with depression at the beginning of this year and I’m feeling so much better.  I was also having some physical ailments that caused me to lose 22 lbs.  However, I am happy to say, that all of those issues seem to have been resolved.  It was determined that I was having some terrible side effects from one of the meds I was on and once I stopped taking that, I began to feel like myself again.

I am presently working on several poetry books and figure over this next year that I should be able to knock a few of them out while hubby is away.  That is of course if I don’t end up with any more hiccups.  All I can do is continue to try.  It’s been very hard to stay motivated and inspired.  I had a friend whom I wrote about here.  This friend was the one person in my life, who really inspired my early days of writing.  And even though he finally contacted me and ended up explaining why he no longer wanted to be friends, it has still been very difficult to continue on without him.

In fact, as some of you know, I started my new blog just a month ago and ended up taking all of my poems off of this one.  I needed a fresh start, as many of the poems I had written on this blog reminded me of my friend.  I knew I needed to finally let him go from my heart and mind, and came very close to deleting my blog altogether.  But I decided I couldn’t quit, and so instead I started over.  I also knew that eventually, I wanted to take my old poems off of my blog anyway, due to the fact that I do plan to publish them in the near future.   So ultimately, it forced me to do something prematurely that I knew I would eventually have to do anyway.

I know I haven’t been around as much lately as far as reading blogs goes, and I apologize to many of you who I haven’t visited on a regular basis like I used to.  But life has just taken its toll on me lately and I just haven’t had as much time for reading.  It’s hard to keep life in perfect balance and I know it’s foolish to even try.  I just hope that you all know how much I really do care about you.  When I say I love you guys, I really do mean it.  All of you here on WordPress have become like family to me.  It’s hard to explain it, but when you’re so isolated because you live in a place with hardly any family or friends around, your internet buddies become everything to you.  If you’ve written a coffee share this weekend, please leave me a link so that I can catch up with you.  Hope your week is filled with love and happiness!  ~M

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#weekendcoffeeshare – Do you ever just feel like giving up?

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Good morning fellow bloggers!  How have all of you been lately?  I’m so glad you decided to visit me today.  I’ve got plenty of hot tea and coffee, or iced tea if you prefer that instead.  So pick what you like best and let’s sit down and have a heart to heart talk.  Okay, I’m not gonna lie.  This conversation is not going to be all hearts and flowers.  But I’m keeping it real today.

So here it is, I’m just gonna lay it all out here and let my heart sort of bleed onto this boring white page.  I’ve been struggling worse than I think I ever have before.  I can’t seem to escape these depressive thoughts anymore.  I’m doing everything in my power to try and do something about it.  Since writing is what I’m most passionate about, I’ve been trying to focus on creating more humorous posts.  I’m also getting outside more and doing things that I normally love to do.  But for some reason, I just can’t seem to lose this sinking feeling within myself.  I’m not really sure what to do about any of it.  I’m definitely feeling the pull to break away from everything and everyone around me.  I’ve been doing the fake smile thing lately.  Hopeful that nobody notices how I’m really feeling.  Of course then there’s always that one person who ruins it for me and asks me how I’m doing.  Then the tears start to well up and I can’t even answer back.  And of course they have no idea why their question has set me off and I end up feeling like an idiot for not being able to respond to their question properly.

I’m also at a crossroad in my life right now and I’m making a huge effort to try and work on my relationship with my hubby.  He’s about to leave again since he’s in the military and I’m not sure when I will have a chance to see him again.  I very much love him, but I feel our relationship is still very fragile, and because he’s leaving, I wonder if it’s going to hinder the progress that we’ve made.  Fear is sort of taking hold of me at the moment because we are facing so many unknowns.  Anyway, he and I have talked in depth about all of this and I think we are both just sort of holding our breath, hopeful for a happy ending.  These last couple of years have taken their toll on both of us and perhaps being apart will be the best thing for us.  Being away from each other has often helped us in the past.  It seems to give us the time we need to sort out our feelings.

Another thing I’m struggling with is the fact that I don’t really know anybody where I live, and so with my hubby leaving, I’m beginning to feel like I’m about to be stranded.  We’ve always moved around so much that I’ve never really been able to establish any close friends where I live.   And because we’re always moving, I also tend to shy away from making friends in the first place.  It seems easier not to have any friends than to always be saying goodbye to them.  Since I really don’t have any close ties to Wisconsin, I’m thinking I will welcome another move in the coming future.  I’ve always loved the feel of a fresh start in a new place.  I get bored easily when I stay in one place for too long and my love for travel leaves me ever wanting to get away.

Anyway, these are the main things I’m struggling with at the moment, and so if I tend to throw a sort of depressive post in the batch once in a while, please forgive me for doing so.  I’m just not always in the best frame of mind and sometimes there are days which just seem to get the better of me.  I hope all of you are doing well and staying in good health.  I want to thank all of you for being my long distance friends and for always showing me how much you care.  Blogging has been a great outlet for me, and since I do move around so much, I’m blessed that I can take all of you with me wherever I go.  😉

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