Just remember this…

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“Sometimes we need to focus on something greater than ourselves, to give us a purpose in life.”  ~M


Photo credit: Pixabay.com

What? Can’t I just stay in hibernation?

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I’ve been pushing everyone in my life away.  I’ve always been like this, but over the past several years, the urge to be completely alone has gotten worse. The moment I feel like someone isn’t making an effort to be a part of my life, I start to pull away from them.  It’s a defense mechanism I’ve used all my life.  My parents were some of the very first people that I began to push away.  My mom and I had an especially strained relationship when I was growing up, and by the time I turned 18, I moved out and never looked back.  I wasn’t even done with high school at that point, but I was done feeling unwanted by her, and so I left.

This pattern has continued my entire life.  As soon as I feel like someone isn’t happy with me, or doesn’t want me, I pull away and just let them go.  It’s always seemed easier that way.  I like doing things for others, and I love giving as much as I possibly can to the people around me, but I don’t want to have to plead with someone to stay in my life and to want me around.  And I don’t feel like I have the energy to deal with all the drama that comes from complicated relationships anymore.  I guess that’s why I have a very limited number of close friends, and why I’m hesitant to get close to anybody else.

These are just the thoughts that are running through my mind at the moment.  I have a very good life, and plenty of people who I know love me and accept me, but right now, I just feel like pulling away from everyone.  I don’t want to leave myself open to anymore hurts.  I’ve had enough of it already, and so I feel like escaping the potential for more heartache by closing myself off and shutting down.  Anyway, I thought journaling would be a good thing for me right now, so I think I might start writing out my thoughts like this and posting them every now and then.  Since I don’t feel like being very social right now, I’ve closed the comments section.  I just need time alone; I think we all do once in a while.  Thanks for reading.  ~M xo

#MidnightMadness – 4/18/2017

A conversation with my 15 yr. old daughter, who had just returned from the next door neighbor’s house.

 

Brianna – “My friend Jenny sure is turning into a teenager.”

Me – “Oh really?  Why do you say that?”

Brianna – “Oh, you know… she’s just growing up and acting like the typical kind.”

Me – “Well, you are fifteen yourself… do you think you act like the typical teenager?

Brianna – “Who me?  No, not really… what do you think?”

Me – “Oh Absolutely not!  Lol….”

Brianna – “What about you mom?  Do you see yourself as a fully grown woman?”

Me – “No, not at all… What do you think?”

Brianna – “Oh mom… not in a million years!”  As she laughs uncontrollably.

 

Guess even my children can tell that I refuse to grow up.  And she’s taking after me!  Lol…. ~M  😉

You will always be my treasured friend…

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I thought I’d lost someone today.  Someone who has filled a void in my heart, like nobody else ever has.  I can’t imagine going through the rest of my life without this sweet person.  They mean the world to me and have become my closest and most trusted confidant.  I have never had a friend quite like this particular one, and the thought of losing them left me feeling heartbroken. 

I tried to go about my day as usual, but eventually the tears erupted for the millionth time and I could no longer hold back how terrible I felt.  My hubby tried to console me, tried to reassure me that I hadn’t lost them.  And yet I’m still not quite sure where I stand. 

My daughter Autumn came up to me this morning and asked me what she should draw for art class.  Thinking about how happy this friend of mine has always made me feel, I told her to draw what makes her the happiest.  A little while later, she brought back this picture of me and her.  It was the sweetest gesture and a drawing I will always treasure, because happiness to her, means her and me together.   

Happiness is always about having those special people in our lives that mean the most to us.  We cannot even hope for anything better.  So to my dear friend C… If you by chance happen to read this.  You will always be a treasured friend to me and I love you as if you are part of my family.  I prayed my whole life for somebody like you, so please don’t ever forget how much you mean to me. 

 

Love, ~M  xoxo