Imperfection couldn’t be more perfect

February 28, 2016February 23, 2016 ~ ~M ~ 14 Comments

“Even our successes are failures, compared to the perfection of God” ~M

Today I am another year older and I know that I’m not perfect and of course I never will be. Only God can be perfect. Yet I often wonder why I feel so discontented when it comes to my imperfections. Most of us continually strive for success; it is human nature to do so, but we always fall short because we are imperfect people. This can be quite frustrating for those of us who are perfectionists. I must remember this… If I was perfect, the Lord could not improve me; for he is the potter and I am the clay. I must bear in mind all of the things that he has revealed to me through his word, so I don’t end up feeling defeated or discouraged. Here are some verses that always give me the proper perspective. Hope everyone is having a very happy Sunday! 🙂

Romans 3:23 – For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Isaiah 64:8 – And yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand.

Isaiah 41:10 – Don’t be afraid, because I’m with you; don’t be anxious, because I am your God. I keep on strengthening you; I’m truly helping you. I’m surely upholding you with my victorious right hand.”

Photo credit: ebonyjohanna.com

Following or Chasing?

February 27, 2016April 20, 2017 ~ ~M ~ 14 Comments

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“Are you following God and enjoying a relationship with him, or are you instead always trying to catch up to him?” ~M

Photo credit: pinterest.com

The Innocence of a Child

February 21, 2016February 12, 2016 ~ ~M ~ 9 Comments

“You can’t see Jesus because He’s in your heart saving you.” ~By, Autumn Cook, age 6

It’s 7:30 a.m., the alarm has gone off or should I say… run in. Yes, it’s my little three year old Autumn running into my bedroom, early as ever to snuggle with Mommy before we start our day. She goes to the end of the bed, makes her way over the mess of covers, and climbs underneath to get warm. I keep trying to pretend that I’m asleep so that maybe I can get about five more minutes of rest before I have to get up. I can feel her squirming restlessly next to me and sighing heavily as if to say “Mommy get up already!” So I start to open my eyes and this cute little face with a little button nose is staring right at me and asks me this question, “Mommy? Jesus isn’t in here.” So I say, “What do you mean?” She proceeds to put her hand just above her belly and says once again… “Jesus isn’t in here!” I start to become intrigued wondering if she is asking what I think she is. Does she want to ask Jesus into her heart at the age of three? So I asked her, “What do you mean? Do you want to ask Jesus to come into your heart?” She nods and says quietly “Yes, I do.” So I proceed with telling her to repeat after me and we say the sinners’ prayer together. When we are through though, she opens her eyes, puts her hand near her belly again and says to me, “Mommy, Jesus is still not in here.” I start to say, “Well… of course He is! You just prayed and now He is with you forever!” She looks over at me, moves her hand about 4 inches up from where she had been resting it before and exclaims, “Oh Mommy! There He is!” I about died laughing, not knowing that the entire time she was thinking that the beating of her little heart was what tells her that Jesus is with her. It’s moments like this that Mothers cherish forever. I love you my little Auti and Jesus is with you now and forever.

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us. We know that we live in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. ~ 1 John 4:12-13

A dream that I will never forget…

December 8, 2015June 20, 2016 ~ ~M ~ 40 Comments

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I dreamt this dream so very long ago that the exact date escapes me, but here goes my best recollection. I believe the dream came to me in 2005 and it was at this time in my life when I was suffering through a spiritual battle that had been waging war over my soul for fifteen long years. The battle was now reaching its climax and I would either defeat this battle or lose everything in the process. Little did I know that this dream would serve as a turning point in my life. Here is what was going on in my life during the years that led up to this dream…

Without my knowledge, but as I would come to realize later, the Lord was fighting alongside me every step of the way. I fought him daily and searched for answers to my questions in the darkest of places. I felt as if my whole life had been a lie and I wanted the truth for once in my life. I had come to the conclusion that God must not be who I thought he was; because if he was, certainly he would be helping me, instead of always causing me so much pain.

I chose to look for another god, one who fit into my idea of what God should look like, one who could make me happier, one who didn’t ask so much of me. I fell into a hopeless tailspin as I searched and I was sucked into a pit that I couldn’t climb out of. I searched out every lie that had ever been told and I tried to believe every last one of them. I was certain that I could convince myself that the one true God wasn’t real, that somehow there must be another. So I searched and searched…

At first, I found other gods to be quite interesting and I felt as if I could somehow be happier if I could just understand their mysterious ways. I began my spiritual journey of self-improvement by studying natural health and I fell in love with the natural ways of healing. I found quotes by Buddha inspiring and listened to meditation music in order to relax and cleanse my soul of the darkness that I felt. I thought about ideas like reincarnation and how such transformations could quite possibly be truthful. I bought books about other religions of the world and studied them in order to find the true meaning of life.

I was convinced that I had been brainwashed my entire life. Surely there was no such thing as a man named Jesus who had come to earth to save me from my unrighteous ways. Did I really need saving anyway? Life seemed so much easier not having to live out all of those silly commandments and I wanted to be free of the condemnation that I constantly felt from other Christians. I assumed everything I had grown up believing was false, because I surely wasn’t getting anywhere fast by following Christ. I figured if the God I had been told about really existed, that my life would be wonderful all of the time. If he truly loved me, wouldn’t I feel that love always? Wouldn’t I be free of the pain and the suffering that I was constantly being tormented with? I was convinced he was the biggest lie of all and yet every time I turned my back on him, every time I tried to be free of his steadfast love, I felt the darkness growing inside of me; consuming me to the point in which I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

I went so far as to apply for a job working at a nature preserve, where a Wiccan clan needed a part-time secretary. Their lives seemed so much more happy and fulfilling and they seemed like they had everything figured out. I wanted what they had for myself and so I attended their workshops and grew in love with their peaceful ideas. I received a call one night from them, asking me to come in and interview on Halloween night. They said that I could come and join their party and wanted to interview me during the night’s events. As I spoke with the woman on the phone, my heart sunk deeper into my chest. I could hardly breathe and a pit formed in my stomach that was like nothing I had ever felt. Oh I so wanted to go and make a new life for myself, but something held me back. I started to tell the woman that I would be there, but somehow my words changed and I ended up telling her that I had other plans and that I wouldn’t be able to come. I was furious with myself when I hung up the phone and yet somehow I felt lighter, as if some of the darkness within me had somehow just evaporated.

A few years went by and I continued my schooling in natural health. I also continued to look for ways to make my life more fulfilling. I quit my job working as a laboratory assistant for a Biotechnology company and my family and I moved to the country where I discovered some of the much needed peace that I had been searching for. I still kept searching for some sense of truth, but I just couldn’t seem to find anything that made sense to me. Every time I sought a new religious idea, every time I flew in a different direction, reaching out for answers, I couldn’t find an ounce of truth in any of them. Sure, many ideas were lovely thoughts and some even brought me temporary happiness, but it was all fruitless in the end and my joy continued to leave me, as I sank further and further into the depths of despair. Which now leads me to my dream…

I was in a pitch black room and tried blinking my eyes a few times so that my eyes would adjust to the darkness that engulfed me. I realized very quickly that I was sitting on the lap of a giant man. He had to be at least eight feet tall and was dressed like a roman soldier. His attire was red and gold in color and he had leather straps that wove their way up his legs in order to affix his sandals to his feet. The armor he wore was shiny and new and he looked as if he had the strength of a thousand men.

He was completely bald and clean shaven. The massiveness of his body made me look tiny in comparison and he held me close against his body. His arms were wrapped firmly around me, yet lovingly and gentle. As I looked up into his eyes, I saw a tear escape and slide down his brilliant face. He was the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes upon. His skin was the color of bronze and his eyes spoke of a love that of which I had never known. There was a brilliant glow that seemed to flow freely about his entire body. The glow resembled a wave of light and left me feeling complete elation as I reveled in his splendid beauty.

His head hung low, as if he were deeply saddened by something or someone and I began to look around the room to see if I could figure out what was causing him so much pain. Now that my eyes had begun to adjust to the darkness, I noticed shadows all around us. Their presence spoke of a deadly evil that lurked in the shadows of the vilest of places and they charged at us from all directions.

After focusing a little more, I noticed their daggers were plunging deep into his body. His loving arms were protecting me from the sharp blades that pierced his flesh over and over again. Then I noticed that he was actually moving the entire time as I sat there quietly in his lap. It was if he was moving at warp speed, blocking every dagger that was meant to take my life. I looked back up into his eyes and even though he did not speak, I understood that the life I had been living apart from him, had been literally killing him.

He was suffering because of my sin and he was absorbing all of the attacks that were meant for me. He was doing all of this in order to save me from the evil that I had let come into my life. Once realizing my mistake, I began to cry and he held me in his loving arms, rocking me and gently wiping away every tear that escaped my worn out earthly body. I had never felt so loved in all my life and I didn’t want to leave him. I snuggled in closer to his body. The warmth of his love spread through me like a fire that could not be contained and when I suddenly awakened, I knew that he was real.

For the first time in my life, I now understood what I could never figure out on my own. I felt his love as it burned through my body, consuming me to the most inner parts of my being. I wept in the darkness of my bedroom. Wanting him back and yet realizing now that he was actually there and always had been. I just needed him to show me who he was and how much he really did love me. I needed him to hold me in order to feel his true presence and he gave me what my heart had desired for so long.

The feelings of his love from that moment on, have stayed with me since then and I will never forget the glimpse into his world that he showed me that day. Jesus is the light in the darkness when we cannot find our way. He is our healer and our creator and he is everything that I ever wanted and so much more. I wasted so many years searching for the truth, when all along he was right there, holding me in his loving arms and he never let me go. Even when I turned away, he never released me, he just held on tighter until I finally found my way back to him. He is my God, my King, and my Savior now and forever. May He reign on high forevermore.

Day 15 of our 21 day adventure

November 25, 2015November 22, 2015 ~ ~M ~ 15 Comments

Today is finally here. The day I have been looking forward to for months now! We will be hiking up to Angels Landing, but that isn’t the best part; we will also be renewing our vows and I am so excited that I just want to scream! The problem is, it’s 5:00 a.m. and so screaming isn’t allowed at the moment. I must be civilized and act like an adult, like everyone else. Who am I kidding…? I’m surrounded by three boys at the moment, so I’m probably the most mature person around right now.

This morning is much the same as yesterday. I am preparing lunches and packing everything that we will need for the day. We are leaving a little bit earlier today so that we don’t face as many crowds as we did yesterday. As we approach the shuttle, I notice that there are quite a few people here. Most seem to be prepared for climbing, as they are loaded down with ropes and all kinds of other gear that I suppose one might need for that sort of thing.

We arrive at the drop off point for the West Rim trail that will lead us up through Walter’s Wiggle’s; these 21 switchbacks look like a beast to climb. I am ready though and excited to see if I can make it up the 1488 feet that we will need to climb. The hike is 5 miles round trip and the hiking guide shows that it should take us about 5 hours to complete the hike. I am nervous about my 6 yr. old nephew coming with us. This is a strenuous hike and it isn’t recommended for children.

As we make our way up the steep sandstone incline, I start to wonder if I am crazy for attempting this. I have been a stay-at-home mom for several years now and so just walking around the block often wears me out. But I remind myself of our hike up at Mt. Charleston and yesterday’s hike was no cake walk either. It isn’t long before my nephew Levi starts to get tired and my brother David tells me that he may have to turn back if Levi cannot continue on.

Brian and I continue on without Levi and David, hoping that they will catch up to us after they rest for a while. I know that if I stop now, that I may never make it the rest of the way myself. There aren’t too many people on the way up. It’s still really early in the day and I am happy that we decided to leave so early. To my surprise, my brother and Levi catch up to us within a few minutes and I am excited to see them.

After finally making it through all of the switchbacks, we are now at Scout Lookout, which is the saddle that lies between the West Rim trail and Angels Landing. I am thankful that they have bathrooms all the way up here. I would hate to be the one that has to climb up here every day to replace the toilet paper though! Walking over to the beginning of Angels Landing trail, I begin to feel a little apprehensive. This is not for the faint of heart. I can tell by the posted sign that talks about how many people have died falling to their deaths because of the sheer cliffs.

Taking a deep breath, Brian and I proceed to hike the last .5 mile which is what will take us to the final lookout for Angels Landing. There are anchored support chains along the trail to help people climb the steep sandstone ridge. I am able to barely pull myself up the first few chains until I am resting on a large boulder that overlooks the entire park. Great White Throne Mountain is to my left and we are sitting at an elevation of 5,785 ft. The views are breathtaking and horrifying at the same time.

I turn around quickly when I catch something out of the corner of my eye. It turns out that Brian’s lens cap has fallen down from where he is sitting. He is higher up on the boulder than I am and as he reaches for his lens cap, he tears the pocket from the back of his shorts and his wallet begins to fall out too. This is not the place to be trying to catch things that are falling and I am beginning to become very nervous about going any further.

With nothing to hold onto, I start sliding back to one of the anchored support chains. It was hard enough getting up to this point and getting down seems a lot harder. I can’t quite reach the support chain and in front of me is a sheer drop-off into the valley below. If know the only way down is to sort of take a leap of faith from where I am and hope and pray that I can boost myself enough to grab hold of the chain.

It’s getting more crowded by the minute and there is no way to go around the other people that are coming up the trail from the other side. I am forced to hold my breath and reach out as far as I can to grab the anchored support. After what seems like forever, I finally grasp the support and hoist myself down onto the safety of Scouts Lookout below. I have never been so terrified in all my life and yet I am still glad that I am here, living this adventure with the man I love.

David and Levi are waiting for us on Scouts Landing and David decides to see how far he can make it on the Angels Landing Trail. As we wait with Levi, Brian and I begin to set up the camera so that we can film our wedding vows here at the entrance to Angels Landing. Sitting down next to Levi, I am surprised when a chipmunk decides to climb up my back. The squirrels and chipmunks are everywhere, always looking for food.

We haven’t waited very long before my brother returns. He wasn’t able to make it all the way to the end either because there are too many people crowding the paths and making it impossible to reach the end. It’s disappointing, but I think we all are just glad to have made the attempt and we proceed with setting up everything so that we can renew our wedding vows.

David helps steady the camera on the tripod and we take out the vows that we have written to each other and begin the short ceremony. Brian goes first and because of the noisy groups of people in the background, I can hardly hear what he is saying. Once he is done saying his vows, a bunch of people begin to clap. I am surprised that people have actually stopped and are watching our little ceremony. Feeling flustered by the onlookers, I begin to read the vows that I have written to Brian.

We have had a very hard year. The hardest year of our marriage so far. These vows mean more to us than anyone else will ever know or understand. Because of the problems that we have recently faced in our marriage and in our family, we knew that we needed a fresh start. To be able to start over and begin anew has meant the world to me.

When I first met Brian and when we were married 21 years ago, Brian wasn’t a believer and I wasn’t sure if he ever would be. It didn’t matter to me though, I loved him and that’s all I knew at that time. I didn’t think that his beliefs would ever be an issue in our marriage and honestly, I didn’t really care one way or another at that point. I just wanted to be with someone who cared about me and loved me, and who would be by my side for the rest of my life.

Years later, I would come to realize what this decision would cost me and my family more than I would ever know. I finally understood what being unequally yoked meant and certainly paid the price because of it. Do I regret my decision? No, of course not… but life would have been a whole lot simpler had we spoken about our religious views before we were married and if we had worked on that first.

God has been gracious to us though and it has been 9 years now since Brian became a Christian. It has made all the difference in our marriage and even though things will never be perfect, we can now get through the hard times a little bit easier because we have our heavenly father who ties us together even in the worst of times.