“It’s so much easier to give someone up, when they become someone you no longer recognize.” ~M
Photo credit: Pixabay.com
Photo credit: Pixabay.com
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you how very sad I’ve been feeling over the past couple of weeks. It’s been a very tough month for me, and I’m living with so many unanswered questions.
Near the beginning of the month, I lost my closest friend. I haven’t dealt with it very well, but I’m trying my best to let go. For whatever reason, my friend decided to move on without telling me they were leaving.
I think the hardest part for me, is not knowing why; and I know I never will. The reason I know I never will, is because I dreamt of them leaving. It was a fairly recent dream, one I dreamt a few weeks before they disappeared. I didn’t understand the meaning then, but of course I do now. I cannot even fathom why they left, especially without saying goodbye; other than maybe they just had no other choice.
I admit at first, I was angry and hurt, and I vowed to myself that I would never trust another person again. And yes my guard is still up, but I did allow myself to visit with a woman who lives nearby, and it did help to speak with her. I poured my heart out to her and she listened. She eventually told me it was probably for the better; and even though I hesitate to agree with her, in the back of my mind, I know she’s probably right.
So as hard as it is to live with this sense of loss and pain in my heart, I know I will eventually be okay. Every day that passes, is another day to find other things to be happy about; and to try and find contentment, even in the monotony of everyday life.
I have never been a quitter, and so I will not give up trying to find a positive light, even in this. The Lord knows my path better than me, and so I have to ultimately give all of this to him, and let him show me where I should go from here.
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Photo credit: pixabay.com
This is a really tough day for me and I hardly know where to begin. I have been struggling with so many issues over the past couple of years and last night they all came crashing down on me. Right now, I feel hopeless, lost, and completely out of sorts. I have been doing everything in my own power, trying to hold on to the tiniest bit of hope, and yet that last bit of hope finally escaped my grip last night and I wanted to completely give up.
I wanted to give up everything and I wanted to forget everyone. As the night progressed, I finally just spilled everything I had been holding onto for so long. All the pain that’s been bottled up inside of me, all the disappointment, all the regrets. All of it came out and my heart felt like it shattered into a million pieces.
Still today, there does not seem to be any relief after all that was discussed. Everything is still a complete mess and I can’t imagine how any of it will ever be resolved. The hurts run too deep, the pain seems to be more than I can bear, and I don’t feel like I will ever recover. I have alienated too many people from my life, tried to forget everyone and everything for so long now. And because of it, I feel like I am left with this huge hole in my heart.
In the process of trying to forget everyone, I seem to have forgotten who I am too. I feel as if I can’t change any of this and cannot seem to mend what’s been broken. I have allowed things to go too far, to get too out of control and my health is declining as well, which I know is completely my fault.
I have debated for months now as to what I should do, and after last night and just how close I was to giving up completely, I feel like I need a break to figure things out. As hard as this is, I have decided to give up blogging. I am not sure if this will be permanent or temporary, my brain can’t think that far ahead. But for now, I just need to get my head and my heart in sync with one another and figure things out.
I am closing comments on my blog and may be deleting my social media accounts as well. I will leave my blog up for now, but may remove it in the future. I wish the best to all of you and I hope that you will be happy in your lives and always put God first. Without Him we are nothing, and you will go down this barren road like I am right now if you don’t put your hope and trust in Him alone.
Love you all so much and I will really miss you. ~M xo