Empty…

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“I wish I always had words of hope and love pouring out of my soul, but sometimes I just run out.”  ~M


Photo Credit: Pixabay.com

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Leaving the past behind…

Happy New Year!

Leaving behind 2016 is a welcome relief for me.  I would say it was probably one of the worst years of my life, and yet in the midst of the ugliness of it all, there were countless blessings that came out of it.  So looking back, I wouldn’t want 2016 to go any differently than it did.  I realize the pain and heartache had to come, in order for the renewal and blessings to be fulfilled.

I suffered severe depression over the past year, and tried to hide it from my family and friends.  I prayed countless times that God would take me from this world and allow me to escape the suffering which I felt I could no longer face.  I ended up with what doctors thought was perhaps a cancerous tumor.  I thought this is it, this is what I prayed for, and this is how I will die.

Then reality hit me and I thought to myself, what have I been doing?  Why have I been praying to leave my family who obviously needs me right now?  My girls had both announced that they were getting married, and my two youngest were still being home schooled by me.  I felt so selfish and such guilt for asking for such a terrible thing.  I knew I deserved whatever happened to me at that point, and I believe I still do depending on what happens in the future.

For now, my doctors believe that I am fine.  The results of all of my tests look good.  I am supposed to go back this February to have all of the tests repeated to confirm everything is still good.  I am at the point where I don’t even want to have those tests repeated.  I feel good and I just don’t see the need to go through everything again.  I have yet to decide what I will do.

While going through the cancer scare, I felt like I was going through it alone.  I didn’t feel the comfort and love from my husband that I really needed, and because of that, I ended up resenting him even more than I already did.  We had been through so much the year prior and nothing had been resolved.  I thought here’s the time I need you most, and you still aren’t here for me.  I felt like nobody was really there.  Yes, I was having my own little pity party, even though I had prayed for it to happen.  I wonder why we do these things to ourselves.  I look back and shake my head; because realistically, I only had myself to blame.

I think I spent most of 2016, just trying to figure out how to change my frame of mind.  I was tired of being unhappy, tired of being in a marriage where I didn’t feel loved, tired of not having any real friends, and mostly tired of feeling lonely.  I tried to relay how I was feeling to my husband on countless occasions, but it didn’t really sink in until September, when he found a poem I had written about how I didn’t love him anymore.  It was then that things began to change.

Finally, all of the words that I had been saying, all of the tears I had been crying, and all of the resentment that I had toward him, became apparent to him.  It was at that point, that I knew I couldn’t stay any longer.  I was ready to leave, and I was fully prepared for him to let me.  What I was not prepared for, was what happened next.  Instead of pushing me away after I spilled my heart out to him and confessed all of the terrible things I had been doing because I had been so lonely; my husband did quite the opposite, he forgave me… it was instantaneous.

He forgave me and vowed to be a better husband to me.  He blamed himself for the things that I had done to him, and said it was his fault for not being there for me.  He apologized over and over and begged me to stay.  He broke down and cried and told me that he would change.  I sat there in complete disbelief.  I wondered why he would want to stay with me now and wondered where his motivation was coming from.  I thought maybe he just didn’t want to lose me because I’m good at things, like cooking and cleaning, and taking care of the kids.  He hadn’t seemed to want much to do with me before I confessed how terrible I had been to him, so why would he want me now?

I’ve spent the last four months, wondering if his love for me is really real.  I’ve been confused about his true intentions and why he would take me back now, after I confided in him that my heart was someplace else.  He has spent the last four months reminding me every single day, of how much he loves me and how much he wants me back.  I have been resistant at times.  Hesitant to believe what he is really saying, and wondering if it will last.  Somedays I feel convinced that he really does mean what he’s saying and somedays I still have my doubts.

I thought I had forgiven him for the things he had done to me and some things that affected our daughters.  But apparently I was wrong.  I had never really forgiven him, and because of this, I just couldn’t accept his love when he was finally ready to express it to me.  I am still struggling, but really wanting to work things out.  I suppose I never really stopped loving him, but I hated the man that he had become.  Now I am left with a completely different person.  Somebody whom I hardly even recognize.  I keep thinking that I will wake up one day and this whole new him will be nothing but a passing dream.  I want so much to accept what he is telling me each and every day.  I want to love him and I know I can’t live without having somebody by my side.  Love is the most important thing to me in life.

So now that 2017 is here, I have decided to take the advice of one of my dear friends, and jump back in with both feet.  I want to try and mend what has been broken, and hopefully be able to fully let go of the past hurts and regain the love for my husband that he deserves.  We have all made terrible mistakes in life.  I need to finally forgive him the way God already has.  My own daughter even told me before she got married this year, she said to me… “Mom, Dad really loves you and he isn’t the same man he used to be.  He is a good father to us girls and he needs you.  So please forgive him and leave the past behind.”  Her words have haunted me since that very day, and I know I need to take her advice and leave the past behind.

The enemy has already tried to discourage me from doing that.  Even in the last couple of days, there have been things that have occurred, which have been reminders of the pain which I am so desperately trying to forget.  I know I can’t let that happen, and I pray that God will just be my protector and keep me from the things which I’ve faced over the last couple of years.  I know the only way I will sort everything out, is with his mercy and love covering me in every single aspect of my life.

I feel so blessed to have two daughters, who have both married within the last two months, and I am really looking forward to this new year and all that the Lord has in store for me and my family.  Despite the many tears and frustrations, I have much to be thankful for.  I believe that no matter what we are facing, there are still so many things that we can be grateful for in our lives.  We just have to look at the complete picture and consider the glass half full instead of half empty.  Many blessings to all of you for the coming year.  It’s a time to start anew and find the happiness that awaits each and every one of us!

Much love,

~M