Tag: hope

Him vs. Her – A New Chapter

~ ~M ~ 19 Comments

For the last two years now, I have been very unsure about the future of my marriage.  The past sort of caught up with my husband and the present sort of caught up with me.  Needless to say, we were both at fault in different ways.  About four months ago, I had finally gotten to the point where I decided I was tired of trying.  In my mind, I just sort of gave up and decided it was time to figure out plan B.  I started picturing my life without him.  Wondering what I would do apart from him and where I would go.  We still have two children at home, so that was of course another concern of mine.  What would happen to them if we split up, how would we work it all out?  And yet I could never actually see us getting to the point of divorce.  I really couldn’t even fathom the idea of such a drastic decision.

After admitting to my husband that I didn’t think I could continue on the way things were, he in turn seemed to agree.  And yet divorce was the furthest thing from his mind.  His immediate response was to somehow fix what was broken in our marriage and strengthen the parts which looked salvageable.  For four months now, he has been trying very hard to turn things around.  I have to admit, I haven’t made things easy.  I have fought him every bit of the way, by not really believing any of what he’s been saying.  After years of empty promises, I didn’t want to allow myself to be tricked again.

His first response was to begin by writing me poetry; which is something he had never done in his entire life.  I remember reading the words he wrote during those first few months and thinking to myself… “He can’t really mean any of this.”  I thought… “This is just another one of his schemes to make me believe him, but it’s not going to last.” Over the years he would say he would try harder, but there was never any long lasting changes to support his efforts.  It was mostly just cheap talk and I knew I didn’t want to fall for that again.  I was finally ready to move on and I didn’t want to get sucked back into a life of false hopes.

Well it’s been four months now since he’s started blogging.  And I think the turning point for me was when he wrote this… Heart of Sadness.  Since then, I have begun to believe that he is truly being sincere.  He finally seems to understand and acknowledge how I’ve been feeling.  We tell each other everything, but I had often wondered if he was really hearing me.  I wasn’t sure if he understood that I didn’t feel the same kind of love for him anymore.  I wondered if he could live with that fact, or if it would ultimately destroy our marriage.  Yet the more we talked, the more I knew he understood, and he told me very sweetly that he just wanted me to be happy.

I suppose because he isn’t demanding my love, I am slowly finding my way back to him.  We have been making immense progress, and I am finally accepting that he really is changing for the better.  I’m starting to believe him when he tells me he loves me, and I’m hopeful once more that we can make our marriage work.  We will be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary on the 5th of February and I’m excited to get away for a few days and just have some time alone with him.  We’ve literally spent half our lives together now, and both of us know that we can’t just throw all of that away.  I honestly just can’t picture my life without him, and I hope I never can.

So to my husband… aka, SW.  I have hope that we will make it, TTF…… ❤️  Love always, ~Me

 

You will always be my treasured friend…

~ ~M ~ 2 Comments

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I thought I’d lost someone today.  Someone who has filled a void in my heart, like nobody else ever has.  I can’t imagine going through the rest of my life without this sweet person.  They mean the world to me and have become my closest and most trusted confidant.  I have never had a friend quite like this particular one, and the thought of losing them left me feeling heartbroken. 

I tried to go about my day as usual, but eventually the tears erupted for the millionth time and I could no longer hold back how terrible I felt.  My hubby tried to console me, tried to reassure me that I hadn’t lost them.  And yet I’m still not quite sure where I stand. 

My daughter Autumn came up to me this morning and asked me what she should draw for art class.  Thinking about how happy this friend of mine has always made me feel, I told her to draw what makes her the happiest.  A little while later, she brought back this picture of me and her.  It was the sweetest gesture and a drawing I will always treasure, because happiness to her, means her and me together.   

Happiness is always about having those special people in our lives that mean the most to us.  We cannot even hope for anything better.  So to my dear friend C… If you by chance happen to read this.  You will always be a treasured friend to me and I love you as if you are part of my family.  I prayed my whole life for somebody like you, so please don’t ever forget how much you mean to me. 

 

Love, ~M  xoxo

The woes of everyday life…

~ ~M ~ 11 Comments

It was early New Year’s Eve morning.  A knock on my bedroom door, and a small little voice alerted me to the fact that something wasn’t quite right.  The little voice proceeded to make her way into the bedroom, and with a very firm and demanding tone she said, “Mommy, you need to take me to the doctors right now!”

I immediately flung myself out of the bed and ran to my littlest daughter.  I expected blood to be trailing off somewhere, maybe from a missing limb or a fractured skull.  Not seeing the cause for such an alarm, I asked her what was wrong.  She said, “Mommy, come here!  I’ll show you!”  In which she proceeded to drag me to the other side of the house and into the bathroom we went.  “See mommy look!  My poop is all big and messy and I had to sit in here for a whole hour!”

Her eyes were crazy and wild looking, as she seemed to have no concept or recollection of ever having diarrhea in her entire life.  I almost started to laugh, as her demanding little face pleaded with me to help her make some sense of this agonizing experience.  So I began to explain to this child of eight, that she just had a stomach bug, and that she would soon be better.  I ended up giving her some anti-diarrheal medicine, sat her in front of the television, and told her that no matter what, she was not to eat anything until her stomach righted itself.

Well since it was still so early, I decided to go back to bed and see if I could get a few more minutes of shut eye in before enduring further chaos.  Climbing back into bed, my husband proceeded to tell me that she had been throwing up several hours earlier.  I was completely shocked by his statement and I said, “What do you mean?  Where was I? And who cleaned everything up?  He just simply smiled and said, “I took care of it all, I didn’t want to wake you up.”

I was completely dumbfounded by the fact that I had not woken up and even more shocked that my husband had cleaned everything up by himself.  To imagine him enduring that grueling task all by himself, made me feel so very guilty for not being there, and blessed at the same time, for having a husband who would attend to such a mess himself.

Now that a week has passed, I was sure we had sailed that ship, and didn’t expect to see the boat return so quickly.  And yet unfortunately, there was another reoccurrence of the entire event last night.  Only this time, hubby was at work, and I was left to attend to my poor child who was squirting from both ends.

Of course I’ve told all of you before, Autumn is my happy child.  Always smiling, always thankful, and through it all, she was thanking me for helping her, and smiling up at me and snuggling next to me, once the squirting eventually stopped.  This time she seemed like she had a better handle on what was going on, and didn’t seem so eager to rush to the emergency room.

Fortunately, my daughter Autumn is rarely sick, and so the week before had been the very first time in her eight year old life that she had experienced any kind of a flu bug.  I’m guessing that nursing her for the first two years of her life, is the reason behind her incredible immunity to illness.  I nursed her the longest and it really has made a difference when I compare her to my other daughters and how often they were all sick.

Anyway, today I am thankful for a child who can still find something to smile about, despite having the stomach flu, and I am thankful for a husband who surprised me last week, and took on a task that most people would shudder to do.  This time around, I sure was missing his help, and I am so tired today because of being up all night.  Fortunately my daughter is feeling better once more, and I’m just hoping and praying that we don’t have another repeat of this in another week.

Hope all of you are having a fantastic week and starting the New Year off on the right foot.  Remember when things don’t go as planned, tomorrow is a new day.  A chance to start over, another opportunity to get over the many hurdles, and carry on with God’s plan for your life.  It may not always be rosy, and you may face a few battles.  Just don’t ever give up!  Love you guys so much.  Hang in there, the weekend is finally here!  ~M xoxo

Dear Santa…

~ ~M ~ 12 Comments

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Dear Santa,

Everyone is starting to tell me that you aren’t really real.  But Santa, I want you to know that I still believe in you.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that the Santa at the mall isn’t really you, but actually just one of your many helpers.  Yet I know you really must exist, because my mom told me that you’re best friends with God, and I know she wouldn’t lie.  God seems really far away, and I’m not quite sure he actually hears me sometimes.  So Santa, could you please give him a message for me?  This Christmas, all I want is for all the sick people in the world to be healed and for everyone to be happy.  Even if it’s just for one day.  So could you please ask him for me?  I wrote him a letter last year, and I don’t think he got it, as it is still on my window sill.  I know it’s a lot to ask, but it’s really all I want.  Thanks Santa, you’re the best!

Love,

Michelle (8 Yrs. old)

I was recently challenged to write a letter to Santa, after I challenged my friend Paul to do the same thing.  You can read his letter here.  The letter above was based on a memory I have, of writing a letter to God when I was a little girl.  I wish I still had that letter, it would be so much fun to read now.  Anyway, hope you are all having a wonderful holiday season, and I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas!  And don’t forget the true reason why we celebrate.  Love you guys!  ~M  xoxo

Him vs. Her – Is this for real?

~ ~M ~ 12 Comments

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It’s been awhile since I wrote a Him vs. Her, and there’s been a few things that I’ve wanted to share, so here goes…

As I’ve spoken of in recent days, hubby and I have been having quite a bit of trouble getting through these past two years.  We’re coming up on 23 years of marriage in February and although things haven’t been the best, I see a ton of progress being made in our relationship.

One thing that has recently changed, is the fact that hubby began to ask himself why we weren’t connecting the way we ought to be.  He started praying about a lot of things that he had been struggling with, and asking God to show him where he was going wrong.

One morning he suddenly woke up, and announced to me that he was no longer going to be the man that just let life pass him by.  He vowed to encourage me in my own faith, to stop withholding his love from me, and promised to become the man that I deserve.

I was quite taken back from his sudden change of heart.  I truly wondered if he was serious.  After so many years of me feeling rejected and unloved by him, I wondered why he wanted to change now.  I was actually a bit angry at first, and wondered why he waited almost 23 years to change his tune and be the man that I had always hoped he would be.

It’s been about a month now, and my head is still spinning from the changes that I see in him.  I still have my doubts that things will stay this way and I am unsure of how to act sometimes, because I had gotten so used to feeling as if I didn’t matter to him.  I felt ignored, unimportant, and very unhappy most of the time.

So now confusion is setting in.  I keep asking myself… Is this real?  Will this last? And do I really want to give him a chance to fix what’s been broken for so long?  My stubborn side tells me not to give in; warns me that he had his chance, and reminds me that my heart has since moved on.  And yet the part of me that has never stopped loving him, tells me to forgive and forget; to let go of the past and move forward, because obviously God has taken his heart and changed it for the good.

I feel vulnerable in accepting the possibility that he really has changed.  I feel like I could wake up tomorrow and be taken for granted once again.  I don’t think I can handle another 23 years of feeling that way and I’m almost fearful of being blindsided and letting that happen again.

I have become stronger in these last two years.  Learning to be more independent of him because he wasn’t always there, and quite honestly, I grew to love the freedom of being alone, because it meant that I didn’t have to continue feeling rejected by him.  I used writing as my escape and felt like I didn’t need him anymore.

So now, I have a choice to make.  I am struggling every day to either accept this unexpected gift that apparently God has given me, or throw it all away because I’m stubborn and tired of trying.  It sounds like an easy choice, and yet I’m fighting against my own will to keep myself from getting hurt.  My heart just won’t let me forget all the suffering and the pain, which plagued me for so long.  And yet I know what I must do.

In recent days, I have been blessed with loving words of affirmation, by my husband who is trying so very hard to make things right.  Tonight I spent some time going through all the notes that he’s been leaving for me over the past month, and I affixed them to the tree that I painted on my office wall.  I decided that I needed these loving reminders, to help me move forward.  I need to forget the years of bad memories and replace them with the good ones that we are finally making together.  I think I may eventually win this battle after all.