For the last two years now, I have been very unsure about the future of my marriage. The past sort of caught up with my husband and the present sort of caught up with me. Needless to say, we were both at fault in different ways. About four months ago, I had finally gotten to the point where I decided I was tired of trying. In my mind, I just sort of gave up and decided it was time to figure out plan B. I started picturing my life without him. Wondering what I would do apart from him and where I would go. We still have two children at home, so that was of course another concern of mine. What would happen to them if we split up, how would we work it all out? And yet I could never actually see us getting to the point of divorce. I really couldn’t even fathom the idea of such a drastic decision.
After admitting to my husband that I didn’t think I could continue on the way things were, he in turn seemed to agree. And yet divorce was the furthest thing from his mind. His immediate response was to somehow fix what was broken in our marriage and strengthen the parts which looked salvageable. For four months now, he has been trying very hard to turn things around. I have to admit, I haven’t made things easy. I have fought him every bit of the way, by not really believing any of what he’s been saying. After years of empty promises, I didn’t want to allow myself to be tricked again.
His first response was to begin by writing me poetry; which is something he had never done in his entire life. I remember reading the words he wrote during those first few months and thinking to myself… “He can’t really mean any of this.” I thought… “This is just another one of his schemes to make me believe him, but it’s not going to last.” Over the years he would say he would try harder, but there was never any long lasting changes to support his efforts. It was mostly just cheap talk and I knew I didn’t want to fall for that again. I was finally ready to move on and I didn’t want to get sucked back into a life of false hopes.
Well it’s been four months now since he’s started blogging. And I think the turning point for me was when he wrote this… Heart of Sadness. Since then, I have begun to believe that he is truly being sincere. He finally seems to understand and acknowledge how I’ve been feeling. We tell each other everything, but I had often wondered if he was really hearing me. I wasn’t sure if he understood that I didn’t feel the same kind of love for him anymore. I wondered if he could live with that fact, or if it would ultimately destroy our marriage. Yet the more we talked, the more I knew he understood, and he told me very sweetly that he just wanted me to be happy.
I suppose because he isn’t demanding my love, I am slowly finding my way back to him. We have been making immense progress, and I am finally accepting that he really is changing for the better. I’m starting to believe him when he tells me he loves me, and I’m hopeful once more that we can make our marriage work. We will be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary on the 5th of February and I’m excited to get away for a few days and just have some time alone with him. We’ve literally spent half our lives together now, and both of us know that we can’t just throw all of that away. I honestly just can’t picture my life without him, and I hope I never can.
So to my husband… aka, SW. I have hope that we will make it, TTF…… ❤️ Love always, ~Me