Forever…

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“If I can find you in my thoughts and keep you close that way, I can hold you forever.”  ~M


Photo Credit: Pixabay.com

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Katy Perry – Wide Awake

“Wide Awake”

I’m wide awake [2x]

(I’m wide awake)
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
(I’m wide awake)
How did I read the stars so wrong?

(I’m wide awake)
And now it’s clear to me
That everything you see
Ain’t always what it seems
(I’m wide awake)
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
‘Til I woke up on—
On the concrete

Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight
Yeah, I’m falling from cloud nine

(I’m wide awake)
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
(I’m wide awake)
Need nothing to complete myself, no

(I’m wide awake)
Yeah, I am born again
Out of the lion’s den
I don’t have to pretend
(And it’s too late)
The story’s over now, the end

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
‘Til I woke up on—
On the concrete

Falling from cloud nine
(It was out of the blue)
I’m crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight
(Yeah, I’m letting you go)
I’m falling from cloud nine

(I’m wide awake)
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
(I’m wide awake)
I am trying to hold on

(I’m wide awake)
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
(I’m wide awake)
I’m not blind anymore

I’m wide awake [2x]

Yeah, I’m falling from cloud nine
(It was out of the blue)
Crashing from the high
You know I’m letting go tonight
(Yeah, I’m letting you go)
I’m falling from cloud nine

I’m wide awake [5x]

#weekendcoffeeshare – Loss of a friend

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If we were having coffee, I’d tell you how very sad I’ve been feeling over the past couple of weeks.  It’s been a very tough month for me, and I’m living with so many unanswered questions.

Near the beginning of the month, I lost my closest friend.  I haven’t dealt with it very well, but I’m trying my best to let go.  For whatever reason, my friend decided to move on without telling me they were leaving.

I think the hardest part for me, is not knowing why; and I know I never will.  The reason I know I never will, is because I dreamt of them leaving.  It was a fairly recent dream, one I dreamt a few weeks before they disappeared.  I didn’t understand the meaning then, but of course I do now.  I cannot even fathom why they left, especially without saying goodbye; other than maybe they just had no other choice.

I admit at first, I was angry and hurt, and I vowed to myself that I would never trust another person again.  And yes my guard is still up, but I did allow myself to visit with a woman who lives nearby, and it did help to speak with her. I poured my heart out to her and she listened.  She eventually told me it was probably for the better; and even though I hesitate to agree with her, in the back of my mind, I know she’s probably right.

So as hard as it is to live with this sense of loss and pain in my heart, I know I will eventually be okay.  Every day that passes, is another day to find other things to be happy about; and to try and find contentment, even in the monotony of everyday life.

I have never been a quitter, and so I will not give up trying to find a positive light, even in this.  The Lord knows my path better than me, and so I have to ultimately give all of this to him, and let him show me where I should go from here.


Find other weekend coffee share posters here.

Photo credit: pixabay.com

Incredibly blessed

As I was heading out from dropping my daughter off at church tonight for Awana, someone stopped me to tell me how well-behaved my daughter always is.  It’s so good to hear that your child is well liked by others and acting appropriately when they are away from you.  And honestly, I am not surprised by the comment that was made.  My daughter Autumn is 8 years old, and one of the happiest children that I have ever met. 

She is always smiling, and loves to surround herself with people.  It makes it very hard to home school her at times, for I fear that she isn’t getting the social interaction that she requires.  And yet by being home schooled, I think it has helped her to stay so well adjusted.  She doesn’t have to deal with the kids on the playground calling her names and she doesn’t have to worry about fitting in.  She is so happy here at home, that I often wonder what a public school might do to her sweet spirit. 

I myself, grew up going to a public school, and I learned from an early age to be very wary of the kids around me.  Most of my classmates were affiliated with different gangs in the area, and most would insist that I choose a side.  Weapons were routinely brought to school and passed around, which made me feel very unsafe and ill prepared for whatever situation I might be forced into.  I felt like an outsider most of the time, since I was one of the few Caucasian girls in my class.  It made such a difference, because so often I couldn’t speak their language, and so even if I had wanted to, I couldn’t interact with the majority of the kids around me.

I also grew up in a very poor area of town, and so even during the day, it was dangerous to walk the streets alone.  My mother kept me very sheltered because of it, and I wasn’t allowed to do much of anything or go anywhere, because my mother feared what might happen to me if she let me out of her sight for even a minute.

Now that I have my own four girls, I don’t blame my mother for being so overprotective, but I do wish she had been a little less stringent, and perhaps allowed me a bit more freedom than she did.  But who knows… by doing that, something terrible could have happened to me, and so I have to believe that she did the best she could, and her over protectiveness probably benefited me in ways, in which I will never fully understand.

On the way home tonight, I couldn’t stop thinking about the comment made about my daughter, and I began to wonder what life would have been like, had Autumn’s twin been born as well.  I don’t bring it up very often, but I had a miscarriage early on in my pregnancy with her, and another miscarriage the year prior. 

As I think back to that time in my life, I still feel so much grief over losing them.  I often sit and wonder about each one; what their personalities would have been like, their potential likes and dislikes, how they would have looked, etc…. And I find myself daydreaming, about how different my life would be now, had they both been born. 

It still breaks my heart, knowing that I will never be able to hold either one of them in my arms and rock them to sleep, or sing them a lullaby before tucking them into bed.  And when I see my daughter Autumn’s bright smiling face, I just want to wrap my arms around her and never let her go.  She is such an amazing blessing to me, as are my other three girls. So today, I just want to say how thankful I am, for the children I do have, and for the loving personalities of each one.  I feel amazingly blessed.