Tag: pain

Saying goodbye…

~ ~M

This is a really tough day for me and I hardly know where to begin.  I have been struggling with so many issues over the past couple of years and last night they all came crashing down on me.  Right now, I feel hopeless, lost, and completely out of sorts.  I have been doing everything in my own power, trying to hold on to the tiniest bit of hope, and yet that last bit of hope finally escaped my grip last night and I wanted to completely give up.

I wanted to give up everything and I wanted to forget everyone.  As the night progressed, I finally just spilled everything I had been holding onto for so long.  All the pain that’s been bottled up inside of me, all the disappointment, all the regrets.  All of it came out and my heart felt like it shattered into a million pieces.

Still today, there does not seem to be any relief after all that was discussed.  Everything is still a complete mess and I can’t imagine how any of it will ever be resolved.  The hurts run too deep, the pain seems to be more than I can bear, and I don’t feel like I will ever recover.  I have alienated too many people from my life, tried to forget everyone and everything for so long now.   And because of it, I feel like I am left with this huge hole in my heart.

In the process of trying to forget everyone, I seem to have forgotten who I am too.  I feel as if I can’t change any of this and cannot seem to mend what’s been broken.  I have allowed things to go too far, to get too out of control and my health is declining as well, which I know is completely my fault.

I have debated for months now as to what I should do, and after last night and just how close I was to giving up completely, I feel like I need a break to figure things out.  As hard as this is, I have decided to give up blogging.  I am not sure if this will be permanent or temporary, my brain can’t think that far ahead.  But for now, I just need to get my head and my heart in sync with one another and figure things out.

I am closing comments on my blog and may be deleting my social media accounts as well.  I will leave my blog up for now, but may remove it in the future.  I wish the best to all of you and I hope that you will be happy in your lives and always put God first.  Without Him we are nothing, and you will go down this barren road like I am right now if you don’t put your hope and trust in Him alone.

Love you all so much and I will really miss you.  ~M  xo

Writing Prompt: Hidden Conflict Discovered in Everyday Routine

~ ~M ~ 3 Comments

old-lady-wheel-chair-ballerina

He looked over at his alarm clock and groaned; 5:00 a.m. was way too early for a regular person to be up, let alone someone who just happened to be missing both of his legs. He slowly propped himself up against his pillows and maneuvered his body so that he was facing the left side of the bed. An old tattered wheelchair sat just inches away. With a heavy sigh, he used his muscular arms to lift his entire body off of the bed. He hovered for a second over the wheelchair, being careful to center his body over the seat. With a grunt, and a few other choice words, he lowered himself into the chair and began the process of fastening the straps so that he wouldn’t accidentally fall out. Once he was strapped in, he reached for his artificial legs. They were heavy, and even though he had gained most of his strength back in his arms, he was still a bit clumsy when trying to attach them to what was left of his real legs. One at a time, he attached the artificial legs. First came the protective cloth which protected his legs from rubbing against the hard plastic base. Next came the numerous adjustments and straps to set everything into place so that he was sure he wouldn’t fall over once he attempted to stand. The clock read 6:00 a.m. He was finally ready to attempt to stand. He planted both artificial legs firmly into the carpet and grabbed the arms of his wheelchair with a firm grasp. The pain was intense at first. He held his breath to try to fight back the searing pain. His eyes began to water as he tried to stand. Once he was fully standing, he felt dizzy and fought the urge to slouch back down into his wheelchair. His determination did not waver though and he tried with all his might to take just one tiny step. This morning was not going to be easy though, because as he took that first step, the rest of his body seemed to have other plans for him. He immediately lost his balance and fell to the floor with a loud thud. Tears stung his eyes and he cussed under his breath. He laid on the floor for a while, trying to regain his strength. He heaved his heavy body off the floor using all the strength he could surmise and proceeded to grab for his wheelchair once again. It was now 7:00 a.m.