“I often feel guilty for being happy.” ~M

I was once given a death threat by a roommate of mine, who claimed that I was too happy.  She threatened to slit my throat while I slept, because she said I was way too happy all the time.  For some reason my happiness really bothered her.

After spending months in the same room with this girl, she was finally taken forcefully from the barracks, and transported to a psychiatric ward.  She was found to have knives strapped to her thighs, and a suicide letter next to her bed.

I have found it hard to be happy in front of people since that day.  I feel that somehow my happiness only seems to bring others down, who are not experiencing the same joy in their own lives.  Maybe there is still a part of me that fears what may happen, if perhaps I am too joyful around others.  Regardless, I am very cautious now and I doubt that will ever change.

It’s so sad to me, that we live in a world where even our own happiness can be threatening to others who long to be happy themselves.  I wish I didn’t have to feel guilty for being happy as often as I do.  I suppose this is another reason why I find myself wanting to be alone so often.  Secluding myself from others, means that I will never have to hurt them.

Life is so difficult at times, this is just another example of why I feel like I can never fully be myself around others.  It’s a sad state we live in, when we cannot even show our own happiness.

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