Where does it come from?

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“Love comes from deep within our hearts, and it’s really just an extension of God’s love for us when we choose to share it with others.” ~M


Photo credit: Pixabay.com

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Dreams…

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“I’ve been noticing lately, that dreams are really nothing more than a reality just waiting to happen.  So regardless of whether they’re good or bad, one must always be prepared.”  ~M


Photo credit: pixabay.com

Katy Perry – Wide Awake

“Wide Awake”

I’m wide awake [2x]

(I’m wide awake)
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
(I’m wide awake)
How did I read the stars so wrong?

(I’m wide awake)
And now it’s clear to me
That everything you see
Ain’t always what it seems
(I’m wide awake)
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
‘Til I woke up on—
On the concrete

Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight
Yeah, I’m falling from cloud nine

(I’m wide awake)
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
(I’m wide awake)
Need nothing to complete myself, no

(I’m wide awake)
Yeah, I am born again
Out of the lion’s den
I don’t have to pretend
(And it’s too late)
The story’s over now, the end

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
‘Til I woke up on—
On the concrete

Falling from cloud nine
(It was out of the blue)
I’m crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight
(Yeah, I’m letting you go)
I’m falling from cloud nine

(I’m wide awake)
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
(I’m wide awake)
I am trying to hold on

(I’m wide awake)
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
(I’m wide awake)
I’m not blind anymore

I’m wide awake [2x]

Yeah, I’m falling from cloud nine
(It was out of the blue)
Crashing from the high
You know I’m letting go tonight
(Yeah, I’m letting you go)
I’m falling from cloud nine

I’m wide awake [5x]

#MidnightMadness – 3/17/2017

This just popped up on my Facebook page a few days ago.  It’s a memory from three years ago.  I still remember this like it was yesterday.  Still makes me laugh!

March 9, 2014 –

Well, my day was full of a few laughs… Hubby thought he was bleeding to death from a giant hole on the bottom of his foot, when he realized in actuality, that it was only a smashed chocolate chip which he had somehow stepped on.

Then, our daughter Autumn came home from church with a smiley faced toy they had given her.  She took one look at it and said… “This thing doesn’t even have a nose on its face…  idiots!”  I guess the manufacturer of that particular toy, just cannot impress this 5 yr old one bit!  Now I’m off to bed, goodnight all!  ~M

 

 

Leaving the past behind…

Happy New Year!

Leaving behind 2016 is a welcome relief for me.  I would say it was probably one of the worst years of my life, and yet in the midst of the ugliness of it all, there were countless blessings that came out of it.  So looking back, I wouldn’t want 2016 to go any differently than it did.  I realize the pain and heartache had to come, in order for the renewal and blessings to be fulfilled.

I suffered severe depression over the past year, and tried to hide it from my family and friends.  I prayed countless times that God would take me from this world and allow me to escape the suffering which I felt I could no longer face.  I ended up with what doctors thought was perhaps a cancerous tumor.  I thought this is it, this is what I prayed for, and this is how I will die.

Then reality hit me and I thought to myself, what have I been doing?  Why have I been praying to leave my family who obviously needs me right now?  My girls had both announced that they were getting married, and my two youngest were still being home schooled by me.  I felt so selfish and such guilt for asking for such a terrible thing.  I knew I deserved whatever happened to me at that point, and I believe I still do depending on what happens in the future.

For now, my doctors believe that I am fine.  The results of all of my tests look good.  I am supposed to go back this February to have all of the tests repeated to confirm everything is still good.  I am at the point where I don’t even want to have those tests repeated.  I feel good and I just don’t see the need to go through everything again.  I have yet to decide what I will do.

While going through the cancer scare, I felt like I was going through it alone.  I didn’t feel the comfort and love from my husband that I really needed, and because of that, I ended up resenting him even more than I already did.  We had been through so much the year prior and nothing had been resolved.  I thought here’s the time I need you most, and you still aren’t here for me.  I felt like nobody was really there.  Yes, I was having my own little pity party, even though I had prayed for it to happen.  I wonder why we do these things to ourselves.  I look back and shake my head; because realistically, I only had myself to blame.

I think I spent most of 2016, just trying to figure out how to change my frame of mind.  I was tired of being unhappy, tired of being in a marriage where I didn’t feel loved, tired of not having any real friends, and mostly tired of feeling lonely.  I tried to relay how I was feeling to my husband on countless occasions, but it didn’t really sink in until September, when he found a poem I had written about how I didn’t love him anymore.  It was then that things began to change.

Finally, all of the words that I had been saying, all of the tears I had been crying, and all of the resentment that I had toward him, became apparent to him.  It was at that point, that I knew I couldn’t stay any longer.  I was ready to leave, and I was fully prepared for him to let me.  What I was not prepared for, was what happened next.  Instead of pushing me away after I spilled my heart out to him and confessed all of the terrible things I had been doing because I had been so lonely; my husband did quite the opposite, he forgave me… it was instantaneous.

He forgave me and vowed to be a better husband to me.  He blamed himself for the things that I had done to him, and said it was his fault for not being there for me.  He apologized over and over and begged me to stay.  He broke down and cried and told me that he would change.  I sat there in complete disbelief.  I wondered why he would want to stay with me now and wondered where his motivation was coming from.  I thought maybe he just didn’t want to lose me because I’m good at things, like cooking and cleaning, and taking care of the kids.  He hadn’t seemed to want much to do with me before I confessed how terrible I had been to him, so why would he want me now?

I’ve spent the last four months, wondering if his love for me is really real.  I’ve been confused about his true intentions and why he would take me back now, after I confided in him that my heart was someplace else.  He has spent the last four months reminding me every single day, of how much he loves me and how much he wants me back.  I have been resistant at times.  Hesitant to believe what he is really saying, and wondering if it will last.  Somedays I feel convinced that he really does mean what he’s saying and somedays I still have my doubts.

I thought I had forgiven him for the things he had done to me and some things that affected our daughters.  But apparently I was wrong.  I had never really forgiven him, and because of this, I just couldn’t accept his love when he was finally ready to express it to me.  I am still struggling, but really wanting to work things out.  I suppose I never really stopped loving him, but I hated the man that he had become.  Now I am left with a completely different person.  Somebody whom I hardly even recognize.  I keep thinking that I will wake up one day and this whole new him will be nothing but a passing dream.  I want so much to accept what he is telling me each and every day.  I want to love him and I know I can’t live without having somebody by my side.  Love is the most important thing to me in life.

So now that 2017 is here, I have decided to take the advice of one of my dear friends, and jump back in with both feet.  I want to try and mend what has been broken, and hopefully be able to fully let go of the past hurts and regain the love for my husband that he deserves.  We have all made terrible mistakes in life.  I need to finally forgive him the way God already has.  My own daughter even told me before she got married this year, she said to me… “Mom, Dad really loves you and he isn’t the same man he used to be.  He is a good father to us girls and he needs you.  So please forgive him and leave the past behind.”  Her words have haunted me since that very day, and I know I need to take her advice and leave the past behind.

The enemy has already tried to discourage me from doing that.  Even in the last couple of days, there have been things that have occurred, which have been reminders of the pain which I am so desperately trying to forget.  I know I can’t let that happen, and I pray that God will just be my protector and keep me from the things which I’ve faced over the last couple of years.  I know the only way I will sort everything out, is with his mercy and love covering me in every single aspect of my life.

I feel so blessed to have two daughters, who have both married within the last two months, and I am really looking forward to this new year and all that the Lord has in store for me and my family.  Despite the many tears and frustrations, I have much to be thankful for.  I believe that no matter what we are facing, there are still so many things that we can be grateful for in our lives.  We just have to look at the complete picture and consider the glass half full instead of half empty.  Many blessings to all of you for the coming year.  It’s a time to start anew and find the happiness that awaits each and every one of us!

Much love,

~M

 

 

Twenty-five things I learned in 2016…

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With the New Year approaching, I started thinking about the list of things I learned in 2015, and thought I should do another list for this year as well.  So without further ado… here’s what I came up with.

 

Twenty-five things I’ve learned over the past year.

I’ve learned…

1.) How important it is to set aside time to read.

2.) To just be myself and not worry what others might think about me.

3.) Not to hold anything back when it comes to love.

4.) That random acts of kindness are good for the soul.

5.) To never give up on someone.

6.) That my girls really are as crazy as I am.

7.) That I enjoy macaroni and cheese entirely too much.

8.) To be more understanding.

9.) That going to the gym isn’t entirely overrated.

10.) That I enjoy having time alone.

11.) What it feels like to be told that you may have cancer.

12.) How hard it is to recover from loneliness.

13.) Not to push people beyond what they are comfortable with.

14.) That I have a heart for people who need to be cared for.

15.) That I like to have plenty of time to plan ahead.

16.) How having a brightly painted room, can completely altar one’s perspective.

17.) How much I love homemade chai tea.

18.) How girly I really am.

19.) That my house can be messy and I don’t really care.

20.) How a single note both good or bad can affect my entire day.

21.) How quiet my house really is with only two daughters living here instead of four.

22.) That I can’t eat tomatoes or anything spicy anymore without consequences.

23.) That really good job opportunities are extremely rare nowadays.

24.) How in just a few short months, my daughters can be married and gone.

25.) The importance of a true and trusted friend.

 

How about you?  What have you learned over this past year or over the course of your lifetime?


Gif credit: happynewyear2017facebook.com

Him vs. Her – Is this for real?

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It’s been awhile since I wrote a Him vs. Her, and there’s been a few things that I’ve wanted to share, so here goes…

As I’ve spoken of in recent days, hubby and I have been having quite a bit of trouble getting through these past two years.  We’re coming up on 23 years of marriage in February and although things haven’t been the best, I see a ton of progress being made in our relationship.

One thing that has recently changed, is the fact that hubby began to ask himself why we weren’t connecting the way we ought to be.  He started praying about a lot of things that he had been struggling with, and asking God to show him where he was going wrong.

One morning he suddenly woke up, and announced to me that he was no longer going to be the man that just let life pass him by.  He vowed to encourage me in my own faith, to stop withholding his love from me, and promised to become the man that I deserve.

I was quite taken back from his sudden change of heart.  I truly wondered if he was serious.  After so many years of me feeling rejected and unloved by him, I wondered why he wanted to change now.  I was actually a bit angry at first, and wondered why he waited almost 23 years to change his tune and be the man that I had always hoped he would be.

It’s been about a month now, and my head is still spinning from the changes that I see in him.  I still have my doubts that things will stay this way and I am unsure of how to act sometimes, because I had gotten so used to feeling as if I didn’t matter to him.  I felt ignored, unimportant, and very unhappy most of the time.

So now confusion is setting in.  I keep asking myself… Is this real?  Will this last? And do I really want to give him a chance to fix what’s been broken for so long?  My stubborn side tells me not to give in; warns me that he had his chance, and reminds me that my heart has since moved on.  And yet the part of me that has never stopped loving him, tells me to forgive and forget; to let go of the past and move forward, because obviously God has taken his heart and changed it for the good.

I feel vulnerable in accepting the possibility that he really has changed.  I feel like I could wake up tomorrow and be taken for granted once again.  I don’t think I can handle another 23 years of feeling that way and I’m almost fearful of being blindsided and letting that happen again.

I have become stronger in these last two years.  Learning to be more independent of him because he wasn’t always there, and quite honestly, I grew to love the freedom of being alone, because it meant that I didn’t have to continue feeling rejected by him.  I used writing as my escape and felt like I didn’t need him anymore.

So now, I have a choice to make.  I am struggling every day to either accept this unexpected gift that apparently God has given me, or throw it all away because I’m stubborn and tired of trying.  It sounds like an easy choice, and yet I’m fighting against my own will to keep myself from getting hurt.  My heart just won’t let me forget all the suffering and the pain, which plagued me for so long.  And yet I know what I must do.

In recent days, I have been blessed with loving words of affirmation, by my husband who is trying so very hard to make things right.  Tonight I spent some time going through all the notes that he’s been leaving for me over the past month, and I affixed them to the tree that I painted on my office wall.  I decided that I needed these loving reminders, to help me move forward.  I need to forget the years of bad memories and replace them with the good ones that we are finally making together.  I think I may eventually win this battle after all.