The new normal?

Empty Walmart

It feels like we’re heading into a new normal. I’ve been on vacation, and as I watch my girls play in the pool, I wonder how long it will be, before even this sort of activity is no longer allowed. It’s sort of a scary thought. Everything we’ve known for such a long time is suddenly changing. Is this our new reality? Everything is closing; people are in a panic at the stores to buy basic necessities. The malls, movie theaters, restaurants, and sports facilities have all become like ghost towns. We never prepared ourselves for such things. And now I feel like one of the few who isn’t ready for the next wave of whatever is coming.

I’m not worried about the virus. I’m healthy for my age, and my girls are young enough that this won’t likely hinder them at all. But what I am worried about is the bigger picture ― the mass chaos, the wars which could break out, and the ones that already are. And I’m concerned that people will foolishly do things to harm other people. This world is already a scary place sometimes, but this seems to go beyond anything I’ve ever known or seen. The real threat isn’t the virus, but instead the human response to the virus, this is what scares me the most, and this is what I fear will be our biggest downfall.

How can I forget?

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I’ve got the past, present, and future all on my mind today. I keep trying to overcome the past, but the present just won’t let me forget, which makes the future look like it’ll just be more of the same. And I’m so tired of thinking about the past. Most days, I wish that somehow I could forget everything, and then perhaps I could overcome and heal from the things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. But no matter what I do, or what I try, I can’t forget the hurts, the struggles, and the reality of my life. I still think that it’s possible to overcome the past, but I think in order to do that, I need to face those issues head-on and stop sweeping them under the rug.

I’ve been on WordPress for five years now, and I have made some amazing friends, but the majority of you don’t really know me. I have been a closed book for a very long time, and that is mainly because I’ve been trying to protect my family and friends from knowing what’s really been going on. Sometimes I feel like it makes things worse to be open and honest with the ones you love. I think most people would say that some things should never be talked about because they are just too hard for most people to handle. But because I’ve been keeping things bottled up, I feel like I’m almost at my breaking point now. I’ve been mostly dealing with everything on my own, with very little support from anyone except a few close friends. And I feel like I don’t even want to tell my close friends everything because I don’t like overwhelming people with my problems. Everyone already has enough to deal with in their own lives, and I don’t want to be the kind of friend who heaps on more. I think this is why I’ve alienated nearly everyone from my life. I’ve been afraid that if I stayed close to anyone, that I might accidentally explode and reveal all of the things that I’ve been trying to work through.

After thinking things over while I was on vacation this month, I feel like I am only doing myself an injustice by not saying anything, and I’m on the verge of baring my heart and soul to everyone. I know I have already lost the majority of the connections with my family and friends, and so I don’t think I could do any more damage than I already have. But at the same time, I am still trying to protect my immediate family from some very damaging issues. I’ve been wanting to see a counselor, and discuss some of these issues there, but I’ve tried to find someone in the past, and our insurance wouldn’t cover the cost of those visits. So I’m sort of in a weird dilemma right now. I feel like I need to start talking about all the things that I should have addressed years ago. I think talking about them, and getting them out in the open is the only way to fix anything. I’m still not sure if writing about all of this on my blog is the best approach, but I need to do something; I just wish I knew what to do.

~M

Where did my heart go?

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I feel like my heart isn’t in anything right now; I don’t want to do anything; I don’t want to go anywhere;  and least of all, I don’t want to socialize.  People are reaching out, trying to ask me if I’m ok, and to most, I can’t even respond.  I keep asking myself, “What kind of person am I?”  That I can’t even respond to a simple email, phone call, or text message.

I sort of feel like I’m floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean, and there is nothing for as far as the eye can see.  And I want to be here; out of reach of most anyone or anything.  I’m alone without a plan as to where I’m going, and I just don’t care.  I don’t want to do anything else, except for simply float peacefully along, and leave everything else behind.

I don’t think I’ve ever isolated myself as much as I am right now.  And there are times when I question why I’m doing this.  But I feel like I need it.  The quiet has been soothing to my soul.  I’m loving the peace of not having to talk to anyone, to explain myself, to share all the horrible ugly things that I’m so often dealing with.  I don’t want to talk about any of it because then it becomes real.  And I can’t deal with the reality of the things that I know I will eventually need to face.  I just don’t want to right now.

The funniest thing is, I start a social media communications class next week.  It’s a requirement for my major and one of the last general education classes that I still need.  40% of my grade will be the discussions I have with other students.  So much for being anti-social!  Lol.  At least I don’t have to talk about my personal life, but still…

Anyway, so here I am, floating along.  It’s rather calm at the moment, but that usually means there’s a storm brewing on the horizon.  And even though I can’t see it, I’m sort of securing myself to the raft right now; bracing myself for what’s to come.  I just hope the storm passes quickly if and when it finally does arrive.

Katy Perry – Wide Awake

“Wide Awake”

I’m wide awake [2x]

(I’m wide awake)
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
(I’m wide awake)
How did I read the stars so wrong?

(I’m wide awake)
And now it’s clear to me
That everything you see
Ain’t always what it seems
(I’m wide awake)
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
‘Til I woke up on—
On the concrete

Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight
Yeah, I’m falling from cloud nine

(I’m wide awake)
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
(I’m wide awake)
Need nothing to complete myself, no

(I’m wide awake)
Yeah, I am born again
Out of the lion’s den
I don’t have to pretend
(And it’s too late)
The story’s over now, the end

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn’t dive in
Wouldn’t bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
‘Til I woke up on—
On the concrete

Falling from cloud nine
(It was out of the blue)
I’m crashing from the high
I’m letting go tonight
(Yeah, I’m letting you go)
I’m falling from cloud nine

(I’m wide awake)
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
(I’m wide awake)
I am trying to hold on

(I’m wide awake)
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
(I’m wide awake)
I’m not blind anymore

I’m wide awake [2x]

Yeah, I’m falling from cloud nine
(It was out of the blue)
Crashing from the high
You know I’m letting go tonight
(Yeah, I’m letting you go)
I’m falling from cloud nine

I’m wide awake [5x]

#MidnightMadness – 3/17/2017

This just popped up on my Facebook page a few days ago.  It’s a memory from three years ago.  I still remember this like it was yesterday.  Still makes me laugh!

March 9, 2014 –

Well, my day was full of a few laughs… Hubby thought he was bleeding to death from a giant hole on the bottom of his foot, when he realized in actuality, that it was only a smashed chocolate chip which he had somehow stepped on.

Then, our daughter Autumn came home from church with a smiley faced toy they had given her.  She took one look at it and said… “This thing doesn’t even have a nose on its face…  idiots!”  I guess the manufacturer of that particular toy, just cannot impress this 5 yr old one bit!  Now I’m off to bed, goodnight all!  ~M