Silence…

relax-569318_1280 (1)

“Silence… it speaks to no one and yet says so much.”  ~M


Photo credit: Pixabay.com

Advertisements

Even in this…

time-4331729_1280

“And even in this, there’s good… How else can anyone truly appreciate the abundant blessings in life, unless they are eventually taken away? You appreciate them all the more when you have them again.” ~M


Photo credit: Pixabay.com

For them…

woman-2609115_1280

The sudden silence is what gets to me most, every time he leaves.  Then my chest starts to tighten, and the tears begin to well up, and at that point, I know I’m done for.  There’s no holding back the flood of emotions no matter how hard I try.  I bury my face in my hands, trying so hard to hide the pain that’s gushing out through every inch of my being.

I can’t let anyone know how much this hurts, how lost I am, how much I don’t even want to do life anymore because I’m always feeling so alone.  Five minutes have passed, and I’m wiping the evidence away.  Putting on my brave soldier face once more, shrugging my shoulders and getting a grip just the way I’ve been taught.  I cannot cry, I can’t let anyone know that I’m weak, and I can’t ever confess to anyone that sometimes I’d rather be six feet under than endure another day alone.

There are little people counting on me, babies that need protecting, loved, and cared for.  And this is why I bury all of it, deep inside where nobody can see. If anyone ever found out what I was really thinking, what would they do?  What would they say?  So I fight through it, the let downs, the misery, the feelings of loneliness and despair.  And I put on a happy face because that makes everyone else feel better when I do that.  They need me to be happy, and I can’t let them down.  I’ve got to hold it together, for them…

 

Morning thoughts

sunrise-1615892_1280

I woke up feeling better about things today. I think I’m starting to realize that I’m holding on to too much from my past. It’s hard though when you suddenly get a reminder of past wrongs. I can forget all the past hurts for a while, but then they seem to crop up again. A few weeks ago, I was triggered by a family member, and since then, I feel like I can’t move past what they did. And what they did, made me feel like I no longer matter to them. It feels like they’re trying to erase me from their life.

I’ve been trying to let it go, trying to rationalize why they did it. Some people just don’t even realize that they’ve hurt someone. I would like to think that they weren’t intentionally trying to hurt me, but in the back of my mind, I just can’t shake the feeling that they were. I’m at the point now, where I would rather not care one way or the other. But I do care because it’s someone I’ve known my whole life.

It’s been good for me to be off social media. I think it was the best idea I’ve ever had. There were so many reasons why I finally broke free of it, but I think one of the biggest reasons I left, was because I was constantly being reminded of how I don’t really fit into my families lives anymore. They all live so far away, and I’m no longer a part of all they do on a daily basis. It often causes me to resent my own husband, for leaving me secluded like I am, away from everyone. But then I wonder, am I better off anyway? Perhaps it’s saving me from all the drama that comes from family relationships. And I agreed to all of this, so I shouldn’t be blaming anyone for how I feel.  Maybe it’s just better it all turned out like this. I don’t really know for sure, and I doubt I ever will. So for now, I think I just need to let these thoughts go. I need to do a better job of trying to forget the past hurts. I just need to let it all go and try to get back to feeling like me again.