On Failing…

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“It’s okay to fail sometimes, just as long as we never give up.”  ~M


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Morning thoughts

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I woke up feeling better about things today. I think I’m starting to realize that I’m holding on to too much from my past. It’s hard though when you suddenly get a reminder of past wrongs. I can forget all the past hurts for a while, but then they seem to crop up again. A few weeks ago, I was triggered by a family member, and since then, I feel like I can’t move past what they did. And what they did, made me feel like I no longer matter to them. It feels like they’re trying to erase me from their life.

I’ve been trying to let it go, trying to rationalize why they did it. Some people just don’t even realize that they’ve hurt someone. I would like to think that they weren’t intentionally trying to hurt me, but in the back of my mind, I just can’t shake the feeling that they were. I’m at the point now, where I would rather not care one way or the other. But I do care because it’s someone I’ve known my whole life.

It’s been good for me to be off social media. I think it was the best idea I’ve ever had. There were so many reasons why I finally broke free of it, but I think one of the biggest reasons I left, was because I was constantly being reminded of how I don’t really fit into my families lives anymore. They all live so far away, and I’m no longer a part of all they do on a daily basis. It often causes me to resent my own husband, for leaving me secluded like I am, away from everyone. But then I wonder, am I better off anyway? Perhaps it’s saving me from all the drama that comes from family relationships. And I agreed to all of this, so I shouldn’t be blaming anyone for how I feel.  Maybe it’s just better it all turned out like this. I don’t really know for sure, and I doubt I ever will. So for now, I think I just need to let these thoughts go. I need to do a better job of trying to forget the past hurts. I just need to let it all go and try to get back to feeling like me again.

#weekendcoffeeshare – Do you ever just feel like giving up?

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Good morning fellow bloggers!  How have all of you been lately?  I’m so glad you decided to visit me today.  I’ve got plenty of hot tea and coffee, or iced tea if you prefer that instead.  So pick what you like best and let’s sit down and have a heart to heart talk.  Okay, I’m not gonna lie.  This conversation is not going to be all hearts and flowers.  But I’m keeping it real today.

So here it is, I’m just gonna lay it all out here and let my heart sort of bleed onto this boring white page.  I’ve been struggling worse than I think I ever have before.  I can’t seem to escape these depressive thoughts anymore.  I’m doing everything in my power to try and do something about it.  Since writing is what I’m most passionate about, I’ve been trying to focus on creating more humorous posts.  I’m also getting outside more and doing things that I normally love to do.  But for some reason, I just can’t seem to lose this sinking feeling within myself.  I’m not really sure what to do about any of it.  I’m definitely feeling the pull to break away from everything and everyone around me.  I’ve been doing the fake smile thing lately.  Hopeful that nobody notices how I’m really feeling.  Of course then there’s always that one person who ruins it for me and asks me how I’m doing.  Then the tears start to well up and I can’t even answer back.  And of course they have no idea why their question has set me off and I end up feeling like an idiot for not being able to respond to their question properly.

I’m also at a crossroad in my life right now and I’m making a huge effort to try and work on my relationship with my hubby.  He’s about to leave again since he’s in the military and I’m not sure when I will have a chance to see him again.  I very much love him, but I feel our relationship is still very fragile, and because he’s leaving, I wonder if it’s going to hinder the progress that we’ve made.  Fear is sort of taking hold of me at the moment because we are facing so many unknowns.  Anyway, he and I have talked in depth about all of this and I think we are both just sort of holding our breath, hopeful for a happy ending.  These last couple of years have taken their toll on both of us and perhaps being apart will be the best thing for us.  Being away from each other has often helped us in the past.  It seems to give us the time we need to sort out our feelings.

Another thing I’m struggling with is the fact that I don’t really know anybody where I live, and so with my hubby leaving, I’m beginning to feel like I’m about to be stranded.  We’ve always moved around so much that I’ve never really been able to establish any close friends where I live.   And because we’re always moving, I also tend to shy away from making friends in the first place.  It seems easier not to have any friends than to always be saying goodbye to them.  Since I really don’t have any close ties to Wisconsin, I’m thinking I will welcome another move in the coming future.  I’ve always loved the feel of a fresh start in a new place.  I get bored easily when I stay in one place for too long and my love for travel leaves me ever wanting to get away.

Anyway, these are the main things I’m struggling with at the moment, and so if I tend to throw a sort of depressive post in the batch once in a while, please forgive me for doing so.  I’m just not always in the best frame of mind and sometimes there are days which just seem to get the better of me.  I hope all of you are doing well and staying in good health.  I want to thank all of you for being my long distance friends and for always showing me how much you care.  Blogging has been a great outlet for me, and since I do move around so much, I’m blessed that I can take all of you with me wherever I go.  😉

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#weekendcoffeeshare – Staying focused

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If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that this week has gone much better than last.  I’ve realized that I need to stay focused on my goals and really work on getting things done.  I always seem to do better when I take a structured approach to anything.  I started off the week by making myself a detailed schedule of what I wanted to accomplish, and so far I have completed each task.  I am an organizer by nature, and when things aren’t in perfect order, I sort of begin to stress out a little bit.  So by simple planning, I feel l have made some good progress.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I turned 45 this week.  I had a wonderful birthday this year.  I woke up to a plate full of toast made by my 8yr old daughter, and a lovely poem written by my very sweet husband.  I spent the entire day with my family, shopping and having fun.  I was treated like a princess, and left the mall with a great big box of dark chocolate sea salt caramels!  We even went to see a movie, “A Dog’s Purpose.”  I am not much of a movie watcher, but I have to admit, I really did enjoy this one.  It was a tearjerker for sure, and by the end of it, my husband and I were both bawling our eyes out.

Later that night we went out for Chinese food, and 3 days later, we are still surviving on leftovers from that dinner.  The portion sizes were enough to feed a football team, and the table was barely large enough to hold all the food they brought out to us.  We ordered the meal for three, even though there were four of us there.  Good thing we didn’t order the meal for four!  I came home that night feeling like I might possibly die from overeating, and the very idea of Chinese food right now, sort of makes me feel ill.

If we were having coffee, I’d also tell you that I have been feeling quite melancholy lately, and even though this week couldn’t have gone better, I am still feeling overwhelmed at times.  I’m learning to accept what I can’t change though, and trying not to let things get me down that I have no control over.  Life isn’t always what we hope for or expect.  We just have to learn to be as happy as we can, where we’re at, and learn to appreciate the little things that God sends our way.  I hope all of you have had a wonderful week.

Love and blessings, ~M xo

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