“Sadness often trickles down my face, but flowers often bloom in its place.” ~M
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Good morning fellow bloggers! How have all of you been lately? I’m so glad you decided to visit me today. I’ve got plenty of hot tea and coffee, or iced tea if you prefer that instead. So pick what you like best and let’s sit down and have a heart to heart talk. Okay, I’m not gonna lie. This conversation is not going to be all hearts and flowers. But I’m keeping it real today.
So here it is, I’m just gonna lay it all out here and let my heart sort of bleed onto this boring white page. I’ve been struggling worse than I think I ever have before. I can’t seem to escape these depressive thoughts anymore. I’m doing everything in my power to try and do something about it. Since writing is what I’m most passionate about, I’ve been trying to focus on creating more humorous posts. I’m also getting outside more and doing things that I normally love to do. But for some reason, I just can’t seem to lose this sinking feeling within myself. I’m not really sure what to do about any of it. I’m definitely feeling the pull to break away from everything and everyone around me. I’ve been doing the fake smile thing lately. Hopeful that nobody notices how I’m really feeling. Of course then there’s always that one person who ruins it for me and asks me how I’m doing. Then the tears start to well up and I can’t even answer back. And of course they have no idea why their question has set me off and I end up feeling like an idiot for not being able to respond to their question properly.
I’m also at a crossroad in my life right now and I’m making a huge effort to try and work on my relationship with my hubby. He’s about to leave again since he’s in the military and I’m not sure when I will have a chance to see him again. I very much love him, but I feel our relationship is still very fragile, and because he’s leaving, I wonder if it’s going to hinder the progress that we’ve made. Fear is sort of taking hold of me at the moment because we are facing so many unknowns. Anyway, he and I have talked in depth about all of this and I think we are both just sort of holding our breath, hopeful for a happy ending. These last couple of years have taken their toll on both of us and perhaps being apart will be the best thing for us. Being away from each other has often helped us in the past. It seems to give us the time we need to sort out our feelings.
Another thing I’m struggling with is the fact that I don’t really know anybody where I live, and so with my hubby leaving, I’m beginning to feel like I’m about to be stranded. We’ve always moved around so much that I’ve never really been able to establish any close friends where I live. And because we’re always moving, I also tend to shy away from making friends in the first place. It seems easier not to have any friends than to always be saying goodbye to them. Since I really don’t have any close ties to Wisconsin, I’m thinking I will welcome another move in the coming future. I’ve always loved the feel of a fresh start in a new place. I get bored easily when I stay in one place for too long and my love for travel leaves me ever wanting to get away.
Anyway, these are the main things I’m struggling with at the moment, and so if I tend to throw a sort of depressive post in the batch once in a while, please forgive me for doing so. I’m just not always in the best frame of mind and sometimes there are days which just seem to get the better of me. I hope all of you are doing well and staying in good health. I want to thank all of you for being my long distance friends and for always showing me how much you care. Blogging has been a great outlet for me, and since I do move around so much, I’m blessed that I can take all of you with me wherever I go. 😉
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If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that this week has gone much better than last. I’ve realized that I need to stay focused on my goals and really work on getting things done. I always seem to do better when I take a structured approach to anything. I started off the week by making myself a detailed schedule of what I wanted to accomplish, and so far I have completed each task. I am an organizer by nature, and when things aren’t in perfect order, I sort of begin to stress out a little bit. So by simple planning, I feel l have made some good progress.
If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I turned 45 this week. I had a wonderful birthday this year. I woke up to a plate full of toast made by my 8yr old daughter, and a lovely poem written by my very sweet husband. I spent the entire day with my family, shopping and having fun. I was treated like a princess, and left the mall with a great big box of dark chocolate sea salt caramels! We even went to see a movie, “A Dog’s Purpose.” I am not much of a movie watcher, but I have to admit, I really did enjoy this one. It was a tearjerker for sure, and by the end of it, my husband and I were both bawling our eyes out.
Later that night we went out for Chinese food, and 3 days later, we are still surviving on leftovers from that dinner. The portion sizes were enough to feed a football team, and the table was barely large enough to hold all the food they brought out to us. We ordered the meal for three, even though there were four of us there. Good thing we didn’t order the meal for four! I came home that night feeling like I might possibly die from overeating, and the very idea of Chinese food right now, sort of makes me feel ill.
If we were having coffee, I’d also tell you that I have been feeling quite melancholy lately, and even though this week couldn’t have gone better, I am still feeling overwhelmed at times. I’m learning to accept what I can’t change though, and trying not to let things get me down that I have no control over. Life isn’t always what we hope for or expect. We just have to learn to be as happy as we can, where we’re at, and learn to appreciate the little things that God sends our way. I hope all of you have had a wonderful week.
Love and blessings, ~M xo
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If we were having coffee, I’d tell you how very sad I’ve been feeling over the past couple of weeks. It’s been a very tough month for me, and I’m living with so many unanswered questions.
Near the beginning of the month, I lost my closest friend. I haven’t dealt with it very well, but I’m trying my best to let go. For whatever reason, my friend decided to move on without telling me they were leaving.
I think the hardest part for me, is not knowing why; and I know I never will. The reason I know I never will, is because I dreamt of them leaving. It was a fairly recent dream, one I dreamt a few weeks before they disappeared. I didn’t understand the meaning then, but of course I do now. I cannot even fathom why they left, especially without saying goodbye; other than maybe they just had no other choice.
I admit at first, I was angry and hurt, and I vowed to myself that I would never trust another person again. And yes my guard is still up, but I did allow myself to visit with a woman who lives nearby, and it did help to speak with her. I poured my heart out to her and she listened. She eventually told me it was probably for the better; and even though I hesitate to agree with her, in the back of my mind, I know she’s probably right.
So as hard as it is to live with this sense of loss and pain in my heart, I know I will eventually be okay. Every day that passes, is another day to find other things to be happy about; and to try and find contentment, even in the monotony of everyday life.
I have never been a quitter, and so I will not give up trying to find a positive light, even in this. The Lord knows my path better than me, and so I have to ultimately give all of this to him, and let him show me where I should go from here.
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I thought I’d lost someone today. Someone who has filled a void in my heart, like nobody else ever has. I can’t imagine going through the rest of my life without this sweet person. They mean the world to me and have become my closest and most trusted confidant. I have never had a friend quite like this particular one, and the thought of losing them left me feeling heartbroken.
I tried to go about my day as usual, but eventually the tears erupted for the millionth time and I could no longer hold back how terrible I felt. My hubby tried to console me, tried to reassure me that I hadn’t lost them. And yet I’m still not quite sure where I stand.
My daughter Autumn came up to me this morning and asked me what she should draw for art class. Thinking about how happy this friend of mine has always made me feel, I told her to draw what makes her the happiest. A little while later, she brought back this picture of me and her. It was the sweetest gesture and a drawing I will always treasure, because happiness to her, means her and me together.
Happiness is always about having those special people in our lives that mean the most to us. We cannot even hope for anything better. So to my dear friend C… If you by chance happen to read this. You will always be a treasured friend to me and I love you as if you are part of my family. I prayed my whole life for somebody like you, so please don’t ever forget how much you mean to me.
Love, ~M xoxo
It was early New Year’s Eve morning. A knock on my bedroom door, and a small little voice alerted me to the fact that something wasn’t quite right. The little voice proceeded to make her way into the bedroom, and with a very firm and demanding tone she said, “Mommy, you need to take me to the doctors right now!”
I immediately flung myself out of the bed and ran to my littlest daughter. I expected blood to be trailing off somewhere, maybe from a missing limb or a fractured skull. Not seeing the cause for such an alarm, I asked her what was wrong. She said, “Mommy, come here! I’ll show you!” In which she proceeded to drag me to the other side of the house and into the bathroom we went. “See mommy look! My poop is all big and messy and I had to sit in here for a whole hour!”
Her eyes were crazy and wild looking, as she seemed to have no concept or recollection of ever having diarrhea in her entire life. I almost started to laugh, as her demanding little face pleaded with me to help her make some sense of this agonizing experience. So I began to explain to this child of eight, that she just had a stomach bug, and that she would soon be better. I ended up giving her some anti-diarrheal medicine, sat her in front of the television, and told her that no matter what, she was not to eat anything until her stomach righted itself.
Well since it was still so early, I decided to go back to bed and see if I could get a few more minutes of shut eye in before enduring further chaos. Climbing back into bed, my husband proceeded to tell me that she had been throwing up several hours earlier. I was completely shocked by his statement and I said, “What do you mean? Where was I? And who cleaned everything up? He just simply smiled and said, “I took care of it all, I didn’t want to wake you up.”
I was completely dumbfounded by the fact that I had not woken up and even more shocked that my husband had cleaned everything up by himself. To imagine him enduring that grueling task all by himself, made me feel so very guilty for not being there, and blessed at the same time, for having a husband who would attend to such a mess himself.
Now that a week has passed, I was sure we had sailed that ship, and didn’t expect to see the boat return so quickly. And yet unfortunately, there was another reoccurrence of the entire event last night. Only this time, hubby was at work, and I was left to attend to my poor child who was squirting from both ends.
Of course I’ve told all of you before, Autumn is my happy child. Always smiling, always thankful, and through it all, she was thanking me for helping her, and smiling up at me and snuggling next to me, once the squirting eventually stopped. This time she seemed like she had a better handle on what was going on, and didn’t seem so eager to rush to the emergency room.
Fortunately, my daughter Autumn is rarely sick, and so the week before had been the very first time in her eight year old life that she had experienced any kind of a flu bug. I’m guessing that nursing her for the first two years of her life, is the reason behind her incredible immunity to illness. I nursed her the longest and it really has made a difference when I compare her to my other daughters and how often they were all sick.
Anyway, today I am thankful for a child who can still find something to smile about, despite having the stomach flu, and I am thankful for a husband who surprised me last week, and took on a task that most people would shudder to do. This time around, I sure was missing his help, and I am so tired today because of being up all night. Fortunately my daughter is feeling better once more, and I’m just hoping and praying that we don’t have another repeat of this in another week.
Hope all of you are having a fantastic week and starting the New Year off on the right foot. Remember when things don’t go as planned, tomorrow is a new day. A chance to start over, another opportunity to get over the many hurdles, and carry on with God’s plan for your life. It may not always be rosy, and you may face a few battles. Just don’t ever give up! Love you guys so much. Hang in there, the weekend is finally here! ~M xoxo
“Wishes and dreams are like sugar cubes. Each one is sweet and satisfying until the rain comes, and then they disintegrate completely.” ~M
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“I often feel guilty for being happy.” ~M
I was once given a death threat by a roommate of mine, who claimed that I was too happy. She threatened to slit my throat while I slept, because she said I was way too happy all the time. For some reason my happiness really bothered her.
After spending months in the same room with this girl, she was finally taken forcefully from the barracks, and transported to a psychiatric ward. She was found to have knives strapped to her thighs, and a suicide letter next to her bed.
I have found it hard to be happy in front of people since that day. I feel that somehow my happiness only seems to bring others down, who are not experiencing the same joy in their own lives. Maybe there is still a part of me that fears what may happen, if perhaps I am too joyful around others. Regardless, I am very cautious now and I doubt that will ever change.
It’s so sad to me, that we live in a world where even our own happiness can be threatening to others who long to be happy themselves. I wish I didn’t have to feel guilty for being happy as often as I do. I suppose this is another reason why I find myself wanting to be alone so often. Secluding myself from others, means that I will never have to hurt them.
Life is so difficult at times, this is just another example of why I feel like I can never fully be myself around others. It’s a sad state we live in, when we cannot even show our own happiness.
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Ok so… the strangest thing just happened to me about an hour ago. I was on my phone and a message popped up that said “If you need me, I’m here for you.” That was all it said and then my phone shut off and wouldn’t turn back on for about 30 mins. After finally getting my phone to work again, the message is nowhere to be found. I have checked all my emails, messages, all my apps, and there is simply no message saying that anywhere. The craziest thing is, I have been really down in the dumps lately and feel like I don’t always have somebody who I can immediately turn to. I know I can always turn to God, but sometimes it’s so hard for me to want to turn to somebody who I can’t see, feel, or talk to face-to-face. So honestly, even though I know God is always there, I need human contact! A true living breathing friend who wants to know me and listen to me when I need them. And yet I have a feeling that God was trying to get my attention tonight. Are you really there God? And if you’re listening… I really do need you… Love, ~Me
Do you ever find yourself lashing out irrationally at people, just because you’re having a bad day? Well, this has been me over the last few weeks. My whole world seemed to cave in on me suddenly, when I learned something about the past that I didn’t know before. This little bit of information has literally changed everything for me and I am not sure what to do about it. I feel like I am losing control of myself and plummeting like a fighter jet that has been shot down. Life is never easy is it? Just when we think we have it all together, our flight path changes directions and we are thrown off course. Why do you think this happens? Do you think it’s God’s way of waking us up? Is He doing this to cause us to turn in a new direction? Is He trying to point out a weakness in ourselves that we just never saw before? Does God even have anything to do with this; or is it by chance that things like this happen? I tend to believe for the most part, that most things happen for a reason. I believe that God is always looking out for our well-being, even in the darkest moments of our lives. He thinks eternally, we think years. I am generally a very open-minded, positive person. But am I really? If I was, than why is this affecting me so much? Sometimes I wish the world would just stop turning for a moment so that I could jump off. The drama in life is just overwhelming and absolutely painful at times. Maybe time is the only real cure. God’s time…