shame – Putting My Feet in the Dirt

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A few weeks ago an embarrassing thing happened. My 15 yr old daughter asked me to show her how to upload pictures to Twitter. So being the nice mom that I am, I, of course, said yes, and promptly went to grab my phone to show her how to do it.

Unfortunately, I failed to remember that a few hours earlier, I had sent my husband a rather naughty photo of myself, and so when I went to show my daughter how to upload pictures to Twitter from my photo album, that naughty photo was on full display.

As soon as I realized it, I quickly pulled the phone away from her view and tried my best to act as unflustered as I could. She, of course, looked down at the floor, face bright red, trying so hard not to laugh hysterically. When she finally looked up at me a minute later, she said, “Well mom, at least it wasn’t a naked picture of grandma! That would have been so much worse!”

Oh, I had to laugh at her response. Because of course, having naked pictures of grandma on my phone is a natural thing! Not!!!

Then my husband walks in, and says what’s going on? I whispered to him what had just happened, and then in a very loud voice, he says… “Oh, which one did she see?” I about died all over again, and my daughter, of course, started laughing hysterically. I tell you, it’s never a dull moment at our house. I’m going to go hang my head in shame now. Lol….

Photo credit: pixabay.com

My fear of being humiliated started as a young child in Elementary School. It developed over years of being harassed, teased, embarrassed, and sometimes even physically hurt through the abuse of other kids my own age. The humiliation I endured as a child was never realized by either of my parents and even if it had been, I doubt that they would have done much to stop the incidents from happening; not because they were bad parents, just because this was normal school behavior that was commonly accepted back then.

The humiliation that I lived with never ended and only got worse as I got older. The kids I went to school with tormented me to the point that I considered suicide as a teenager. At that time, I tried to reach out to my parents for help, but they didn’t seem to understand the severity of the situation and I think they were almost afraid to even try to help me. I believe it’s by the grace of God that I am even still alive.

I still have a very deep fear of being around people, especially people who I don’t know very well. I get extremely nervous, especially in small group situations where I am forced to answer questions with the rest of the group. Because I had always been shamed in most of my attempts to speak as a child, I feel the same thing will still happen now, and sometimes it still does. Sometimes I find that I even feel panicked enough that I want to run from a room. I find myself always needing to sit near an exit or as close to the end of a table as possible. I always need an escape route, just in case a situation arises that I can’t handle.

I doubt this fear will ever go away. I have hid my fear so well, that I don’t think my own family even realizes how much I still do struggle with it sometimes. I have not overcome my fear by any means, but I think I do a really good job of keeping this fear of being humiliated under control. I often avoid situations where I know I will be vulnerable. I have learned what types of situations to stay away from and which ones are okay. I deal with my fear of being humiliated on a daily basis and jump hurdles as they come.

For some reason, just writing about this has been therapeutic for me. Maybe I have just been trying to bury this fear of mine for too long. It’s best to discuss the things that bother us. It helps us understand why we do the things we do and why we are the kind of person that we are.