Humiliation

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My fear of being humiliated started as a young child in Elementary School. It developed over years of being harassed, teased, embarrassed, and sometimes even physically hurt through the abuse of other kids my own age. The humiliation I endured as a child was never realized by either of my parents and even if it had been, I doubt that they would have done much to stop the incidents from happening; not because they were bad parents, just because this was normal school behavior that was commonly accepted back then.

The humiliation that I lived with never ended and only got worse as I got older. The kids I went to school with tormented me to the point that I considered suicide as a teenager. At that time, I tried to reach out to my parents for help, but they didn’t seem to understand the severity of the situation and I think they were almost afraid to even try to help me. I believe it’s by the grace of God that I am even still alive.

I still have a very deep fear of being around people, especially people who I don’t know very well. I get extremely nervous, especially in small group situations where I am forced to answer questions with the rest of the group. Because I had always been shamed in most of my attempts to speak as a child, I feel the same thing will still happen now, and sometimes it still does. Sometimes I find that I even feel panicked enough that I want to run from a room. I find myself always needing to sit near an exit or as close to the end of a table as possible. I always need an escape route, just in case a situation arises that I can’t handle.

I doubt this fear will ever go away. I have hid my fear so well, that I don’t think my own family even realizes how much I still do struggle with it sometimes. I have not overcome my fear by any means, but I think I do a really good job of keeping this fear of being humiliated under control. I often avoid situations where I know I will be vulnerable. I have learned what types of situations to stay away from and which ones are okay. I deal with my fear of being humiliated on a daily basis and jump hurdles as they come.

For some reason, just writing about this has been therapeutic for me. Maybe I have just been trying to bury this fear of mine for too long. It’s best to discuss the things that bother us. It helps us understand why we do the things we do and why we are the kind of person that we are.

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5 thoughts on “Humiliation

  1. You never mentioned this to me, I never knew that you had this type of fear or dealt with kind of humiliation as a child. I am so thankful that you DID NOT commit suicide because I love having you as my closest friend. I too was bullied has a pre-teen but I never told my mom, I told the bus driver and the boys got in trouble that they didn’t appreciate very much but I didn’t care. However it really didn’t bother me that much emotionally I guess because I didn’t care about what people thought about me at that point in my life, or something I don’t know.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Kristie, I am glad that the Lord protected me. Remind me to tell you about the time Jesus spoke to me in an audible way, which made me change my mind about suicide. Maybe someday I will share that story on here. For now, I am just glad that you are such a good friend to me. I don’t have many, but the few friends that I do have, are like precious jewels to me. Love you my friend!

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  2. I understand when you say that you have a fear that you want to hide because I have my own. It’s good to talk about it and let it out. I hope that you will over come this fear someday soon because no one deserves to fear people like that. Be well dear 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I guess understanding where our fears come from really do help us to overcome them. I originally wrote this for a writing class in which we were asked to think of a childhood fear that has continued throughout our lives. I hope that you will be able to overcome your own fear someday too. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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