Where did my heart go?

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I feel like my heart isn’t in anything right now; I don’t want to do anything; I don’t want to go anywhere;  and least of all, I don’t want to socialize.  People are reaching out, trying to ask me if I’m ok, and to most, I can’t even respond.  I keep asking myself, “What kind of person am I?”  That I can’t even respond to a simple email, phone call, or text message.

I sort of feel like I’m floating on a raft in the middle of the ocean, and there is nothing for as far as the eye can see.  And I want to be here; out of reach of most anyone or anything.  I’m alone without a plan as to where I’m going, and I just don’t care.  I don’t want to do anything else, except for simply float peacefully along, and leave everything else behind.

I don’t think I’ve ever isolated myself as much as I am right now.  And there are times when I question why I’m doing this.  But I feel like I need it.  The quiet has been soothing to my soul.  I’m loving the peace of not having to talk to anyone, to explain myself, to share all the horrible ugly things that I’m so often dealing with.  I don’t want to talk about any of it because then it becomes real.  And I can’t deal with the reality of the things that I know I will eventually need to face.  I just don’t want to right now.

The funniest thing is, I start a social media communications class next week.  It’s a requirement for my major and one of the last general education classes that I still need.  40% of my grade will be the discussions I have with other students.  So much for being anti-social!  Lol.  At least I don’t have to talk about my personal life, but still…

Anyway, so here I am, floating along.  It’s rather calm at the moment, but that usually means there’s a storm brewing on the horizon.  And even though I can’t see it, I’m sort of securing myself to the raft right now; bracing myself for what’s to come.  I just hope the storm passes quickly if and when it finally does arrive.

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Morning thoughts

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I woke up feeling better about things today. I think I’m starting to realize that I’m holding on to too much from my past. It’s hard though when you suddenly get a reminder of past wrongs. I can forget all the past hurts for a while, but then they seem to crop up again. A few weeks ago, I was triggered by a family member, and since then, I feel like I can’t move past what they did. And what they did, made me feel like I no longer matter to them. It feels like they’re trying to erase me from their life.

I’ve been trying to let it go, trying to rationalize why they did it. Some people just don’t even realize that they’ve hurt someone. I would like to think that they weren’t intentionally trying to hurt me, but in the back of my mind, I just can’t shake the feeling that they were. I’m at the point now, where I would rather not care one way or the other. But I do care because it’s someone I’ve known my whole life.

It’s been good for me to be off social media. I think it was the best idea I’ve ever had. There were so many reasons why I finally broke free of it, but I think one of the biggest reasons I left, was because I was constantly being reminded of how I don’t really fit into my families lives anymore. They all live so far away, and I’m no longer a part of all they do on a daily basis. It often causes me to resent my own husband, for leaving me secluded like I am, away from everyone. But then I wonder, am I better off anyway? Perhaps it’s saving me from all the drama that comes from family relationships. And I agreed to all of this, so I shouldn’t be blaming anyone for how I feel.  Maybe it’s just better it all turned out like this. I don’t really know for sure, and I doubt I ever will. So for now, I think I just need to let these thoughts go. I need to do a better job of trying to forget the past hurts. I just need to let it all go and try to get back to feeling like me again.

Saying goodbye to social media

There have been so many disappointments in my life over the past several years and I think a lot of those issues started with being on social media and the repercussions that came with being on there.  I have mulled over this subject for months and months now and I have finally decided that the time has come for me to close all of my social media accounts.  And as many of you have probably noticed, I haven’t been writing much in recent days.  I just feel like I need to take a step back in many ways.  I have so many other priorities right now and I feel like I need to be focusing my time in other areas of my life.  If any of you need to contact me, I can still be reached by email which can be found if you click on my Gravatar.  Thank you all for understanding, and I will still be providing the writing prompts every month and doing my best to keep up with all of that.  Love you guys… ~M xo

A quick update…

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to give all of you a quick update.  Since the start of the new year, I have been trying to figure out a way to make this year better than last.  I know I can’t have a repeat of last year, as it nearly killed me.  So after doing a lot of thinking over the last couple of weeks, I have decided that I really need to focus more of my time on novel writing.  I also want to make some changes here on WordPress.  So you may see me introducing a variety of new and different types of blog posts from here on out.  Another thing is, I am no longer going to be active on social media.  So Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc… have all been removed from my phone.  These platforms have just become too much of a distraction for me and I can’t seem to focus on the work that I need to get done because of it.  I may decide to check those accounts once a month if I have some free time, but I definitely won’t be on there more often than that.  Anyway, here’s to hoping that I’ll be able to make some progress this year.  Hope all of you are doing the same.  Love you guys!  ~M  xoxo

Is true happiness really achievable?

My goal for 2017 was to bring happiness to others.  We’re only ten days in, and I already feel like the exact opposite has occurred.  It really seemed like such an easy task too.  I thought I could just be more positive, portray an air of happiness, and then everyone else would just follow suit.  Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work?  Lead by example and everyone will follow… am I right?  And yet it hasn’t worked at all.

I know I’m not very good at hiding my true feelings, but I thought I was doing a really good job of at least controlling the negative ones.  I suppose I’ve come to the conclusion, that I can’t fool anyone, least of all myself.  I’m trying desperately to hide behind the positives though.  It’s the only way I can continue to live, without completely drowning in my own sorrows.  Its mind over matter… don’t you think?  Isn’t that the only way any of us can really survive?

We often try to fool ourselves into thinking we’re happy, because that’s what everyone is after.  We all want that wonderful happy life, which is so often fakely displayed everywhere we look.  Do you really believe that smiling family on Facebook, is happily living life free of any problems or issues?  And see this is the problem, we believe everyone else has everything so easy and so perfect, when in actuality, true happiness doesn’t really exist.

We need to realize that we aren’t ever going to be completely happy on this earth, or in this life, because that’s an impossibility.  It’s unfortunate though, because we live with the idea that it’s achievable, which only makes us feel like complete failures when we never obtain a perfectly happy life.  Having hope is one thing, but we’ve got to be realistic as well.

So I’m changing my goal for 2017.  I don’t want to bring happiness to others, but I want to show others how to find slivers of happiness right where they are.  In the misery and agony of our imperfect lives, there are sometimes moments of happiness. Fleeting as they are, we need to hold onto those moments, and bring them back into focus on those particular days, when grief overtakes our sad little lives.  We certainly can’t give up and quit, just because things aren’t going our way.

Anyway, enough of my ranting.  I’m not even sure any of what I’m saying is making any sense.  All I know is, I can’t continue to live my life waiting for perfection.  This is it, this is my God given life; and I’d better make the best of it, or I may not have one left at all.

Here we go again…

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I finally had to take my phone in to get it repaired 2 weeks ago.  I only had the phone 3 months, and then the motherboard died.  So less than 2 weeks ago, the Apple store gave me a brand new one and sent me on my way.  Unfortunately, the charging port is deficient in this new one, and so I have another appointment next weekend to get a replacement for this phone. 

Let’s just see how many replacements I’ll need, before I actually get a phone that works!  Oh and it only took 3 calls to Apple (they hung up on me 2 times) before I finally got ahold of a REAL person!  Then they said I had to go online to set up the appointment, because their scheduling system was down.  So I went online and after a few hours of trying to figure out how to schedule an appointment, I finally have one!

Hallelujah, Holy Shit!!  Where’s the Tylenol!?!  (Yes…. I absolutely love that quote from Christmas Vacation) Ugh…. So as you can see, I’m a little frustrated right now; and to top it all off, I have to drive almost 2 hours each way, just to get to the Apple store! 

I’m almost thinking of just getting rid of my phone altogether; yet I love it for GPS capability and the camera.  I’m afraid as much as I travel, I’d be completely lost without it.  So anyway, I probably won’t be checking social media, email, or reading as many blogs as I usually do, until I get my new phone.  It’s unfortunate, but I just don’t have the opportunity to get on my computer, as often as I do my phone.

Ok… I think I’m done with my rant for this evening….  Here’s to the many little frustrating things in life, that get us all riled up.  Cheers!  ~ M  🍻

 


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