Tag Archives: suicide

Are you okay?

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I have to admit, when someone asks me if I’m fine or okay, I start to get a bit defensive.  I immediately begin to wonder if I’m starting to look weak or somehow flawed.  I’ll come up with any number of excuses to convince the person that I am completely okay and that they need not worry about me.  But 9 times out of 10, when somebody asks me this, I only go on the defensive because they are completely right.  I’m not always fine and somehow it seems they’ve noticed it.  I’m terrible at being able to hide my emotions and I’m drawn to people who are really good at reading them.  So with that combination, I am always sure to be found out.

Today, I was thinking all of this over and began to wonder why I am so set on having people believe that I’m okay, when in fact I’m actually not.  I think part of it stems from my upbringing.  I grew up in a home where I was taught to “suck it up and drive on.”  If I ever had a problem, I was told that it was inconsiderate to speak of it and burdensome for others to hear it.   I was told that there were plenty of other people who had worse problems, so my problems were not important enough to speak of.  I’m almost thinking this was a generational thing because I see a lot of people my age who were told the same thing.  We weren’t allowed to complain or voice our opinions like people are nowadays.  Everything was a certain way, and whether we liked it or not, that’s just the way it was.  We didn’t have many choices or options, we were just told to do what we were supposed to do, and not ask questions or complain.

I had my first and only panic attack when I was 18, and I still remember it like it was yesterday.  I had just started a new job, in a new state, and was living with my biological father for the first time.  I didn’t know anybody and barely even knew my dad.  I had no idea I was feeling anxious at the time because I had grown accustomed to the feeling of anxiety and usually just tried to brush it off as if nothing were wrong.  But for some reason, that day, my body wouldn’t cooperate with me just brushing off the anxious emotions which were welling up inside of me.  I was completely alone, facing the world for the first time on my own, and uncertainty and fear began to overwhelm me.

Well, that first day on the job only lasted about 20 minutes, before the anxiety attack started.  Everything began to turn different shades of gray and I could barely stand due to the sudden dizziness I felt.  All sound became muffled and it seemed like I had gone into a dark tunnel where sounds just echoed off the walls around me.  I could hear my breathing, which was raspy and strained, and the pounding of my heart, a sound I had never heard audibly, was now the only other sound I could hear.  I could no longer speak because I could no longer hear my own voice.  It was probably the scariest moment of my life, and I had no idea what was happening.

I remember somebody leading me to a storage room and making me sit down on some boxes.  I remember sitting there thinking that I might possibly be dying, but I had no idea what to do about it.  After being left there for what seemed like ages, finally, somebody came back for me and tried to ask me what was wrong.  I remember not being able to explain to them what was wrong and so eventually they seemed to give up and just drove me home and left me at my apartment.

I don’t remember how long I was back at my apartment before I was coherent enough to call my dad, but after he got home, I remember trying to explain to him what had happened.  Since I had never experienced something like that before, I couldn’t really explain what had happened to me.  Looking back, I think everyone at that store must have thought I was on drugs or something.  I never did end up going back to that place and I don’t think I ever contacted anyone to tell them that I wasn’t coming back.  It was years before I ever fully understood what had happened to me that day.  I haven’t had another panic attack since then and I really hope I never do.

I’ve since become a master at hiding my anxiety and rarely admit to anyone that I am often depressed.  The only time I really confide in anyone is after my feelings of anxiety have subsided.  I feel like it’s safer for me to talk about it then after the suicidal thoughts have left me, and when I can control my emotions better.  I always have this fear that if I actually tell someone how I’m really feeling that they will lock me away somewhere, for fear that I may otherwise harm myself.

I’ve seen my own daughter end up in a mental hospital and so I know what they are like.  The place she stayed at did her absolutely no good and actually made her mental state worse.  She became like a prisoner while she was there and we had no say in anything that happened to her.  The psychiatrist there told my husband and me that he had complete control of our underage daughter and that he wouldn’t release her until he wanted to.  I wouldn’t wish a place like that on my worst enemy and it breaks my heart every time I think of my daughter having to have been there.

It all started out with our family physician insisting that we take her there, and once we did, we lost all parental rights and were only allowed to visit her for about an hour each day.  We drove the two hours there and back every day, all in order to be able to at least see her and tell her how much we loved her.  But I would never allow it again for any of my family members, no matter what the situation, and I certainly never want to end up in a place like that myself.  So even though I struggle with anxiety and depression, I do so without medication, without therapy, and without any sort of outside help.  I “suck it up and drive on.”  It’s the way I was taught and the way I’ll forever remain.


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Is it okay to be happy?

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“I often feel guilty for being happy.” ~M

I was once given a death threat by a roommate of mine, who claimed that I was too happy.  She threatened to slit my throat while I slept, because she said I was way too happy all the time.  For some reason my happiness really bothered her.

After spending months in the same room with this girl, she was finally taken forcefully from the barracks, and transported to a psychiatric ward.  She was found to have knives strapped to her thighs, and a suicide letter next to her bed.

I have found it hard to be happy in front of people since that day.  I feel that somehow my happiness only seems to bring others down, who are not experiencing the same joy in their own lives.  Maybe there is still a part of me that fears what may happen, if perhaps I am too joyful around others.  Regardless, I am very cautious now and I doubt that will ever change.

It’s so sad to me, that we live in a world where even our own happiness can be threatening to others who long to be happy themselves.  I wish I didn’t have to feel guilty for being happy as often as I do.  I suppose this is another reason why I find myself wanting to be alone so often.  Secluding myself from others, means that I will never have to hurt them.

Life is so difficult at times, this is just another example of why I feel like I can never fully be myself around others.  It’s a sad state we live in, when we cannot even show our own happiness.


Photo found at: sonalororra.wordpress.com

Hopeless

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“Sadly enough… in the end, it’s often the ones who are constantly trying to save others, who cannot even save themselves.” ~M


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Humiliation

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My fear of being humiliated started as a young child in Elementary School. It developed over years of being harassed, teased, embarrassed, and sometimes even physically hurt through the abuse of other kids my own age. The humiliation I endured as a child was never realized by either of my parents and even if it had been, I doubt that they would have done much to stop the incidents from happening; not because they were bad parents, just because this was normal school behavior that was commonly accepted back then.

The humiliation that I lived with never ended and only got worse as I got older. The kids I went to school with tormented me to the point that I considered suicide as a teenager. At that time, I tried to reach out to my parents for help, but they didn’t seem to understand the severity of the situation and I think they were almost afraid to even try to help me. I believe it’s by the grace of God that I am even still alive.

I still have a very deep fear of being around people, especially people who I don’t know very well. I get extremely nervous, especially in small group situations where I am forced to answer questions with the rest of the group. Because I had always been shamed in most of my attempts to speak as a child, I feel the same thing will still happen now, and sometimes it still does. Sometimes I find that I even feel panicked enough that I want to run from a room. I find myself always needing to sit near an exit or as close to the end of a table as possible. I always need an escape route, just in case a situation arises that I can’t handle.

I doubt this fear will ever go away. I have hid my fear so well, that I don’t think my own family even realizes how much I still do struggle with it sometimes. I have not overcome my fear by any means, but I think I do a really good job of keeping this fear of being humiliated under control. I often avoid situations where I know I will be vulnerable. I have learned what types of situations to stay away from and which ones are okay. I deal with my fear of being humiliated on a daily basis and jump hurdles as they come.

For some reason, just writing about this has been therapeutic for me. Maybe I have just been trying to bury this fear of mine for too long. It’s best to discuss the things that bother us. It helps us understand why we do the things we do and why we are the kind of person that we are.