“If your Bible is closed, then you will feel distant from God. His word and truth are written there. It’s a gateway, not just a book, a two-way highway to heaven.” ~Carl Webber
This quote was written by my closest friend and confidant, and every time I see it, I feel convicted to pick up my Bible and read it. I love this quote so much, that I printed it out and have it framed on a shelf in my office. It’s a constant reminder to me of a truth that I often try to deny. I’ve really been struggling in recent days. It’s very hard to believe and have faith in God when he isn’t here in the flesh. And even though I still feel his presence every single day, I just wish he’d reveal more of himself to me. I think anyone who believes in God feels like this from time to time. I guess I’m just feeling very discouraged at the moment. My life isn’t how I want it to be, and deep down, I think I often try to blame God for my unhappiness. But I’ve got to remember that he didn’t promise me a perfect life, and I really should be grateful to him that I have any life at all. Anyway, these are the thoughts swirling around my head on this beautiful Monday afternoon. Hope all of you are having a good start to your week. ~M xo
Where to begin… I really have no idea what to write about. Everything I’d been considering earlier, sounded so much better as I was standing in the shower this morning. However, I do think that this quote sort of sums things up for me today. It’s too bad all of the muck in my life, couldn’t have somehow broken free and lost its way down that drain. No matter what I do, the problems and issues I’m currently facing, just never seem to go away. I suppose I feel that I have come to a place in my life, of complete discontent and unhappiness. So much so, that I have been trying to find happiness in all the wrong places and have set myself up for failure during the process. Backtracking is the hardest thing of all, because once we move forward, we can never seem to go back the same way we came. True the saying goes… nothing ventured, nothing gained. But then again, I think I’ve been testing the fire with my bare hands, and now I’m paying the price for that. Life… does it ever get any easier? Sigh…
Quote found at: pinterest.com
“I often feel guilty for being happy.” ~M
I was once given a death threat by a roommate of mine, who claimed that I was too happy. She threatened to slit my throat while I slept, because she said I was way too happy all the time. For some reason my happiness really bothered her.
After spending months in the same room with this girl, she was finally taken forcefully from the barracks, and transported to a psychiatric ward. She was found to have knives strapped to her thighs, and a suicide letter next to her bed.
I have found it hard to be happy in front of people since that day. I feel that somehow my happiness only seems to bring others down, who are not experiencing the same joy in their own lives. Maybe there is still a part of me that fears what may happen, if perhaps I am too joyful around others. Regardless, I am very cautious now and I doubt that will ever change.
It’s so sad to me, that we live in a world where even our own happiness can be threatening to others who long to be happy themselves. I wish I didn’t have to feel guilty for being happy as often as I do. I suppose this is another reason why I find myself wanting to be alone so often. Secluding myself from others, means that I will never have to hurt them.
Life is so difficult at times, this is just another example of why I feel like I can never fully be myself around others. It’s a sad state we live in, when we cannot even show our own happiness.
Photo found at: sonalororra.wordpress.com