A dream that I will never forget…

December 8, 2015June 20, 2016 ~ ~M ~ 40 Comments

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I dreamt this dream so very long ago that the exact date escapes me, but here goes my best recollection. I believe the dream came to me in 2005 and it was at this time in my life when I was suffering through a spiritual battle that had been waging war over my soul for fifteen long years. The battle was now reaching its climax and I would either defeat this battle or lose everything in the process. Little did I know that this dream would serve as a turning point in my life. Here is what was going on in my life during the years that led up to this dream…

Without my knowledge, but as I would come to realize later, the Lord was fighting alongside me every step of the way. I fought him daily and searched for answers to my questions in the darkest of places. I felt as if my whole life had been a lie and I wanted the truth for once in my life. I had come to the conclusion that God must not be who I thought he was; because if he was, certainly he would be helping me, instead of always causing me so much pain.

I chose to look for another god, one who fit into my idea of what God should look like, one who could make me happier, one who didn’t ask so much of me. I fell into a hopeless tailspin as I searched and I was sucked into a pit that I couldn’t climb out of. I searched out every lie that had ever been told and I tried to believe every last one of them. I was certain that I could convince myself that the one true God wasn’t real, that somehow there must be another. So I searched and searched…

At first, I found other gods to be quite interesting and I felt as if I could somehow be happier if I could just understand their mysterious ways. I began my spiritual journey of self-improvement by studying natural health and I fell in love with the natural ways of healing. I found quotes by Buddha inspiring and listened to meditation music in order to relax and cleanse my soul of the darkness that I felt. I thought about ideas like reincarnation and how such transformations could quite possibly be truthful. I bought books about other religions of the world and studied them in order to find the true meaning of life.

I was convinced that I had been brainwashed my entire life. Surely there was no such thing as a man named Jesus who had come to earth to save me from my unrighteous ways. Did I really need saving anyway? Life seemed so much easier not having to live out all of those silly commandments and I wanted to be free of the condemnation that I constantly felt from other Christians. I assumed everything I had grown up believing was false, because I surely wasn’t getting anywhere fast by following Christ. I figured if the God I had been told about really existed, that my life would be wonderful all of the time. If he truly loved me, wouldn’t I feel that love always? Wouldn’t I be free of the pain and the suffering that I was constantly being tormented with? I was convinced he was the biggest lie of all and yet every time I turned my back on him, every time I tried to be free of his steadfast love, I felt the darkness growing inside of me; consuming me to the point in which I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

I went so far as to apply for a job working at a nature preserve, where a Wiccan clan needed a part-time secretary. Their lives seemed so much more happy and fulfilling and they seemed like they had everything figured out. I wanted what they had for myself and so I attended their workshops and grew in love with their peaceful ideas. I received a call one night from them, asking me to come in and interview on Halloween night. They said that I could come and join their party and wanted to interview me during the night’s events. As I spoke with the woman on the phone, my heart sunk deeper into my chest. I could hardly breathe and a pit formed in my stomach that was like nothing I had ever felt. Oh I so wanted to go and make a new life for myself, but something held me back. I started to tell the woman that I would be there, but somehow my words changed and I ended up telling her that I had other plans and that I wouldn’t be able to come. I was furious with myself when I hung up the phone and yet somehow I felt lighter, as if some of the darkness within me had somehow just evaporated.

A few years went by and I continued my schooling in natural health. I also continued to look for ways to make my life more fulfilling. I quit my job working as a laboratory assistant for a Biotechnology company and my family and I moved to the country where I discovered some of the much needed peace that I had been searching for. I still kept searching for some sense of truth, but I just couldn’t seem to find anything that made sense to me. Every time I sought a new religious idea, every time I flew in a different direction, reaching out for answers, I couldn’t find an ounce of truth in any of them. Sure, many ideas were lovely thoughts and some even brought me temporary happiness, but it was all fruitless in the end and my joy continued to leave me, as I sank further and further into the depths of despair. Which now leads me to my dream…

I was in a pitch black room and tried blinking my eyes a few times so that my eyes would adjust to the darkness that engulfed me. I realized very quickly that I was sitting on the lap of a giant man. He had to be at least eight feet tall and was dressed like a roman soldier. His attire was red and gold in color and he had leather straps that wove their way up his legs in order to affix his sandals to his feet. The armor he wore was shiny and new and he looked as if he had the strength of a thousand men.

He was completely bald and clean shaven. The massiveness of his body made me look tiny in comparison and he held me close against his body. His arms were wrapped firmly around me, yet lovingly and gentle. As I looked up into his eyes, I saw a tear escape and slide down his brilliant face. He was the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes upon. His skin was the color of bronze and his eyes spoke of a love that of which I had never known. There was a brilliant glow that seemed to flow freely about his entire body. The glow resembled a wave of light and left me feeling complete elation as I reveled in his splendid beauty.

His head hung low, as if he were deeply saddened by something or someone and I began to look around the room to see if I could figure out what was causing him so much pain. Now that my eyes had begun to adjust to the darkness, I noticed shadows all around us. Their presence spoke of a deadly evil that lurked in the shadows of the vilest of places and they charged at us from all directions.

After focusing a little more, I noticed their daggers were plunging deep into his body. His loving arms were protecting me from the sharp blades that pierced his flesh over and over again. Then I noticed that he was actually moving the entire time as I sat there quietly in his lap. It was if he was moving at warp speed, blocking every dagger that was meant to take my life. I looked back up into his eyes and even though he did not speak, I understood that the life I had been living apart from him, had been literally killing him.

He was suffering because of my sin and he was absorbing all of the attacks that were meant for me. He was doing all of this in order to save me from the evil that I had let come into my life. Once realizing my mistake, I began to cry and he held me in his loving arms, rocking me and gently wiping away every tear that escaped my worn out earthly body. I had never felt so loved in all my life and I didn’t want to leave him. I snuggled in closer to his body. The warmth of his love spread through me like a fire that could not be contained and when I suddenly awakened, I knew that he was real.

For the first time in my life, I now understood what I could never figure out on my own. I felt his love as it burned through my body, consuming me to the most inner parts of my being. I wept in the darkness of my bedroom. Wanting him back and yet realizing now that he was actually there and always had been. I just needed him to show me who he was and how much he really did love me. I needed him to hold me in order to feel his true presence and he gave me what my heart had desired for so long.

The feelings of his love from that moment on, have stayed with me since then and I will never forget the glimpse into his world that he showed me that day. Jesus is the light in the darkness when we cannot find our way. He is our healer and our creator and he is everything that I ever wanted and so much more. I wasted so many years searching for the truth, when all along he was right there, holding me in his loving arms and he never let me go. Even when I turned away, he never released me, he just held on tighter until I finally found my way back to him. He is my God, my King, and my Savior now and forever. May He reign on high forevermore.

Twenty- five things I’ve learned over the past year…

December 4, 2015December 4, 2015 ~ ~M ~ 5 Comments

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With the New Year approaching, I got to thinking about the things that I have learned over this last year. Here’s a few of them I thought I’d share…

Twenty- five things I’ve learned over the past year…

1.) To love others as if it’s my last chance.

2.) Not to over burden people with my struggles.

3.) To guard my heart; because once a piece is lost, you can never get it back.

4.) To let go of things I can’t change.

5.) That the grass is never greener on the other side.

6.) To choose my battles carefully.

7.) Not to joke with serious people.

8.) To love God above all else.

9.) That age doesn’t have anything to do with maturity.

10.) To never think that something can’t happen to me.

11.) That true happiness is achieved when you live each day as if it’s your last.

12.) That doing what I love, is more important than making sure my house is clean.

13.) That each new day brings a whole new load of challenges with it.

14.) That children emulate their parents to exact proportions.

15.) That music can help mend a broken heart.

16.) That finding our passions in life and living them out, brings about true happiness.

17.) That cell phones have killed real communication.

18.) That laughing every day helps more than prescription drugs.

19.) To spend as much time with my kids as I can, before they move out on their own.

20.) Not to be afraid to be the one who loves the most.

21.) That hugging should be required at least three times a day and at our house we have morning, noon, and nighttime hugs. (My daughter invented this rule and she never misses a moment to remind me of this.)

22.) To always keep Kleenex within arm’s reach for all kinds of situations.

23.) To take every opportunity that is set before me and run with it.

24.) That coffee always tastes better when you’re on a coffee date with a friend.

25.) That nobody will ever agree with everything you say and that’s quite okay.

How about you? What have you learned over this past year or over the course of your lifetime…

Photo credit: livingrichwithcoupons.com

The continuation… Day 15 of our 21 day adventure

December 2, 2015October 26, 2015 ~ ~M ~ 6 Comments

The continuation…

Taking one last peek over the edge of the cliff, I know that it’s now time to head back down into the valley below. The adrenaline rush is still pulsing through my veins though and I don’t want this feeling to end. People are coming in droves now and it’s making the trail harder to maneuver. A few hours later, we are finally back where we started.

We stop and eat the lunch at the picnic area and then decide to catch the shuttle that will take us to the Zion Museum. The museum isn’t very big, and doesn’t take us long to wander through. We buy a couple of souvenirs and head back out once more to find another hiking trail. I immediately spot another trail right outside of the museum and we hike for another two miles until we find ourselves in a quiet cove by the Virgin River. It’s a beautiful spot to sit and think and would be the perfect place to spend a long lazy afternoon. Tired as we are though, we decide that it’s best if we go back to the hotel to rest for a while.

Before long, my nephew Levi gets bored and so we all decide to take him over to the local rock shop again. Levi has fun examining each rock closely and cannot settle his mind on just picking out one. He loves them all! After spending nearly an hour shopping for rocks, we’re all realizing how hungry we are from all the hiking and walking that we’ve done today and we decide to head south on the highway to see if we can find a restaurant down in the city of Hurricane.

After driving for about 45 minutes, we finally spot a Mexican restaurant adjacent to a movie theatre. We contemplate a movie, but nothing looks interesting, so instead we go inside the restaurant to eat dinner. The restaurant offers take-out or dining-in and we decide to stay there to eat. The food turns out to be really good and reasonably priced.

After eating our fill, we decide to head over to Walmart to by some water shoes for our hike tomorrow through the Narrows. After finding out that there are no water shoes left in my size, I decide to settle on a pair of tennis shoes to wear instead. After buying shoes for everyone and a few random items that we were in need of, we are now heading back to the hotel for the night.

We are relieved to find a parking space when we return to the hotel and we drag ourselves into the room with hardly an energy left. It been a long but glorious day and most definitely my favorite day yet.

Premonition

November 30, 2015November 29, 2015 ~ ~M ~ 17 Comments

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Even though I’d had an early start, I was restless and eager to get to where I was headed. My mind was preoccupied with venturous thoughts and little did I know that my carefree attitude would soon lead to my demise. The drive was relaxing and gave me time to think about what it would be like when I finally got to my destination. These feelings of excitement left me giddy and it was with great anticipation that I drove onward in my quest for adventure.

After a quick stop, I was refreshed and ready to drive the last remaining distance. Once back on the highway, I became briefly flustered, forgetting which way I needed to go. Just as the thought crossed my mind, I passed an alternate highway on my left and wondered if I had just missed my turn.

Panic stricken, I looked into my rear-view mirror and watched the road to the left quickly disappear from view. Remembering that I had seen an exit to the right coming up ahead, I shifted my eyes to the front and began to slide over to the right lane to head for the exit. I suddenly realized that the road was now two lanes instead of three, and the lane I was trying to slide into had suddenly disappeared.

Panicked once again, I veered to the left to avoid the ditch that I was headed for. The sudden swerve left me facing oncoming traffic and after realizing my mistake, I pulled the steering wheel to the left in hopes of avoiding a collision.

Now in a tail spin, the velocity forced me back against my seat. The spinning continued and left the car moving closer and closer to the concrete barrier that now separated the highway. The car skidded towards the barrier faster and faster. The force thrust me against the driver’s side door and at that moment I knew that my life was over.

I thought of my family and how I would never get to see them again; never say goodbye… I thought even if I did make it, I would surely be battered and broken beyond repair. The impact hit with tremendous force and I felt as if I were suffocating. The world became pitch black in that moment. A heaviness engulfed my entire body and I couldn’t move. I didn’t feel any pain, but felt as if I had been buried alive.

I continued to breathe, but the breath was not my own. I felt as if I needed to open my eyes. I needed to awaken and wanted so badly to be able to speak. I had a strong will and desire to break free of whatever constrained me. Even with this overwhelming desire, I couldn’t make my body do what it asked. My chest grew heavier, more constricted. The weight of a thousand bricks was surely upon me and still my chest rose in breath, but no breath did I take. I was frightened by the darkness that I couldn’t escape. Lost in a world that was neither here nor there. Surely this couldn’t be death… or could it?