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My fear of being humiliated started as a young child in Elementary School. It developed over years of being harassed, teased, embarrassed, and sometimes even physically hurt through the abuse of other kids my own age. The humiliation I endured as a child was never realized by either of my parents and even if it had been, I doubt that they would have done much to stop the incidents from happening; not because they were bad parents, just because this was normal school behavior that was commonly accepted back then.

The humiliation that I lived with never ended and only got worse as I got older. The kids I went to school with tormented me to the point that I considered suicide as a teenager. At that time, I tried to reach out to my parents for help, but they didn’t seem to understand the severity of the situation and I think they were almost afraid to even try to help me. I believe it’s by the grace of God that I am even still alive.

I still have a very deep fear of being around people, especially people who I don’t know very well. I get extremely nervous, especially in small group situations where I am forced to answer questions with the rest of the group. Because I had always been shamed in most of my attempts to speak as a child, I feel the same thing will still happen now, and sometimes it still does. Sometimes I find that I even feel panicked enough that I want to run from a room. I find myself always needing to sit near an exit or as close to the end of a table as possible. I always need an escape route, just in case a situation arises that I can’t handle.

I doubt this fear will ever go away. I have hid my fear so well, that I don’t think my own family even realizes how much I still do struggle with it sometimes. I have not overcome my fear by any means, but I think I do a really good job of keeping this fear of being humiliated under control. I often avoid situations where I know I will be vulnerable. I have learned what types of situations to stay away from and which ones are okay. I deal with my fear of being humiliated on a daily basis and jump hurdles as they come.

For some reason, just writing about this has been therapeutic for me. Maybe I have just been trying to bury this fear of mine for too long. It’s best to discuss the things that bother us. It helps us understand why we do the things we do and why we are the kind of person that we are.

My Story

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It’s been quite a few years since I decided to have a personal relationship with Jesus. In fact, it’s been about thirty eight years. I can still remember the moment my mother sat me down and asked me if I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart. I was five years old and surprisingly well beyond my years when it came to spiritual matters. We said a prayer together and I remember feeling quite comforted to know that Jesus would be with me for the rest of my life.

When I was sixteen years old, I rededicated my life to Jesus through baptism. It was a big step for me, but I wanted everyone to know that I was ready to make a life long commitment to serving God and also to show others how important living for Him was to me. As I grew older though, it was so hard to stay focused on God and avoid the temptations that I was constantly faced with. I gave in so many times to lustful relationships and just figured that there was no turning back. I felt so much guilt for what I had done, that I felt unworthy to ever face God again.

After getting married, I struggled even more with my relationship with God. I started to think that maybe Jesus wasn’t really who I thought he was. Maybe my life of going to church and being brought up thinking that Jesus was my savior was all wrong. I especially struggled because my husband did not have the same beliefs as me and we constantly disagreed on anything spiritual. He hadn’t grown up in church and he really had no idea why anybody would want to go in the first place.

I finally decided that I needed to find out once and for all what the truth really was. So I searched long and hard for answers to my questions. I questioned everything to the point of almost not wanting to believe in anything. I loved my husband so much, and I think I had almost resigned myself to the fact that if he wasn’t going to be in heaven with me because of his unbelief, than I didn’t want to be there either. I couldn’t imagine spending eternity without him and I had pretty much given up on the idea that he would ever have a relationship with Jesus.

I had almost given up all hope, when my husband lost his job and he thought that his life was over as a result. I didn’t know what to do to help him through his feelings of worthlessness and all I knew was that I had to pray. I was so scared that he was going to wind up doing something drastic and I prayed to God that He would keep him safe. A little over a week after my husband lost his job, he accepted Jesus as his Savior. Seeing the miracle that God performed in my husband’s life, really opened my eyes and helped me to see that I had been on the right track all these years. I just needed God to remind me of what he was capable of doing and he did that through my husband.

I am still in awe every time I think of the miracle that God showed me. He took hold of my husband’s hand that day, when he was so distraught and discouraged from losing his job. He led him home to me, and showed him the path to salvation. God never stops amazing me and I don’t see how I could ever possibly doubt his existence again. He is so real to me and closer to me now than he has ever been before. I think God saw that I was slipping away from him and he knew that by showing me a miracle, that he could reassure my faith in Him.  It just goes to show that God really does see everyone. He knows our struggles, each and every one of us. And in time, if we wait upon him, he really does direct our paths.thX26JL7EG

Proverbs 3:5, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. 

2 Corinthians 5:7, For we walk by faith. Not by sight. 

2 Thessalonians 3:5, May the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ.

The Red Balloon

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I was soon thinking back to my childhood days when I rediscovered the movie, “The Red Balloon” on Hulu. I started to wonder why they showed this movie so often in the 70’s at elementary schools across the nation. Were we all part of some government experiment? Was there a hidden meaning that I had not yet discovered? Do kids nowadays still watch this movie in school? I became so intrigued, that I watched the movie once again to see if I could figure out some of the answers to my questions. Unfortunately, I ended up having more questions than before. So, I decided to search the internet for answers. Lo and behold, I came across an article that is very well written and has a unique perspective on the movie. If you remember this movie as I do, I think you will find this article very insightful.

The Red Balloon: Written on the Wind


The Perfect Day

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My perfect day will be the day Jesus returns. I can think of no better place in time than that one glorious day. I can imagine myself simply doing my normal daily routine and then suddenly in the midst of it all, I hear this faint trumpet sound slowly getting louder and louder. I run outside and to my unbelieving eyes, I see Jesus! He’s coming down on a cloud filled with light and unrecognizable colors, displaying His awesomeness for all to see! The angels are flying from all four corners of the earth, filling the sky with shouts of, “Glory to God in the Highest! May the Son of God Reign Forever!” My face will be radiant because of the sight of His glorious face. Some people will be horrified, some simply bowing, and still others jumping for joy like me. Tears are running down my face, I am beyond words, I am finally seeing for myself the miracle of Jesus and marveling at His return. He is so far away, yet for some reason I see Him as if He is only inches away from my face. He has kind compassionate eyes and wisdom seeps from His innermost being. He is completely illuminated by the brightest light I have ever seen and He radiates love like no person I have ever known. He is astounding to me and I revel in His beauty. He is the purest most beautiful being that I have ever laid eyes upon and I feel as if I know Him intimately. I am finally seeing Him for the first time, yet it feels as if I somehow, we have met face to face long ago. I know Him and He knows me. He calls me home and calls me his.

This is my idea of a perfect day.  What’s yours?