“All it takes is the suffering of a single broken soul, to cause unending disasters to eventually unfold.” ~M
Well my new clothes dryer was delivered today and the darn thing actually performed a musical production for me when it was finished with its first load! I feel as if I’m supposed to dance around and sing now, like Snow White and Cinderella; and I was almost expecting happy little birds to fly out of the inner chamber, when I went to gather my clothes to fold them.
I guess the world is trying to develop ways to disguise our mundane tasks, and somehow help us “find the fun” like in Mary Poppins. And perhaps with the snap of our fingers, our jobs will become an amusing game! Lol….
Well, all I can say is… it did bring a smile to my face, when I thought about how completely ridiculous it is to have an appliance serenading me during the hustle and bustle of my day. Oh what will they think of next! 😜
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As I was heading out from dropping my daughter off at church tonight for Awana, someone stopped me to tell me how well-behaved my daughter always is. It’s so good to hear that your child is well liked by others and acting appropriately when they are away from you. And honestly, I am not surprised by the comment that was made. My daughter Autumn is 8 years old, and one of the happiest children that I have ever met.
She is always smiling, and loves to surround herself with people. It makes it very hard to home school her at times, for I fear that she isn’t getting the social interaction that she requires. And yet by being home schooled, I think it has helped her to stay so well adjusted. She doesn’t have to deal with the kids on the playground calling her names and she doesn’t have to worry about fitting in. She is so happy here at home, that I often wonder what a public school might do to her sweet spirit.
I myself, grew up going to a public school, and I learned from an early age to be very wary of the kids around me. Most of my classmates were affiliated with different gangs in the area, and most would insist that I choose a side. Weapons were routinely brought to school and passed around, which made me feel very unsafe and ill prepared for whatever situation I might be forced into. I felt like an outsider most of the time, since I was one of the few Caucasian girls in my class. It made such a difference, because so often I couldn’t speak their language, and so even if I had wanted to, I couldn’t interact with the majority of the kids around me.
I also grew up in a very poor area of town, and so even during the day, it was dangerous to walk the streets alone. My mother kept me very sheltered because of it, and I wasn’t allowed to do much of anything or go anywhere, because my mother feared what might happen to me if she let me out of her sight for even a minute.
Now that I have my own four girls, I don’t blame my mother for being so overprotective, but I do wish she had been a little less stringent, and perhaps allowed me a bit more freedom than she did. But who knows… by doing that, something terrible could have happened to me, and so I have to believe that she did the best she could, and her over protectiveness probably benefited me in ways, in which I will never fully understand.
On the way home tonight, I couldn’t stop thinking about the comment made about my daughter, and I began to wonder what life would have been like, had Autumn’s twin been born as well. I don’t bring it up very often, but I had a miscarriage early on in my pregnancy with her, and another miscarriage the year prior.
As I think back to that time in my life, I still feel so much grief over losing them. I often sit and wonder about each one; what their personalities would have been like, their potential likes and dislikes, how they would have looked, etc…. And I find myself daydreaming, about how different my life would be now, had they both been born.
It still breaks my heart, knowing that I will never be able to hold either one of them in my arms and rock them to sleep, or sing them a lullaby before tucking them into bed. And when I see my daughter Autumn’s bright smiling face, I just want to wrap my arms around her and never let her go. She is such an amazing blessing to me, as are my other three girls. So today, I just want to say how thankful I am, for the children I do have, and for the loving personalities of each one. I feel amazingly blessed.
It’s been awhile since I wrote a Him vs. Her, and there’s been a few things that I’ve wanted to share, so here goes…
As I’ve spoken of in recent days, hubby and I have been having quite a bit of trouble getting through these past two years. We’re coming up on 23 years of marriage in February and although things haven’t been the best, I see a ton of progress being made in our relationship.
One thing that has recently changed, is the fact that hubby began to ask himself why we weren’t connecting the way we ought to be. He started praying about a lot of things that he had been struggling with, and asking God to show him where he was going wrong.
One morning he suddenly woke up, and announced to me that he was no longer going to be the man that just let life pass him by. He vowed to encourage me in my own faith, to stop withholding his love from me, and promised to become the man that I deserve.
I was quite taken back from his sudden change of heart. I truly wondered if he was serious. After so many years of me feeling rejected and unloved by him, I wondered why he wanted to change now. I was actually a bit angry at first, and wondered why he waited almost 23 years to change his tune and be the man that I had always hoped he would be.
It’s been about a month now, and my head is still spinning from the changes that I see in him. I still have my doubts that things will stay this way and I am unsure of how to act sometimes, because I had gotten so used to feeling as if I didn’t matter to him. I felt ignored, unimportant, and very unhappy most of the time.
So now confusion is setting in. I keep asking myself… Is this real? Will this last? And do I really want to give him a chance to fix what’s been broken for so long? My stubborn side tells me not to give in; warns me that he had his chance, and reminds me that my heart has since moved on. And yet the part of me that has never stopped loving him, tells me to forgive and forget; to let go of the past and move forward, because obviously God has taken his heart and changed it for the good.
I feel vulnerable in accepting the possibility that he really has changed. I feel like I could wake up tomorrow and be taken for granted once again. I don’t think I can handle another 23 years of feeling that way and I’m almost fearful of being blindsided and letting that happen again.
I have become stronger in these last two years. Learning to be more independent of him because he wasn’t always there, and quite honestly, I grew to love the freedom of being alone, because it meant that I didn’t have to continue feeling rejected by him. I used writing as my escape and felt like I didn’t need him anymore.
So now, I have a choice to make. I am struggling every day to either accept this unexpected gift that apparently God has given me, or throw it all away because I’m stubborn and tired of trying. It sounds like an easy choice, and yet I’m fighting against my own will to keep myself from getting hurt. My heart just won’t let me forget all the suffering and the pain, which plagued me for so long. And yet I know what I must do.
In recent days, I have been blessed with loving words of affirmation, by my husband who is trying so very hard to make things right. Tonight I spent some time going through all the notes that he’s been leaving for me over the past month, and I affixed them to the tree that I painted on my office wall. I decided that I needed these loving reminders, to help me move forward. I need to forget the years of bad memories and replace them with the good ones that we are finally making together. I think I may eventually win this battle after all.
Ok… so weird things are happening around here lately. The first thing that’s odd, is that my printer keeps realigning and acting as if it’s about to print something, even though I haven’t attempted to print anything all day. It’s a little eerie, when you’re alone in your office and the printer comes alive all of a sudden.
Secondly, I finally decided to install a My Book Premium Storage backup system for my laptop, and of course I couldn’t get the darn thing to even show up on my computer as a recognizable device! It turned out after a few hours of troubleshooting, that I just needed to plug it into a different USB port. Geez…. I wish somebody could have told me, that all ports don’t work the same!
The third and final mishap of the day, is that all of the blog comments that people have been leaving me lately, have been going directly to my spam folder, and I recently found out that there have been some comments, which I haven’t been getting at all! For instance, my hubby sent me a comment today and it never even showed up. Not even in the spam folder! If I wasn’t married to the man, I never would have known!
Oh the joys of technology!
With all the advances in modern technology, where’s the darn time machine so that I can finally go back! 😉
GIF found at: huffingtonpost.com
In the spirit of Halloween, here’s the beginning of a short story, that I wrote a couple of years ago. Enjoy!
Nobody knows my secret and sometimes I doubt who I am myself. There’s a part of me that misses being human and another part of me that remembers the heartache that human life brings. The emotional ties to people no longer exist in my current state. I am finally able to be who I’ve always wanted to be, free of the emotional hang ups that used to rip my heart right out of my chest. Now I call the shots, I make the rules, I set the stage. Isn’t this what living should be? Nobody telling me what to do or how to live my life. But then, why do I feel so alone sometimes… so lost? I don’t even care that I just killed an innocent person, I needed to feed and they were there. It was an easy choice, too easy I suppose. But isn’t that the thrill of being a vampire? Taking what you want, anytime, anywhere and never thinking twice about who you hurt. What more could I want out of life? And yet, I wonder… is there something more? Am I missing a key piece, to this puzzle called life? Should I be afraid of who I have become? I guess only time will tell and until then, I know I will enjoy this deranged way of living. I can’t wait to meet my next victim. They always seem so surprised to see me, and I can literally hear their hearts beating right out of their chests before I go in for the kill. It’s always the same in every person I come across, and in an instant they are free from the agony of this terrible world; this sad, chaotic, frightful world. So I guess in a way, I am really just doing them a favor, and in return, I get to continue living an eternity of blood lusting bliss. I do feel some pity for the young ones that cross my path. But unfortunately for them, my instincts are purely animalistic and I have no conscience either way. I have hardly any recollection on how I ended up like this. It seems like a dream that happened long ago. I may never fully regain my memory of that particular day, but on occasion I do see glimpses of my past. The images I see are hazy at best, and feelings of emptiness flood my mind as I try to hold onto a particular memory when they do flash by. I always see the same image, a dark shadowy figure of a man coming towards me, and then in the very next instant, a bright light flashes all around me. Then there’s nothing… nothing at all.
Well, today was a much better day. I still don’t have a working cell phone, but I rather enjoyed unplugging for once and I think I accomplished a lot more because of it. I’m still writing for Channillo, and so I added another chapter to my series today. I’m up to 6 subscribers now! Woo hoo! Lol…. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but honestly… those 6 subscribers mean the world to me right now. There’s just something about knowing that somebody, (anybody at all) is reading my very first book! It tickles me to no end! Yes, I’m smiling from ear to ear and doing the happy dance because of it.
Anyway, another thing that has me blissfully happy today, is the fact that I have been asked to start selling my poetry at one of our local shops downtown. Today I was finally able to order most of the supplies that I will need. I was able to find a ton of frames and mats on sale. Now I just need to figure out how to personalize and decorate each one, to really make them stand out. I’m just so excited to finally have the opportunity to move forward with selling some of my work. I am no longer letting these opportunity’s pass me by. It’s do or die time, and I need to be smart for once and take these God given opportunities that are finally crossing my path and just run with them.
Things on the home front have been improving. Hubby and I have really been working through some tough issues and I believe that we are finally making immense progress. My future seems to be clearer than it has been in a long time, and we have even been talking about writing a book together. Hubby’s a huge history buff and I’m not very good with remembering historical details as much as he is, so I think by combining my love for writing and his love of history, we may end up coming up with something pretty amazing. He’s been jotting down some ideas, and I think after the first of the year, we will begin to have some time to really sit down and plan what we want to write about.
I was gone all last week, as my oldest daughter recently got married in California. The ceremony was beautiful and each of them wrote their own vows to one another. I feel truly blessed, knowing that my daughter was able to find such an amazing husband. She is in good hands and I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that she will be well cared for. They are both currently full-time missionary’s and seem excited to stay in the mission field.
Now that I’m back in Wisconsin, I’m really missing the warm weather that we had out there. Of course I don’t miss the constant traffic that we had to deal with and the fast pace of life that seems to be the norm out there. After growing up in California, I vowed never to move back. (And really how can you, when each house is a million dollars plus on average.) I am still very much content in my choice to stay in the mid-west, where daily life is more relaxed, less expensive, and where I can actually breathe the air without coughing up a lung.
Today has been a wonderful day, I slept in late, ran errands, went to our church small group this evening, and then I came home and proceeded with the normal day to day stuff that I needed to catch up on. I feel content and happy right now and since it’s getting late here, I should sign off. So if you’re reading this, I really do hope that you have a wonderful God filled week, full of joy and happiness. Much love, to all my faithful readers. You guys are the best! ~M xoxo
I finally had to take my phone in to get it repaired 2 weeks ago. I only had the phone 3 months, and then the motherboard died. So less than 2 weeks ago, the Apple store gave me a brand new one and sent me on my way. Unfortunately, the charging port is deficient in this new one, and so I have another appointment next weekend to get a replacement for this phone.
Let’s just see how many replacements I’ll need, before I actually get a phone that works! Oh and it only took 3 calls to Apple (they hung up on me 2 times) before I finally got ahold of a REAL person! Then they said I had to go online to set up the appointment, because their scheduling system was down. So I went online and after a few hours of trying to figure out how to schedule an appointment, I finally have one!
Hallelujah, Holy Shit!! Where’s the Tylenol!?! (Yes…. I absolutely love that quote from Christmas Vacation) Ugh…. So as you can see, I’m a little frustrated right now; and to top it all off, I have to drive almost 2 hours each way, just to get to the Apple store!
I’m almost thinking of just getting rid of my phone altogether; yet I love it for GPS capability and the camera. I’m afraid as much as I travel, I’d be completely lost without it. So anyway, I probably won’t be checking social media, email, or reading as many blogs as I usually do, until I get my new phone. It’s unfortunate, but I just don’t have the opportunity to get on my computer, as often as I do my phone.
Ok… I think I’m done with my rant for this evening…. Here’s to the many little frustrating things in life, that get us all riled up. Cheers! ~ M 🍻
Photo credit: pinterest.com
Photo credit: themodernnomad.com
“Life often brings immense pain, but it also brings unending joy after the rain.” ~M
Photo credit: galleryhip.com
“The best compliment is when somebody accepts a compliment.” ~M
Photo credit: huffingtonpost.com
Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit Copper Falls State Park, in northern Wisconsin. Hubby and I have been having quite a rough patch lately and so we decided that we really needed a day away to just enjoy the beauty of God’s wonderful creation. Whenever we’re feeling far away from each other, we are usually feeling very much apart from God as well, and it always seems the closer we get to God, the closer we get to each other.
It’s been a very tough year for us and I have been searching for answers to try and sort things out for both of us. It’s hard to admit it, but I really feel like we have drifted apart in a way that makes it very difficult to reconnect. I would say outwardly, we look like the perfect couple. We never fight or argue, we have fun together, we laugh, we are still very intimate, and we generally like to spend time with each other. I know most people would be saying at this point, well than what’s the problem?
The problem seems to be a heart issue with me. I love this man of mine dearly, but I don’t feel that I am in-love with him. I find myself so often wishing that I could change the way I feel about him, but the more I try, the more hopeless I become. Can I stay married to somebody that I am not in-love with? I would say absolutely yes. I have lived this way for so long now, feeling this way about him, and so it has become routine for me. I don’t believe in divorce and I know that life isn’t always greener on the other side anyway. So I feel I just need to go along with who I chose to be with, who I made lifelong vows to, and just accept the fact that there is one significant piece missing, and hope I will someday find that missing piece within our relationship.
We have a very unique relationship in that he knows my deepest darkest secrets, and I know his as well. Knowing those things is very hard and not always easy to understand, and yet we both accept each other for who we are and try to move forward every day. Neither one of us has ever wanted to give up on the other, and he has really been patient with me lately, just wanting me to find happiness, even if it isn’t with him. And so we continue on, hoping that the future will bring clarity to both of us. Life isn’t always easy, but I believe I am blessed in a million amazing ways and I never want to take those blessings for granted.
Where to begin… I really have no idea what to write about. Everything I’d been considering earlier, sounded so much better as I was standing in the shower this morning. However, I do think that this quote sort of sums things up for me today. It’s too bad all of the muck in my life, couldn’t have somehow broken free and lost its way down that drain. No matter what I do, the problems and issues I’m currently facing, just never seem to go away. I suppose I feel that I have come to a place in my life, of complete discontent and unhappiness. So much so, that I have been trying to find happiness in all the wrong places and have set myself up for failure during the process. Backtracking is the hardest thing of all, because once we move forward, we can never seem to go back the same way we came. True the saying goes… nothing ventured, nothing gained. But then again, I think I’ve been testing the fire with my bare hands, and now I’m paying the price for that. Life… does it ever get any easier? Sigh…
Quote found at: pinterest.com