How can I forget?

coffee-1869647_1280 (1)

 

I’ve got the past, present, and future all on my mind today. I keep trying to overcome the past, but the present just won’t let me forget, which makes the future look like it’ll just be more of the same. And I’m so tired of thinking about the past. Most days, I wish that somehow I could forget everything, and then perhaps I could overcome and heal from the things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. But no matter what I do, or what I try, I can’t forget the hurts, the struggles, and the reality of my life. I still think that it’s possible to overcome the past, but I think in order to do that, I need to face those issues head-on and stop sweeping them under the rug.

I’ve been on WordPress for five years now, and I have made some amazing friends, but the majority of you don’t really know me. I have been a closed book for a very long time, and that is mainly because I’ve been trying to protect my family and friends from knowing what’s really been going on. Sometimes I feel like it makes things worse to be open and honest with the ones you love. I think most people would say that some things should never be talked about because they are just too hard for most people to handle. But because I’ve been keeping things bottled up, I feel like I’m almost at my breaking point now. I’ve been mostly dealing with everything on my own, with very little support from anyone except a few close friends. And I feel like I don’t even want to tell my close friends everything because I don’t like overwhelming people with my problems. Everyone already has enough to deal with in their own lives, and I don’t want to be the kind of friend who heaps on more. I think this is why I’ve alienated nearly everyone from my life. I’ve been afraid that if I stayed close to anyone, that I might accidentally explode and reveal all of the things that I’ve been trying to work through.

After thinking things over while I was on vacation this month, I feel like I am only doing myself an injustice by not saying anything, and I’m on the verge of baring my heart and soul to everyone. I know I have already lost the majority of the connections with my family and friends, and so I don’t think I could do any more damage than I already have. But at the same time, I am still trying to protect my immediate family from some very damaging issues. I’ve been wanting to see a counselor, and discuss some of these issues there, but I’ve tried to find someone in the past, and our insurance wouldn’t cover the cost of those visits. So I’m sort of in a weird dilemma right now. I feel like I need to start talking about all the things that I should have addressed years ago. I think talking about them, and getting them out in the open is the only way to fix anything. I’m still not sure if writing about all of this on my blog is the best approach, but I need to do something; I just wish I knew what to do.

~M

Advertisements

What? Can’t I just stay in hibernation?

chipmunk-2556399_1280

I’ve been pushing everyone in my life away.  I’ve always been like this, but over the past several years, the urge to be completely alone has gotten worse. The moment I feel like someone isn’t making an effort to be a part of my life, I start to pull away from them.  It’s a defense mechanism I’ve used all my life.  My parents were some of the very first people that I began to push away.  My mom and I had an especially strained relationship when I was growing up, and by the time I turned 18, I moved out and never looked back.  I wasn’t even done with high school at that point, but I was done feeling unwanted by her, and so I left.

This pattern has continued my entire life.  As soon as I feel like someone isn’t happy with me, or doesn’t want me, I pull away and just let them go.  It’s always seemed easier that way.  I like doing things for others, and I love giving as much as I possibly can to the people around me, but I don’t want to have to plead with someone to stay in my life and to want me around.  And I don’t feel like I have the energy to deal with all the drama that comes from complicated relationships anymore.  I guess that’s why I have a very limited number of close friends, and why I’m hesitant to get close to anybody else.

These are just the thoughts that are running through my mind at the moment.  I have a very good life, and plenty of people who I know love me and accept me, but right now, I just feel like pulling away from everyone.  I don’t want to leave myself open to anymore hurts.  I’ve had enough of it already, and so I feel like escaping the potential for more heartache by closing myself off and shutting down.  Anyway, I thought journaling would be a good thing for me right now, so I think I might start writing out my thoughts like this and posting them every now and then.  Since I don’t feel like being very social right now, I’ve closed the comments section.  I just need time alone; I think we all do once in a while.  Thanks for reading.  ~M xo

#MidnightMadness -10/19/2018 – The things kids say…

IMG-19291
Autumn (Age 10)

On the way home from school one day…

Autumn – “Mom, guess what my favorite class is this year!”

Me – “Umm… I’m not sure, tell me.”

Autumn – “It’s History, and guess why!”

Me – “Hmm… I’m still not sure, tell me why.”

Autumn – “It’s my favorite class because it hasn’t started yet!”

*She absolutely loathes History, so this came as no surprise, but it really made me laugh because of her cheeky behavior.  It’s never a dull moment around here.  Is it ever when you have kids?  Lol… 😉

#WeekendCoffeeShare – Life goes on…

coffee-1117933_960_720

Good morning everyone!  Come in and sit down and I’ll make you a cup of your very favorite hot or cold drink.  I have a variety of options, so take your pick.  I’m drinking a steamy mug of hot chocolate, which is filled to the brim with whipped cream.  And yes, I’m being naughty and not following my paleo diet to perfection at the moment, but once and awhile we all need a little flexibility in our lives, and after a month like this… well, let’s just say hot chocolate has been sort of a saving grace for me.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that my life has been completely turned upside down these days and I hardly even know where to begin.  I suppose I’ll start off by saying that I feel completely blessed and thankful that my two oldest daughters have both survived this month.  One had her home threatened by a huge fire out in California, and my other daughter who lives in Florida was in the middle of hurricane Irma.   Both are fine now, and that’s such a huge relief!

Here at home, there has been turmoil as well.  The first week of school was a bit rough, after finding out that hubby is deploying overseas and also that our 4 yr. old dog Pippa has bone cancer.  I’m trying my best to make Pippa as comfortable as possible, but the vet said her days are certainly numbered.  She may only live a few more months which is really sad to me.  Hubby felt so bad when he found out and misses us so much, that he made a surprise visit home over this past week.  It was nice to see him, but at the same time, it was so hard to say goodbye, especially knowing that it may be another year before I see him again.

Here’s some good news though, I had been dealing with depression at the beginning of this year and I’m feeling so much better.  I was also having some physical ailments that caused me to lose 22 lbs.  However, I am happy to say, that all of those issues seem to have been resolved.  It was determined that I was having some terrible side effects from one of the meds I was on and once I stopped taking that, I began to feel like myself again.

I am presently working on several poetry books and figure over this next year that I should be able to knock a few of them out while hubby is away.  That is of course if I don’t end up with any more hiccups.  All I can do is continue to try.  It’s been very hard to stay motivated and inspired.  I had a friend whom I wrote about here.  This friend was the one person in my life, who really inspired my early days of writing.  And even though he finally contacted me and ended up explaining why he no longer wanted to be friends, it has still been very difficult to continue on without him.

In fact, as some of you know, I started my new blog just a month ago and ended up taking all of my poems off of this one.  I needed a fresh start, as many of the poems I had written on this blog reminded me of my friend.  I knew I needed to finally let him go from my heart and mind, and came very close to deleting my blog altogether.  But I decided I couldn’t quit, and so instead I started over.  I also knew that eventually, I wanted to take my old poems off of my blog anyway, due to the fact that I do plan to publish them in the near future.   So ultimately, it forced me to do something prematurely that I knew I would eventually have to do anyway.

I know I haven’t been around as much lately as far as reading blogs goes, and I apologize to many of you who I haven’t visited on a regular basis like I used to.  But life has just taken its toll on me lately and I just haven’t had as much time for reading.  It’s hard to keep life in perfect balance and I know it’s foolish to even try.  I just hope that you all know how much I really do care about you.  When I say I love you guys, I really do mean it.  All of you here on WordPress have become like family to me.  It’s hard to explain it, but when you’re so isolated because you live in a place with hardly any family or friends around, your internet buddies become everything to you.  If you’ve written a coffee share this weekend, please leave me a link so that I can catch up with you.  Hope your week is filled with love and happiness!  ~M

502

Picking up the pieces

child-1424247_960_720

Today as I was preparing lunch for my 7 yr. old daughter, we had a bit of a disaster.  My daughter Autumn loves to be in the kitchen with me and I very much appreciate her help.  Unfortunately, today as she was reaching into the cupboard to grab a plate, the outcome didn’t end so well.  All of a sudden, I heard the sound of glass shattering and turned around to see what had happened.  Pieces of glass were everywhere, even at the far ends of the kitchen.  I immediately ran over to my daughter to make sure that she was okay.  I looked her over carefully, making sure that there weren’t any remnants of glass left on her.  Then, because she was barefoot, I carried her into the other room and checked her over for any scratches that she may have gotten.  Thankfully she was okay, and so with a huge sigh of relief, I then began the tedious process of cleaning up all of the glass.

It didn’t take long for me to notice just how tiny the pieces were.  Little slivers littered the countertop and dusted the floor.  I tried sweeping, vacuuming, and even mopping; anything to try and get rid of the tiny little shards, which seemed to be embedded into the hardwood floor.  The more pieces I picked up, the more pieces I seemed to find.  I thought I might never see the end of the mess.  Eventually, though, everything was cleaned up.  I put all of the cleaning supplies away and decided to finish making lunch.  Yet even then… after scouring, dusting, mopping, sweeping, and vacuuming, I still continued to find more remnants of glass.

This little incident reminded me of life, and how so often we face brokenness ourselves.  We pick up the pieces and go on, but we never quite seem to be able to find all of the pieces at once.  Then, once in a while, we’ll find a piece later on and sometimes it isn’t a very pleasant experience when we do.  We often find ourselves wounded when a piece is unexpectedly found.  Then we think to ourselves… I thought I had found all of those pieces, I wonder if there are still more left to find?  It makes us question whether or not we are really safe from the shards that seem to mar our past.  Will we keep finding more?  Or is it finally safe to walk around barefoot and freely once again?


Originally posted: April 14, 2016

Photo credit: pixabay.com

#MidnightMadness – 5/9/2017

Every night at the dinner table, we have somebody pose a question.  Tonight my daughter asked… “What’s the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?”  My husband immediately chimes in… “Nope, there’s not enough time in this life for that one!”  And straightaway he looks right at me and smirks.  Lol….

Here’s a few of them I’ve written about… what do you think, is he right?  😉

The Narrow Escape

It was the year 2117…

A dream that I will never forget…

Premonition

The Vision

Another Vision