What? Can’t I just stay in hibernation?

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I’ve been pushing everyone in my life away.  I’ve always been like this, but over the past several years, the urge to be completely alone has gotten worse. The moment I feel like someone isn’t making an effort to be a part of my life, I start to pull away from them.  It’s a defense mechanism I’ve used all my life.  My parents were some of the very first people that I began to push away.  My mom and I had an especially strained relationship when I was growing up, and by the time I turned 18, I moved out and never looked back.  I wasn’t even done with high school at that point, but I was done feeling unwanted by her, and so I left.

This pattern has continued my entire life.  As soon as I feel like someone isn’t happy with me, or doesn’t want me, I pull away and just let them go.  It’s always seemed easier that way.  I like doing things for others, and I love giving as much as I possibly can to the people around me, but I don’t want to have to plead with someone to stay in my life and to want me around.  And I don’t feel like I have the energy to deal with all the drama that comes from complicated relationships anymore.  I guess that’s why I have a very limited number of close friends, and why I’m hesitant to get close to anybody else.

These are just the thoughts that are running through my mind at the moment.  I have a very good life, and plenty of people who I know love me and accept me, but right now, I just feel like pulling away from everyone.  I don’t want to leave myself open to anymore hurts.  I’ve had enough of it already, and so I feel like escaping the potential for more heartache by closing myself off and shutting down.  Anyway, I thought journaling would be a good thing for me right now, so I think I might start writing out my thoughts like this and posting them every now and then.  Since I don’t feel like being very social right now, I’ve closed the comments section.  I just need time alone; I think we all do once in a while.  Thanks for reading.  ~M xo

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#MidnightMadness -10/19/2018 – The things kids say…

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Autumn (Age 10)

On the way home from school one day…

Autumn – “Mom, guess what my favorite class is this year!”

Me – “Umm… I’m not sure, tell me.”

Autumn – “It’s History, and guess why!”

Me – “Hmm… I’m still not sure, tell me why.”

Autumn – “It’s my favorite class because it hasn’t started yet!”

*She absolutely loathes History, so this came as no surprise, but it really made me laugh because of her cheeky behavior.  It’s never a dull moment around here.  Is it ever when you have kids?  Lol… 😉

#WeekendCoffeeShare – Life goes on…

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Good morning everyone!  Come in and sit down and I’ll make you a cup of your very favorite hot or cold drink.  I have a variety of options, so take your pick.  I’m drinking a steamy mug of hot chocolate, which is filled to the brim with whipped cream.  And yes, I’m being naughty and not following my paleo diet to perfection at the moment, but once and awhile we all need a little flexibility in our lives, and after a month like this… well, let’s just say hot chocolate has been sort of a saving grace for me.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that my life has been completely turned upside down these days and I hardly even know where to begin.  I suppose I’ll start off by saying that I feel completely blessed and thankful that my two oldest daughters have both survived this month.  One had her home threatened by a huge fire out in California, and my other daughter who lives in Florida was in the middle of hurricane Irma.   Both are fine now, and that’s such a huge relief!

Here at home, there has been turmoil as well.  The first week of school was a bit rough, after finding out that hubby is deploying overseas and also that our 4 yr. old dog Pippa has bone cancer.  I’m trying my best to make Pippa as comfortable as possible, but the vet said her days are certainly numbered.  She may only live a few more months which is really sad to me.  Hubby felt so bad when he found out and misses us so much, that he made a surprise visit home over this past week.  It was nice to see him, but at the same time, it was so hard to say goodbye, especially knowing that it may be another year before I see him again.

Here’s some good news though, I had been dealing with depression at the beginning of this year and I’m feeling so much better.  I was also having some physical ailments that caused me to lose 22 lbs.  However, I am happy to say, that all of those issues seem to have been resolved.  It was determined that I was having some terrible side effects from one of the meds I was on and once I stopped taking that, I began to feel like myself again.

I am presently working on several poetry books and figure over this next year that I should be able to knock a few of them out while hubby is away.  That is of course if I don’t end up with any more hiccups.  All I can do is continue to try.  It’s been very hard to stay motivated and inspired.  I had a friend whom I wrote about here.  This friend was the one person in my life, who really inspired my early days of writing.  And even though he finally contacted me and ended up explaining why he no longer wanted to be friends, it has still been very difficult to continue on without him.

In fact, as some of you know, I started my new blog just a month ago and ended up taking all of my poems off of this one.  I needed a fresh start, as many of the poems I had written on this blog reminded me of my friend.  I knew I needed to finally let him go from my heart and mind, and came very close to deleting my blog altogether.  But I decided I couldn’t quit, and so instead I started over.  I also knew that eventually, I wanted to take my old poems off of my blog anyway, due to the fact that I do plan to publish them in the near future.   So ultimately, it forced me to do something prematurely that I knew I would eventually have to do anyway.

I know I haven’t been around as much lately as far as reading blogs goes, and I apologize to many of you who I haven’t visited on a regular basis like I used to.  But life has just taken its toll on me lately and I just haven’t had as much time for reading.  It’s hard to keep life in perfect balance and I know it’s foolish to even try.  I just hope that you all know how much I really do care about you.  When I say I love you guys, I really do mean it.  All of you here on WordPress have become like family to me.  It’s hard to explain it, but when you’re so isolated because you live in a place with hardly any family or friends around, your internet buddies become everything to you.  If you’ve written a coffee share this weekend, please leave me a link so that I can catch up with you.  Hope your week is filled with love and happiness!  ~M

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Picking up the pieces

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Today as I was preparing lunch for my 7 yr. old daughter, we had a bit of a disaster.  My daughter Autumn loves to be in the kitchen with me and I very much appreciate her help.  Unfortunately, today as she was reaching into the cupboard to grab a plate, the outcome didn’t end so well.  All of a sudden, I heard the sound of glass shattering and turned around to see what had happened.  Pieces of glass were everywhere, even at the far ends of the kitchen.  I immediately ran over to my daughter to make sure that she was okay.  I looked her over carefully, making sure that there weren’t any remnants of glass left on her.  Then, because she was barefoot, I carried her into the other room and checked her over for any scratches that she may have gotten.  Thankfully she was okay, and so with a huge sigh of relief, I then began the tedious process of cleaning up all of the glass.

It didn’t take long for me to notice just how tiny the pieces were.  Little slivers littered the countertop and dusted the floor.  I tried sweeping, vacuuming, and even mopping; anything to try and get rid of the tiny little shards, which seemed to be embedded into the hardwood floor.  The more pieces I picked up, the more pieces I seemed to find.  I thought I might never see the end of the mess.  Eventually, though, everything was cleaned up.  I put all of the cleaning supplies away and decided to finish making lunch.  Yet even then… after scouring, dusting, mopping, sweeping, and vacuuming, I still continued to find more remnants of glass.

This little incident reminded me of life, and how so often we face brokenness ourselves.  We pick up the pieces and go on, but we never quite seem to be able to find all of the pieces at once.  Then, once in a while, we’ll find a piece later on and sometimes it isn’t a very pleasant experience when we do.  We often find ourselves wounded when a piece is unexpectedly found.  Then we think to ourselves… I thought I had found all of those pieces, I wonder if there are still more left to find?  It makes us question whether or not we are really safe from the shards that seem to mar our past.  Will we keep finding more?  Or is it finally safe to walk around barefoot and freely once again?


Originally posted: April 14, 2016

Photo credit: pixabay.com

#MidnightMadness – 5/9/2017

Every night at the dinner table, we have somebody pose a question.  Tonight my daughter asked… “What’s the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?”  My husband immediately chimes in… “Nope, there’s not enough time in this life for that one!”  And straightaway he looks right at me and smirks.  Lol….

Here’s a few of them I’ve written about… what do you think, is he right?  😉

The Narrow Escape

It was the year 2117…

A dream that I will never forget…

Premonition

The Vision

Another Vision

 

 

#weekendcoffeeshare – Provoked and Peeved

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Good morning everyone, I really hope all of you have been having a lovely week.  It’s been mostly cold, wet and dreary here, so I’m in need of some cheery conversation.  I’ve got a scrumptious homemade chai tea, hot chocolate with extra whipped cream, or regular ol medium roast coffee this morning.  So take your pick!  Alright, let’s get to it…

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that my frustration level has hit a new high this week.  I’m normally a very calm and easy going person, until somebody decides to rev me up.  I suppose I’m just tired of letting people walk all over me, but then I wrestle with the notion that I ought to be sweet and nice and not rock anybody’s boat.

Somedays, I think the best thing I could do for myself, is to just let go of anyone who can’t seem to play nice with me.  After all, I shouldn’t have to put up with all the nonsense when I haven’t done anything wrong.  So often, I feel like I’m back in the school yard once again, with the way people act these days!  The behavior of some is quite appalling and so often unnecessary.

Okay, my little rant is over.  I just needed to get that out, it’s been welling up inside me all week and simply needed to be said.  Now to my very kind and thoughtful blogger friends, I have no problems with any of you.  All of you have been so sweet to me, and WP is my happy place because of it.  So thank you fellow bloggers, let us continue to unite as an unrelenting positive force!

Now I do believe, there is a silver lining in every lousy thing we may face.  And this week was no exception.  I took all the anger that had been building up inside me this week and poured it all out into my writing.  I was having a bit of writer’s block at the beginning of the week, and then all it took was that one last hit over the head for the dam to break, and for me to finally regain my thoughts once more.

Isn’t it funny how our emotions can often drive us to actually getting things accomplished?  When I get angry or upset, I turn my frustrations into productivity.  If I’m at home and someone upsets me, watch out!  I’ll have my house cleaned in a quarter of the time it normally takes me.  That’s just how I am, and how I’ve always been.  I suppose that’s always been my way of fighting back and not giving in to defeat.

There are so many people I know, who just give up the minute life gets a tad bit difficult.  I think this drives me crazier than anything else.  How can you simply give up, when things don’t go according to plan?  In my mind, that just causes a person to become even more beaten down.  Anyway, enough about me and what I think.  Tell me about your week; anything new and exciting to share?  I’d really love to hear about it, so please leave me a message in the comments section.

One final thought… I really hope all of you have a very blessed week, and please don’t ever give up.  Turn your frustrations into creative energy and focus on the positives!  Hugs and kisses!  ~M

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Many thanks to Nerd In The Brain for hosting the #WeekendCoffeeShare, a collective of chats over digital coffee among bloggers. To find out more, and to see this weeks posts, go here.


Photo credit: pixabay.com and giphy.com

#MidnightMadness – 3/27/2017

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As I was leaving my daughter’s bedroom tonight after tucking her into bed, she called out to me in her sweet quiet little voice, and said, “I’m so glad I have you as my mom.”  Of course, I had to rush right back in and give her another hug.  She is just too precious for words.  Thank you God, for blessings such as these. 


Photo credit: pixabay.com

#weekendcoffeeshare – Rainy Day Chatter

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Well, so much for spring!  Yesterday was 74° and partially cloudy, and today it’s 40° and rainy.  Hence the reason I’m late getting up today.  Honestly, I could have slept all day since it’s so dark outside.  But alas, my stomach got to grumbling and so here I am; not quite awake yet, and trying to figure out something worthwhile to talk about.  So without further ado, grab a hot cup of something and let’s chat!

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I had a fairly low-key week.  Monday I traveled to a town I used to live in, all in order to do my taxes, and then I also stopped by to see a dear friend of mine.  She has been going through a rough patch, so I wanted to stop and say hello and bring her a bit of cheer.  We had a nice time catching up, after not seeing her since Thanksgiving.  Then later that night, my husband and I took our girls to see Beauty and the Beast.  I have to say… it was one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time, and Emma Watson really made the movie what it was.

Thursday night I had a date night with hubby.  It was sort of a spontaneous thing that happened.  We were just going out to run some quick errands but decided to go out for dinner as well.  Always a nice surprise when we can spend some time together.  He works such longs hours, and so I hardly ever see him.  I’m looking forward to this summer because he’s only scheduled to work two weekends all summer long.  I’m hopeful that we will actually be able to plan a camping trip; something we always talk about but rarely get to do.

Last night I got to go see my niece graduate.  She came away with her associate’s degree as a medical assistant.  I am so very proud of her!  After suddenly losing her mom whom she was living with a couple of years ago, she has since been trying to support her and her son the best she can.  So going back to school was very difficult for her, with everything else she had to face as well.  But I think she can finally see her efforts coming to fruition, and it’s good to see a smile on her face because of it.

Living here in Wisconsin is hard for me, as I don’t have any blood relatives where I live, except for my immediate family of course.  Then, on my husband’s side, we only have four blood relatives living somewhat near us (30-90 min. away).  The thing is, it makes for very small family gatherings and the holidays often seem a bit lonely.  I grew up with big family celebrations and I really miss them.  So seeing my niece last night was such a blessing to me.  We were able to take her out to dinner and had the best time.  And now with eating out twice this week, I guess I will really have to watch what I eat this coming week!

Well, I suppose I should wrap things up for now.  I’m still sitting here in my pajamas at almost 2:00 in the afternoon!  Lol…

Hope all of you have a wonderful weekend.  Talk to ya next week!  ~M

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Many thanks to Nerd In The Brain for hosting the #WeekendCoffeeShare, a collective of chats over digital coffee among bloggers. To find out more, and to see this weeks posts, go here.


Photo credit: pixabay.com and giphy.com