It feels like we’re heading into a new normal. I’ve been on vacation, and as I watch my girls play in the pool, I wonder how long it will be, before even this sort of activity is no longer allowed. It’s sort of a scary thought. Everything we’ve known for such a long time is suddenly changing. Is this our new reality? Everything is closing; people are in a panic at the stores to buy basic necessities. The malls, movie theaters, restaurants, and sports facilities have all become like ghost towns. We never prepared ourselves for such things. And now I feel like one of the few who isn’t ready for the next wave of whatever is coming.
I’m not worried about the virus. I’m healthy for my age, and my girls are young enough that this won’t likely hinder them at all. But what I am worried about is the bigger picture ― the mass chaos, the wars which could break out, and the ones that already are. And I’m concerned that people will foolishly do things to harm other people. This world is already a scary place sometimes, but this seems to go beyond anything I’ve ever known or seen. The real threat isn’t the virus, but instead the human response to the virus, this is what scares me the most, and this is what I fear will be our biggest downfall.
“Having the potential to be good is not the same as actually being good, but a symphony is always good.” ~M
*I got to go to a symphony last night. The theme was a Scottish fantasy, which featured Brahms, Symphony No. 2 in D major. This picture was taken before everyone was actually there, but you can see still several musicians tuning their instruments. It was quite a lovely night and I was lucky enough to get free tickets to the event.
“We can’t control what others do and how they choose to live their lives, but we can focus on being the very best versions of ourselves. And who knows, our positive actions may just rub off on others. It doesn’t do any harm to at least try, and you might discover some unique things about yourself in the process.” ~M
I recently came up with an idea for a way that my family and I could improve our lives and also help others in the process. I call it “Five a Day.” I feel like so often, we try to do so much at once to make positive changes in our lives, and then we get burnt out quickly. So I wanted to figure out a way that could benefit all of us here at home, without making drastic changes that are nearly impossible to maintain. I knew I wanted me and my family to start giving more, to be more productive, to spread kindness, to be healthier, and to make time for things that we all enjoy. So here’s what our Five a Day consists of:
1.) Get rid of one thing every day.
2.) Do one productive thing every day.
3.) Spread kindness at least one way every day.
4.) Do one thing you enjoy every day.
5.) Do one healthy thing every day.
We started this about a week ago, and it’s been going really good. The kids seem to be enjoying it, and we talk about all the things we’ve done over dinner every night. I think all of us are having fun finding things around the house that we know we no longer need. It’s been sort of like a scavenger hunt every day. And we plan to donate everything to a local charity once we accumulate enough stuff. Our pile is definitely growing, as you can see in the picture, and this is just one weeks’ worth of items we’ve collected. Anyway, I just wanted to share this idea with all of you because I know how overwhelming making healthy changes in our lives can often be, and I’ve found this to be a simple way to instill some positive changes in my own life and help my family develop some positive changes too. If you decide to implement the Five a Day routine into your own life, I’d love to hear how it works out for you. And if you have any other ideas for self-improvement, I’d love to hear about those as well.
There are some amazing people in my life who I can’t forget because they are always there for me. Even so, life is still very hard sometimes, and it’s easy to feel like I deserve a better life than the one I have. Sometimes I even chase after things that aren’t good for me, and I end up causing myself so much heartache and pain. Slowly but surely though, I have been learning to let go of the things that aren’t meant to be, and to stop feeling as if I should have more. Over the past couple of years, especially, I have seen many people in my life come and go, and it has been extremely troublesome for me. I’ve often felt lonely, abandoned, and disappointed beyond words. And many times, just as I thought that God was answering my prayers, there were instances where my hopes were suddenly shattered, and I began to blame God for all of it. I realize now though that I’ve been looking beyond what is right in front of me every day. I’ve been disregarding the many blessings that I do have and wasting so much of my time chasing empty promises. So today, as I look back and think about how things have turned out; I’m looking at everything in a more positive light and feeling grateful for the life I’ve been given.
I’ve got the past, present, and future all on my mind today. I keep trying to overcome the past, but the present just won’t let me forget, which makes the future look like it’ll just be more of the same. And I’m so tired of thinking about the past. Most days, I wish that somehow I could forget everything, and then perhaps I could overcome and heal from the things that have been weighing heavily on my mind. But no matter what I do, or what I try, I can’t forget the hurts, the struggles, and the reality of my life. I still think that it’s possible to overcome the past, but I think in order to do that, I need to face those issues head-on and stop sweeping them under the rug.
I’ve been on WordPress for five years now, and I have made some amazing friends, but the majority of you don’t really know me. I have been a closed book for a very long time, and that is mainly because I’ve been trying to protect my family and friends from knowing what’s really been going on. Sometimes I feel like it makes things worse to be open and honest with the ones you love. I think most people would say that some things should never be talked about because they are just too hard for most people to handle. But because I’ve been keeping things bottled up, I feel like I’m almost at my breaking point now. I’ve been mostly dealing with everything on my own, with very little support from anyone except a few close friends. And I feel like I don’t even want to tell my close friends everything because I don’t like overwhelming people with my problems. Everyone already has enough to deal with in their own lives, and I don’t want to be the kind of friend who heaps on more. I think this is why I’ve alienated nearly everyone from my life. I’ve been afraid that if I stayed close to anyone, that I might accidentally explode and reveal all of the things that I’ve been trying to work through.
After thinking things over while I was on vacation this month, I feel like I am only doing myself an injustice by not saying anything, and I’m on the verge of baring my heart and soul to everyone. I know I have already lost the majority of the connections with my family and friends, and so I don’t think I could do any more damage than I already have. But at the same time, I am still trying to protect my immediate family from some very damaging issues. I’ve been wanting to see a counselor, and discuss some of these issues there, but I’ve tried to find someone in the past, and our insurance wouldn’t cover the cost of those visits. So I’m sort of in a weird dilemma right now. I feel like I need to start talking about all the things that I should have addressed years ago. I think talking about them, and getting them out in the open is the only way to fix anything. I’m still not sure if writing about all of this on my blog is the best approach, but I need to do something; I just wish I knew what to do.
I’ve been pushing everyone in my life away. I’ve always been like this, but over the past several years, the urge to be completely alone has gotten worse. The moment I feel like someone isn’t making an effort to be a part of my life, I start to pull away from them. It’s a defense mechanism I’ve used all my life. My parents were some of the very first people that I began to push away. My mom and I had an especially strained relationship when I was growing up, and by the time I turned 18, I moved out and never looked back. I wasn’t even done with high school at that point, but I was done feeling unwanted by her, and so I left.
This pattern has continued my entire life. As soon as I feel like someone isn’t happy with me, or doesn’t want me, I pull away and just let them go. It’s always seemed easier that way. I like doing things for others, and I love giving as much as I possibly can to the people around me, but I don’t want to have to plead with someone to stay in my life and to want me around. And I don’t feel like I have the energy to deal with all the drama that comes from complicated relationships anymore. I guess that’s why I have a very limited number of close friends, and why I’m hesitant to get close to anybody else.
These are just the thoughts that are running through my mind at the moment. I have a very good life, and plenty of people who I know love me and accept me, but right now, I just feel like pulling away from everyone. I don’t want to leave myself open to anymore hurts. I’ve had enough of it already, and so I feel like escaping the potential for more heartache by closing myself off and shutting down. Anyway, I thought journaling would be a good thing for me right now, so I think I might start writing out my thoughts like this and posting them every now and then. Since I don’t feel like being very social right now, I’ve closed the comments section. I just need time alone; I think we all do once in a while. Thanks for reading. ~M xo