Tag: happiness

Pure bliss and happiness, are closer than I once thought.

~ ~M ~ 3 Comments

Well, today was a much better day.  I still don’t have a working cell phone, but I rather enjoyed unplugging for once and I think I accomplished a lot more because of it.  I’m still writing for Channillo, and so I added another chapter to my series today.  I’m up to 6 subscribers now!  Woo hoo!  Lol….  I know it doesn’t seem like much, but honestly… those 6 subscribers mean the world to me right now.  There’s just something about knowing that somebody, (anybody at all) is reading my very first book!  It tickles me to no end!  Yes, I’m smiling from ear to ear and doing the happy dance because of it.

Anyway, another thing that has me blissfully happy today, is the fact that I have been asked to start selling my poetry at one of our local shops downtown.  Today I was finally able to order most of the supplies that I will need.  I was able to find a ton of frames and mats on sale.  Now I just need to figure out how to personalize and decorate each one, to really make them stand out.  I’m just so excited to finally have the opportunity to move forward with selling some of my work.  I am no longer letting these opportunity’s pass me by.  It’s do or die time, and I need to be smart for once and take these God given opportunities that are finally crossing my path and just run with them. 

Things on the home front have been improving.  Hubby and I have really been working through some tough issues and I believe that we are finally making immense progress.  My future seems to be clearer than it has been in a long time, and we have even been talking about writing a book together.  Hubby’s a huge history buff and I’m not very good with remembering historical details as much as he is, so I think by combining my love for writing and his love of history, we may end up coming up with something pretty amazing.  He’s been jotting down some ideas, and I think after the first of the year, we will begin to have some time to really sit down and plan what we want to write about.

I was gone all last week, as my oldest daughter recently got married in California.  The ceremony was beautiful and each of them wrote their own vows to one another.  I feel truly blessed, knowing that my daughter was able to find such an amazing husband.  She is in good hands and I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that she will be well cared for.  They are both currently full-time missionary’s and seem excited to stay in the mission field. 

Now that I’m back in Wisconsin, I’m really missing the warm weather that we had out there.  Of course I don’t miss the constant traffic that we had to deal with and the fast pace of life that seems to be the norm out there.  After growing up in California, I vowed never to move back.   (And really how can you, when each house is a million dollars plus on average.)  I am still very much content in my choice to stay in the mid-west, where daily life is more relaxed, less expensive, and where I can actually breathe the air without coughing up a lung.

Today has been a wonderful day, I slept in late, ran errands, went to our church small group this evening, and then I came home and proceeded with the normal day to day stuff that I needed to catch up on.  I feel content and happy right now and since it’s getting late here, I should sign off.  So if you’re reading this, I really do hope that you have a wonderful God filled week, full of joy and happiness.  Much love, to all my faithful readers.  You guys are the best!  ~M  xoxo

 

The ups and downs of life

~ ~M ~ 1 Comment

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“Life often brings immense pain, but it also brings unending joy after the rain.”  ~M

 

Photo credit: galleryhip.com

Heart issues…

~ ~M ~ 6 Comments

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Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit Copper Falls State Park, in northern Wisconsin.  Hubby and I have been having quite a rough patch lately and so we decided that we really needed a day away to just enjoy the beauty of God’s wonderful creation.  Whenever we’re feeling far away from each other, we are usually feeling very much apart from God as well, and it always seems the closer we get to God, the closer we get to each other.

It’s been a very tough year for us and I have been searching for answers to try and sort things out for both of us.  It’s hard to admit it, but I really feel like we have drifted apart in a way that makes it very difficult to reconnect.  I would say outwardly, we look like the perfect couple.  We never fight or argue, we have fun together, we laugh, we are still very intimate, and we generally like to spend time with each other.  I know most people would be saying at this point, well than what’s the problem?

The problem seems to be a heart issue with me.  I love this man of mine dearly, but I don’t feel that I am in-love with him.  I find myself so often wishing that I could change the way I feel about him, but the more I try, the more hopeless I become.  Can I stay married to somebody that I am not in-love with?  I would say absolutely yes.  I have lived this way for so long now, feeling this way about him, and so it has become routine for me.  I don’t believe in divorce and I know that life isn’t always greener on the other side anyway.  So I feel I just need to go along with who I chose to be with, who I made lifelong vows to, and just accept the fact that there is one significant piece missing, and hope I will someday find that missing piece within our relationship.

We have a very unique relationship in that he knows my deepest darkest secrets, and I know his as well.  Knowing those things is very hard and not always easy to understand, and yet we both accept each other for who we are and try to move forward every day.  Neither one of us has ever wanted to give up on the other, and he has really been patient with me lately, just wanting me to find happiness, even if it isn’t with him.  And so we continue on, hoping that the future will bring clarity to both of us.  Life isn’t always easy, but I believe I am blessed in a million amazing ways and I never want to take those blessings for granted.

Is it okay to be happy?

~ ~M ~ 21 Comments

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“I often feel guilty for being happy.” ~M

I was once given a death threat by a roommate of mine, who claimed that I was too happy.  She threatened to slit my throat while I slept, because she said I was way too happy all the time.  For some reason my happiness really bothered her.

After spending months in the same room with this girl, she was finally taken forcefully from the barracks, and transported to a psychiatric ward.  She was found to have knives strapped to her thighs, and a suicide letter next to her bed.

I have found it hard to be happy in front of people since that day.  I feel that somehow my happiness only seems to bring others down, who are not experiencing the same joy in their own lives.  Maybe there is still a part of me that fears what may happen, if perhaps I am too joyful around others.  Regardless, I am very cautious now and I doubt that will ever change.

It’s so sad to me, that we live in a world where even our own happiness can be threatening to others who long to be happy themselves.  I wish I didn’t have to feel guilty for being happy as often as I do.  I suppose this is another reason why I find myself wanting to be alone so often.  Secluding myself from others, means that I will never have to hurt them.

Life is so difficult at times, this is just another example of why I feel like I can never fully be myself around others.  It’s a sad state we live in, when we cannot even show our own happiness.

Photo found at: sonalororra.wordpress.com

Through it all, His love remains…

~ ~M

I’m sure many of you have noticed that I have suddenly gone quiet.  I have been purposely trying to limit myself to as few distractions as possible right now.  It isn’t because I don’t love and care about all of you.  I just really need time away to figure out my life at the moment.

This week is all about soul searching; finding out who I am as a person, and figuring out where I need to go from here.  I suppose most of us face a time in our lives when we have to figure things out; preferably on our own without the noise of the world confusing our hearts and minds.

I realize this isn’t the most opportune time for some of you who really need me right now.  However, without this time away, I highly doubt I would continue to be of much good to anybody.  I’ve just gotten to such a low point in my life, which is why I need to disconnect for a while.  It’s do or die time for me.

I’ve been feeling so separated from everyone and everything that matters to me.  I have also been struggling to figure out what my purpose and plan is for my future.  I seem to have lost sight of everything that I was once so certain of.

So this week, I’m hoping to hear from God in an amazing way; and to my surprise, I already have.  After crying out to him and not hearing anything for such a long time, I finally heard his voice in a dream just a few days go.  He gave me a specific verse which I plan to memorize this week and I have been posting it all over the place, so that I never forget his message to me.

The verse is Isaiah 54:10, which says… Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

I had no recollection of ever reading this verse, and I was a bit reluctant to look it up after I awoke from my dream.  After hearing that still small voice repeatedly telling me to look it up, I finally did.  The words were exactly what I needed to hear from God and regardless of the original context, I know this verse was given to me in that very moment to help me in my own life.

After all the things I have been going through over these last two years, and after all the guilt and shame I have been feeling for quite a while now, God took the time to remind me that I’m still important to him.  He also reminded me that no matter what I do, he will never stop loving me.  He wants me to feel his peace and wants me to know that he has forgiven every wrong thing that I have ever done.  For as the verse says, he has compassion on me.

After reading Isaiah 54:10, I continued reading on and found the Lord speaking to me through many other passages of scripture as well.  The answers to all of my struggles are all right there, just waiting for me to grab hold of and put into action in my own life.

I’m excited to hear God’s voice again.  I had started to believe that I was too far gone to ever hear from him again.  And yet here he is, taking me back in his loving arms.  Despite everything that has happened, he is still here; forgiving me and loving me with the kind of love that I had forgotten even existed.  I had been searching in all the wrong places, when all I needed to do was seek him.  He has everything I need and so much more.

So I’m taking a break, letting him fill me up with his love and letting him lead me.  Because I’ve realized something; without God in my life, I have nothing, I am nothing, and I’m ultimately left without a purpose or passion for life.  I hope if any of you are feeling lost and separated from him, that you will find your way back too.  He’s there… reach out and take his hand.  I promise you, you’ll be amazed by what he has to offer.