For them…

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The sudden silence is what gets to me most, every time he leaves.  Then my chest starts to tighten, and the tears begin to well up, and at that point, I know I’m done for.  There’s no holding back the flood of emotions no matter how hard I try.  I bury my face in my hands, trying so hard to hide the pain that’s gushing out through every inch of my being.

I can’t let anyone know how much this hurts, how lost I am, how much I don’t even want to do life anymore because I’m always feeling so alone.  Five minutes have passed, and I’m wiping the evidence away.  Putting on my brave soldier face once more, shrugging my shoulders and getting a grip just the way I’ve been taught.  I cannot cry, I can’t let anyone know that I’m weak, and I can’t ever confess to anyone that sometimes I’d rather be six feet under than endure another day alone.

There are little people counting on me, babies that need protecting, loved, and cared for.  And this is why I bury all of it, deep inside where nobody can see. If anyone ever found out what I was really thinking, what would they do?  What would they say?  So I fight through it, the let downs, the misery, the feelings of loneliness and despair.  And I put on a happy face because that makes everyone else feel better when I do that.  They need me to be happy, and I can’t let them down.  I’ve got to hold it together, for them…

 

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I’m here for you if you need me….

Ok so… the strangest thing just happened to me about an hour ago.  I was on my phone and a message popped up that said “If you need me, I’m here for you.”  That was all it said and then my phone shut off and wouldn’t turn back on for about 30 mins.  After finally getting my phone to work again, the message is nowhere to be found.  I have checked all my emails, messages, all my apps, and there is simply no message saying that anywhere.  The craziest thing is, I have been really down in the dumps lately and feel like I don’t always have somebody who I can immediately turn to.  I know I can always turn to God, but sometimes it’s so hard for me to want to turn to somebody who I can’t see, feel, or talk to face-to-face.  So honestly, even though I know God is always there, I need human contact!  A true living breathing friend who wants to know me and listen to me when I need them.  And yet I have a feeling that God was trying to get my attention tonight.  Are you really there God?  And if you’re listening… I really do need you…  Love, ~Me