Oh the thrill of being a vampire…

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In the spirit of Halloween, here’s the beginning of a short story, that I wrote a couple of years ago.  Enjoy!

Nobody knows my secret and sometimes I doubt who I am myself.  There’s a part of me that misses being human and another part of me that remembers the heartache that human life brings.  The emotional ties to people no longer exist in my current state.  I am finally able to be who I’ve always wanted to be, free of the emotional hang ups that used to rip my heart right out of my chest.  Now I call the shots, I make the rules, I set the stage.  Isn’t this what living should be?  Nobody telling me what to do or how to live my life.  But then, why do I feel so alone sometimes… so lost?  I don’t even care that I just killed an innocent person, I needed to feed and they were there.  It was an easy choice, too easy I suppose.  But isn’t that the thrill of being a vampire?  Taking what you want, anytime, anywhere and never thinking twice about who you hurt.  What more could I want out of life?  And yet, I wonder… is there something more? Am I missing a key piece, to this puzzle called life?  Should I be afraid of who I have become?  I guess only time will tell and until then, I know I will enjoy this deranged way of living.  I can’t wait to meet my next victim.  They always seem so surprised to see me, and I can literally hear their hearts beating right out of their chests before I go in for the kill.  It’s always the same in every person I come across, and in an instant they are free from the agony of this terrible world; this sad, chaotic, frightful world.  So I guess in a way, I am really just doing them a favor, and in return, I get to continue living an eternity of blood lusting bliss.  I do feel some pity for the young ones that cross my path.  But unfortunately for them, my instincts are purely animalistic and I have no conscience either way.  I have hardly any recollection on how I ended up like this.  It seems like a dream that happened long ago.  I may never fully regain my memory of that particular day, but on occasion I do see glimpses of my past.  The images I see are hazy at best, and feelings of emptiness flood my mind as I try to hold onto a particular memory when they do flash by.  I always see the same image, a dark shadowy figure of a man coming towards me, and then in the very next instant, a bright light flashes all around me.  Then there’s nothing… nothing at all.

 

The Day I Escaped Death

Photo Credit: imgarcade.com
Photo credit: imgarcade.com
We were running late as usual, just my mom and me. Mom was running around like a chicken with her head cut off and I just stood there wondering what I should do. Eventually she swooped me up under her right arm like I was a football racing towards a goal post. As we raced towards the car (a blue VW bug) in the crowded little parking lot, mom hung onto me as best she could, but I kept slipping further and further out from under her arm until my head was almost touching the wet pavement. She continued to run with me tucked under her arm, and I was thankful when we finally made it out of the rain, and into the car. She dumped me into the seat like I was a sack of potatoes. In under 30 seconds, mom had that car in reverse and we were on our way to the concert.  I knew that mom was in a big hurry because she didn’t want to miss her friend who was singing in the church concert. I was a bit scared because we were driving so fast, that I could hardly even see the trees that were just off the road. The streets were in terrible shape. It had been raining for nearly two days straight and I could barely see out of the windows as the glass began to fog up. I sat there quietly in my seat painting pictures on my window. I hoped mom wouldn’t notice or I would be in big trouble.  Just as we turned a bend in the road, I saw two lights coming straight at us. Mom swerved into another lane of traffic and tried to stop the car, but for some reason the car wouldn’t stop and the next thing I knew the car was hanging off the edge of the road overlooking a large ravine. My eyes must have been as big as saucers, and when I looked at my mother, she began to cry. I tried to reach for her, and suddenly the car felt as if it were going to topple right off the cliff and into the ravine. My mother yelled at me to remain as still as I could for fear that any movement, even a small amount, might cause our car to plunge right off the cliff. I started to hold my breath and my mother slowly inched towards the door and proceeded to get out. As soon as she reached for me though, the whole car started swaying and she told me to stop immediately and wait in my seat until she could figure out what to do. I of course started crying and felt my whole body get warm. I felt as if at any moment, that I would surely plunge to my death. My mother was frantically looking around trying to figure out what to do. Within what seemed like hours, but in actuality was probably only a few minutes, another car stopped and a women got out to try to help us. She told my mother to have me move into the back seat so that the car would remain more stable with the weight of me in the back. So, I made my way towards the back of the car. The car creaked and groaned as I finally settled into the back seat. A cold sweat ran down my face and I trembled with fear and anticipation of what might happen to me. My mother decided that her only option was to break the back window so that I could climb out. She told me to cover myself as best I could with my jacket and then she proceeded to break the glass with a crow bar that the other woman had found in her car. There was a loud crash, then all I remember was feeling as if a million marbles had suddenly been dumped upon me. The only other thing I remember, is finally being lifted out through the back window and looking down at my feet as they hit the soft earth below. I was finally out and standing on my own two feet. I could hardly believe that I was still alive and then I looked up at my mother, she had begun to scream in terror as she watched our car abruptly fall off the cliff, down into the ravine. I think her terrified scream must have come from knowing that just seconds before, her baby girl had been in that car. I saw her turn white as a ghost and then suddenly she fainted. That is the last thing I remember from that dreadful day and a memory that I will most likely never forget.

Through it all, His love remains…

I’m sure many of you have noticed that I have suddenly gone quiet.  I have been purposely trying to limit myself to as few distractions as possible right now.  It isn’t because I don’t love and care about all of you.  I just really need time away to figure out my life at the moment.

This week is all about soul searching; finding out who I am as a person, and figuring out where I need to go from here.  I suppose most of us face a time in our lives when we have to figure things out; preferably on our own without the noise of the world confusing our hearts and minds.

I realize this isn’t the most opportune time for some of you who really need me right now.  However, without this time away, I highly doubt I would continue to be of much good to anybody.  I’ve just gotten to such a low point in my life, which is why I need to disconnect for a while.  It’s do or die time for me.

I’ve been feeling so separated from everyone and everything that matters to me.  I have also been struggling to figure out what my purpose and plan is for my future.  I seem to have lost sight of everything that I was once so certain of.

So this week, I’m hoping to hear from God in an amazing way; and to my surprise, I already have.  After crying out to him and not hearing anything for such a long time, I finally heard his voice in a dream just a few days go.  He gave me a specific verse which I plan to memorize this week and I have been posting it all over the place, so that I never forget his message to me.

The verse is Isaiah 54:10, which says… Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

I had no recollection of ever reading this verse, and I was a bit reluctant to look it up after I awoke from my dream.  After hearing that still small voice repeatedly telling me to look it up, I finally did.  The words were exactly what I needed to hear from God and regardless of the original context, I know this verse was given to me in that very moment to help me in my own life.

After all the things I have been going through over these last two years, and after all the guilt and shame I have been feeling for quite a while now, God took the time to remind me that I’m still important to him.  He also reminded me that no matter what I do, he will never stop loving me.  He wants me to feel his peace and wants me to know that he has forgiven every wrong thing that I have ever done.  For as the verse says, he has compassion on me.

After reading Isaiah 54:10, I continued reading on and found the Lord speaking to me through many other passages of scripture as well.  The answers to all of my struggles are all right there, just waiting for me to grab hold of and put into action in my own life.

I’m excited to hear God’s voice again.  I had started to believe that I was too far gone to ever hear from him again.  And yet here he is, taking me back in his loving arms.  Despite everything that has happened, he is still here; forgiving me and loving me with the kind of love that I had forgotten even existed.  I had been searching in all the wrong places, when all I needed to do was seek him.  He has everything I need and so much more.

So I’m taking a break, letting him fill me up with his love and letting him lead me.  Because I’ve realized something; without God in my life, I have nothing, I am nothing, and I’m ultimately left without a purpose or passion for life.  I hope if any of you are feeling lost and separated from him, that you will find your way back too.  He’s there… reach out and take his hand.  I promise you, you’ll be amazed by what he has to offer.

Another Vision

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A spiraling tower stood before me; reaching all the way to the sky. A dirt pathway wound its way around the column up to the very top. A vast angry sea surged around the base of the pillar. The misty sea-spray lingered in the damp earthy air. Hundreds of people lined the spiral trail; each one wearing a white linen robe and carrying a warm glowing candle.

The view from below was ethereal and even though the sea was raging below, the silence was deafening. Each candle flickered wildly against the gusty breeze of the violent sea. I watched from afar as the lit candles slowly began to burn out. Everyone walked in a trance-like state, never seeming to notice that their candles were starting to extinguish.

One by one, I watched the little lights become snuffed out. Ringlets of smoke billowed up from the tips of the blackened wicks and yet nobody seemed to notice what was happening. Still they continued to walk up the dusty trail. Each one unemotional and seemingly lifeless. I began to feel afraid for the ones whose lights had gone out. I watched intensely as each person began to make their way to the top of the tower. I hadn’t noticed it before, but those without a lit candle upon reaching the top of the pillar, were immediately cast off into the abyssal depths of the sea by an invisible force.

I realized in that moment that I had to guard my own light as if my life depended on it. I began walking up the pathway myself. All of us were walking inline, one after the other, making our way up to the top. Everyone faced forward and walked in their catatonic-like states; giving little regard to the little white candles in which they were carrying. And yet I was determined to make sure that my light didn’t go out.

I did everything I could to block the draft that was coming off the gusty sea. I cupped my hand around the soft flickering light; the warmth of the flame gave me hope and I walked on. I was determined to make it to the top with my lit candle and I knew I could do it if I just tried hard enough.

I finally made it to the top with my flame still intact. The tower was level at the top and covered by a recessed area that led to a cave. As I looked over the edge of the cliff, I saw thousands of people at the bottom of the pillar. Each one was desperately trying to rid themselves of the icy waters which engulfed them. Their nails scraped at the sides of column. Leaving gouges in the clay soil foundation. The sides of the pillar were smooth and steep though, and made it impossible for anyone to climb out. I realized that I had not seen a single person make it to the top with a lit candle except for myself.

Then I noticed her, one person in particular; she was slowly drowning in the murky waters below. The woman was very beautiful, with fair unblemished skin and long wavy brown hair. Her eyes were closed as she fought to climb out and she looked exhausted from her futile attempts to save herself. Many others crowded around her, each just as unsuccessful as she was.

I watched in horror as each one tried to claw their way to freedom; but instead, each continued to suffer relentlessly. Every person drowned a million times over and yet they never actually died. It seemed they were fated to suffer like this for eternity, and the sadness I felt in that moment left me feeling more pain than I had ever felt before in my entire life.

I felt miserable that I had not been able to save even a single one, and yet somehow I had managed to keep my own light shining, and thus saved myself. The intense loss was heavy on my heart and my grief was more than I could bear. I sank to my knees feeling defeated and hopeless. There was nothing else that I could do.


Photo credit: smspostcard3.blogspot.com

The Vision

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Cool sparkling waters carried me off. I found myself floating freely in a sea of swirling blues and greens. Shimmering waters held me secure as I glided off toward the last flickering embers of the rapidly fading sun. As a leaf, I was free to drift wherever the current would take me. Sailing along, at last I came to rest beside an old creaky wooden fishing boat; which was resting lazily in the middle of the vast open sea. Looking up through the blinding rays of the setting sun, I was suddenly greeted by an all too familiar face. My savior leaned over the side of the boat; gently lifting me from the rippling waters and cradling me in the palm of his hand. He stared down at me with a look of pure love and devotion. After a few minutes of gazing back into his deep brown eyes, he leaned down and kissed me ever so sweetly. He then raised up his hand, lifting me up toward the opalescent sky; stretching out his arm as far as it would go. Then, all of a sudden, I transformed into a pure white dove; flying off toward the last remnants of the glistening sun, as it began to dip slowly below the crystal clear waters. All I remember thinking is… freedom at last.


Photo credit: http://www.robpsychotherapy.co.uk