Him vs. Her – A New Chapter

For the last two years now, I have been very unsure about the future of my marriage.  The past sort of caught up with my husband and the present sort of caught up with me.  Needless to say, we were both at fault in different ways.  About four months ago, I had finally gotten to the point where I decided I was tired of trying.  In my mind, I just sort of gave up and decided it was time to figure out plan B.  I started picturing my life without him.  Wondering what I would do apart from him and where I would go.  We still have two children at home, so that was of course another concern of mine.  What would happen to them if we split up, how would we work it all out?  And yet I could never actually see us getting to the point of divorce.  I really couldn’t even fathom the idea of such a drastic decision.

After admitting to my husband that I didn’t think I could continue on the way things were, he in turn seemed to agree.  And yet divorce was the furthest thing from his mind.  His immediate response was to somehow fix what was broken in our marriage and strengthen the parts which looked salvageable.  For four months now, he has been trying very hard to turn things around.  I have to admit, I haven’t made things easy.  I have fought him every bit of the way, by not really believing any of what he’s been saying.  After years of empty promises, I didn’t want to allow myself to be tricked again.

His first response was to begin by writing me poetry; which is something he had never done in his entire life.  I remember reading the words he wrote during those first few months and thinking to myself… “He can’t really mean any of this.”  I thought… “This is just another one of his schemes to make me believe him, but it’s not going to last.” Over the years he would say he would try harder, but there was never any long lasting changes to support his efforts.  It was mostly just cheap talk and I knew I didn’t want to fall for that again.  I was finally ready to move on and I didn’t want to get sucked back into a life of false hopes.

Well it’s been four months now since he’s started blogging.  And I think the turning point for me was when he wrote this… Heart of Sadness.  Since then, I have begun to believe that he is truly being sincere.  He finally seems to understand and acknowledge how I’ve been feeling.  We tell each other everything, but I had often wondered if he was really hearing me.  I wasn’t sure if he understood that I didn’t feel the same kind of love for him anymore.  I wondered if he could live with that fact, or if it would ultimately destroy our marriage.  Yet the more we talked, the more I knew he understood, and he told me very sweetly that he just wanted me to be happy.

I suppose because he isn’t demanding my love, I am slowly finding my way back to him.  We have been making immense progress, and I am finally accepting that he really is changing for the better.  I’m starting to believe him when he tells me he loves me, and I’m hopeful once more that we can make our marriage work.  We will be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary on the 5th of February and I’m excited to get away for a few days and just have some time alone with him.  We’ve literally spent half our lives together now, and both of us know that we can’t just throw all of that away.  I honestly just can’t picture my life without him, and I hope I never can.

So to my husband… aka, SW.  I have hope that we will make it, TTF…… ❤️  Love always, ~Me

 

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What the He-double-hockey-sticks is going on here?

My daughter’s love books as much as I do, and so to suggest getting rid of any books in the house is strictly forbidden. Well, somehow I forgot this simple rule this morning. I have been trying to declutter our house and the girls have so many books, that some of them are even piled on the floor in their bedroom. So I was merely suggesting to my third born (15), that instead of getting another bookshelf (we have 8 in our house already) that perhaps we might instead, just go through some of the books and get rid of a few.

Well, within about two seconds of uttering those forbidden words, my forth born (8), comes running down the hallway towards the bedroom.  With a complete look of bewilderment upon her face, she stood there in the doorway looking at me and then to her sister.  Then with hands on her hips, she said, “What’s going on here?!?” I’m sure if she’d been older, the word “Hell” would have been included in that question.

Anyway, after seeing the confused looks upon both of their faces, I decided to say nothing more and dropped the subject altogether. I suppose another bookshelf is in order. Sigh… 🙄


The Daily Post prompt – Simple

Make sure to carry your burdens like stinky old socks.

“Let your burdens be like water and your blessings be like honey.”  ~M

Well today should be considered one of the worst days I’ve had so far this year, and yet I sort of just feel like laughing right now.  And yet earlier in the week, when I couldn’t have had a better day (that’s just how amazing it was), all I wanted to do was cry.

I am really starting to question my sanity at this point.  I have to say though, if what I faced today is really one of the worst days I could have, than I really should be counting my blessings.  So many people are facing much worse issues than I am.  I guess it all just comes down to perspective.  We can either let that bad day get to us, or we can say to ourselves, “It could have been much worse, time to move on…”

So I’ve decided to let the burdens of this day, sort of run off my back.  Yes, they are still here, but I’m choosing to carry them lightly; sort of like you carry a dirty, stinky old sock.  Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully it will be a whole lot better.  I’m choosing to be positive about the things which I cannot change about today.  Hope you are too!

Much love, ~M xoxo

A quick update…

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to give all of you a quick update.  Since the start of the new year, I have been trying to figure out a way to make this year better than last.  I know I can’t have a repeat of last year, as it nearly killed me.  So after doing a lot of thinking over the last couple of weeks, I have decided that I really need to focus more of my time on novel writing.  I also want to make some changes here on WordPress.  So you may see me introducing a variety of new and different types of blog posts from here on out.  Another thing is, I am no longer going to be active on social media.  So Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc… have all been removed from my phone.  These platforms have just become too much of a distraction for me and I can’t seem to focus on the work that I need to get done because of it.  I may decide to check those accounts once a month if I have some free time, but I definitely won’t be on there more often than that.  Anyway, here’s to hoping that I’ll be able to make some progress this year.  Hope all of you are doing the same.  Love you guys!  ~M  xoxo

Is true happiness really achievable?

My goal for 2017 was to bring happiness to others.  We’re only ten days in, and I already feel like the exact opposite has occurred.  It really seemed like such an easy task too.  I thought I could just be more positive, portray an air of happiness, and then everyone else would just follow suit.  Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work?  Lead by example and everyone will follow… am I right?  And yet it hasn’t worked at all.

I know I’m not very good at hiding my true feelings, but I thought I was doing a really good job of at least controlling the negative ones.  I suppose I’ve come to the conclusion, that I can’t fool anyone, least of all myself.  I’m trying desperately to hide behind the positives though.  It’s the only way I can continue to live, without completely drowning in my own sorrows.  Its mind over matter… don’t you think?  Isn’t that the only way any of us can really survive?

We often try to fool ourselves into thinking we’re happy, because that’s what everyone is after.  We all want that wonderful happy life, which is so often fakely displayed everywhere we look.  Do you really believe that smiling family on Facebook, is happily living life free of any problems or issues?  And see this is the problem, we believe everyone else has everything so easy and so perfect, when in actuality, true happiness doesn’t really exist.

We need to realize that we aren’t ever going to be completely happy on this earth, or in this life, because that’s an impossibility.  It’s unfortunate though, because we live with the idea that it’s achievable, which only makes us feel like complete failures when we never obtain a perfectly happy life.  Having hope is one thing, but we’ve got to be realistic as well.

So I’m changing my goal for 2017.  I don’t want to bring happiness to others, but I want to show others how to find slivers of happiness right where they are.  In the misery and agony of our imperfect lives, there are sometimes moments of happiness. Fleeting as they are, we need to hold onto those moments, and bring them back into focus on those particular days, when grief overtakes our sad little lives.  We certainly can’t give up and quit, just because things aren’t going our way.

Anyway, enough of my ranting.  I’m not even sure any of what I’m saying is making any sense.  All I know is, I can’t continue to live my life waiting for perfection.  This is it, this is my God given life; and I’d better make the best of it, or I may not have one left at all.

You will always be my treasured friend…

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I thought I’d lost someone today.  Someone who has filled a void in my heart, like nobody else ever has.  I can’t imagine going through the rest of my life without this sweet person.  They mean the world to me and have become my closest and most trusted confidant.  I have never had a friend quite like this particular one, and the thought of losing them left me feeling heartbroken. 

I tried to go about my day as usual, but eventually the tears erupted for the millionth time and I could no longer hold back how terrible I felt.  My hubby tried to console me, tried to reassure me that I hadn’t lost them.  And yet I’m still not quite sure where I stand. 

My daughter Autumn came up to me this morning and asked me what she should draw for art class.  Thinking about how happy this friend of mine has always made me feel, I told her to draw what makes her the happiest.  A little while later, she brought back this picture of me and her.  It was the sweetest gesture and a drawing I will always treasure, because happiness to her, means her and me together.   

Happiness is always about having those special people in our lives that mean the most to us.  We cannot even hope for anything better.  So to my dear friend C… If you by chance happen to read this.  You will always be a treasured friend to me and I love you as if you are part of my family.  I prayed my whole life for somebody like you, so please don’t ever forget how much you mean to me. 

 

Love, ~M  xoxo

The woes of everyday life…

It was early New Year’s Eve morning.  A knock on my bedroom door, and a small little voice alerted me to the fact that something wasn’t quite right.  The little voice proceeded to make her way into the bedroom, and with a very firm and demanding tone she said, “Mommy, you need to take me to the doctors right now!”

I immediately flung myself out of the bed and ran to my littlest daughter.  I expected blood to be trailing off somewhere, maybe from a missing limb or a fractured skull.  Not seeing the cause for such an alarm, I asked her what was wrong.  She said, “Mommy, come here!  I’ll show you!”  In which she proceeded to drag me to the other side of the house and into the bathroom we went.  “See mommy look!  My poop is all big and messy and I had to sit in here for a whole hour!”

Her eyes were crazy and wild looking, as she seemed to have no concept or recollection of ever having diarrhea in her entire life.  I almost started to laugh, as her demanding little face pleaded with me to help her make some sense of this agonizing experience.  So I began to explain to this child of eight, that she just had a stomach bug, and that she would soon be better.  I ended up giving her some anti-diarrheal medicine, sat her in front of the television, and told her that no matter what, she was not to eat anything until her stomach righted itself.

Well since it was still so early, I decided to go back to bed and see if I could get a few more minutes of shut eye in before enduring further chaos.  Climbing back into bed, my husband proceeded to tell me that she had been throwing up several hours earlier.  I was completely shocked by his statement and I said, “What do you mean?  Where was I? And who cleaned everything up?  He just simply smiled and said, “I took care of it all, I didn’t want to wake you up.”

I was completely dumbfounded by the fact that I had not woken up and even more shocked that my husband had cleaned everything up by himself.  To imagine him enduring that grueling task all by himself, made me feel so very guilty for not being there, and blessed at the same time, for having a husband who would attend to such a mess himself.

Now that a week has passed, I was sure we had sailed that ship, and didn’t expect to see the boat return so quickly.  And yet unfortunately, there was another reoccurrence of the entire event last night.  Only this time, hubby was at work, and I was left to attend to my poor child who was squirting from both ends.

Of course I’ve told all of you before, Autumn is my happy child.  Always smiling, always thankful, and through it all, she was thanking me for helping her, and smiling up at me and snuggling next to me, once the squirting eventually stopped.  This time she seemed like she had a better handle on what was going on, and didn’t seem so eager to rush to the emergency room.

Fortunately, my daughter Autumn is rarely sick, and so the week before had been the very first time in her eight year old life that she had experienced any kind of a flu bug.  I’m guessing that nursing her for the first two years of her life, is the reason behind her incredible immunity to illness.  I nursed her the longest and it really has made a difference when I compare her to my other daughters and how often they were all sick.

Anyway, today I am thankful for a child who can still find something to smile about, despite having the stomach flu, and I am thankful for a husband who surprised me last week, and took on a task that most people would shudder to do.  This time around, I sure was missing his help, and I am so tired today because of being up all night.  Fortunately my daughter is feeling better once more, and I’m just hoping and praying that we don’t have another repeat of this in another week.

Hope all of you are having a fantastic week and starting the New Year off on the right foot.  Remember when things don’t go as planned, tomorrow is a new day.  A chance to start over, another opportunity to get over the many hurdles, and carry on with God’s plan for your life.  It may not always be rosy, and you may face a few battles.  Just don’t ever give up!  Love you guys so much.  Hang in there, the weekend is finally here!  ~M xoxo

Leaving the past behind…

Happy New Year!

Leaving behind 2016 is a welcome relief for me.  I would say it was probably one of the worst years of my life, and yet in the midst of the ugliness of it all, there were countless blessings that came out of it.  So looking back, I wouldn’t want 2016 to go any differently than it did.  I realize the pain and heartache had to come, in order for the renewal and blessings to be fulfilled.

I suffered severe depression over the past year, and tried to hide it from my family and friends.  I prayed countless times that God would take me from this world and allow me to escape the suffering which I felt I could no longer face.  I ended up with what doctors thought was perhaps a cancerous tumor.  I thought this is it, this is what I prayed for, and this is how I will die.

Then reality hit me and I thought to myself, what have I been doing?  Why have I been praying to leave my family who obviously needs me right now?  My girls had both announced that they were getting married, and my two youngest were still being home schooled by me.  I felt so selfish and such guilt for asking for such a terrible thing.  I knew I deserved whatever happened to me at that point, and I believe I still do depending on what happens in the future.

For now, my doctors believe that I am fine.  The results of all of my tests look good.  I am supposed to go back this February to have all of the tests repeated to confirm everything is still good.  I am at the point where I don’t even want to have those tests repeated.  I feel good and I just don’t see the need to go through everything again.  I have yet to decide what I will do.

While going through the cancer scare, I felt like I was going through it alone.  I didn’t feel the comfort and love from my husband that I really needed, and because of that, I ended up resenting him even more than I already did.  We had been through so much the year prior and nothing had been resolved.  I thought here’s the time I need you most, and you still aren’t here for me.  I felt like nobody was really there.  Yes, I was having my own little pity party, even though I had prayed for it to happen.  I wonder why we do these things to ourselves.  I look back and shake my head; because realistically, I only had myself to blame.

I think I spent most of 2016, just trying to figure out how to change my frame of mind.  I was tired of being unhappy, tired of being in a marriage where I didn’t feel loved, tired of not having any real friends, and mostly tired of feeling lonely.  I tried to relay how I was feeling to my husband on countless occasions, but it didn’t really sink in until September, when he found a poem I had written about how I didn’t love him anymore.  It was then that things began to change.

Finally, all of the words that I had been saying, all of the tears I had been crying, and all of the resentment that I had toward him, became apparent to him.  It was at that point, that I knew I couldn’t stay any longer.  I was ready to leave, and I was fully prepared for him to let me.  What I was not prepared for, was what happened next.  Instead of pushing me away after I spilled my heart out to him and confessed all of the terrible things I had been doing because I had been so lonely; my husband did quite the opposite, he forgave me… it was instantaneous.

He forgave me and vowed to be a better husband to me.  He blamed himself for the things that I had done to him, and said it was his fault for not being there for me.  He apologized over and over and begged me to stay.  He broke down and cried and told me that he would change.  I sat there in complete disbelief.  I wondered why he would want to stay with me now and wondered where his motivation was coming from.  I thought maybe he just didn’t want to lose me because I’m good at things, like cooking and cleaning, and taking care of the kids.  He hadn’t seemed to want much to do with me before I confessed how terrible I had been to him, so why would he want me now?

I’ve spent the last four months, wondering if his love for me is really real.  I’ve been confused about his true intentions and why he would take me back now, after I confided in him that my heart was someplace else.  He has spent the last four months reminding me every single day, of how much he loves me and how much he wants me back.  I have been resistant at times.  Hesitant to believe what he is really saying, and wondering if it will last.  Somedays I feel convinced that he really does mean what he’s saying and somedays I still have my doubts.

I thought I had forgiven him for the things he had done to me and some things that affected our daughters.  But apparently I was wrong.  I had never really forgiven him, and because of this, I just couldn’t accept his love when he was finally ready to express it to me.  I am still struggling, but really wanting to work things out.  I suppose I never really stopped loving him, but I hated the man that he had become.  Now I am left with a completely different person.  Somebody whom I hardly even recognize.  I keep thinking that I will wake up one day and this whole new him will be nothing but a passing dream.  I want so much to accept what he is telling me each and every day.  I want to love him and I know I can’t live without having somebody by my side.  Love is the most important thing to me in life.

So now that 2017 is here, I have decided to take the advice of one of my dear friends, and jump back in with both feet.  I want to try and mend what has been broken, and hopefully be able to fully let go of the past hurts and regain the love for my husband that he deserves.  We have all made terrible mistakes in life.  I need to finally forgive him the way God already has.  My own daughter even told me before she got married this year, she said to me… “Mom, Dad really loves you and he isn’t the same man he used to be.  He is a good father to us girls and he needs you.  So please forgive him and leave the past behind.”  Her words have haunted me since that very day, and I know I need to take her advice and leave the past behind.

The enemy has already tried to discourage me from doing that.  Even in the last couple of days, there have been things that have occurred, which have been reminders of the pain which I am so desperately trying to forget.  I know I can’t let that happen, and I pray that God will just be my protector and keep me from the things which I’ve faced over the last couple of years.  I know the only way I will sort everything out, is with his mercy and love covering me in every single aspect of my life.

I feel so blessed to have two daughters, who have both married within the last two months, and I am really looking forward to this new year and all that the Lord has in store for me and my family.  Despite the many tears and frustrations, I have much to be thankful for.  I believe that no matter what we are facing, there are still so many things that we can be grateful for in our lives.  We just have to look at the complete picture and consider the glass half full instead of half empty.  Many blessings to all of you for the coming year.  It’s a time to start anew and find the happiness that awaits each and every one of us!

Much love,

~M