“Despite the madness, I never leave because someone’s gotta stick around to give chaos the middle finger.” ~M
Photo credit: pixabay.com
Photo credit: pixabay.com
What inspires you?
This is the thought running through my mind today as it’s been nearly a month now since I’ve had any inspiration to do much of anything. It’s as if a light switch has been turned off inside my brain and I almost feel as if all of my emotions have left me. I think it’s very difficult for a writer to write anything when they feel emotionless. Especially as a poet, we live for emotions and all the wonderful words that spill out of hearts and minds. I think I’ve shut off a lot of my emotions because it somehow seems easier that way. I’ve also found myself pulling away from people more often. There are a few who I still let in, but for the most part, I don’t really share what’s going on in my life. As I get older, there seems to be so much more drama, and I suppose I’ve been feeling the need to sort of rid myself from all of that. I call it self-preservation, and I know it’s simply necessary at times.
I don’t feel in any way like I am suffering from depression, even though it may look that way to outsiders. I’m actually feeling very content right now, just to be alone and to reevaluate my life. I’ve been homeschooling my girls for 12 years, and even though I love the time I have with them, I still miss my career in Biotechnology more than ever. It’s hard being a mom sometimes. I’m pulled in so many different directions. I’m often not sure which path to take, but I always try to put my girls first in every long-term decision that I make. And yet now that they’re getting older, and my two oldest daughters are married and starting lives of their own, I’m finally taking the time to consider what I want for a change.
I really want to work outside the home again. I honestly miss my 60 hour work weeks because I truly did love my job, and I’d like to find another job that I can enjoy just as much. I’ve recently enrolled back in school, and at 46, I think I’m one of the oldest students in my class. But it matters not, I’m determined to start a second career even at my age. This time around I’m pursuing a degree in digital media and web design. I’ve been saying for years that I wanted to get into web design but didn’t think I could afford the cost of school. After checking into it though, I found out that I qualified for government grants, and I also applied for a scholarship. And between the two, I haven’t had to pay a dime. So now I sit here wondering why I waited so long to take the plunge and I’m practically kicking myself for not doing it sooner.
The good thing is, I’m doing it now, and I’ve got to stop looking back and just keep moving forward. I feel as if time is running out in some respects. It’s almost like there’s this invisible force pushing me along, telling me to hurry up before it’s too late. Sometimes it helps me to get away and quiet myself for a few days, and so I’m currently sitting all alone in a lovely cottage in the woods. It’s absolutely beautiful here, and I’m finding that this is probably the first inspiring day I’ve had in a very long time. The sun is shining through my window, and I’m so thankful to have this time to reflect and hopefully turn the light switch to inspiration back on. I’ve got three more days here to figure out how to do just that and determination is starting to settle in. It’s blessings like these that keep me going. I hope all of you are having a very blessed week as well and I’d like to know, what inspires you? ~M xo
Photo credit: pixabay.com
My fear of being humiliated started as a young child in Elementary School. It developed over years of being harassed, teased, embarrassed, and sometimes even physically hurt through the abuse of other kids my own age. The humiliation I endured as a child was never realized by either of my parents and even if it had been, I doubt that they would have done much to stop the incidents from happening; not because they were bad parents, just because this was normal school behavior that was commonly accepted back then.
The humiliation that I lived with never ended and only got worse as I got older. The kids I went to school with tormented me to the point that I considered suicide as a teenager. At that time, I tried to reach out to my parents for help, but they didn’t seem to understand the severity of the situation and I think they were almost afraid to even try to help me. I believe it’s by the grace of God that I am even still alive.
I still have a very deep fear of being around people, especially people who I don’t know very well. I get extremely nervous, especially in small group situations where I am forced to answer questions with the rest of the group. Because I had always been shamed in most of my attempts to speak as a child, I feel the same thing will still happen now, and sometimes it still does. Sometimes I find that I even feel panicked enough that I want to run from a room. I find myself always needing to sit near an exit or as close to the end of a table as possible. I always need an escape route, just in case a situation arises that I can’t handle.
I doubt this fear will ever go away. I have hid my fear so well, that I don’t think my own family even realizes how much I still do struggle with it sometimes. I have not overcome my fear by any means, but I think I do a really good job of keeping this fear of being humiliated under control. I often avoid situations where I know I will be vulnerable. I have learned what types of situations to stay away from and which ones are okay. I deal with my fear of being humiliated on a daily basis and jump hurdles as they come.
For some reason, just writing about this has been therapeutic for me. Maybe I have just been trying to bury this fear of mine for too long. It’s best to discuss the things that bother us. It helps us understand why we do the things we do and why we are the kind of person that we are.