Tag: postaday

Heart issues…

~ ~M ~ 6 Comments

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Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit Copper Falls State Park, in northern Wisconsin.  Hubby and I have been having quite a rough patch lately and so we decided that we really needed a day away to just enjoy the beauty of God’s wonderful creation.  Whenever we’re feeling far away from each other, we are usually feeling very much apart from God as well, and it always seems the closer we get to God, the closer we get to each other.

It’s been a very tough year for us and I have been searching for answers to try and sort things out for both of us.  It’s hard to admit it, but I really feel like we have drifted apart in a way that makes it very difficult to reconnect.  I would say outwardly, we look like the perfect couple.  We never fight or argue, we have fun together, we laugh, we are still very intimate, and we generally like to spend time with each other.  I know most people would be saying at this point, well than what’s the problem?

The problem seems to be a heart issue with me.  I love this man of mine dearly, but I don’t feel that I am in-love with him.  I find myself so often wishing that I could change the way I feel about him, but the more I try, the more hopeless I become.  Can I stay married to somebody that I am not in-love with?  I would say absolutely yes.  I have lived this way for so long now, feeling this way about him, and so it has become routine for me.  I don’t believe in divorce and I know that life isn’t always greener on the other side anyway.  So I feel I just need to go along with who I chose to be with, who I made lifelong vows to, and just accept the fact that there is one significant piece missing, and hope I will someday find that missing piece within our relationship.

We have a very unique relationship in that he knows my deepest darkest secrets, and I know his as well.  Knowing those things is very hard and not always easy to understand, and yet we both accept each other for who we are and try to move forward every day.  Neither one of us has ever wanted to give up on the other, and he has really been patient with me lately, just wanting me to find happiness, even if it isn’t with him.  And so we continue on, hoping that the future will bring clarity to both of us.  Life isn’t always easy, but I believe I am blessed in a million amazing ways and I never want to take those blessings for granted.

Him vs. Her – The grime of life

~ ~M ~ 17 Comments

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Where to begin… I really have no idea what to write about.  Everything I’d been considering earlier, sounded so much better as I was standing in the shower this morning.  However, I do think that this quote sort of sums things up for me today.  It’s too bad all of the muck in my life, couldn’t have somehow broken free and lost its way down that drain.  No matter what I do, the problems and issues I’m currently facing, just never seem to go away.  I suppose I feel that I have come to a place in my life, of complete discontent and unhappiness.  So much so, that I have been trying to find happiness in all the wrong places and have set myself up for failure during the process.  Backtracking is the hardest thing of all, because once we move forward, we can never seem to go back the same way we came.  True the saying goes… nothing ventured, nothing gained.  But then again, I think I’ve been testing the fire with my bare hands, and now I’m paying the price for that.  Life… does it ever get any easier?  Sigh…

Quote found at: pinterest.com

Is it okay to be happy?

~ ~M ~ 21 Comments

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“I often feel guilty for being happy.” ~M

I was once given a death threat by a roommate of mine, who claimed that I was too happy.  She threatened to slit my throat while I slept, because she said I was way too happy all the time.  For some reason my happiness really bothered her.

After spending months in the same room with this girl, she was finally taken forcefully from the barracks, and transported to a psychiatric ward.  She was found to have knives strapped to her thighs, and a suicide letter next to her bed.

I have found it hard to be happy in front of people since that day.  I feel that somehow my happiness only seems to bring others down, who are not experiencing the same joy in their own lives.  Maybe there is still a part of me that fears what may happen, if perhaps I am too joyful around others.  Regardless, I am very cautious now and I doubt that will ever change.

It’s so sad to me, that we live in a world where even our own happiness can be threatening to others who long to be happy themselves.  I wish I didn’t have to feel guilty for being happy as often as I do.  I suppose this is another reason why I find myself wanting to be alone so often.  Secluding myself from others, means that I will never have to hurt them.

Life is so difficult at times, this is just another example of why I feel like I can never fully be myself around others.  It’s a sad state we live in, when we cannot even show our own happiness.

Photo found at: sonalororra.wordpress.com

On my way to my first million!

~ ~M ~ 18 Comments

I’m rich!!!  Lol… First .70₵ ever earned from writing!  Hey…. it’s a start, right? 

 

Total Earnings (as of 9/15/2016): $0.70
Unpaid Earnings: $0.70

August 2016 Earnings: $0.70
July 2016 Total Subscribers: 1
July 2016 Subscriber Factor: $0.6954

What did you want to be?

~ ~M ~ 12 Comments

Now that you’re all grown-up, tell me… What did you want to be when you were younger and did you eventually achieve your goal?

My parents told me that I wanted to be a singer and dancer when I grew up, although I have no recollection of ever saying such a thing.  I only remember thinking that I wanted to be a marine biologist.  And the funny thing is, I really have no idea what exactly a marine biologist does.  So if you’re a marine biologist… do share!

After graduating high school, I enlisted in the Army, and worked as an Intelligence Analyst for the next 5 years.  Once my enlistment was up, I decided it was time for a change.  I still had an interest in the science field, and so I pursued a degree in biotechnology.  I ended up working at a biotech company and stayed there for 7 years.  So I guess in a way, my dream of being in a science type field, did eventually come true.

The thought of being a singer or a dancer scares me to death, so I have no idea why I would have said such a thing.  I suppose this just shows how much we really do change over time.  Our ideas about what we should do with our lives, fluctuates all the time, and it can be frustrating when certain things we thought we should do, don’t turn out the way we had hoped.

Anyway, this was just something I was thinking about today.  Leave me a comment and tell me what you wanted to be when you grew up, and if you haven’t grown up yet, what do you still hope to become?